To ask MIL to not force dd to call any adult auntie or uncle

[OBface]

My MIL is from a different culture where they call literally any adult auntie or uncle (bus driver, waiter you name it). For DHs sister and brother in law there are 'special' names used rather than auntie etc. Obviously for my family there isn't. AIBU to be cross with my MIL for giving an outright no when I explained nicely to her this morning that I'd rather keep these terms exclusively for family?

YANBU, and it is DH's responsibility to tackle MIL about this and make it stick.

When my DS was small I did not want him to call his real uncles, my two BILs, "Uncle" - my nephew and niece used my first name - nor their DWs "Auntie". They were happy to be addressed by their first name, but MIL - the uncles' mother - once protested that it was disrespectful. Only once; I took her aside and made it clear that DW and I and the uncles wanted it that way and she would have to live with it. A bit of catsbumface followed but she got used to it. TNS about this.

YANBU but you need DH to tell MIL. If he doesn't back you up you have a DH problem, not a MIL problem.

YANBU it is odd to call everyone auntie and Uncle in the UK, so your DD definitely shouldn't be made to do it. It is also unusual for your grandmother to overrule your mother in the UK and you need to model assertive behaviour for your DD.

I was made to call some friends of my parents auntie and uncle when I was small. I hated it as they were unpleasant people who beat their children. It has made me dislike the term even for genuine aunts and uncles.

Marrying across cultures can be difficult. I learnt to navigate it but it needs give and take.

It was a shock to me to have small children calling my father by his first name. Had to explain that 'respect' was important to us.

Tbh, I'd rather a child respect me by being polite and well behaved.
I would find it very old fashioned and faintly ridiculous that a child call all adults Aunt/Uncle.
But for GM to be reprimanding a child in front of her mother who doesnot even wish it is awful.
If your husband has grown up in UK, he must know that it's not a usual thing?

OP: do you our your DH have siblings? If so what does DD call them and their spouses if any? I had neither uncle nor aunt so being taught to call some of my DPs' friends Uncle or Auntie did not strike me as odd - but I think it would have done if I had had the real thing.

What does your husband think? And if culture is determined by where you live then I guess you would all adopt Aunty and uncle if you live outside the UK then?

Breathe/Diddl that's sort of it. I don't want to bring DD up to simply respect people for being older, no matter how they are like in the rest of their lives.

Andrew - yes DH has a sister and brother in law. They have special names from their culture and wouldn't want to be know as Aunt and Uncle.

Takingthemickey - part of the point is that this impacts on the adults who are being addressed as 'auntie' and 'uncle'. They probably don't want to be called auntie or uncle as they are probably part of the mainstream UK culture where that is odd.

wilson it's not the husband's call to make. His opinion is not worth more than the OPS!

If it something he feels strongly about then he and the OP have to hash out some sort of compromise but the mils opinion is of no consequence.

Given that mil chose to raise her son in the UK she is the one who should adapt to the culture she chose to live in.

Taking culture out of it for a minute, can you imagine any other thread where the OP says the mil is over ruling the mother's wishes - the mil would be handed her arse on a plate.

OP I live in a different culture from the one in which I grew up. And I know what you mean by- oh you have to respect my culture. But there's NEVER the reciprocal. Very irritating.

It sounds like you have a MIL who expects to be the boss around your children and expects you to defer to her. Clearly you are not going to be ok with this, so you are going to have many clashes with her.

If it's possible- a really open conversation with her along the lines of "you know in my culture we do x, that's different from yours isn't it. Isn't that interesting. Let's agree on how it's going to work"
Maybe that's a stretch, I don't know. But I don't envy you.
Culture clash can be really tricky.

Louise I meant it's the husband's call to make if this convention is culturally important - the MIL thinks it is, the OP thinks it isn't - what does he think? Is it a big thing, is it important? Or does only MIL care?

Tbh the MIL is always handed her arse on a plate on MN. I don't think it's a particular strength of the site, as a MIL-in waiting

My mil is from a different country to me and no way would I seek a consensus with her on how I choose to raise my dc. I think that if the parents have strong differing opinions then they both have to compromise, but hell would freeze over before I did this with the ils!

Sometimes I think you just have to tell some people to butt out or they will walk all over you and your whole life will be a battle.

Barbarian where have I inferred that I do not want DD to be polite to other people? This is very important to me.

Others have suggested that calling adults Auntie and Uncle is somehow respectful which to me is not something you automatically command by simply being older.

This is quite different from manners which I believe should always be used whether you are dealing with someone young or old.

Do you mind me asking how old you are? I am surprised you would find it rude for a child to call you by your christian name. What would you expect them to call you?

But wilson even if it is cultually important to the dh they are rausing their child here and the OP really doesn't like it.

I take your point about mils on mn though. I think it gappens because people post about problems rather than when everything is fine And also because a lot of mils seem to forget they've raised their kids and the dgc are actually not theirs to make decisions for.

I agree OP. I find it strange that someone finds it disrespectful to call anyone by their first name.

BarbarianMum: seeing as you think that's rude for small children to do that, when did you start calling people by their first names and who gave you permission to do that?

Did you decide? Or did your mum? Did they agree? Or do you still call them aunty?

I'm asking because I've never called anyone Aunty. But I'd feel particularly foolish doing it now I'm 50.

I'm giving my age because I'm betting that I might be a bit more old fashioned older than you. But maybe not.

My mum was quite keen on respect but an aunty refusnik and obviously older than me. Really quite old. But sadly still too young to die.

I wouldn't like total strangers or friends given the family title of a relative. For me, it implies a safety of a family relationship. Also vaguely disrespectful to them too, in a way. Its either their name or miss/ mrs/ ms x or mr x. They might not want to be considered a family member by the child.

My dc call my best friend by her first name. When children come over, I tell them my first name and introduce myself by my first name. I'm not an auntie! Im normally called ds mum or dd mum though.

My pils who are v old fashioned agree with me to my amazement as usually mil never misses an opportunity to argue. But she is too busy trying to get the dc to call her mummy, so she doesn't like to share:)

What does your partner think?

What a load of tosh. Auntie and Uncle are for yours/your dh's brother or sister and their partner. I have never heard of this before. I think you should have a realistic chat with your MIL and make it clear that you will be doing what is right for YOUR DD. What a confusing thing for a kid.

Thanks, culture clashes have been really tricky. I'm sure MIL thinks I'm a pain who won't have her DD's ears pierced or let her wear a gold chain (she's not even at school) but I really have tried to accommodate her wishes along the way.

I don't think its a big deal for DH as he doesn't ask DD to call our adult friends Auntie or Uncle IYSWIM. He is a little weak in front of his parents though.

I was brought up to call adults I knew well aunty and uncle, and I am continuing this with my DC as I like it (nice to know I am a relic from 100 years ago! ) - though it doesn't apply to every adult, just to a selection of known and trusted people who are very close family friends.

However, in spite of this I think it should be your choice, OP, as to how your DC address adults, just as it is my choice for mine. So YANBU in my book and I would be saying politely but firmly to your MIL that this isn't your tradition and you feel uncomfortable with it, and that she should not pull your DC up anymore for not doing it.

I wondered too why you didn't challenge her at the time she told your DC off re the waiter. Is that all part of the thing where you have to respect her and not disagree?

It's interesting Delphiniumsblue. Do you think calling people by their first names might be also be the point where you swear in front of your mum, and that's when you grow up?

For me, I always called my aunts and uncles by their first names, but I can't remember when I first swore in front of my parents. Probably in my early 20s.

It escalated from there.

I don't know when it started, but I know that by the time my mum died - a few months ago - on very special occasions we'd been calling those people who truly, deeply deserved it, utter fucking cunts, with no shame or embarrassment.

I miss her. She was a truly deeply utterly wonderful woman.

And she hated the word Aunty .

Everything - we were out for a family meal to celebrate the cultures new year on Monday so I didn't think it was the appropriate moment to bring it up.

This morning she was telling DD that the gardener would be at her house later in the day and referring to him as 'Uncle Gardener' which is when I tackled it and was told no, it was part of her culture.

Limited your mother sounded like an amazing woman! So sorry to hear of your loss.

For me, it implies a safety of a family relationship

For my mother too, lavenderhoney. I was reluctant to say that, though. But you're right. That was her view and I agree.

No one was entitled to claim a closer relationship than they were entitled and even if they were closely related, that didn't mean they were entitled to be close.

My dh is Asian. My kids do the same as pebbly 's and only refer to people within the cultural auntie group (not just Asian but some Arab friends as well) as auntie or uncle.

They call other grown ups by first name if invited to or Mr/Mrs.

In the example you have given what you did (from the perspective of the normal to be auntie group
) seems quite rude. I'm sure that was not your intention though. It's just that by instructing your daughter in that way is almost as if you are getting her to speak down to an adult.

My mum wouldn't see it (not from an auntie calling culture) but my MIL would be horrified.

If the uncle/auntie thing really annoys you maybe just "Dd say thank you" and leave it at that?

I think it is a benefit to have the knowledge of cultural nuances that are hard to explain.