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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to be a bit worried about my friend

72 replies

PollyCazaletWannabe · 15/04/2014 19:59

My friend has a DS aged 2 1/2 and a DD aged 3 months. We arranged to meet up last week since I am a teacher and am on holiday. I have no DCs so I arranged to go to her house which is 1 1/2 hours drive away. I repeatedly asked whether I could bring anything but she said no.

I went to her house with DP (also a teacher). She answered the door and let us in to a REALLY messy house. Toys all over the floor, cushions scattered about to the extent we had to pick our way in. Of course this was no problem and understandable due to her having two small DC but it was also quite dirty and my friend has always been very clean and tidy so it was a surprise. I took presents of flowers for her and toys for the DC.

Lunch was tinned chicken soup and one bread roll each. There wasnt enough soup to go round really- her little DS asked for more but there wasn't any :( There was fruit for pudding. No drinks except water. Bear in mind this friend is a keen cook, used to make her own bread and bake a lot. Of course this is bound to be different with two little DCs but I was surprised, if she had nothing in the house,that she didn't take me up on my offer of bringing something.

She has never been a loud person but it was a real struggle to make conversation and we only stayed 2 hours- our total travelling time was more than the time we spent there. I texted to say how nice it was to see her and she texted back agreeing, but said nothing about the presents I took. Again this is out of character.

My AIBU is, does all this sound normal or should I be worried that my friend has PND or similar? Never having had my own DCs, I'm not sure but it is niggling at me.

OP posts:
BuzzardBird · 15/04/2014 20:02

Is she single? Was bear a typo?

ApocalypseNowt · 15/04/2014 20:03

I don't have any experience of PND but it is a big change going from 1dc to 2. If the youngest is only 3mo she's probably still finding her feet. Could you try and arrange a time to meet when it's just you and your friend? She might feel more able to open up in that situation.

Original poster
PollyCazaletWannabe · 15/04/2014 20:04

No she has a DH but he was at work. He is a nice guy as far as I know but I don't know him very well.
Bear wasn't a typo! Why would it be?

OP posts:
Original poster
PollyCazaletWannabe · 15/04/2014 20:05

I wish I could but I don't drive and it's difficult to get to her house by public transport. But if I thought it would help, I would.

OP posts:
17leftfeet · 15/04/2014 20:06

It could be pnd or it could be the shock of going from one dc to two

What was her appearance like? Was she clean, hair brushed etc

Itsfab · 15/04/2014 20:07

When you don't have children NOTHING can prepare you for your world being turned upside down when baby two comes along. And I say this as a very experienced nanny.

A small person needs a lot of attention and everything else can just fall by the way side.

Original poster
PollyCazaletWannabe · 15/04/2014 20:08

Yes she was presentable and clean, so were the DCs.

OP posts:
WipsGlitter · 15/04/2014 20:09

It should be bare not bear.

But yes, possibly PND. two hours us a long time for a visit. Maintain contact. Are you close to her DH?

thegreylady · 15/04/2014 20:09

It does sound as though she is struggling a bit, it made pnd alarm bells ring for me. Why would anyone think 'bear' in that context was a typo? I am confused by that comment.

StealthPolarBear · 15/04/2014 20:10

"bear in mind"
No, it should be "bear"
OP is right

thegreylady · 15/04/2014 20:10

Of course it shouldn'tbe 'bare'!
Bare means naked!

Cookiepants · 15/04/2014 20:10

Sorry Wips but bear is right.

Original poster
PollyCazaletWannabe · 15/04/2014 20:10

Sorry but it shouldn't be bare! Bear is correct.

Sadly I barely (!) know her DH. I was thinking of contacting him but I have no means of doing so.

OP posts:
wolfwhistler · 15/04/2014 20:11

She may have felt unable to chat freely with your partner there, its always awkward to discuss stuff if him indoors is earwigging

maybe she is a bit pushed for money and far too proud to ask you to bring groceries otherwise you might be on MN telling all and sundry how you were invited to lunch and had to take your own!

StealthPolarBear · 15/04/2014 20:11

I is wun so I no

IneedAwittierNickname · 15/04/2014 20:12

I agree, could be pnd. Would you be able to meet away from the dc? To talk I mean.

(i thought it was bear)

Cookiepants · 15/04/2014 20:12

However to answer the OP in is possible your friend is struggling, keep offering you're support.

27onesies · 15/04/2014 20:12

I had PND after DS1 and not only did my house look the same, I felt no emotional connection to my baby (I always attended to his needs!) and I honestly would not be bothered with the way my house, me or anything else looked to other people. It could be PND but from my experience of it I also would have made up some lame excuse to avoid seeing you.

It is awful and I would call her when you have a chance and ask if everything is okay.

StealthPolarBear · 15/04/2014 20:13

Can you call her and talk to her in more detail?

thegreylady · 15/04/2014 20:13

'Bear' can be the animal or to carry something or to put up with it. You bear a load, or bear the brunt or bear in mind!
Making an error is always excusable but to correct someone who is right is a bit off.

StealthPolarBear · 15/04/2014 20:14

grr wot she said
glacier mint anyone?

RedandChecker · 15/04/2014 20:17

Keep in regular contact, maybe arrange a girls night out?
It's a shame you live so far away as you probably feel a bit helpless.
I have a 4 yo DS who will be 5 when my second DS arrives, even that scares me I cannot imagine how difficult it is to have two so young. Being pregnant for 18 months in the last 3 years and having two very small demanding children.
She looked presentable and so did the children which is a good sign. Did she seem to be coping with the DC ok whilst you were there?
I would imagine, like others have said she is just finding her feet with having two but keep in regular contact.

MeanwhileHighAboveTheField · 15/04/2014 20:18

"bear in mind" is correct "bare in mind" is certainly not!

PolkaSpottyDotty · 15/04/2014 20:18

The state of the house wouldn't worry me, no. I've seen a couple of ultra minimal friends relinquish their beautifully presented homes to their children :)

The food issue would make me wonder if all was OK. Was she expecting your DH?

I'd maintain regular contact, keep a good relationship and be there for her if / when she needs you.

PinkyHasNoEars · 15/04/2014 20:18

Do you feel comfortable bringing any of this up with her? Obviously I mean in a gentle way, and in a way which is appropriate to the relationship you have. By that I mean only if it sits well in your friendship - there are some friends with whom I could have that kind of conversation, and others I couldn't.

Do you have any mutual friends? Does she have a "best" friend?

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