AIBU to think I am being treated horribly?

[CompletelyBroken]

(I've changed my name to post this thread)

I'm a grown woman who has returned from work in tears because I am being bullied so badly :(

The training process has been horrible. There's no other way to describe it.

The girl who was asked to train me first is rude, patronising, and deliberately argumentative. She talks to me like I am a child, looks for ways to make me feel stupid and is extremely rude and snappy.

She explains many things halfway and then when I ask follow up questions, she insists that she's already covered it with me. Apparently explaining something in detail and mentioning something in passing are now the same things.

If I encounter something new, she either says 'I've done this with you' or she starts a guessing game- 'So.What do you think you should do?'
I appreciate that nobody wants to spoon-feed me (and I don't want that either!) but there are some things that I have virtually no way of knowing unless someone tells me. There are other times when I'll figure out 90% of what to do and just a need a confirmation regarding the next step. In these scenarios, especially with deadline-driven tasks, it is neither efficient nor effective to get me to sit there for an hour trying to "guess" what to do next.

On most occasions when I ask questions I am made to feel like a stupid nuisance. Often I am given vague answers like "You need to look into it" with no description whatsoever of how to go about it.

I feel small and humiliated and my work is affected because I dread having to ask a question or confirm something with a colleague.

I had one ally in the team but lately he has also become irritable and patronising with me. He has always maintained that this other colleague is very rude and awful (she is like that with him as well) but he has now stared ganging up against me with her.

A couple of days ago both of them refused to clarify something for me ( I had already figured out the issue and the solution, I merely wanted details of a contact that I had no way of knowing). My female colleague first started the usual guessing game with me- who do you think the contact is? What would you do?

I admit I was quite exasperated with all this, and I just cut myself away from the situation by saying "Thanks, i'll figure it out". She kept going after me and smirking and saying " Oh but X, what do you think you should do? Didn't I just explain this to you? that's what I'm saying.... blah blah". I didn't respond and I cut her short because I didn't see the point of this pointless back and forth. I had just about had it.

I emailed the colleague I thought was my friend to ask him for help but to my shock he started the same guessing game and was equally patronising with me. It was evident that he didn't even understand the issue because response I got was completely unrelated.

I finally had to confirm with third person only to have this colleague email me back to say that I had offended him and the other girl because I had "gone against" them by asking a third person. He said that this was their way of teaching me and I should figure it out myself no matter how long it takes.

Now I completely agree that I need to figure it out myself (and that is what I do), but there are times when the issue will be something I have no way of figuring out myself and someone will have to tell me. There will be other times when it isn't feasible to have me or anyone else sitting there trying to guess something for hours on end.

I am tired of being spoken to badly, humiliated and feeling constantly scared and afraid of asking questions or worrying about what someone is going to say to me next. Every time I object, I am patronised and told it's all for "my own good" and this is how I'll learn. Colleagues who are on the same level as I am act like my managers and the whole thing is very paternalistic.

I haven't stopped crying since I came home and I am absolutely miserable.

Do you think you are able to do the job, at the required speed?

I have a successful business now, but as a student I was once sacked from a temp job of data entry after 2 weeks, as I couldn't type quickly enough. I can still remember the embarrassment, though it was 20 years ago!

I will write more later as on my phone ATM but... It's a job. If it's making you that miserable then leave.

Furklelurkle: what an illuminating, kind, sensitive, thoughtful and helpful post, and what a shame, that like all the others offering practical ideas, it was completely disregarded.

It does sound like your training might not have been the greatest (been there). For instance most jobs on top of training or existing handover notes, you would expect to be given contacts of people you will regularly speak to and issues to bear in mind or work round (and how others 'work round' them).

Either way, the relationships: and thats what work is all about, are damaged beyond repair now. I would cut my losses. And next time, during the first weeks 'honeymoon period' in your new job, if you dont get them ask for all you need: contacts, background info, existing or future issues to be aware of, further training, handover notes etc etc etc. ON EMAIL. First rule of office life, cover your behind as no-one else will.

OP, do you think it could be to do with race? Because if you just feel it might be, you are very unlikely to get any proof of that, and it would be worth taking to HR if so.

It sounds awful either way. I'd be going to HR at any rate.

Toothpick - trust me if I hadn't learned my current job properly after a month I'd be out.

Yes, to some 3 months is still a learning curve but it's also most companies' probation period. It's also a period where you as a new employee should not "make a stance", "assert your personality" and where you should, on the whole learn.

It really does seem as if OP either has personality clashes or isn't understanding the work. Or that she's being bullied. In her previous post she was almost fighting for her POV and what she did/said at work, despite some people advising her that she should step back and learn.

I'm not being cruel but something's not right here.

Update OP?

How's your week going OP?

Hope you come back to update, OP. I have been where you are and it's horrible. In my case I only found peace when I found courage to leave the toxic job, at great personal cost. Looking back with the benefit of hindsight I would say both things mentioned by posters were true in my case - I was being bullied AND my own behaviour was not what it should/could have been. I think all posters on this thread are absolutely spot on, BOTH those who are seeing bullying AND those who are saying the OP is at fault.

Life is complex that way. Fault can be split. The fact that you are being bullied does not mean you have done nothing wrong, and the fact that you have done something wrong does not mean you deserve to be bullied. The two things are separate imho. Nobody deserves to be bullied. In a normal workplace people won't bully you just because you say the wrong thing sometimes. But sometimes our own behaviour needs to change (I agree with what furklelurkle said). Sometimes you just need to move to a new workplace and start afresh. But I hope you are finding a resolution where you are, or the courage to move on.

Hope you are ok OP. I've followed this thread with interest. I went through the same thing and while I didn't realise it at the time it was constructive dismissal. They eventually made me redundant and paid me off. I had been there for almost 14 years with excellent yearly appraisals. Because the company was restructured our job specs changed drastically. Training was not provided and we were treated badly in thinking we couldn't manage our new workload. I agree with previous posters, it can be a combination of things - you not getting it and your firm being unreasonable. The worst thing is it destroys your faith in your abilities and completely crushes your confidence. The best thing for me was leaving. No job should make you so miserable that it literally makes you sick.

I have been checking back but no update from CB. As I said way up thread I left a job for these reasons. I walked out one day after having enough. I wish I had given my notice properly but apart from that I felt like a great weight had lifted from my shoulders.

very thoughtful post kawliga. I know exactly what you mean.

I'm an apprentice, I am here to learn. I asked questions and she would talk down to me, make me feel small & insignificant, and expected me to know everything about everything when I've had no experience working before. I'd go home in tears and told my boss I wanted to leave. She shouted at me and said "The phones. need. fixing. now" so I rang the phone guys up and said it the exact same way. Now the phone guys like me, so they rang my boss back and said "Leeds has just rang and spoke in an untoward way and I know it wasn't 'her' speaking. It was the woman telling her what to say and that woman needs sorting." Since then, the woman was sacked and the office is so much better. I feel a lot calmer (which, my boss has JUST said He's noticed it! It's been two days!!) and there is no tension to cut with a knife, it's a lot nicer. I am so glad she's gone because I don't feel like I'm being bullied now.