To not invite my family to DS's Christening.

[Writerwannabe83]

Me and DH have a 3 week old baby and the subject of getting him Christened was raised a lot during the pregnancy. My DH is eager to get it done whereas I'm not. Neither me or DH are remotely religious and he only wants it done to open up schooling options. Although he did once say his parents would be disappointed if we didn't Christen DS.

After numerous discussions I have said that seeing as DH is so adamant then he can get DS Christened. I actually googled whether both parents need to be there because the whole farce of it does not appeal to me at all. Unfortunately I would have to be present.

All of my family are non-religious. When I told my mom we were getting DS Christened she pulled a face and said, "You don't expect me to be there do you?" I absolutely don't and told her this. I said I wouldn't be going if I had a choice.

To be honest none of my family would be interested - I'd be embarrassed at making them sit through it - so I've told my DH I probably won't even invite them.

DH was not too impressed.

But seriously, I'm not religious and don't believe in the Ceremony and nor do my family so what's the issue if they're not there?

As far as I'm concerned it can just be me through force, DH, his parents and the people he wants as Godparents. I've said there's no way we're making a big song and dance about it. Definitely no gifts or after party

I'm cringing at just the thought of it all....

fideline - it didn't say practising Christians. It just said the parents would have to provide proof of Baptism and that they belong to a recognised church. Maybe the term 'belongs to' does mean the family have yo be regular visitors though, I don't know.

I have spoken to my friend about her DD's Christening and she said the a church was very laid back and neither she or her DH had to attend church. However, she is getting her DS Christened at a different church and they have been requested to attend church and they've had home visits from the Vicar (or Priest, whoever does it). She said different churches have different 'rules' and we'd have to speak to our local church about what they require of the parents.

mooncup - are Christenings group events then?? I thought we just hired the Church for a private Christening, not that random people would also be there??

He seemed to relent a little bit tonight actually. The more I talk to him about it I think the more he realises how uncomfortable I am with it.

Maybe the term 'belongs to' does mean the family have yo be regular visitors though

I think it might. Worth checking anyhow. The 'full' (detailled) admissions policy should be available and that is where you will find the definitions and detail about how you prove it.

I went to primary and secondary catholic schools and was baptised, confessed, communioned, confirmed etc. we frequently got put in a room with an old man and had to 'confess our sins', were dressed up as little brides of Christ to eat what they truly believe is the actual flesh of Jesus, and had to to go mass in school hours.
We had to pray out loud at the start and end of each class (in secondary school-9 classes per day), one teacher often wittered on about someone who particularly needed our prayers, eating up 20 minutes of a 35 minute class.
Sex education was a brief 'once married, the man puts his penis in the vagina to make a baby' (contraception not allowed. Tampons frowned apon, abortion abhorrent) no questions allowed about 'isn't this all a bit weird?'-no, that's a sin.
I could go on, but it was a very unpleasant experience and I'm now a stanch atheist. This was 1997-2002, so not the 1950s or anything. Some catholic schools might be a bit more relaxed, but the same ethos will exist.
Good luck in your choices for your baby!

evenbetter - The schools website did say that its teachings will be in line with the Catholic Ethos. I told my husband I would be worried about the faith and it's beliefs being forced upon our DS and he replied that ok, our DS would have yo attend Mass and probably have to say some prayers but "He can just do it, he doesn't have to believe any of it!"

I'm a lot like you writer I don't understand people who want religious ceremonies when they are not religious, I couldn't be so hypocritical. DH's parents muttered about their gc not being christened but I ignored them and DH isn't religious either so didn't even think about it. I couldn't even send them to a church primary school as it goes against my principles. (Secondary school fine, if they choose to go there as they can make their own decisions at that age, we have a good choice of schools luckily)

My friends husband wanted to get their sons christened despite him not being religious. She said fine, but he had to organise the whole thing, she wasn't having anything to do with it. They are teenagers now and were never christened!

I must say writer you are being a hell of a lot more patient and reasonable with your DH than I would be with mine if he wanted us to put our baby through a membership ceremony for a religion neither of us had much connection with.

No, christenings are not private; they are usually held as part of the normal Sunday morning service as the entire point of a christening is to welcome a child into their new wider family: the church and its congregation.

The person that has been the most understanding of me not getting my youngest three baptised is my mother, the only practising Christian in my family! My dad was brought up Catholic and worries about unbaptised children being in Limbo. My sister thinks I should because the eldest three were (I had faith then, I am now atheist) and H;s mother thinks they should because they are catholic and you just do it without question.

Mum understands that I refuse to be a hypocrite and say words I dont mean in front of people who do believe it. Who believe that they are supporting me to bring up my child in the faith. She even had "words" with her friend at church about it, friend was pushing mum to push me to get them "done" and mum said that I had my reasons, mum supported me and to not mention it again.

YANBU and I would say a flat no to your DH. If you refuse to join in then he cant do it.

Like I said in my previous post, a CofE Christening is usually done as part of a normal Sunday morning service. You are welcoming the child and the family into the life and faith of the church.

Schools do check. The priest keeps records.
I can understand why he wants to do it. I can understand why you don't.
Fwiw, in your position I would probably go along with it as being a nice day for them. Sorry if that's disrespectful to anyone, bautif you don't believe then maybe it doesn't matter. Just look upon it a a "family tradition" thing
That is, unless you feel that your dh (and his family) has form for overruling you or undermining your opinions or practices with your baby already. I've followed your other threads, and I think you're doing great.
I would like to offer you a and a hug because it sounds exhausting.

My DH was sent to a Catholic school. It was definitely a large contributor to his leaving the church entirely when his Dad died. My Mum went to a convent school, despite being CofE - again, gave her a very cynical view of Catholics and she wasn't happy I was going to marry one, even though he was lapsed.

This is the sort of thing that really grates on me! If neither of you are even remotely religious why send your child to a faith school anyway? Hardly seems fair that a child who has been brought up in a Christian family could miss out on a place at the school to others who find the whole thing 'cringeworthy'.

Also most churches wont allow you to simply book a christening without attending churches and/or classes for a number of weeks prior.

Thanks everyone - and amanda it is exhausting!

Although I definitely think I'm getting through to DH. I told him last night about some Churches requiring regular attendance before allowing the Christening to take place and his face dropped a little. I told him he'd have to take DS as I certainly wasn't going to and he wasn't impressed. He plays football at the weekends and there's no way he'd sacrifice that to go to Church. I think he's starting to realise mow that there's much more to it than just walking into a Church and having it done. Plus, I have a feeling that if the organisation and commitment is left to him he will conveniently change his mind about it needing to be done.....

"I don't even know what Confirmation and Communion is in order to even answer your question. I have no idea about the differences between Catholicism and CofE or the differences in their beliefs and practices."
I'm actually a bit at the level of knowledge of religion displayed by you and your DH Writer; I'm atheist, but I regard basic knowledge of the Christian church to just be background information, like what side of the road you drive on and phases of the moon. History of England, as it were (particularly the difference between Catholicism and the C of E). For your DH to be so keen on imposing a religion he doesn't share onto a three week old baby while not even googling school entrance requirements knowing so, so little about it - shocking. For someone who works at a Catholic school that's surprising.

whereuoulefiy - why should I have an understanding about something I'm against? Why would I spend my time learning about religion when it isn't something I'm interested in or agree with? You are entitled to your opinion and I'm sorry my "lack of knowledge shocks you" but implying I'm stupid or ignorant because I'm not aware of different religious ceremonies or the background of certain religions is a little bit nasty and uncalled for really.

Writer, I haven't spent any time 'learning' about religion. It's imbedded in the culture that surrounds us. The TV is full of historical dramas covering the Tudor era, so even without being English (I'm a Scot - totally different thing up there) I have this as background knowledge. It would have taken considerable effort on my part to not know about it. You've attended a Christening, that must have informed you of something surely?

I am not implying you are stupid or ignorant, and I'm sorry that's how you have taken it. I am saying that given you have such strong views against religion - which implies you have thought about the religion you are against - that some of the things you are coming out with on this thread are surprising.

What have I 'come out with' that surprises you?

writer fwiw, I didn't read whereyouleftit's post as implying you were stupid.
I guess it is surprising to hear that someone declares they have absolutely no knowledge about the differences between Catholicism and c/e,especially if they declare themselves to have strong feelings against it. It seems contradictory to say that one holds powerful views against something they don't know about IYSWIM
I'm surprised your dh knows so little about school entry given he works at a r/c school.
Good luck with it all. Maybe just have them all leave you alone for a bit to enjoy your baby.

Maybe I'm just being over sensitive because I'm sleep deprived and dehydrated Sorry if I came across as argumentative whereyouleftit

I think if you have strong views against religion then your DH, conspiring he doesn't actually want to go to church, should be the one to cave on this tbh.
If you actually aren't bothered, maybe it would be a nice family event.

Queenie I think its far more morally wrong for the religious schools to take public money but only let their own in.

FWIW my local church doesn't require you attend to have a christening. It is also done privately after the normal service (though you may share the spot with another family).

In Plymouth there are a lot of shit secondary schools, a few grammars and a few faith schools. If you can't get into the grammar, it really makes a difference if you can get into the faith schools. They have an admission policy of catholic, other Christian, other faith and then anyone else. DB had to get a note saying he attended church when he went donkeys ago but that was only for a few months.

Spoke to DH about it again earlier who said the plan is to have DS Christened as a baby and then when he hits the ages of 9/10 he will take him to Church "every now and then" in preparation for the school application process

I think DH sees a Christening as just being a means to an end.

Writer, you might want to clarify the CofE vs Catholic thing with your DH. You have said he wants a CofE christening (which is probably easier for complete non-churchgoers to obtain I think) BUT he is planning to send DC to a catholic school. A catholic school will NOT view a CofE christening as equivalent to a catholic one.

Also, in response to a comment you made a while back: baptism and christening are the same thing. It is a ceremony where the parents make promises regarding their own faith and their intentions for the child, and where the child is welcomed into the church. I suggest you google the exact wording ("liturgy") used in the service.