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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to be a bit worried about my friend

72 replies

PollyCazaletWannabe · 15/04/2014 19:59

My friend has a DS aged 2 1/2 and a DD aged 3 months. We arranged to meet up last week since I am a teacher and am on holiday. I have no DCs so I arranged to go to her house which is 1 1/2 hours drive away. I repeatedly asked whether I could bring anything but she said no.

I went to her house with DP (also a teacher). She answered the door and let us in to a REALLY messy house. Toys all over the floor, cushions scattered about to the extent we had to pick our way in. Of course this was no problem and understandable due to her having two small DC but it was also quite dirty and my friend has always been very clean and tidy so it was a surprise. I took presents of flowers for her and toys for the DC.

Lunch was tinned chicken soup and one bread roll each. There wasnt enough soup to go round really- her little DS asked for more but there wasn't any :( There was fruit for pudding. No drinks except water. Bear in mind this friend is a keen cook, used to make her own bread and bake a lot. Of course this is bound to be different with two little DCs but I was surprised, if she had nothing in the house,that she didn't take me up on my offer of bringing something.

She has never been a loud person but it was a real struggle to make conversation and we only stayed 2 hours- our total travelling time was more than the time we spent there. I texted to say how nice it was to see her and she texted back agreeing, but said nothing about the presents I took. Again this is out of character.

My AIBU is, does all this sound normal or should I be worried that my friend has PND or similar? Never having had my own DCs, I'm not sure but it is niggling at me.

OP posts:
MeanwhileHighAboveTheField · 15/04/2014 20:18

oops got there a bit late Grin

Original poster
PollyCazaletWannabe · 15/04/2014 20:19

I love that the bear/bare debate is getting almost as many responses as my original question Grin

The problem is as I don't drive, DP always takes me. She is female and has had DC, if that makes a difference.

My friend is not good at opening up at the best of times tbh. The only way I can think of to get her to talk is to go out for dinner and drinks, but that wouldn't be possible unless I stayed over and that obviously wouldn't be convenient for her. I thought of asking her to come and stay with the DC but I just think it would be too much hassle for her.

I wish I lived nearer :(

OP posts:
pertempsnooo · 15/04/2014 20:20

Did she forget you were coming?
Could she be having relationship problems she hasn't told you about?

weatherall · 15/04/2014 20:22

If I was visiting someone who is stuck in all day with a very young baby and a toddler I'd take something to put in the oven like a lasagne, some kind of cake/dessert and a bottle of wine, maybe a schlor if she's still breastfeeding.

Even if you don't have them that day it will make the next day easier for her.

Turning up and expecting to be fed by someone who's doing an exhausting job is unrealistic. You would show up at someone's office and expect them to run around after you, would you?

But I don't think you have been intentionally thoughtless- you just don't know what it's like for her.

Maybe next time offer to meet in a soft play so the toddler can go and play and she won't have to worry about being judged for having cushions and toys on her floor.

Btw I worry about houses with kids who DONT have toys etc on the floor- then it looks like the children aren't having much of a fun childhood.

StealthPolarBear · 15/04/2014 20:23

no chance you could go and stay nearby?
Help her look after the kids for a day (or take the older one out on your own) and then leave them with her DH and take her out.
That said if her DD is on;y 3 months I personally wouldn't have wanted to be out when she was that young. Maybe sugessst it for a few months tme, and low key, close to home

Original poster
PollyCazaletWannabe · 15/04/2014 20:23

She def knew we were both coming, we were in regular contact beforehand.

OP posts:
StealthPolarBear · 15/04/2014 20:24

weatherall, I think that's a bit unfair. The OP has not been judgey, just concerned that her friend wasn't quite her normal self.
I thought the same as you - if she tries to bring it up she will have to be very careful. But I do think if she'd gone and the house was a mess and the friend said "I've got no food in, off to the shops with you" with a big smile on her face, the OP would have been happy. It's her friend she's worried about

StealthPolarBear · 15/04/2014 20:25

"make sure you get some of those pom bare crisps for my toddler!

Original poster
PollyCazaletWannabe · 15/04/2014 20:27

weatherall that is a strange post! I'm not judging, just asking whether I should be worried or not! And I offered to take stuff! I have done so before for other friends- I'm not completely lacking in empathy... Hmm
Are you saying I shouldn't have asked, or that I should have ignored the fact that she said no and taken stuff anyway? Both seem rude IMO.

OP posts:
twowasthemagicnumber · 15/04/2014 20:30

I can see two ways to look at this. The first is that, as you are concerned about, she is struggling and has PND.

However the second is that she is knackered with young (non-sleeping?) children (hence lack of energy / conversation), run off her feet all day, and took the sensible course of action to provide a minimal effort lunch and not worry about tidying the house. I really wish I'd been able to be a bit more like this when mine were teeny - on numerous occasions I ran myself ragged cooking and cleaning for guests and putting on a "show" to the detriment of time with my babies and my own stress levels.

Without seeing more of her it will be hard for you to know if she's sad, or just being sensible.

BelleateSebastian · 15/04/2014 20:33

Oh god, I'm cringing for the poster who why would anyone do that? pointed out the error, that wasnt an error! lol

Original poster
PollyCazaletWannabe · 15/04/2014 20:37

Thank you Stealth - I wouldn't have cared if she had given me a list of jobs to do- in fact, I did do the washing up (not only from lunch but other stuff that was dirty). I have happily taken an entire lunch round (deliberately buying too much so that she would have a well stocked fridge) for a friend with a new baby before. It was the fact that she wasn't herself that made me worried.

OP posts:
Original poster
PollyCazaletWannabe · 15/04/2014 20:42

two thank you- I hope you're right and the second scenario is the case.

OP posts:
Original poster
PollyCazaletWannabe · 15/04/2014 21:26

Ok so based on the kind advice on this thread, should I
A) contact her DH and ask if she is ok
B) talk to another friend who is closer to her than me
C) offer to stay nearby and help with DCs
D) ring her and chat
or all/some of above?

OP posts:
LindyHemming · 15/04/2014 21:45

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

RedandChecker · 15/04/2014 21:46

Personally I would do E) Leave it, stay in regular contact. How are you? How are the kids? Hows DH? How is it with two is it much different? let me know if you need anything?
Just because I'm trying to imagine if i was your friend with two small ones just finding my feed with it all and another friend who you have said isn't as close to her as others rang my DH, or spoke to a closer friend about me or rang me to 'chat' about it. I think i'd be offended, tbh. She's not baking or clearing up the toys every five minutes because she is tired and litterally has no spare time.

SlimJiminy · 15/04/2014 21:51

I think you should just keep in touch as you would normally. I'd also make sure that future visits either happen in the morning or in the afternoon so there's no need for her to feed you. I know you said you've taken lunch, etc to new mum friends before, but she might not want to accept a similar offer - feels like a charity/in need or something? She won't have time for bread baking or any of her indulgent cooking-for-pleasure time. She'll be the duck that's paddling furiously under the water while attempting to appear appearing calm on the surface.

P.S. For those who aren't clear... bear / bare = www.turnerink.co.uk/grammar-tips/bare-or-bear/

AveryJessup · 15/04/2014 21:57

I think you're getting the wrong end of the stick. Having 2 people over for lunch and having them stay for 2 hours is quite an effort when you have a baby and a toddler. Even my 2.5 year old keeps me busy enough that my house doesn't look immaculate all the time - and I have a cleaner who comes twice a month! With a 3 month old too it would be much messier. You just don't get a break when you have two children with a small age gap.

She may have forgotten when exactly you were coming, she may not have expected your partner as well, she may just have had 'one of those mornings' where the toddler is melting down, the baby is cranky and she forgot to do a pile of laundry last night so is rushing around in a panic trying to find a clean vest for the baby, or whatever.

Even if she was a keen baker in the past, expecting her to keep that up now with a baby and toddler is unrealistic on your behalf. Sounds like she she doesn't get much help either, just her on her own, which is a lot. She probably could in theory have made a bigger effort for you but it's not the end of the world. I wouldn't worry. Give it a few months and she'll be past the terrible-twos-plus-newborn chaos and probably have things better under control.

SavoyCabbage · 15/04/2014 22:10

I would pop back over at half term if you can. I think you are right to worry about her as you are her friend and you know her and you bare care about her.

She might be struggling with the pressure of little dc, but you can support her by just being her friend.

Original poster
PollyCazaletWannabe · 15/04/2014 22:41

Avery it's not that I am expecting her to be baking etc, just the massive difference between what she used to be like and how she was last week.

OP posts:
Original poster
PollyCazaletWannabe · 15/04/2014 22:41

I'm already planning to pop back at half term :) thanks

OP posts:
VelmaD · 15/04/2014 22:45

Did she know you were bringing dp? Could the food be stretched because there was an extra adult she forgot about? Could she maybe have been wanting you alone to talk to properly?

MrsGeneKelly · 16/04/2014 02:08

I don't think you should call her dp, but do E., as RedandChecker mentioned up above.

Layl77 · 16/04/2014 02:26

You could have wrote this post about me and I most certainly don't have PND just two young kids! Don't overly worry its hard to entertain them - the baby might have been feeding all morning but she feels uncomfortable talking about it with your OH?
The house should look a mess with young kids! Stay in contact but don't worry

moreyear · 16/04/2014 02:39

You know your friend better than I do. Do you think she has PND? You are best guided by your instincts.

However to me nothing you have said sounds like anything more than a mother making the transition from 1 to 2 children. I used to be a brilliant cook - I cooked and baked all the time. Everyone wanted to come to my house for a meal.

Now I have two children only 18 months apart I do not cook like that. My mother came to stay and loudly proclaimed the absence of gourmet meals. I wanted to punch her. Somedays my house looks like a bomb has exploded in it. If people called over they would be horrified - but that is a snapshot of one point not our whole life.

I think you are expecting to much from her. Nothing prepares you for the transition to two children. It's early days - in a years time she may more closely resemble the childless friend you knew.

Two hours is a very long time to stay if there were two of you and the baby is only 3 months old. And having had children I would never ask a mother with a baby what I should bring - I would just take a couple of meals with me.