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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

27 year old Grandmother

665 replies

bongobaby · 16/04/2014 13:02

Her 12 year old daughter has given birth last Sundayand the dad is 13. She fell pregnant in year 6 of primary school. They are totally in love and into each other and want to get married.
Why an earth would you want to be a grandmother at 27 with a daughter of 12 now a mother.

OP posts:
YoureBeingASillyBilly · 16/04/2014 14:55

Did she think her dd was sexually active? Where does OP say that?

levianne · 16/04/2014 14:56

YoureBeingASillyBilly not only did I raise my son without family support, I was looking after my late mother for much of the time. I will never forget standing in a line for the tills at Boots one christmas, my basket filled with tiny nappies for my son and big nappies for my mum. (That, I admit, was a low point. I look back on it and wonder how I managed.)

But - I was in my late 30s when I had my son, and knew something about the world. I agree these children will need all the help they can get.

Cupid5tunt · 16/04/2014 14:56

The use of less than perfect is just a turn of phrase. Of course it's devastating for all concerned but that's not to say it's unworkable if appropriate care and support are given.

YoureBeingASillyBilly · 16/04/2014 14:58

That must have been unbelievably hard levianne. All credit to you for that. I'm so sorry you didn't have more support, i'm sure you would have welcomed it at the time.

Wantsunshine · 16/04/2014 15:05

Can you imagine the names she will be called in the playground when she goes back to school. Girls at that age can be mean!

drinkingtea · 16/04/2014 15:05

I expect this has always happened, but in the past the grandmother would have passed her grandchild off as her own baby ...

TheDoctrineOfSnatch · 16/04/2014 15:09

"If the mother thought hit one second that her dd was sexually active at 11"

I'd be surprised if she did think it. Which of us would have thought it? When I was 11 I was playing in and out if the houses of local friends, some had elder brothers (as did I), one had a summerhouse in the garden that was just used as a playhouse.

It wouldn't have crossed my mind to have had sex but I certainly would have had the opportunist within a "normal" summer day without any of the parents being aware.

Better that the sex and contraception talks happen earlier not later.

Saski · 16/04/2014 15:09

I have an 11 year old, this is very hard for me to understand. It's just so far out of the realm of "normal:. I feel very, very sad for her.

TheDoctrineOfSnatch · 16/04/2014 15:10

"An abortion would probably be legally possible for a child of that age even at 8 months, but it would be hugely traumatic"

I don't think so, unless there was a severe risk to the mother's health.

HolidayCriminal · 16/04/2014 15:15

12 was very marriageable age in medieval times. (Witness mother of Henry VII). It really is just the last few hundred yrs we've got the notion of teenage yrs as extended childhood.

I don't want my 12yo pregnant or impregnating, either. I feel very sad for the ppl involved. But it's not shocking. It's pretty biologically normal all things considered.

Cupid5tunt · 16/04/2014 15:15

Also you couldn't force this girl to have an abortion if she didn't want one. No doctor would carry out that procedure without the permission of the girl.

Viviennemary · 16/04/2014 15:15

Why are these people not being prosecuted. Under age sex is illegal. I wish they would either prosecute or remove this totally disregarded law. It is just total irresponsibility on behalf of all of them.

Cupid5tunt · 16/04/2014 15:16

Who exactly do you want prosecuted vivienne?

Grennie · 16/04/2014 15:16

sillybilly - I know quite a few people who have raised children without any family support at all, or in some cases, without any family contact at all.

My mum had no support at all.

YoureBeingASillyBilly · 16/04/2014 15:16

Prosecute who? The children? Their parents? Who?

Viviennemary · 16/04/2014 15:17

Why have a law if it's never adhered to. A twelve year old mother. A 27 year old grandmother. I wonder who is financially responsible for them. I don't expect they will be self supporting.

YoureBeingASillyBilly · 16/04/2014 15:20

Oh i'm sure there are loads who have/had no support, I just dont know any and i think it's more usual than not to have family support. My point being that most new mothers need/have support to some degree. This girl will need more than i did but less than others i'm sure. I dont think her needing and getting support to raise her baby is an issue. Many of us do.

Original poster
bongobaby · 16/04/2014 15:20

Many of us are struggling by in these times as adults with jobs. Most of us have support in financial terms of both parents in the household bringing a wage in. This father at 13 is not going to be able to financially support his dd through a job he is too young. If the grandparents are all working then they can all pull together for the baby. Will she be able to put a claim in for child benefit/tax credit. Will she be able to stay at home with her mum to help her with the baby. It's a hell of a lot to deal with at such a young age.
Ideally you wouldn't want to be a grandmother at that age as you are probably looking forward to your child becoming a bit more independent of you at 11/12. I feel sad for the little girl as it's going to be a long hard road ahead of her.

OP posts:
Cupid5tunt · 16/04/2014 15:20

It is a safeguarding law. It stops older people engaging in sexual relations with a minor. It is hardly a redundant law is it? In this case it is two minors so please do tell who should be prosecuted?

Is it turning into a benefits bashing thread now too? Is it of any consequence who is financially responsible for this family. Your assumptions are very telling though.

YoureBeingASillyBilly · 16/04/2014 15:21

Who would you prosecute viviennemary?

Also- i am not sure but i think the law is different if both are under 13.

IceBeing · 16/04/2014 15:22

I think the parents of both parents failed monumentally on the education front....not the sex ed front but the responsibility education front.

By the time she is 11 I really REALLY hope to have instilled in my DD a sense of personal responsibility for her own decisions. I hope she will know that at 11 she cannot provide for a child on her own and that she should therefore not have unprotected sex.

Viviennemary · 16/04/2014 15:24

I think the mother of the girl should be prosecuted and the baby taken into care. Because quite honestly this situation is nothing short of child abuse. IHMO.

Grennie · 16/04/2014 15:25

If a child gets pregnant under 12, Social Services will investigate. That is because most of the time it means a child is being raped by an adult.

Cupid5tunt · 16/04/2014 15:27

What should she be prosecuted for? Child abuse? neglect? What if the sexual relations were not in her house? Should his parents be prosecuted too? What about her Father?

YoureBeingASillyBilly · 16/04/2014 15:27

Well that's it isnt it, you can really REALLY hope, but there are no guarantees. Hope that we have covered all the bases is all any of us can do. When they get to 21/22/23 and havent mugged a granny for drug money or created a little football team from their own off spring we can congratulate ourselves on a job well done but until then we can just do our best and hope it is enough.

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