AIBU to think I am being treated horribly?

[CompletelyBroken]

(I've changed my name to post this thread)

I'm a grown woman who has returned from work in tears because I am being bullied so badly :(

The training process has been horrible. There's no other way to describe it.

The girl who was asked to train me first is rude, patronising, and deliberately argumentative. She talks to me like I am a child, looks for ways to make me feel stupid and is extremely rude and snappy.

She explains many things halfway and then when I ask follow up questions, she insists that she's already covered it with me. Apparently explaining something in detail and mentioning something in passing are now the same things.

If I encounter something new, she either says 'I've done this with you' or she starts a guessing game- 'So.What do you think you should do?'
I appreciate that nobody wants to spoon-feed me (and I don't want that either!) but there are some things that I have virtually no way of knowing unless someone tells me. There are other times when I'll figure out 90% of what to do and just a need a confirmation regarding the next step. In these scenarios, especially with deadline-driven tasks, it is neither efficient nor effective to get me to sit there for an hour trying to "guess" what to do next.

On most occasions when I ask questions I am made to feel like a stupid nuisance. Often I am given vague answers like "You need to look into it" with no description whatsoever of how to go about it.

I feel small and humiliated and my work is affected because I dread having to ask a question or confirm something with a colleague.

I had one ally in the team but lately he has also become irritable and patronising with me. He has always maintained that this other colleague is very rude and awful (she is like that with him as well) but he has now stared ganging up against me with her.

A couple of days ago both of them refused to clarify something for me ( I had already figured out the issue and the solution, I merely wanted details of a contact that I had no way of knowing). My female colleague first started the usual guessing game with me- who do you think the contact is? What would you do?

I admit I was quite exasperated with all this, and I just cut myself away from the situation by saying "Thanks, i'll figure it out". She kept going after me and smirking and saying " Oh but X, what do you think you should do? Didn't I just explain this to you? that's what I'm saying.... blah blah". I didn't respond and I cut her short because I didn't see the point of this pointless back and forth. I had just about had it.

I emailed the colleague I thought was my friend to ask him for help but to my shock he started the same guessing game and was equally patronising with me. It was evident that he didn't even understand the issue because response I got was completely unrelated.

I finally had to confirm with third person only to have this colleague email me back to say that I had offended him and the other girl because I had "gone against" them by asking a third person. He said that this was their way of teaching me and I should figure it out myself no matter how long it takes.

Now I completely agree that I need to figure it out myself (and that is what I do), but there are times when the issue will be something I have no way of figuring out myself and someone will have to tell me. There will be other times when it isn't feasible to have me or anyone else sitting there trying to guess something for hours on end.

I am tired of being spoken to badly, humiliated and feeling constantly scared and afraid of asking questions or worrying about what someone is going to say to me next. Every time I object, I am patronised and told it's all for "my own good" and this is how I'll learn. Colleagues who are on the same level as I am act like my managers and the whole thing is very paternalistic.

I haven't stopped crying since I came home and I am absolutely miserable.

Custardo - it's actually 2 years employment before the employee has any rights.

It really is a can of worms to open to state racial discrimination with no evidence and there is none here!

I agree with what you say about the bullying and it doesn't affect them.

yes superfly is right, it changed after 2012 ( i think)

found this a useful read

OP - you actually stated that you had pointed out things another team hadn't followed through on. That doesn't sound, from the information provided, as though that's a glitch in the system, but that you have pointed out something someone else hasn't done.

I appreciate the situation is distressing for you because I have been really unhappy at work and, in the very same job, made someone else really unhappy without even realising it. A very big part of this was down to my inexperience in anything other than a large, structured company environment.

its hard to get a picture or offer sound advice when we only have your side ... and if it was one person that you were having trouble with it I'd perhaps side with you. but you have two people and now a supervisor pulling you up on things. your work is obviously not an issue according to you but perhaps how you are coming across is the problem. when you are being trained do you take notes? I train a lot in my job and as much as I tell them to ask me anything anytime for clarification I do see it as sometimes annoying if its something that's been covered or a simple note made on same would do as I cannot get work done either way.

also coming in and saying (even with a smile and plate full of cupcakes and puppies) that a department/named person didn't do their job right is gonna get backs up and not a clever move imo. even the guy that you said was pleasant to you before and now seems cold seems to imply the problem might lie with you. I don't mean to sound harsh but as long as you can honestly say you are doing your best, not stepping on toes, taking every advantage of a training opportunity and recording/making notes for reference for yourself and not bad mouthing anyone then perhaps HR is the next step but make sure you go through the proper channels.

ps. just because language used isn't cursing and on paper polite, doesn't mean it would not be offensive.

wowfudge-

I meant the other teams we associate with. There were some payments due to us from another team and those were delayed due to issues on there side. I was merely communicating this to my supervisor but she looked for ways to see if she could make it my fault.

At no point have I criticised our team or the way we do things.

I never said anyone wasn't doing their job right. I said my training wasn't effective and that too I only referred to that one instance.

I opened up to my supervisor and told my side only when they complained and I was being blamed.

saying your training is effective IS saying someone isn't doing their job right in your opinion!!

meant isn't effective

If another team doesn't pay us on time, I have to tell my supervisor. I am not being critical of anyone, merely doing my job and stating a fact. I'd get into more trouble for not telling someone.

If I were in your shoes I would quite simply email my boss/hr manager and express that I felt I needed more training.

Use this 'angle' to explain that it is clear that when you ask questions about the job, you are expected to already know them as is evident by the responses you get from the people around you. Explain that you would really like to be an active, involved and productive member of the team but you feel that there must be some training lacking as it is clear that things you should know have not been taught to you yet.

I was working in a company which is dealing amongst other things with pensions administration and attitudes you are describing were around me

I left after 8 months with my confidence at floor level - very few procedures were well documented, stuff was kept in heads of few, you were supposed to be shown something once and carry on doing from then it without a fail...

I think you may be surrounded by similar characters, mostly people staying in the job because of good pension and lack of other skills!

Try to look for something else because things aren't going to change - what you are describing is only likely to get worst.

It's horrible to feel as though everyone has it in for you, but if and when you find yourself in that situation, you have to objectively examine your own behaviour and actions. It does sound as though you have ruffled feathers, although you have acted in good faith.

I think the chances are that if you go to HR now, things have escalated to the stage where your colleagues at various levels will counter your complaints with complaints about you. The choice then (if you get a say in things) is to move on or work at improving your relationships in the workplace.

I agree totally with what wowfudge has said.

They could very easily counter the complaints you've made with complaints against you which has already happened.

Remember they can get rid of you within 2 years for next to no reason.

I must be reading different posts because I can't see where OP has got their backs up. Imo it is obvious from OP's that there is plenty of evidence that the 'trainer' is bullying OP, simply because she's in a position of 'power' and can.

ime of working anti-bullying procedures they're not worth the paper they're written on - the kind of grilling and assumptions you've had on here are a good representation of the kind of thing you're faced with if you initiate a complaint, or even an 'observation' ie the whole thing is nonsense and gets nowhere.

Imo the bullying has become well-established and it will be nigh impossible, a miracle, to turn it around. there is nothing documented that says you aren't happy with the way things have been going and now it's established. Even if you eventually do turn things around, which I doubt, you'll have months of pure hell to get through and you're already on your knees.

They could very easily counter the complaints you've made with complaints against you which has already happened.

I know. Why do you think I didn't complain to my manager in the first place?

Remember they can get rid of you within 2 years for next to no reason.

I know this too :( But at the same time I don't think it's quite so easy to randomly fire people especially when resources and time have been spent to train them. Regardless, I am still insecure which is why I am seeking advice here.

Imo the bullying has become well-established and it will be nigh impossible, a miracle, to turn it around. there is nothing documented that says you aren't happy with the way things have been going and now it's established. Even if you eventually do turn things around, which I doubt, you'll have months of pure hell to get through and you're already on your knees.

I am not a quitter. I still want to give this a shot. The only thing I am confused about is the approach I should take.

Should I request another meeting and clarify my stance further? Or should I just ignore the whole thing, try to complete my training and then just do my work and mind my own business as much as possible?

OP - sorry about earlier. I was sort of trying to get a clearer picture… It does seem now that you are being bullied. that's awful.

I do suggest Andrea Adams books and also maybe therapy down the line as Cognitive Behavioural Therapy gives a few good tricks - like imagining the bully as in a pen/cage - drawing lines round that person so they can't get to you, does that make sense?

Also look and maybe get this moved to Employment Issues as there are more bullying stories here.

I can see now why you have done what you've done (re the comments to supervisor) but it sounds a really sticky situation.

For now, what I'd do is see HR but raise it as bullying. And for god's sake keep a diary! Also another thing to do is go to your doctor and note it with them. this all helps if HR have to get in touch with the doctor.

I may PM you but sadly I do not think this will get better and you're best off out of there, try to look for another job and just chalk up to experience. I know this may seem defeatist but there are other companies and jobs and sadly this sort of stuff does tend to escalate.

OP - I'm saying this kindly - but PLEASE I beg of you think very very very carefully before you think of not quitting.

You have NO IDEA of the culture there (previous workers?) this could well be prevalent and just something people put up with.

Strangely enough someone I know mentioned that in banking (where he works) there have been successful bullying claims as they have strong HR depts and legal teams. But personally I think that's rare. I know of someone who works in HR for a local authority who herself is being bullied, it's so bad now, its affecting her health, her hair is falling out, skin complaints etc.

You really really really do not want to be stuck in this den of wolves (I was going to say den of vipers but the MN vipers are lovely generally eek! ).

Trust me - if you read anything on bullying (try a website, book etc) it affects you, and it can be very hard to get over. think about it.

CB although you may think its best to keep gone, struggle through with HR, sometimes it really is better to walk away. When it gets this stressful, it may be a sign you and this company are not a good fit.

It will only be when you move away that you will realise it is for the best, so I wouldn't totally discount it as an option especially after everything you describe, including long hours, no enjoyment in the job, feeling you are getting nowhere.

completely I know you've had lots of advice here but I am quite versed in HR matters and I didn't get a response to my suggestion.

Write an email, copy and past in your supervisor, your boss and your HR representative. Word it like something like this;

'I have been working for you for the last three months and feel that I would benefit from more training. I am finding that when I ask questions relating to the role, it is made clear to me by the team that I should already know the answers to the question, the only explanation for this is that I am not sufficiently trained for the role as the advice I seek is based on information that I have not been trained in yet.

I have attempted to explain this to the team but they are adamant that I should already have been taught this, I am finding that simple questions I need to ask are being bounced back to me which is frustrating for me and for the team. I feel I could be valuable (blah blah blah) if appropriately trained for the role.'

I would definitely work hard to word it so that it is clear that you are being made to feel uncomfortable, that the ongoing training the team should be offering you is not suitable.

They have to offer you further training, it sounds like that is the real issue here and it is better than going in with complaints about the team.

'should I just ignore the whole thing, try to complete my training and then just do my work and mind my own business as much as possible?'
Yes.

Although your rights are limited in the first 2 years OP, IME it's a rare employer that wants to go to tribunal - often if you have a case you can negotiate a settlement. If you are forced to leave a job you like you might want to consider it.

www.theguardian.com/money/work-blog/2012/may/24/fight-for-employment-rights

Have you always been reasonably competent/intelligent at anything you've set your mind to? Do you generally get on alright with others? If you can truthfully answer yes to both these questions, then I think you can comfortably decide that you're being bullied and someone at your work has it in for you.

In my experience I realised later that my boss (who was only 6 years older than me) had me pegged (incorrectly) as a spoilt ex-private schoolgirl, was a bit of a dork (whereas I was quite sociable and outgoing) and found out that my boyfriend (now DH) was working at a high profile law firm (we worked in a govt department). He had had an unsuccessful stint as a private practice lawyer and got the shits about DH! (even though they never met and I never talked about him (DH)). Insecure bullies get chips on their shoulders for the most random reasons.

It's so hard when you come up with a stream he and invisible company culture - and I suspect this comspny culture is leading to you being squeezed out of your role and certainly out of any constructive relationships within the team.

This said, you have to decide whether to
A. Hope you fit in over time
B. push back the professional way (as SupportWorker advice)
C. get yourself out if this negative situation

Good luck, it sounds miserable

Supportworker-

Sorry I didn't respond to your earlier suggestion but I read your post and I am considering this.

Like I said, things are so bad already that I don't want to be stepping on any more toes so I want to think very carefully about my next course of action.

I don't think asking for more training will be stepping on toes, it will just be making sure that you get the right support as well as making it known that you are uncomfortable asking for help right now.

You need to word it so that it is none accusatory, they will read between the lines