To ask MIL to not force dd to call any adult auntie or uncle

[OBface]

My MIL is from a different culture where they call literally any adult auntie or uncle (bus driver, waiter you name it). For DHs sister and brother in law there are 'special' names used rather than auntie etc. Obviously for my family there isn't. AIBU to be cross with my MIL for giving an outright no when I explained nicely to her this morning that I'd rather keep these terms exclusively for family?

My dp is Swedish and the culture in our area is to call men "uncle" ..... You say uncle and then their name to your parent's male friends and also uncle policeman uncle Dr.

There is no aunty alternative.

Dp has no brothers so there is no confusion but I have a brother ( the word for mother's brother is slightly different to father's brother but still similar)

I would never ask ds not to call other people uncle to keep the word special for my brother.

People are important to children depending on how much time and attention they give the child not what name the child calls them.

It must be different if it is part of your culture but as it's not I think it's aawful. I'd hate to be called "aunty" by any random child or indeed children of close friends. I have no problem with children just using my first name. I'd actually find tacking "aunty" on really quite rude and over-chummy.

YANBU but I'm not sure how you're going to get round it because your MIL thinks it a mark of respect. To me, that's nonsense. What is wrong with a name? And at what point are you old enough to start using it? Or do you never become old enough even when you're drawing your pension?

I was brought up not to even call my actual aunts and uncles Aunty This and Uncle That.

I called them by their first names and as far as I'm aware people on both sides of the family accepted that.

Some family friends tried to insist on it. They were called by the respectful Mr and Mrs Smith, not Uncle Bob and Aunty Jean.

My SIL insists on her children calling me Aunty Limited. Apart from the fact it sounds weird to my ears, it makes me feel about 90.

But that's the way she is, so I let it go and cringe inwardly.

Don't get me started on anyone over the age of eight saying aunty instead of aunt. Before anyone says: yes, I do know that's cultural. It's just not my culture.

I live in Asia so still say this....

It might annoy you, but I think there are more important issues to get annoyed over.

I called close friends of family Auntie and Uncle in the UK and Mr and Mrs. X in the US. It's polite

I would not accept my mil telling me that she will do as she pleases wrt my child even though it directly contradicted what I'd asked for.

She is showing respect to total strangers but none for the mother of her dgd.

For me this would be a 'respect my wishes or don't see my child' conversation.

I do not see why her way of doing things takes priority over yours - she's had her dc and raised them how she saw fit and how you raise yours is up to you.

I also believe that if you live in a country that's not originally your own and your dc/dgc are born there then you need to adapt to that country's 'norms'. If you were living in her country of origin it would be reasonable to expect you to go with what is the norm there.

Your MIL is not right to insist that her family's cultural conventions trump your family's cultural conventions.

Are there equivalent words in MIL's own language which denote respect from a child to an adult which could be used instead?

It's not the MIL's culture vs OP and her daughter's/family's culture though is it? Unless there's some unusual circumstances here, it's the daughter's culture too. And the husband's.

I'm 25 and I had family friend/neighbour aunties and uncles, it's definitely not died out in that sense.

It is your right to put your foot down OP but I don't see why you want to. It won't confuse your daughter. And she can learn to do it with MIL and not with you if it bothers you.

Mumsnet constantly shows me what a minefield relationships are! I encourage dd to call my close friends auntie and uncle and afaik they are fine with it (I hope you're not my friend and secretly seething Caitlin!) but my mil would like dd to use it for her friends most of whom have very little relationship with dd so I don't use it for them. I haven't asked mil not to though as it doesn't really upset me, just seems odd!

I grew up in Wales. Every adult woman was Aunty Something in the part of Wales we lived in. If you didn't know their name, they were just Aunty. It might be that in whatever culture your MIL lives, calling an adult by their first name would sound very rude from a child. Maybe MIl just can't bring herself to do it? To me, it wouldn't be a bad thing for dd to grow up with an appreciation of both cultures.

My children don't call their aunties and uncles Aunty or Uncle though, I think if they did I migth feel more strongly about keeping it as a special word fro relatives. is it the same word in the other culture, is there anything you could use to differentiate?

Isn't the dd's culture determined primarily by the customs of the country in which she is being raised?

Where two beliefs clash, someone is going to have the final say and imo that should be the person who is actually raising the child, not the mil!

Strangers yanbu. Her friends/extended family then I think I would allow the aunties.

Whose native country do you live in? I agree with LouiseAderyn - that should dictate whether you follow her customs or yours. It influences what the waiter (or relevant adult) is expecting.

Strangers yanbu. Her friends/extended family then I think I would allow the aunties.

"Isn't the dd's culture determined primarily by the customs of the country in which she is being raised?"

You would think so.

Certainly I don't think MIL should be forcing it on a child in a country where it isn't usual & where "Aunt & Uncle" already have a specific meaning.

How would she feel if her GD started called all adults by her cultures actual name for Aunty/Uncle iyswim.

I would not find it sweet or respectful, quite the opposite. If the parents know me well enough to use my first name there's nothing wrong with their children using my first name but unless I had said to call me "aunty" (which I wouldn't) I would think it presumptuous of the parents and child. I'm a person, I don't need to be made a quasi member of your family.

I've never had to discuss this but my nephew just uses my first name as do friends'children. My son's friends started off with "Mrs Caitlin's husband's surname" (which isn't my name anyway) and were told just call me Caitlin, which they do.

My children have always called my best friend "Auntie", and hers have done the same to me. Apparently they did all genuinely think they were cousins until they were 13 or so, probably because we always went on holiday together and they have visited my parents with us etc.

Sadly now, one of my friend's lovely daughters has a massive crush on DS, and he is having none of it, because she feels like a cousin to him.

OP what does your husband think. In many cultures it is a form of respect for someone older rather than denoting a relationship.

Some people don't like it I know but I find it strange for my son's friend to shout out my first name.

Is it worth falling out with your MIL on this issue?

I wouldn't call it culture I would call it normal.

Smile, nod and ignore. I get all children to call me my first name and I am not having 'Auntie' put first - it is my name and not up to the parent. My nephews and nieces called me auntie, but I have knocked it off as they get older.

My MIL sometimes refers to her best friend as Aunty to my children. It drives me round the bend. I recognise that it always used to be quite common and a sign of respect, but I believe that it's mine and my husbands choice. I find it strange as my kids barely (or bear-ly - hee hee hee) know her. I've not told her not to, but I try to make it clear, by immediately referring to her by first name only.

I'm with you Caitlin17 I called my parents Mummy and Daddy or Mum and Dad, depending on the circumstance, but that's about it.

It's not disrespectful that children call adults by their first names or by Mr This or Mrs That.

In fact I think it's respectful and adult to expect people to call everyone by their given names.

I learned that from my mother who didn't want people to blur lines.

I don't expect my nieces and nephews to address me as Aunty Limited. I expect them to call me Limited, but I've explained why my SIL has a different view. I disagree, but I'm going to let her get on with it even though I don't like it.

If her children are rude in other respects then I will deal with it. But they're not.

You just wait until they are older, limited, and change it directly with them. When they are a certain age it is nothing to do with the parent (or MIL).

We live in the UK and DH was raised here.

I understand people's views to a point. Calling someone Auntie isn't the worst thing in the world but I'm constantly asked to respect her culture whereas very little regard is given to mine. It really grates that I will say, for example, 'dd, say thank to X' and MIL will correct me and say 'Uncle X'.

It's worth pointing out that this is not just to close family and friends, it is to every adult we come across.

I've had to compromise on a lot over the years, MIL does not take kindly to me having a view on how to bring up DD. The only other thing I've put my foot down on is not having dd's ears pierced or letting her wear a gold chain around her neck. Both of which were met with disapproval.

I think if your dd will be seen as cheeky or rude within your husband's culture by not following this convention, then you are being U. If its really unimportant, or dying out, then not so much. But I think it's your husband's call to make.