To ask MIL to not force dd to call any adult auntie or uncle

[OBface]

My MIL is from a different culture where they call literally any adult auntie or uncle (bus driver, waiter you name it). For DHs sister and brother in law there are 'special' names used rather than auntie etc. Obviously for my family there isn't. AIBU to be cross with my MIL for giving an outright no when I explained nicely to her this morning that I'd rather keep these terms exclusively for family?

Oops, that should be "wanting her daughter..."

I think you should talk to MIL. It might sound extreme, and hopefully not an overprotective trait, but drawing a difference between family and friends or strangers may not be a bad thing to do.

diddl I already agreed that the MIL shouldn't insist that all adults be called Aunty or Uncle. In my view it should be confined to those of MIL's culture. In fact I actually suggested that those adults are not called Aunty or Uncle either but instead are addressed using the word in the original Hindi or whatever language MIL speaks, even if the DD is speaking English. Just like my DH calls his Norwegian grandma by the Norwegian "Farmor" even though he doesn't otherwise talk to her in Norwegian (because he never learned it). (using as an example of slotting non English forms of address into English; not suggesting she'd find "Grandma" rude).

Just repeat and repeat.

MIL - "ooh no DGD, you must call the waiter Uncle Waiter!"
You (to MIL) - "He's not her uncle"
You (to DD) - "It's fine darling, call the waiter by his name. Silly Granny keeps forgetting that we don't call people uncle and aunts unless they are, haha!"

MIL - "But that's the culture in XYZ"
You - "but it's not our culture/the culture here".

All in a light tone, and change the subject asap.

I don't see how on earth calling someone by their name is disrespectful. Calling everyone aunty this and uncle that is ridiculous

gallstone of course you don't see that calling people by their name is offensive because in British culture it is not. However it's verging on racist to say that doing otherwise is objectively "ridiculous".

How would you feel if a non -British person told you that calling your mother "Mum" was "ridiculous"?

"In my view it should be confined to those of MIL's culture. In fact I actually suggested that those adults are not called Aunty or Uncle either but instead are addressed using the word in the original Hindi or whatever language MIL speaks, even if the DD is speaking English."

I get that.

But from what I understand, neither of the parents want their daughter to address adults in this way, only MIL.

And that is the thing.

MIL is trying to force something that the parents don't want.

I'd think they were entitled to their opinion but that what myself and my mum had agreed was an acceptable term would take precedence

Look, if the WAITER didn't like being called by his first name, then fine.
If I decide that I want my kids' friends to call me Mrs Cowboy rather than my first name, fine.

But that is NOT for anyone else to decide!

gallstone quite- so by the same token, what the MIL and others in her culture have agreed is appropriate should take precedence, as between them.

The majority of the social interactions that require this form of address are not ones where there is any prior acquaintance between the parties, so the only guide as to preferred form of address is the cultural norm. The waiter example in the OP is perhaps misleading because he was someone with whom they were already on first name terms as a friend.

Jessie your point about cultural imperialism is missing the point completely. The US "sir" and "miss" and French "madame" and "monsieur" for servers is lovely and very polite.

I'm assuming we are in the UK and "aunty "
and "uncle" is not the equivalent. It does not sound polite or respectful; far from it. To my very
British ears it sounds at worst patronising and dismissive and at best sort of ghastly faux- Cockney a la a bad Guy Ritchie movie. If I were a waiter in a UK restaurant I would not expect to be addressed as "aunty " by a small child and would think the child and its parents very rude.

If anyone is guilty of "cultural imperialism" it is mil insisting on using a term which is inappropriate to the situation, which the parents don't like and has every chance of being badly interpreted.

"so by the same token, what the MIL and others in her culture have agreed is appropriate should take precedence, as between them."

Yes, so they can all refer to adults as "Aunt/Uncle" as and if they wish.

"I'm assuming we are in the UK and "aunty " and "uncle" is not the equivalent."

Yes, I think that those whose children do use it have said that it's used only to refer to their own close friends, not all adults.

Caitlin perhaps you are misreading my posts. I have consistently stated that the terms should only be used WHEN ADDRESSING PEOPLE FROM MIL'S CULTURE. In other words, only when appropriate to the situation.

But Jessie, the child's mother doesn't want it. She wants aunt and uncle to be reserved for the child's actual aunts and uncles. Given that the father doesn't especially want it either, the gran should stop foisting her pov on the OP.

But like I said earlier nothing will change until the op starts getting more blunt and telks the mil to back off.

There are some cultural habits with which I disapprove.

Enforced respect by children for adults who may not deserve it is pretty near the top of my list.

I don't know whether that's my culture, or just the way the way I've been brought up, but I am comfortable with that.

this is still dragging on

I think op you will have bigger problems with your mil than this, I am guessing if she was not a pita addressing people from her culture (and partly your dd's culture) as auntie and uncle would not be that much of an issue but it really is in much of Asian culture not too. I did it, no confusion and as far as I am aware has not caused any confusion to my cousins. I am called auntie always by younger members of the family on one side (when it is someone who is in their 20's it does make me feel old) other side occasionally by young family members

the issue really is with your mil and what her demands are and will be in the future. mixed cultural families do often clash sometimes you may have to choose to pick your battles. children adapt I have no issue calling anyone when I am with my family who is from the same background and older than me auntie/uncle I do not even think about it it is just done and encourage ds to when we are with them

Is it dragging on? Or do we want to talk about it? I do.

I'm quite offended by the suggestion of cultural imperialism. Why I am not allowed to pass judgement on someone else's cultural practices that I don't agree with?

I also detect social imperialism. But I'm happy to debate it.

just surprised that it is still going that all

I have added to it to drag in further

the op has married into an Asian family, it is quite different to marrying into another british family (not sure what background op is from) cultural differences and expectations are part of it and very frustrating, bizarre other times it is wonderful. that is why I suggested at picking battles they are likely to be ongoing

who has said you can not pass judgement, you may not quite understand the significance of some cultural practices like us all but no one is suggesting that you have to agree with it

Friends of my parents were also called auntie and uncle by us right into adulthood.

I still have "aunties" who I call auntie, as after all these years they are my aunties. They've proved themselves over the years and I love them to bits. They are actually all my mums cousins. I only had 1 "real" auntie and my kids are the same. They have 4 "aunties" who are my 4 best friends and even though ds1 at 14 and dd at 12 know the reality, they choose to call them auntie still.

We all have cultural practices. Some we accept. Some we rub along with and some we reject.

The predominant practice of my own white working class culture appears to correspond with what appears to be the OP's Asian MIL's predominant culture.

I disagree with it. So does the OP. That's her prerogative.

but you are missing the point

not calling someone auntie/uncle is a show of disrespect, here for some maybe a little forward a tad rude or worse for some showing that you could be from a working class background

in our working class background it is not such a show of disrespect because our expectations of what is done socially is not scrutinised in the same way as it is in Asian culture. why does her dp still use auntie/uncle because he knows what it means not too and more importantly why is he not standing up to his mother on this issue

limitedperiodonly - I agree it is the OP's prerogative to disagree with her MIL's cultural practice of aunty/uncle, but I'm not sure about the children.
I think adults can accept/reject what they chose, but maybe children can't/shouldn't until they are old enough to make their own minds up.

I'm thinking back to when we lived in the Caribbean and all children & adults call everyone Miss firstname and Mr firstname. This was very unusual to us and one day my 4 yr old dd was very upset that a friend had told her she musn't call him by his name anymore but by Mr his name. We had no idea how rude our children had seemed calling him by his first name. No-one, of any age, calls anyone older than them by just their name. Once we understood this, it was easy to adapt and go along with. While we thought it was different, we never thought it was ridiculous.

I'm not missing the point FreudiansSlipper. I just have a different point of view from you.

I don't believe not calling someone Aunt or Uncle, especially when they're not you're aunt or uncle, is a sign of disrespect.

My racial and social background is irrelevant.

As parents we choose for our children. That's the parent's prerogative, not the gps.

And as much as the OP has married into an Asian family, her dh has married into a British one.The mil should keep that in mind seeing as the OP has already been flexible on other issues. Surely it makes sense to follow the cultural norms of the country in which they have chosen to live and raise their dc?

Louise... Yes we do but, to be honest, you come across as if you actually despise your child's grandparents.

As a mother we have no more 'rights' than a father to decide 'how things will be'. I can just picture the double-standards that would be apparent were it a father wanting to prevent his IL's from doing something a certain way. Some posters really seem bent out shape at any suggestion that a parent should in any way, bend. It's over such small stuff too. I don't understand that.

I do agree though about following the cultural norms of the country the child is living in.