To ask MIL to not force dd to call any adult auntie or uncle

[OBface]

My MIL is from a different culture where they call literally any adult auntie or uncle (bus driver, waiter you name it). For DHs sister and brother in law there are 'special' names used rather than auntie etc. Obviously for my family there isn't. AIBU to be cross with my MIL for giving an outright no when I explained nicely to her this morning that I'd rather keep these terms exclusively for family?

Littleducks how was I rude?

My DD off her own back thanked the waiter by his name and my MIL corrected her to say Uncle X. I didn't bring this up until we were in the privacy of my home and even then asked her nicely if I could keep the terms for just family. As I mentioned before, relatives from DH side have their own special names whereas my side get lumped in with the rest of the adult world. Even family friends have specific names that denote a closeness to the family. It is literally any other adult that gets called auntie or uncle.

Thanks OP. She was a bit great

I see your problem and I also see that other people don't see it at all, which adds to it.

It's hard and I really hope you find a way to work it out.

I can't offer any advice and sadly for you and me my mum isn't available for consultation any more. Otherwise I'd be happy to ask her for you.

All I can say is that I don't remember any arguments.

I just knew to call people by their first names or Mr and Mrs. That was respectful enough.

But I also dimly remember her saying, like lavenderhoney says, that there was an implication of safety in titles that she wasn't happy with people appropriating for themselves.

When I was a child, (1960s, white British, Northern, working class) the children of lower end working class families addressed all adults as 'auntie' or 'uncle', if they were close enough not to be addressed as 'Mr Smith', 'Mrs Smith' etc.

You didn't have to be 'posh' to get your full title. Our window cleaner was 'Mr Smith'.

My brother and myself were required by our mother not to use 'auntie' and 'uncle' except to blood relatives, as an indication of our superior social status (respectable working class).

I was referring to your post at 19.24, was that a separate incident?

And I'm not saying you are being rude just that in some circles is not the done thing and could appear as rude.

I understand totally about the names. My in laws have word meaning 'dad's elder brothers wife' names. My brother is Uncle Name.

I was at the park the other day and my friend referred to another (complete stranger , different cultural group) mother as auntie to her child as in "let auntie get to the slide" that is just a little to far for me.

i have been bought up calling family/friends/anyone a few years older that i come into contact with auntie/uncle

on the other side on great aunts/uncles

it has never been an issue i just understand that one side of my family (Asian) it is the done thing or the other it is not

really is it that much of an issue in some cultures it is seen as the correct way to address someone and your children are part of that culture

Southern working class and I get that too NotHisMistress

Cleaners were Mrs Limited. Employers were First Name.

The only difference is that we never called our aunts and uncles anything but their first names. No idea why but I do remember my mother saying that no one should ever claim a relationship they weren't entitled to.

Is your mil insisting your dd does this with people not from her culture? They will find it really odd.

If a child I didn't know called me aunty I'd think she'd mistaken me for someone else and might say 'no I'm the waitress here, my name's Lottie' or whatever.

I think I'd be willing to compromise with DD calling family friends auntie/uncle, but not any adult that she comes into contact with.

Ironically I have the opposite problem with my MIL. When DD was christened she insisted that BIL was a Godfather rather than our best man. I said fine, DD can have 2 GFs then.

DD refers to our friend as Uncle and had a far closer relationship with him then her real uncle as she sees him every couple of weeks as opposed to once or twice a year, but every time she referees to him as uncle in front of MIL she gets the hump and tried to point out that he's not her real uncle.

We just ignore her .

i also do not agree with one poster who said it will seem strange to others when or if your children refer to older adults as auntie/uncle

we live in a multi cultural society and i think many are aware that in many cultures this is the norm

also children adapt, they learn to adapt to different cultural expectations in each family and will no doubt act accordingly

Limited I'm sure your mother would have some sage advice on the subject

Littleducks in that instance it was MIL correcting me rather than the other way around. It sounds as your in laws have very similar naming conventions as mine, female line has one set of names, the male line another.

Freudian but in my culture is appropriate to only call the parents siblings aunt and uncle. My DH does not ask DD to call any of our adult friends, even the closest ones, anything other than their first names.

I'm late 40s..we only called one family friend 'aunty' she is my mothers godmother and my grandmothers closest friend. All adults were Mr & Mrs *** etc. My mothers cousins who were same age as my mother were called 'Aunty and Uncle' and her sister obviously as were my DGM's siblings.
On the other hand DH and I are referred to as Aunty and Uncle Boaty by one set of family friends DC who are all over 18 now but still call us that. The elder ones have DC of their own who also call us A & U.
Our DC have always called our friends by their names though. Our DC referred to their actual aunts and uncles as that as children but now they are on first name terms. but have never been close to them anyway

It sounds a bit like a mistranslation (assuming the other culture has its own language). We have a word for the sisters and SILs of our parents - that word is auntie. We don't have a word of 'respect for random female', so your MIL has appropriated 'auntie' for that (this obviously isn't unique to her). But that word is as special to your sister/SIL as whatever is the term in your MIL's language that a child would use for 'father's older sister'. It has a specific meaning to your family which she is eroding by misuse.

There are alternatives. I have Indian colleagues who call me 'Breatheslowly Madam' (their choice, not mine) and use the same format for other senior female colleagues.

does your DH use auntie/uncle to older people from his culture when he is around his family

is it really a big deal, you children will learn when and when not too

because in some cultures (like some Asian cultures) to not address someone older as aunt/uncle is very rude but in british culture it may seem over familiar but it is not a big issue (not sure of your cultural background) but children learn when and when not too very quickly is it really such a big deal

It's really old fashioned to me too.

When we were growing up, we called aunts/uncles by their first names only.

Our children do the same, but my in laws always sign cards auntie xx/uncle xx, despite never being called that

Yes DH will call older people from his culture Auntie and Uncle (as per his mother's wishes) but has never encouraged our DD to do so.

It may seem trivial to you Freudian but to me comes at the end of a long line of issues I have had to compromise on. At which point is it appropriate for MIL to respect my culture?

When we decided to get married DH said he didn't feel comfortable getting married in a church which was completely OK with me (as it should be). It would have been important to my parents but, out of respect for DH, it wasn't mentioned. My MIL indicated further down the line that she would like a small hindu blessing of the marriage which I agreed to. This turned into a 300 strong wedding which was arranged for us. I won't even start on the ridiculous requests I've had since having DD!

i did not say it was trivial but may not seem such a big deal if you did not feel the way you do about your mil

but the problem is not really the auntie/uncle it is about your mil and her lack of respect for your culture

sorry pressed send too quick

if an on going battle with your mil and clash of cultures you dh should step in it is not always easy

I think YABABU. DH is from India and I would have a really hard time of it if I took objection to this. Let it go.

'Uncle gardener' would be a bit weird though. I can't ever see the in-laws ever encouraging the children to call the servants/hired help by familiar names LOL. I think they'd have fits if I suggested they do so.

This was the accepted norm for me culturally growing up. I did it until I was about 8 or 9 I think and then took issue with it and stopped, I was never forced or encouraged to after I'd formed my own opinions on it.

Before having DC I never thought I would encourage my own children to do this but funnily enough that's exactly what I have done. Even though it never bothered me when children called me by my first name alone before, since having my own it just feels, weirdly, really rude when I hear that now.

I don't force them though, I've just done it since they were babies so I guess that's their norm. If they ever take umbrage with doing so then they can stop when they feel like it.

Not sure why your husband's cultural norms automatically trump yours?

Sorry should have directed that to Mimi. Also worth pointing out it is not DH insisting but MIL.

The problem, apart from MIL correcting her GC when neither parent want it, is that Aunt/Uncle have a specific meaning in OPs language.

Exactly Diddl

MIL's relations have specific names denoting a closeness to the family. For me these names are auntie and uncle. Ergo why I'm not keen for her to insist on DD using those terms when speaking to all adults (who don't qualify for a 'special' name in MIL's culture).

"It may seem trivial to you ... but to me comes at the end of a long line of issues I have had to compromise on. At which point is it appropriate for MIL to respect my culture? ... I won't even start on the ridiculous requests I've had since having DD!"
And that's the nub of the matter, isn't it OP? In itself it seems quite trivial, but so is the straw that broke the camel's back.

It doesn't help that your DH is "a little weak in front of his parents", but I do think it would be better if you approached this as a united front. You are his wife and his mother doesn't get to play the matriarch, issuing her orders and expecting you to bow down before She Who Must Be Obeyed. I'm afraid you're going to have to push back, and she's not going to like it.

When she corrects your DD, correct her back. Straight away. Be firm, be pleasant if you can be, but make it clear that you are DD's mother and what you say, goes. Develop catch-all phrases to trot out, e.g. 'No MIL, that's not how it works here in the UK as you well know'. If you don't push back, she will continue to believe that she has carte blanche to do as she pleases. It will undoubtedly cause ructions at first, but persist; otherwise she's going to try riding roughshod over you all the time. Exhausting! So no, YANBU to be cross with your MIL. I'd probably have told her to fuck off by now.