AIBU to think I am being treated horribly?

[CompletelyBroken]

(I've changed my name to post this thread)

I'm a grown woman who has returned from work in tears because I am being bullied so badly :(

The training process has been horrible. There's no other way to describe it.

The girl who was asked to train me first is rude, patronising, and deliberately argumentative. She talks to me like I am a child, looks for ways to make me feel stupid and is extremely rude and snappy.

She explains many things halfway and then when I ask follow up questions, she insists that she's already covered it with me. Apparently explaining something in detail and mentioning something in passing are now the same things.

If I encounter something new, she either says 'I've done this with you' or she starts a guessing game- 'So.What do you think you should do?'
I appreciate that nobody wants to spoon-feed me (and I don't want that either!) but there are some things that I have virtually no way of knowing unless someone tells me. There are other times when I'll figure out 90% of what to do and just a need a confirmation regarding the next step. In these scenarios, especially with deadline-driven tasks, it is neither efficient nor effective to get me to sit there for an hour trying to "guess" what to do next.

On most occasions when I ask questions I am made to feel like a stupid nuisance. Often I am given vague answers like "You need to look into it" with no description whatsoever of how to go about it.

I feel small and humiliated and my work is affected because I dread having to ask a question or confirm something with a colleague.

I had one ally in the team but lately he has also become irritable and patronising with me. He has always maintained that this other colleague is very rude and awful (she is like that with him as well) but he has now stared ganging up against me with her.

A couple of days ago both of them refused to clarify something for me ( I had already figured out the issue and the solution, I merely wanted details of a contact that I had no way of knowing). My female colleague first started the usual guessing game with me- who do you think the contact is? What would you do?

I admit I was quite exasperated with all this, and I just cut myself away from the situation by saying "Thanks, i'll figure it out". She kept going after me and smirking and saying " Oh but X, what do you think you should do? Didn't I just explain this to you? that's what I'm saying.... blah blah". I didn't respond and I cut her short because I didn't see the point of this pointless back and forth. I had just about had it.

I emailed the colleague I thought was my friend to ask him for help but to my shock he started the same guessing game and was equally patronising with me. It was evident that he didn't even understand the issue because response I got was completely unrelated.

I finally had to confirm with third person only to have this colleague email me back to say that I had offended him and the other girl because I had "gone against" them by asking a third person. He said that this was their way of teaching me and I should figure it out myself no matter how long it takes.

Now I completely agree that I need to figure it out myself (and that is what I do), but there are times when the issue will be something I have no way of figuring out myself and someone will have to tell me. There will be other times when it isn't feasible to have me or anyone else sitting there trying to guess something for hours on end.

I am tired of being spoken to badly, humiliated and feeling constantly scared and afraid of asking questions or worrying about what someone is going to say to me next. Every time I object, I am patronised and told it's all for "my own good" and this is how I'll learn. Colleagues who are on the same level as I am act like my managers and the whole thing is very paternalistic.

I haven't stopped crying since I came home and I am absolutely miserable.

I don't know anything about employment law etc, but when it comes down to brass tacks, they shouldn't be treating you like this.

This is the kind of bollocks the law is there to protect people from, although I know it's not easy deliberately stepping out of line to tackle it head on, you need and like the job, why the fuck should you be the one who sorts it?

The good thing IMO is that this woman is rude to everyone, which means it's definitely not you and she doesn't hate you.

How do you know the colleague you thought was a friend? Just from work or do you get together outside work? Them banding together with this other woman must feel like such a betrayal.

Like I say I'm no expert so I don't know what next step you might feel able to take next, but I wanted you to know that regardless of the reasons you have to have the job, it's not worth you hitting rock bottom for.

You need to 'measure' how much you can live with. Can you honestly stay in this job? If you can then you need techniques to dodge all this office politics crap, if not then what else is available?

A lot of stress when you're having trouble at work is it dragging endlessly on without any resolution, you're forced into this intense and distressing environment for long periods of time, taking it home, waking up with it, it's got to give somewhere.

Do you have anyone in RL you can get some support from?

(sorry if you've already said)

OP, your message with your colleague does not sound like a "personal conversation", it sounds like a work message.

It's time to go to HR. Use this letter and the points raised in it to make your case that, despite asking, you are not being trained properly and are being mistreated by this pair. Tell them about your supervisor's response when you first flagged this issue.

Dione- yes, it was a work message but not a public forum. It was via private messenger. I don't know how these things work exactly, but I never expected this conversation to be forwarded to a supervisor, especially without this person coming and clarifying things with me personally first.

Even if my supervisor did read it, I never expected that it would be a problem and that I'd get pulled up for unacceptable language.

Yes, I did say the female colleague didn't answer my question so please could you, I did say it wasn't right to keep me guessing when we had a deadline to meet because it wastes time and I did say the training method wasn't appropriate. I also said that if I didn't get my answer from one person I'd have no choice but to go to another.

He portrayed me as someone who runs to them every time there is an issue and I said that wasn't true because I had already figured the solution out and was just looking for a small detail. I also said in the end that never mind, I've got it now and maybe we can talk in detail later because I don't think he understood what I was originally asking.

That is essentially the gist of it. No abusive words, no insults, no offensive language.

What about it was unacceptable?! And why did I get told off for it?

I'd imagine unacceptable language is offensive and rude and insulting isn't it? Just by being assertive and a bit firm, I am hardly being unacceptable.

I was gobsmacked to see phrases like 'wasting time' being picked up an wrong language.

I know I don't come across as my usual friendly and cheerful self at work, but you can hardly blame me given the attitudes I have to deal with.

For me to constantly be told to ignore it and let it go is getting annoying.

Why can't they have a chat with the people who are being rude to me (and other people by the looks of it)? When I brought up how rude this colleague is and said that everyone felt that way, my supervisor said that it wasn't just one side's fault because I am also very "difficult".

I am not perfect, but I will only snap if I am pushed. If I have ever come across as difficult, it's only because of how I am constantly being spoken to and treated.

I am too new and haven't crossed the 3 month mark yet so I am still unsure of whether I should take this up with HR or someone else.

If I show that conversation to HR, what's the guarantee they won't agree with my boss (who is much more senior to me obviously) and tell me I was wrong?

All I want at this point is to not be perceived as the one who did wrong, and to just do my job without having to deal with constant conflict.

I want my supervisor to acknowledge that I have tried my best and my colleagues to keep to themselves if they can't make nice.

I am happy to go there, do my work and leave.

I have no clue how to achieve this.

I'm sorry I don't have any advice I would be a complete mess if I were you. I just can't cope with people being unkind towards me.

The good thing IMO is that this woman is rude to everyone, which means it's definitely not you and she doesn't hate you.

Oh no, she definitely has it for me :( He manner is generally rude and abrasive, but she is excessively nasty to me.

How do you know the colleague you thought was a friend? Just from work or do you get together outside work? Them banding together with this other woman must feel like such a betrayal.

Yes, it was a huge betrayal. It was also a bit silly IMO. If someone has an issue or misunderstanding with me, they can just come to me and I will be happy to talk things over. Why go complaining to management at every stage?

This colleague and I have chatted and bonded a lot at work (after hours and during) and a couple of times over lunch etc. I must have heard endless stories about his wife, his hobbies, his weekend plans. And i've ironically also heard stories about how he is fed up of this colleague who is rude to everyone.

Ten minutes before I was pulled away for a chat with my supervisor, I was actually sitting at his desk helping him to solve a problem he had.
So much for me being difficult and so much for me being the one to run to them every time there is an issue.

Perhaps you could go to HR in wiriting simply say "I feel bullied, please will you help me".

What bullying policy does the company have? Ours is very clear that if you feel bullied then they have to treat it as such IYSWIM. They have to prove you aren't being bullied from what I can remember and it also comes under discrimination and mental health areas.

Hi CB,
It looks like you basically said the evil training colleague was not doing her job correctly to your other colleague.
That is never going to go down well and I'm not surprised you were pulled in for it when they complained.
You need to document the instances of bad behaviour by the evil colleague and bring them in as evidence to HR.

I'd be asking HR if there is a history of high turnover through your dept as you are not happy with how your training is being conducted or how you are being treated and are doubting yourself and wondering if this is down to a personality clash or an ongoing issue.

I agree with Joysmum. Sorry to say op but it sounds as if you are being treated really poorly and now it has become incredibly complicated. I think you need HR to act as an intermediary. I actually think you all need to be in the same room (well you and the rude woman) with a mediator from HR to talk the problems through and get them out in the open.

It's entirely understandable that you didn't want to say anything to your manager sooner. It is really difficult to complain about things when you are new and when the atmosphere is very hostile. If you can't leave (and to be honest I think I probably would be looking for a different job for my own sanity) you need to get your side across quickly. In my experience is is very rare for someone to behave like this one time only, I have no doubt that the woman has form for it.

I also have excessive workload. Recently it's been 11-12 hour work days and I still have things to carry over for next day.

I know that you all might think this is because I am just being slow and not doing my job properly, but that isn't the case. We are having a busy period and we are short on staff which means that on days I have to take on way too much work.

I never take lunch and I literally have to make time to go to the loo.

Despite doing my very best and despite having caused no issues for the team by not doing something properly or by being careless, I feel like I might get blamed for the smallest of things that go wrong.

Even when I point out a system error or something that another team is not following through on, the conversation eventually turns to what I could have differently or earlier. I have very little control over technical issues or over what other teams follow through on. So I find it both intimidating and frustrating when things that I bring to someone's attention in good faith and out of concern are taken the wrong way and twisted in a way that makes them my "fault".

Because I've been so busy lately, there were a few issues (which I was working on resolving anyway) that I brought to the attention of people I knew could fix them. I couldn't tell my supervisor at the time because she was away on a business trip and I didn't tell her when she returned because the issue by then had been resolved. After a few days, this problem has resurfaced in a much bigger way. I immediately told her about it and explained all that I had done to fix things. Somehow, this might still be my fault I have to have a meeting next week to explain why things happened and to essentially explain myself. I am absolutely terrified because no matter how much I cover myself, I have a feeling they'll come up with a loophole that makes this entire mess my fault.

Gurnie- yes, she behaves like this repeatedly. She is rather prone to mood swings as well. She will be completely normal one and chat to people on one day and then she'll snap everyone's (especially mine) head off the next day.

And I have no doubt that she will continue to behave poorly unless someone takes serious disciplinary action against her.

OP - without knowing what the job is and having read everything you have posted and the advice you have been given, it sounds like a horrendous situation. However much you like the work it also sounds as though you are a square peg in a round hole in that you don't fit in. I am not apportioning blame to anyone. If it were me, I would be getting out and fast. It happens - sometimes we just aren't right for the job. I've been there and with the benefit of hindsight, leaving was the best outcome for me and for them, although it didn't feel like it at the time.

The problem which has now cropped up seems to stem partly from you not having mentioned it to the supervisor when she returned from her trip - things like that should always be related because sod's law they come back to bite you. As a supervisor you would want to know about such things even if they have been resolved. That sounds like a lack of judgement from you. Not dissimilar to you not raising your concerns when you had the opportunity.

Sorry OP, but it doesn't sound good for you in the job. And do you know what: it is just a job and you'll get another one. I'm not being glib but you have to take a step back and protect yourself.

OP - while I don't know your workplace and the culture there, I would seriously advise you to tackle this issue head on immediately!

I was bullied at work completely out of the blue and this went on for six months - probably the worst six months of my life. I was terrified, puzzled, miserable, desperate. I was supported by no-one, the bully got much more support.

In that time I had a ruined honeymoon, a miscarriage and now have what seems a permanent psychological issue as a result of the bullying. My personality has actually changed, and for a long time I withdrew to myself completely.

When the episode was brought to a close I was so relieved that I just carried on as usual - now I wish I had taken my organisation to task about it as I got zero support although I informed HR of what was happening to me and what the bully did and said to me, and still several years on am suffering to a degree because of it.

Take the bully to task. Complain. Don't let them get away with it.

My bully went on to do it all over again to someone else.

Just wanted to add that while I was being bullied I just tried to continue to have a normal working relationship with this person and hoped it would all blow over - didn't make a complaint until it was absolutely unavoidable, because I didn't want to completely sever our working relationship.

None of it worked, the bully wouldn't give it a rest. He carried on to the bitter end.

Protect yourself OP!

I agree that it was probably a lack of judgement from me to not tell my supervisor about it even though it had then been resolved. But I've learnt my lesson now and it won't happen again. And I've done all I could to resolve the problem. :(

It's my first proper job actually and I'm still learning so much. Sometimes it gets overwhelming because I'm new to it all. I wish I could be supported to take these small errors in judgement as a learning experience rather than something to get chastised and blamed for.

I'd also say that this is a vicious cycle. I don't get supportive or encouraging vibes from my manager and this makes me hesitant to speak to her about an issue that I can probably resolve myself. Given her temperament, I don't feel confident enough to go up to her unless I am sure that the problem isn't something that can backfire.

I am going to ask this next question very hesitantly because I am wary of offending anyone here who has taken the time to give me helpful advise.

Could any of this perhaps be down to some sort of racial discrimination? My friend suggested it might be.

I am not white but I have never before faced any kind of discrimination because of it.

This isn't something that has ever even crossed my mind before because I have friends and family from all different backgrounds.

But I am just trying to understand in my mind what it could be that is getting them to behave in this way.

All of the above is understandable OP, but there could be more serious consequences to you and your life if you let this continue. Your job is important to you but so is your happiness and mental health, surely?

I'm just saying I tried to carry on as usual for similar reasons and didn't tackle the situation, but it didn't improve. And I am still carrying the damage from the bullying.

Your job is important to you but so is your happiness and mental health, surely?

I agree with you, it is.

I'm just saying I tried to carry on as usual for similar reasons and didn't tackle the situation, but it didn't improve. And I am still carrying the damage from the bullying.

I am so sorry that you had go through this as well :( I can empathise when you say it changed you because it has changed me too. I have always been a confident, straightforward and friendly person but I can't help withdrawing into myself and being depressed and stressed all the time.

OP I really feel for you. I was in a similar situation ten years ago. It was my first graduate job out of uni and I moved to a new city to take it. I had good grades at university and I had worked a lot before I graduate so although I knew it was a learning curve I thought I'd be okay. It was awful. My boss took a dislike to me immediately. I think there were some weird jealousy issues going on, though I didn't really get it at the time. He ripped my work to shreds in front of everyone. He never said anything nice or encouraging. Told me "trained monkeys could do a better job than you".

I went from being a confident outgoing 23 year old to vomiting with anxiety before work. To this day the thought of running into him at an industry event makes my stomach lurch, even though I've done well in my career & am in a great senior position now, and realise he was a insecure little shitbag. I left after a year and a half - I should have left a year earlier. It deeply shook my confidence for years afterwards.

Do put your concerns on record with HR and do start job hunting. If you find something you might want to think about a constructive dismissal action. Life's too short to spend everyday being tormented. Chin up - this too will pass.

I just spent months job hunting was lucky enough to land a job in the place that was my first choice. The idea of giving this job up and starting from scratch again is very, very overwhelming.

Told me "trained monkeys could do a better job than you".

Oh no, so it can be even worse! That is horrible. Just horrible. And so inappropriate.

Oh god that wasn't the half of it. It still makes me angry to think of it! I remember starting a subsequent job and worrying that I'd f*cked something up (I am a lawyer) and my boss saying "oh don't worry, you're fine - you can't beat my record! I got the company sued in my first week!"
It was such a normal, human response - suddenly I realised what working with normal people was like! My previous boss would have taken the opportunity to tell me how shit I was. (Funnily enough, every single subsequent job I've done well in and been well-liked. It was him that was the problem, not me.)

Also the thing about bullying is that people who are afraid/anxious make mistakes/can't work confidently. It's a vicious cycle.

I know job hunting seems overwhelming but so must the thought of working with fckwits! Try to tackle the fckwits but also keep an eye out for something else.

Good god OP!

I've been bullied about three times in my working career - the other time was recently - the first job I was about 19, was there 2 years and it was natural progression time, just high level bullying from someone who also bullied the graduates at the company and eventually was disciplined for it after I'd left! The 2nd was about 7 years ago, unfair appraisals from manager, bitching behind my back etc - I stayed there 14 months and left (the company has form for bullies and I was offered an improvement plan so I could stay) then got another job and then contract temped.

In my current job I was bullied internally/externally to do with temp who works for our company, and is also a good friend of the other PA (who also bullied me) - I am trying to get another job now. But it's bearable.

I will say, it now looks like they're targeting you and turning on you (common) - read Andrea Adam's books on bullying at work. It won't get better, HR can often be rubbish re bullies.

I strongly suggest you start looking for another job now.