AIBU to think I am being treated horribly?

[CompletelyBroken]

(I've changed my name to post this thread)

I'm a grown woman who has returned from work in tears because I am being bullied so badly :(

The training process has been horrible. There's no other way to describe it.

The girl who was asked to train me first is rude, patronising, and deliberately argumentative. She talks to me like I am a child, looks for ways to make me feel stupid and is extremely rude and snappy.

She explains many things halfway and then when I ask follow up questions, she insists that she's already covered it with me. Apparently explaining something in detail and mentioning something in passing are now the same things.

If I encounter something new, she either says 'I've done this with you' or she starts a guessing game- 'So.What do you think you should do?'
I appreciate that nobody wants to spoon-feed me (and I don't want that either!) but there are some things that I have virtually no way of knowing unless someone tells me. There are other times when I'll figure out 90% of what to do and just a need a confirmation regarding the next step. In these scenarios, especially with deadline-driven tasks, it is neither efficient nor effective to get me to sit there for an hour trying to "guess" what to do next.

On most occasions when I ask questions I am made to feel like a stupid nuisance. Often I am given vague answers like "You need to look into it" with no description whatsoever of how to go about it.

I feel small and humiliated and my work is affected because I dread having to ask a question or confirm something with a colleague.

I had one ally in the team but lately he has also become irritable and patronising with me. He has always maintained that this other colleague is very rude and awful (she is like that with him as well) but he has now stared ganging up against me with her.

A couple of days ago both of them refused to clarify something for me ( I had already figured out the issue and the solution, I merely wanted details of a contact that I had no way of knowing). My female colleague first started the usual guessing game with me- who do you think the contact is? What would you do?

I admit I was quite exasperated with all this, and I just cut myself away from the situation by saying "Thanks, i'll figure it out". She kept going after me and smirking and saying " Oh but X, what do you think you should do? Didn't I just explain this to you? that's what I'm saying.... blah blah". I didn't respond and I cut her short because I didn't see the point of this pointless back and forth. I had just about had it.

I emailed the colleague I thought was my friend to ask him for help but to my shock he started the same guessing game and was equally patronising with me. It was evident that he didn't even understand the issue because response I got was completely unrelated.

I finally had to confirm with third person only to have this colleague email me back to say that I had offended him and the other girl because I had "gone against" them by asking a third person. He said that this was their way of teaching me and I should figure it out myself no matter how long it takes.

Now I completely agree that I need to figure it out myself (and that is what I do), but there are times when the issue will be something I have no way of figuring out myself and someone will have to tell me. There will be other times when it isn't feasible to have me or anyone else sitting there trying to guess something for hours on end.

I am tired of being spoken to badly, humiliated and feeling constantly scared and afraid of asking questions or worrying about what someone is going to say to me next. Every time I object, I am patronised and told it's all for "my own good" and this is how I'll learn. Colleagues who are on the same level as I am act like my managers and the whole thing is very paternalistic.

I haven't stopped crying since I came home and I am absolutely miserable.

OP,

I was in a situation like you: had some very professional, "naice" jobs, then returned to the workforce at a fairly low level.

What I thought of as my "am I being too sensitive and just a newbie and too used to working with naice people" perception was spot on the button?

After I started having concerns about my manager (and I was doing the job easily) I learned the previous person in my job had been bullied out of their "training period" after a week by the same manager (I'd been called in "at the last minute" - it turns out the original person had walked).

Quite frankly, he was just a twat. It was NOTHING to do with the job or my ability to do or not do it: there was just a very weird/unhealthy culture being created by that particular role in that particular team. Which wasn't just one person, but everyone just covering up for each other and going "look, the newbie is a bit thick and lets all bitch about her and gaslight her".

Against all the "practical" voices, I walked. Few years ago for me.

But this year, reading in the newspaper, shit got real for them (serious police case to do with the company and that particular department/team/shift) and it became clear just how I had dodged a bullet - I think that part of the hostility towards me was part of a general culture of the company being worried about being caught out in the things they got done for.

I think given the detail you've explained it in, I definitely don't think you're exaggerating, or being slow. I'd think about taking things very, VERY seriously in terms of grievance/getting out/covering your own back.

Your emotional health is important. You've got a lot of sound practical advise. But in my opinion, when that kind of unhealthy workplace culture arises, and nutters who have an axe to grind or have just taken a dislike against you, or there is some awful dynamic you've walked into. Then you're not working in the realms of the rational.

I've been in this situation before OP, it sucks. It was because the others felt threatened that I was more qualified and better paid (though I don't know how they knew this). I agree with others that you need to keep a diary of this. Also go to superiors if these guys refuse to help. It will fall on them in the end, not you. You were hired for a reason.

I wonder if part of the problem is they have rewritten history for themselves and are saying 'but she's been here 3 months, how can she not know x?'

I still think talking to your boss and asking about your progress and further training support might help.

Just do everything you can to learn fast and be done with nasty bullies. And go to others as often as you can to show how rubbish your 'trainer' is being.

If they ask you to guess is it because they are covering up that they don't know the answer themselves?

I have been told my progress and performance are good.

When asked if I had any concerns I just said 'no' and when asked how the team was I said 'fine'. I want to kick myself for it now. I have only a week to go before I my probation ends and I didn't want to jinx it when she was finally praising me for something.

I know I really should say something, but I feel like I'm too new and nobody will believe me.

Why then, OP, are you having 'training' if your progress and performance are 'good'?

Something is off kilter somewhere. If I were in your position, I'd got to my manager and ask for a proper assessment of my performance on the job so that I'd have a starting point on things to work on (if any were needed).

You can't go on like this. Not least because of your mental health if you're continually treated like this - but also because as an adult worker, it's expected that you will address issues that are affecting your job, in an adult and prompt manner rather than just 'waiting and seeing'. Plan your strategy NOW and then take those steps. 'Do nothing' is NOT an option for you here.

Why then, OP, are you having 'training' if your progress and performance are 'good'?

I don't understand your question?

There are quite a few things one needs training on in my job. In the things I've been trained on already, my performance and progress have been deemed good. However, there is still some ongoing training remaining and that will take another month or so.

Even after that, one is always learning and there will always be some things you might need to seek a colleague's opinion on.

AIBU? Yes; your posts seem to display something of a persecution complex: 'The girl is ...rude, patronising and deliberately argumentative;' 'she is visibly colder to me than everyone else';' they are ganging up against me;' rather bald statements; could you be misinterpreting their responses? Asking 'what would you do now' is an approved teaching/training technique; you have nearly completed your training and have done well, so it must be working. Being paternalistic is not all bad; dealing with employees in an authoritarian but benevolent way; it could be worse.

Sorry, Goblin, that's completely unfair. You are victim blaming here.

It does sound as they are all exasperated with you now. I think that you need to have a discussion about this situation with your supervisor/manager and if he or she calls in the woman who is training you and your colleagues, so be it. You can't go on like this. It maybe that this job's not for you, but it needs to be sorted out sooner rather than later.

No, I have not completed my training- I already explained this.

Just because something is an "approved" method doesn't mean it's good or respectful. Treating a grown adult like a 5-year old child is not appropriate IMO and it makes me feel humiliated.

'What would you do now?' is fine to ask- when it makes sense. It doesn't make sense to play this game when there's 5 mins to get the task finished or when it's something I have no way of knowing unless I'm told about it.

Being paternalistic is not all bad; dealing with employees in an authoritarian but benevolent way

I disagree, but even if we assume that you are right this would hold water if my supervisor or boss were treating me this way. It still doesn't give a free license to someone who is at the same level as I am and has been asked to train me simply because she's been here for a long time.

Someone who has been here for a long time clearly does have licence to train you; she has practical experience and knowledge. Why do you think you were constantly bullied in school? Why do you think you are being bullied now?

It is IME entirely usual for someone who is at the same level as you and doing the same job as you to be the one who trains you. Who better, in fact?

Well, obviously she has the license to train me but not to behave in a rude, patronising and paternalistic manner. Unless you think that it's impossible to train someone without being that way?

Either way, I appreciate that you don't agree that I am being treated badly or that the method of training being employed is ineffective. That's absolutely fine, and I would rather not get into an argument with you about it.

It is IME entirely usual for someone who is at the same level as you and doing the same job as you to be the one who trains you. Who better, in fact?

Think you missed the point I was making- I never said otherwise.

You said it was OK to be paternalistic and authoritarian with employees. I answered that while I disagreed, your argument might hold water if it was a boss who was treating me that way but someone on the same levels as I am. I am not the "employee" of someone who is on the same level as I am, irrespective of how long they've worked there.

I understand what you meant broken. A couple of posters seem to be deliberately misunderstanding what you are saying. You have come across as completely reasonable in your posts. I would ignore the posts designed to pull you into an argument and focus on the ones that have given decent advice.

Best of luck op. I've been in a similar position before. No matter how confident you are, it slowly erodes your self worth if you don't do something about it right away.

It is IME entirely usual for someone who is at the same level as you and doing the same job as you to be the one who trains you.

It is entirely usual, but that doesn't necessarily make someone a good trainer. If you've got someone who's good at it, it's great. If they're not, then you can be left with areas you're unsure of and gaps you aren't even aware of years later. Not everyone is aware of different learning styles, they may make (incorrect) assumptions about pre-existing knowledge. They won't check progress and understanding, will expect everything to go in first time, and won't go over things again. Good training will review and build on knowledge so the most important points are covered again.

Do you have a training manual you're meant to cover, or a list of subjects?

I always take notes in training, because it helps fix things in my mind, and because I don't remember everything, so I have something to refer back to. You too have been taking notes, so you can make a list of what you've already covered - if you have the list of subjects, compare the lists, so you know what the gaps are. If there is no list of subjects, you still have your list of what you've done, so one of your trainers should still be able to look at it, and say, "We still need to cover X, Y, Z." It will also help you identify the areas you're less sure about and need to go over again.

Also, make sure you've got a list of all the exceptions that have to be handled. If that is not yet documented, then it should be, and if you've been taking notes, that's your starting place.

We've been having a lot of problems with procurement lately, as the procedures and training are all very US-centric, so we have to deal with all the EMEA exceptions that aren't documented. So we're documenting them, and we're going to write up the requirements for training that aren't currently covered. It's unlikely to be perfect first time round, but it will make it far easier to see what we've missed out and need to include for the second edition. You could argue it's not our responsibility to do this - but we are the ones who are initially going to benefit most from it, so it's worth the effort, and when people in EMEA get trained up in future, there will be less time spent in handling the exceptions in an ad-hoc way. We will know what needs to be covered, and make sure everyone gets to cover it, and can look it up, rather than, "oh, I think you need to ask Chris about that, he had something like that last month, but he's on holiday till next week, so I'm not really sure..."

Take things into your own hands. Ask for a 3 month review with your supervisor, to see how you're settling in. Produce your list of things covered - show how this compares with the training list if there is one and if there isn't, say that there should be a list to help track people's progress, so you can see what else there is to cover. Also point out the exceptions and that there needs to be documentation. Point out what's in it for them (anyone coming after you should get better training and documentation as it's easier to track and check things.) There shouldn't be much overhead, as you're already taking notes - so it's just making it more widely available.

It's good advice also to make a record of all the events - this can be evidence of bullying, but it might also show that things aren't as bad as you've been building up in your mind. It's evidence that you can work with, rather than perception.

Do you get any opportunities for soft skills courses? You could ask to go on a course to improve your communication skills, as you feel you're sometimes not managing to get your message across to your colleagues. I am not saying this is your fault - but it might give you some tools to counter some of their behaviour - things like active listening, and reflecting back to them what they've said to make sure you've understood. They might still come back with, "you heard what I said, I'm not repeating it," but at least you can do your best to make sure the problem really isn't with you. If it's a good course, you may be able to recommend it for others, and maybe they'd improve, too.

CompletelyBroken... Thank you for explaining. My post was just a question, no inference behind it. I'm absolutely supportive of you albeit trying (misguidedly) to slip into 'problem-solving' mode. Apologies if it seemed to be 'needling' you.

So, in one month your training is completed. Will you still have interaction with the trainer or are you then deemed to be able to get on with it by yourself? What I'm asking is whether you can 'stick it out' for one month or whether you will need to take some action right now?

I walked out of a job after 6 months last year for similar reasons. Innefectual managers, shockingly poor training and what I felt was bullying from a couple of colleagues.
Nothing to do with my abilities but I did feel that I just didn't fit in there.

Thank you everyone for your support and advice. I really appreciate it.

Sorry I disappeared there for so long but I've been busy with a lot of different things.

The update I have is actually really concerning :(

I deeply regret not going to my manager first because a a few days back I was taken aside and pulled up for my bad behaviour.

It turns out that my trainer and the colleague I thought was a friend have both turned around and gone behind my back to complain about me to my supervisor.

They've said that I am rude and that I have had issues with them

There was a conversation I had with my colleague via a messenger in which I had communicated that I didn't think it was appropriate to spend asking me to guess what to do when we had tight deadlines to meet since it wasted time. I had also communicated that this method of training wasn't very effective. This is literally all I said in pretty much the same language. I also said that X hadn't been able to help and that I had had to ask Y.

This conversation was very formal and I was more assertive than I usually am. But at no point did I abuse or use any offensive language during the conversation.

It turns out that this personal conversation was shown to my supervisor and she pulled me aside because of it.
I was told that my language was 'not acceptable'. I can't release the detailed conversation on here for obvious reasons, but trust me when I say that I wasn't impolite or rude at any point. I did make my feelings clear but I don't see what was so wrong about doing that especially when I didn't insult anyone in the process?

I was also accused of being someone who is constantly annoying people by challenging too many things. I have literally done my work the way I have been asked and I have only asked questions when something hasn't made sense.

I feel like I am being misunderstood and that my supervisor is believing all the lies that are being told by my colleagues. :(

I really, really like my work and I want to keep this job.

I know I should have complained first but I messed up. What damage control can I do? I clarified things as much as I could when I was taken aside, but I don't know how far I was believed.

I was so taken aback when my manager started this conversation that I didn't mention a few things that I now feel were important.

Should I request another meeting with her to clarify further or just let this go for now?

You need to find another job ASAP. I know that's easier said than done, but this isn't going to get better.

It really is easier said than done :( Besides, I like this job and this company has a great reputation. I don't want to have to give it up so quickly.

I also don't understand why I am being hated so much.

Since this incident happened, I have still made an effort to be normal with them and my supervisor has seen me chatting with them on numerous occasions.

The funny thing is, this colleague is rude to our supervisor as well and given these circumstances I would imagine that I should be believed.

I'm also wondering if I should speak to my colleague who tattled on me because at this point I feel really betrayed and it's hard for me to be normal with both of them knowing what they have done.