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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU to be a bit worried about my friend

72 replies

PollyCazaletWannabe · 15/04/2014 19:59

My friend has a DS aged 2 1/2 and a DD aged 3 months. We arranged to meet up last week since I am a teacher and am on holiday. I have no DCs so I arranged to go to her house which is 1 1/2 hours drive away. I repeatedly asked whether I could bring anything but she said no.

I went to her house with DP (also a teacher). She answered the door and let us in to a REALLY messy house. Toys all over the floor, cushions scattered about to the extent we had to pick our way in. Of course this was no problem and understandable due to her having two small DC but it was also quite dirty and my friend has always been very clean and tidy so it was a surprise. I took presents of flowers for her and toys for the DC.

Lunch was tinned chicken soup and one bread roll each. There wasnt enough soup to go round really- her little DS asked for more but there wasn't any :( There was fruit for pudding. No drinks except water. Bear in mind this friend is a keen cook, used to make her own bread and bake a lot. Of course this is bound to be different with two little DCs but I was surprised, if she had nothing in the house,that she didn't take me up on my offer of bringing something.

She has never been a loud person but it was a real struggle to make conversation and we only stayed 2 hours- our total travelling time was more than the time we spent there. I texted to say how nice it was to see her and she texted back agreeing, but said nothing about the presents I took. Again this is out of character.

My AIBU is, does all this sound normal or should I be worried that my friend has PND or similar? Never having had my own DCs, I'm not sure but it is niggling at me.

OP posts:

mimishimmi · 16/04/2014 02:49

Sounds like PND. Apparently I was like a zombie for around 6 months starting at around the 3 month mark. House wasn't quite as terrible but food situation probably would have been similar. I took good care of DS and DD but everything was just going through the motions. I do wonder if my lack of emotional response during those months had something to do with DS developing severe speech problems...

moreyear · 16/04/2014 03:02

Sorry that last bit sounded curter than I intended.

I just mean having two young children can be so totally consuming that it takes all your energy to get them through the day loved and nurtured. Your head is so full of all you have to do that it has no room left to think of anything else.

There is little enough left to met your own needs let alone those of other peoples. It doesn't mean they aren't important still - just that there isn't time for them at the moment. One day there will be.

Lj8893 · 16/04/2014 04:16

I think your best option is to just remain in close contact with your friend and be there to help her if/when she needs it.
It could be pnd or it could be,as others have said, the transition from 1 to 2 dc!
3 month olds can be hugely unpredictable too. I was coping really well with my dd until around the 3 month mark where she changed almost overnight and became very needy and I couldn't get anything done (and that's just with 1 child!).

Also, I am eagerly awaiting the return from buzzard or wips

Bearbehind · 16/04/2014 07:24

As others have said, it sounds like she's having a tough time and the best thing you could do it just keep your eye on her and try and see her when you can.

I'm a bit if you really did travel over an hour to get to her house and turned up empty handed though.

If I had guests coming and they asked if they could bring something I'd say no as I wouldn't 'need' anything ie I wouldn't invite someone for lunch and expect them to bring it.

Likewise I wouldn't dream of going for lunch at someone's house and not taking something- bottle of wine, cakes, chocolates etc.

thatstoast · 16/04/2014 07:57

I would give her the benefit of the doubt when it comes to the house being messy and the supposed lack of soup!

The concern to me is that you struggled to make conversation. Do you mean it was awkward for both of you? Or did she seem to have trouble keeping up with the conversation, uninterested, slow to respond etc?

I wouldn't do anything at the moment as she has her husband to support her. Just keep in touch as you normally would and see how it goes.

Original poster

PollyCazaletWannabe · 16/04/2014 08:00

Oh dear :( it looks as though the consensus is that I should have turned up with something edible, rather than flowers and toys. I stand corrected. As many posters have advised, I plan to stay in regular contact with my friend and go and visit again (taking food this time!) ASAP. Thanks everyone :)

OP posts:

Squeegle · 16/04/2014 08:01

But she didn't turn up empty handed bear, read the OP

Squeegle · 16/04/2014 08:03

OP, don't worry at all, toys for the kids and flowers is fine! I would have been delighted! Sounds like you just want to keep in touch, and see how she is in a week or so. Mind you, as someone up thread said, your instinct is probably the thing to go on more than anything.

KirstyJC · 16/04/2014 08:05

Why don't you just call her, rather than agonise over what may or may not be going on? If she is a close friend then just call her to chat, say you enjoyed catching up with her and didn't realise how hard work it is with 2 little ones - and is she managing it OK? That you are happy to help lend her a hand if she needs you? You'd love to take the older one out for a trip to the park when the weather picks up etc etc

Even if she does need help and doesn't want to ask, she will know you are there for her. And if she is fine and doesn't need help, she shouldn't take offence at a friend asking.

BelleateSebastian · 16/04/2014 08:20

I agree with whoever said just ask her! if shes a good friend it should be easy enough 'Are you okay? you didnt seem yourself the other day'

And where are wips and buzzard? frantically name changing I reckon!

RedFocus · 16/04/2014 08:23

Op the flowers and toys were fine forget that.
I am leaning towards checking with the friend who is closer to your other friend. They might have noticed something or know something and then you can go from there.
If it's playing on your mind this much then it's probably best not to ignore it and I doubt you could anyway because it seems like you care for your friends a lot. I hope you get to the bottom of it and she's just super tired op. Good luck.

softlysoftly · 16/04/2014 08:30

Just ask her. My 2 are 4 and 1 now (and pg) and my house it toy trip hazard central.

The food is odd for a guest but fruit for pudding is what my kids get they don't need sweet stuff.

Just no telling if it's the adjustment to kids or anything else from that 1 visit.

Bearbehind · 16/04/2014 08:47

Sorry- I got so distracted with all the 'bear' and 'bare' talk I missed the bit about the gifts! I focused on the bit where you said you thought it was rude to take something when she'd said you didn't need to.

I probably would have taken something edible but don't think there was anything wrong with what you did take, given you said she was a keen cook. Anything edible I'd have taken would have been shop bought!

CSIJanner · 16/04/2014 08:53

If you turn up with something edible, dress it up as a hamper type thing just in case, especially as she told you not to bring anything. Pay special attention to if the DC have allergies, eg if she's BF and baby is lactose intolerant. It's the little attention to detail.

You could also take raw ingredients so that you could get her 2.5yo to don an apron and help cook as well. Keeps the eldest occupied, gives her a bit of a break from having tow and takes away from her having to cook and entertain maybe?

Original poster

PollyCazaletWannabe · 16/04/2014 09:29

No problem bear (or should that be bare... :) )
I like the idea of offering to cook with her DS, Janner, thanks! Might do that next time. There is also a park opposite her house where I could offer to take him for a bit.

OP posts:

Purpleroxy · 16/04/2014 09:44

I think that if you take something edible after she has said not to bring anything, it would be best to take a desert/cake etc rather than a main lasagne. It's just my personal opinion and many will disagree but flowers are not only useless but also a pita as you have to look after them. A well meaning relative bought my mum some flowers and my mum put them straight into the green waste as soon as relative had gone because at the time, she just had too much to do.

Other than that, her dc are at very difficult ages and with that age gap when the kids are so tiny, life can be a struggle. I would keep in touch, not necessarily assume pnd as I would not have liked to cater for any extra people when my dc were both small but I did not have pnd. I used to say to anyone coming, please come after lunch (or whatever) as it's too much work for me to get lunch for people when I have 2 demanding small dc. Nobody minded. Maybe go after lunch next time?

Trillions · 16/04/2014 10:09

I think you should trust your instincts. Agree with others though that it would have been better to take something edible and not go with your DP. I hate it when friends turn up with their partner in tow, it really inhibits talking about anything personal. If you need him to drive you, maybe he could find some way of amusing himself locally next time you visit so that you can have time on your own together. That way you could give her a bit of practical help around the house if she wants it and she can talk to you openly about how she's doing.

Thetallesttower · 16/04/2014 10:27

I think the biggest problem here is that you have to go with your DH accompanying you, which basically means you can't chat about anything personal plus she may have felt watched. Are you really going to conduct the whole friendship with him sat next to you? In that case, I think your chances of offering a listening ear or help are nil really.

Sorry, I get you don't drive, but you and her are friends, not him and you and her. I can't have the same interaction with friends with their husbands sat there, and although we do socialise as a couple, I do try to see my female friends by themselves at least as often as I see them as a couple, although this can be hard.

Do you chat on the telephone? Email?

I don't see anything that odd in her behaviour, she may have had no sleep for three months and felt a little observed by a couple sat on her sofa, so I can understand conversation wouldn't be as forthcoming.

This may right itself, I would not personally contact her husband, you are not that close a friend and it may come over to her interfering and conspiring against her, plus I'm sure her husband is well aware if she is struggling or depressed.

You sound like a lovely friend, sometimes it's not possible though for an occasional friend to solve another's life problems, just be there for her and call again soon, preferably on your own if you can manage it logistically.

Thetallesttower · 16/04/2014 10:31

I think offering to cook with her little one is all too much. You don't see her that often and took your husband along too- this is bound to inhibit things. You are not an everyday friend who sees her twice a week, and going into her home and doing cooking activities with her child is really stepping on her toes.

You need to listen to what she wants- if you create the right environment to do this, you will start to hear what works for her. If I was her, I wouldn't want people judging, or indeed taking my kids to the park or cleaning my house or cooking with my kids, this works for a friend down the road, but not someone calling every few months (and with husband in tow, can't believe you can't see how inhibiting this is).

The nicest thing you could do is turn up without him and have a proper cup of tea and a chat! Then it will become apparent if there are issues, or she's just tired and a bit overwhelmed.

It's really simple!

SueDoku · 16/04/2014 12:16

Hi Polly – I think that you said in a previous post that your partner is female and has children? (Apologies if I’ve got confused)..! So all the people saying that your friend would find it easier to chat if your DP wasn’t there – because they have assumed she is a man – are maybe off the mark..? Has your DP said what her thoughts are about your friend (who I presume that she had met before?)

I would agree with you that the change is so great as to be worrying (I’ve got two DC and remember what it was like, but I never got to the stage where I only had one tin of soup in the house to offer guests – when I knew that they were coming) and I would want to keep a close eye on your friend over the next 3 months or so, as I also had a friend who had severe PND and was ill for three years – so should this be the case, your help might be needed sooner rather than later.

If you could offer to visit when your friend’s DH is there, you might get a different perspective on things – and it might also enable him to speak to you if he is worried...?

ThePriory · 16/04/2014 12:36

Yes, she sounds like she could possible have PND, so the best thing you can do is stay in touch on the phone, show your conern fro her emotional wellbeing "You seemed quiet when I came round" that sort of thing.
Can everyone stop saying 'bear' !

monkeymamma · 16/04/2014 13:28

I can't really tell from your op whether your friend has PND symptoms, best thing is to be there for her, try and find out more etc.

But the lunch thing reminded me of 1st visit from my two single (childfree) friends when my ds was 1month. It literally hadn't crossed my mind that they'd expect lunch. We had loads of baked goodies that my mum had made ahead of time for post baby guests. But as it dawned on dh and I (baby addled brains) that they'd expect a meal (it was early midday, they'd travelled 40mins on train to get to us) we hastily supplemented with posh bread, cheese and fruit. The look on my dfriend's face was as though is done a turd on a plate and passed it to her :-s they were used to us pulling out all the stops. I'm sure you weren't like that at all op! Just trying to demonstrate just how much things can change for new parents.

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