AIBU to think I am being treated horribly?

[CompletelyBroken]

(I've changed my name to post this thread)

I'm a grown woman who has returned from work in tears because I am being bullied so badly :(

The training process has been horrible. There's no other way to describe it.

The girl who was asked to train me first is rude, patronising, and deliberately argumentative. She talks to me like I am a child, looks for ways to make me feel stupid and is extremely rude and snappy.

She explains many things halfway and then when I ask follow up questions, she insists that she's already covered it with me. Apparently explaining something in detail and mentioning something in passing are now the same things.

If I encounter something new, she either says 'I've done this with you' or she starts a guessing game- 'So.What do you think you should do?'
I appreciate that nobody wants to spoon-feed me (and I don't want that either!) but there are some things that I have virtually no way of knowing unless someone tells me. There are other times when I'll figure out 90% of what to do and just a need a confirmation regarding the next step. In these scenarios, especially with deadline-driven tasks, it is neither efficient nor effective to get me to sit there for an hour trying to "guess" what to do next.

On most occasions when I ask questions I am made to feel like a stupid nuisance. Often I am given vague answers like "You need to look into it" with no description whatsoever of how to go about it.

I feel small and humiliated and my work is affected because I dread having to ask a question or confirm something with a colleague.

I had one ally in the team but lately he has also become irritable and patronising with me. He has always maintained that this other colleague is very rude and awful (she is like that with him as well) but he has now stared ganging up against me with her.

A couple of days ago both of them refused to clarify something for me ( I had already figured out the issue and the solution, I merely wanted details of a contact that I had no way of knowing). My female colleague first started the usual guessing game with me- who do you think the contact is? What would you do?

I admit I was quite exasperated with all this, and I just cut myself away from the situation by saying "Thanks, i'll figure it out". She kept going after me and smirking and saying " Oh but X, what do you think you should do? Didn't I just explain this to you? that's what I'm saying.... blah blah". I didn't respond and I cut her short because I didn't see the point of this pointless back and forth. I had just about had it.

I emailed the colleague I thought was my friend to ask him for help but to my shock he started the same guessing game and was equally patronising with me. It was evident that he didn't even understand the issue because response I got was completely unrelated.

I finally had to confirm with third person only to have this colleague email me back to say that I had offended him and the other girl because I had "gone against" them by asking a third person. He said that this was their way of teaching me and I should figure it out myself no matter how long it takes.

Now I completely agree that I need to figure it out myself (and that is what I do), but there are times when the issue will be something I have no way of figuring out myself and someone will have to tell me. There will be other times when it isn't feasible to have me or anyone else sitting there trying to guess something for hours on end.

I am tired of being spoken to badly, humiliated and feeling constantly scared and afraid of asking questions or worrying about what someone is going to say to me next. Every time I object, I am patronised and told it's all for "my own good" and this is how I'll learn. Colleagues who are on the same level as I am act like my managers and the whole thing is very paternalistic.

I haven't stopped crying since I came home and I am absolutely miserable.

Also be careful, you can be fired in various different ways as you haven't been there 2 years or not, bullying or not - see my unfair appraisal and improvement plan - ways to get rid of someone and all this was without warnings and with me going to HR to warn/complain etc about bullying or my unfair appraisal (which it was).

I literally had the office bitch in the department where I worked, her boss had left due to sickness so she was after some of my work (and got it), there were 13 people and about 4 of them were bullying/bitching/ganging up on me behind my back. Strange to say, the head of the dept (partner) was the nicest and fairest one there. When this all escalates even HR can be of little use, well I found that anyway.

I'd be really careful about bringing up racial stuff too unless you have proof. There's no proof about that so far here. I say that now, as I work as Legal PA, we deal with employment stuff.

Sorry to say but it really does seem like this will get worse, your trainer is the main problem, the bully! and it's escalated already.

Have you posted about this before?

Have to agree with SuperFly, I think employment laws are generally pretty average at actually protecting your job but do put yur concerns re bullying on record so you're in a stronger position to negotiate a payout if it comes to that.

Gennz - what payout?! They don't have to give her anything!

Bullying at work is extremely hard to prove, she's already had a colleague and another workmate (trainer?) complain and say that she the OP has been rude to them… all it takes is elaboration on their part, bad appraisal etc and they'll find a way to get rid of her. Trust me I've got the lowdown on this one from my last perm job before the one I have now in a big company!

Strangely when I did long term temping (2 years high up central government) there was little or no bullying but it was back to back work so after 2-3 months I could happily leave! Heaven.

Even when I point out a system error or something that another team is not following through on

I wonder OP if you are not aware how you may come across - your own 'personal impact' - if you are critical of other things going on you may be seen as being difficult or commenting inappropriately on something which isn't really your concern in your role? Like the messaging where you were critical of one colleague to another.

You also say not mentioning the apparently resolved issue to the supervisor was a 'small error of judgement'. Well maybe it wasn't such a small error of judgement as you think; perhaps with more experience you would form a different view?

Sometimes you have to keep your head down and get on with things. I am someone who used to be very vocal about things I thought were wrong, etc and I had to learn that you do your job and let other people deal with the problems - if you have noticed issues then others will have done too. You also have to realise that people can be very different from you and still be effective and achieve the desired outcome.

I'm not having a go at you OP, but I think you may not have enough self-awareness yet to have the full picture.

you are a square peg in a round hole in that you don't fit in

I can't agree with this. They are bullying you because they can. or she can. Bullies aren't known for their superior social skills.

You probably panicked when faced with the bullying because of your previous experience of bullying at school - rabbit in headlights stuff, keep quiet and it'll go away - so you said nothing at the appraisal (this is sooo understandable, bullying can wreck you). But it's not going away and, challenging though it is to even consider looking for another job, I really would recommend you do for the sake of your long term mental health. As previous posters have said, bullying in the workplace can have long term and deep repercussions for the victim. It could also shift things psychologically for you in that your eggs won't all be in one basket.

ime you can get snowed under in record time with bullying (eg would anyone ever have thought, in a million years, they'd be eg sobbing/vomitting/in a total state over something like this?). The org, or something systemic in it, sounds toxic and I'd get out iiwy.

Did you have two threads about this new job before Easter?

What sort of ages are you, the 3 colleagues and the supervisor ?

They sound a few years younger than you.

What were you doing in the first 2 months and did that include background reading/getting up to speed ?

wowfudge-

I didn't mean to say I am critical of procedures or the way we do things. I meant that if there is a technical issue with the system that is preventing us from getting to some information or numbers that we need, I definitely need to make my supervisor aware of it. It doesn't mean I am criticising the system, I am simply pointing out a technical glitch.

You also say not mentioning the apparently resolved issue to the supervisor was a 'small error of judgement'. Well maybe it wasn't such a small error of judgement as you think; perhaps with more experience you would form a different view?

Yes, absolutely. I can't argue with that. From my POV, I did what I could to resolve the issue in my supervisor's absence and it was resolved at the time. I could definitely have still sounded her off, but I'm not entirely certain what good it would have done since it was already resolved for the time being. When the issue recurred, it was brought to her attention immediately. I've learnt my lesson for the future and now I'd rather just bring everything to the attention of a senior person no matter how trivial it may seem to me.

I did ask some detailed questions during my training. I didn't ask for the sake of asking, I asked to understand the process better and to prepare myself for any sort of issues that may come up. Questions like- 'could we also do this?' or 'how does X impact Y?'.

This did not go down well. I was told I am "challenging" the way things are done . Challenging would have been "why do we do it like this" or "we shouldn't do it like this, I prefer X" or "this is wrong" etc. etc. which I definitely didn't get into.

I accepted the processes the way they are, I only asked a few questions to make sure I understood what we were doing and what the connection between things was. Again, I don't know why that was wrong :(

Almost everyone in my office is older than I am. My two colleagues and my supervisor certainly are.

No I haven't posted about this before.

Bluntly, how bright are these people ?

Is it possible that you are making them look bad because of your prodigious output ?

They want to hamper your progress because you'll soon be taking roles they'd like to slide into.
You're not exactly going to be forming an orderly queue are you ?

Is it possible that you are making them look bad because of your prodigious output ?

Hahaha :) I honestly don't know. I am definitely trying my best but I would imagine that it would be perceived as a good thing and not something to get insecure about. Maybe I am naive?

Possibly. You'll be "taking" "their" jobs. No ?

I'm still curious, are they very bright ?

I sent you a PM about this.

Dangerous situation. Don't make it worse.

Goblin-

I know it's a very sticky situation and I don't want to make it worse.

What do you think I could do to make sure things don't get worse? take a stand or just keep my head down continue working as if nothing happened?

OP - I have to say from re-reading your original post, the fact that this is your first proper job and your reaction from the training (see below) and in your initial post that you seem to be coming across as criticising your colleagues (especially the female trainer). You called the female trainer a "girl" yet later on you've stated she's older than you. In fact from your reaction/interaction with your training with her you seem to fire off words like she's "smirking", "rude", "patronising" etc which I'm sure she picks up on. It seems to be to me that you don't value this woman and her role. You also seem overtly critical - see below.

"There was a conversation I had with my colleague via a messenger in which I had communicated that I didn't think it was appropriate to spend asking me to guess what to do when we had tight deadlines to meet since it wasted time. I had also communicated that this method of training wasn't very effective. This is literally all I said in pretty much the same language. I also said that X hadn't been able to help and that I had had to ask Y."

At best this is a clash of personalities (which often has a ripple effect - if the trainer feels she's not being listened to, is being criticised etc then of course she will involve her colleague - remember both these people have only known you for a few months), at worst this is bullying but you really are not making things better for yourself.

Also, I have to say, from knowing a friend who HAS experienced racial discrimination in the workplace I am quite disgusted that you've brought this up as a possible reason for your treatment with no grounds/evidence whatsoever.

I have to say looking back that I'm not sure whether you're BU or not. Good luck.

i would go to HR and say that you think you are being the subject of racial discrimination

and watch them all shit themselves

really i would

The racial discrimination was not something that even crossed my mind, but my close friends have repeatedly been bringing it up since I am the only one from a different ethnic background in the office. I have no intention of bringing this up at work or accusing anyone without evidence. I am merely struggling to understand why I am being targeted.

Yes, I did refer to my colleague as a 'girl' but it is because despite being older than myself she is still quite young. I didn't mean it in an offensive way at all.

Yes, I you could say I was critical of my colleague and this is because I do believe that the training that is being giving to me is not the best and the attitude that I am facing is intimidating and rude.

In fact from your reaction/interaction with your training with her you seem to fire off words like she's "smirking", "rude", "patronising" etc which I'm sure she picks up on. It seems to be to me that you don't value this woman and her role. You also seem overtly critical - see below.

I'm not entirely sure what this means.

She does smirk, she does patronise and she is rude. Don't know what is meant by her picking up on this- surely since she is the one acting this way, she would be aware of it?

I value everyone and their role, but it is hard to respect someone who treats me with no respect. I may be new but my role has value too otherwise why would I have been hired?

Custardo - that's a disgusting thing to say and even joke about.

Damn - my post I just typed went!

I would not (despite what your close friends say) bring up racial abuse unless you specifically hear or have something like this done. The only way on from that unless you have proof would be they probably WOULD get rid of you and then you'd be in legal territory.

As a newbie (who they don't know) they probably are wary or you and the critical way you've approached your problems so far. It is a tricky balancing act I agree to broach your concerns but sadly in your dealings with the other person (supervisor via the message) this seems to have backfired.

I am being bullied at work at the moment and i am consulting a union about it, a good friend of mine said to me today " they aren't going home and thinking about this, it isn't affecting them in any way"

and this is true, i am totally devastated on a daily basis, it's like they are sucking the light out of me.

I think you have something with the discrimination - and how would you possibly get evidence? i would go to HR and just say the word in your position if it was that bad

however they can basically get rid of you anytime before the first year of employment and you have very little recourse - so you could stick it out the year?

the other thing is - if you think a case is being made to sack you because you are stupid, incompetent and unprofessional - you have nothing to lose

What I meant is that I think your trainer has picked up on her behaviour towards you (can be physical etc) and also maybe your reaction towards her smirks etc. She may well be aware of this but she's the one training you not the other way round.

I have another suggestion - why not try to be a friend of this trainer (ignore the smirks, patronising etc) maybe do coffee with her, maybe be friendly with her (you don't have to make the friendship real) but use this as a learning curve that gets you through the training) - if she says what you said in original post re "what do you think you should do?" then carry on that game with them.

then if it gets back that you're not trained, you're not happy etc you can say "well I did what they said".

also diarise any involvement with them in case it is a bullying scenario.

I think also here the trainer and her colleague are thinking you are not respecting them (and you're younger, first job) in that case you need to play a clever game to them, act as though you're learning, give them/acknowledge respect etc… then maybe you could salvage something here.

You don't fit in, I really think it's as simple as that. It's not to say you are wrong or they are, just some people don't fit with some organisations. I'd start looking for another job.