To not invite my family to DS's Christening.

[Writerwannabe83]

Me and DH have a 3 week old baby and the subject of getting him Christened was raised a lot during the pregnancy. My DH is eager to get it done whereas I'm not. Neither me or DH are remotely religious and he only wants it done to open up schooling options. Although he did once say his parents would be disappointed if we didn't Christen DS.

After numerous discussions I have said that seeing as DH is so adamant then he can get DS Christened. I actually googled whether both parents need to be there because the whole farce of it does not appeal to me at all. Unfortunately I would have to be present.

All of my family are non-religious. When I told my mom we were getting DS Christened she pulled a face and said, "You don't expect me to be there do you?" I absolutely don't and told her this. I said I wouldn't be going if I had a choice.

To be honest none of my family would be interested - I'd be embarrassed at making them sit through it - so I've told my DH I probably won't even invite them.

DH was not too impressed.

But seriously, I'm not religious and don't believe in the Ceremony and nor do my family so what's the issue if they're not there?

As far as I'm concerned it can just be me through force, DH, his parents and the people he wants as Godparents. I've said there's no way we're making a big song and dance about it. Definitely no gifts or after party

I'm cringing at just the thought of it all....

Thanks everyone,

I also said to my DH that I thought Christian schools couldn't discrminatte on faith, I.e they took anyone, but it is a catholic primary school my husband has his eye on. My DH is a teacher in a Secondary Catholic School and also wants our child to attend the school he works at when the time comes. The only time DH is in a Church is when he has to attend Mass with the pupils.

I will tell him to actually look into the school admission criteria then because he hasn't mentioned anything to me about regular church attendance as being necessary - he nay not know this.

Part of me does wonder if it's more about his patents - although his parents aren't religious either. The only reason they christened their children (my DH and his brother) was also for school entry...

I was very keen to have dd baptised and dh wasn't. The vicar, at the beginning of the service, said "This child is brought by her mother with the consent of her father" which was lovely. It was Mother's Day and I was given a beautiful bunch of daffodils from the Sunday School. My dh's opinion was that I wanted it and it did no harm so out of love he went along with it. He was a lifelong atheist and had a Humanist funeral.

Okay - Catholic is a game changer. Here where I am, do need to be baptized for admission into a catholic primary. There are some exceptions - vulnerable children etc which will be cited non the schools entry policy. I get the impression that maybe your DH's job might be influencing his decision, however that's just me projecting how my local schools and internal politics are. How about talking to the priest about your concerns? If you have a stickler though, he may refuse to baptize due to your reservations. FYI, you or your DH will also have to attend baptismal classes.

catholic is a game changer for sure. kids need to be christened and also, this is biggy...attend regularly!!! does he know this? your kids wont get in unless they attend weekly, certainly not in our catholic school.

You will both need to attend classes before it can happen anyway.

You will probably have to continue going to church for school entry.
Our faith schools know damn well some parents suddenly rock up at church as scho application forms are being filled out.

Pre-Christening classes and regular church attendance.....
....I don't think my DH had thought this through very well.

Is the ceremony different for the Christian faith and the Catholic faith? I don't even know?

There's no way my DH would give up his Sunday Morning football to attend church.....

do you think that it's also partly his parents and your DH want to formally introduce your DS to the family? In which case, a naming ceremony and a party (even just tea and cakes back at your house) would be enough to do that, would you be happy with that? Most good faith schools will want more than just a Christening. It's one of the criteria, but DS has just applied for schools and the faith school near here the top criteria is "at the heart of the church" which is defined as going "at least once a week" and being involved in the Chruch (so volunteering) - we ticked the next down box because we go "at least once a fortnight" and I take DC to a toddler group once a week there. Just getting your DS christening then never going again isn't going to get you into an oversubscribed school.

If you are going to do it, I actually would have the party/gathering afterwards, because it's events like this, weddings, funerals, christenings, that bring extended family around a child, for me, the nicest part of both DC's Christening wasn't actually the Christening, but them being handed around great Aunts who live at the other end of the country but came for the Christening. At DD's (in March) we kept saying "we really should get everyone together in the family" and the same was said at DS's Christening 4 years earlier, in the meantime the only event where everyone got together in my family was at my Nan's funeral.

CofE if you live in the parish, they'll baptise your baby even if you don't go regularly, probably in the main service, not separately.

Where I am church attendance isn't necessary as long as the child is baptized Catholic. We didn't have to attend any classes prior to our dd being baptized but my now exdh is Catholic and was confirmed and we were married in the same church. We did however have to change plans over god parents as one also had to be a confirmed Catholic.

oh and if you do go ahead with the christening, invite your family, just say you don't mind if they don't come/only want to come to the party afterwards, it's nice to be invited at least.

In our area to get an RC christening you have to attend quite a few classes prior to the baptism and I'm fairly sure the schools require a reference from the priest which is only given if you attend regularly. I think your DH sounds awful with regard to his view on christenings, you have to both make promises in church and to say them without meaning them is wrong.
Have a naming ceremony and a party but don't make a mockery of other people's faith.

My word writer, your husband leaves me speechless. I would feel terrible if I thought any baptism families at my church came with this mind set. There are serious promises to be made at baptism....notice the word baptism because that's what it is! What he wants is morally repugnant. We welcome all at my church, those of much faith to those of very little, but we do expect people to be honest.

Where we live almost all CofE AND catholic schools are selective and you stand no chance of getting in generally unless you attend church regularly. The local catholic primary is particularly brutal and my old childminder had a child already at the (primary) school and two having gone there and left went to mass 3/4 weeks and was turned down for a place for her last child because they weren;t at mass every week.

They got in on appeal because she could show that the fourth week she was doing respite care for one of her autistic mindees.

Christening isn;t enough for any of the religious schools around here.

overthebliddyhill - I completely agree. A few months ago I started a thread to ask people why they got their child Christened and unfortunately not many of the responses were because they actually believed in the faith. I think it's quite common now wrongly so for such Ceremonies to be done 'just because' or for education reasons.

I just spoke to my DH and he seems to think that after a Catholic Baptism DS will gain automatic entry to the Primary/Middle school because he himself attended almost 30 years ago.... I told him he was being delusional. I told him about the need for regular church attendance and his response was, "As if the schools actually check that!"

He pulled a bit of a face when I mentioned Pre-Baptism classes...

He admitted at the end of the conversation that he needed to look into it more thoroughly. I told him that bring Christened/Baptised is a huge thing and if the only reason he wants to do it is for schooling reasons then he needs to realise that there's a lot more commitment needed than DS just being part of a Ceremony.

This is the admissions criteria for our local catholic school

"St. Elizabeth’s is a Catholic School, and first priority will be given to Baptised and practising Catholic children from practising Catholic families worshipping in the Parishes of XYZ

1a) Practising regularly
1b) Practising occasionally.

1. Baptised and practising Catholic children from practising Catholic Families in other Parishes, as

verified by the Priest’s declaration. 2a) Practising regularly 2b) Practising occasionally.

1. Baptised Catholic children unable to obtain a priest’s declaration confirming regular or

occasional practice.

1. Baptised children from Christian denominations, as verified by a minister on the Supplementary

Information Form.

1. Others seeking a place in a Catholic school.

Verification of Information
The following verification will be needed before admission:

For Verification Evidence Date

1. Baptism Baptism Certificate (Stamped with the Parish Seal)
2. Practising Catholics / Christians Supplementary Information and Priest’s Declaration Form (which parents hand to their Parish Priest, and the Priest returns to the school). By 15th January 2013
3. Date of Birth Birth Certificate On acceptance of the place

Your husband isn't very clever, for a teacher, is he?!

Yes, they do check, you have to have a form signed by the parish priest. For a local CofE school round here, you have to attend a specific church regularly as well, not just any old church, but one in the designated catchment.

Perhaps you need to have an honest chat about religion with your husband, he clearly doesn't mind working in a Catholic school (although you do not have to be a Catholic to do this).

That's really interesting kewcumber - was that off the school's website?

I will ask my DH which specific school he has his sights on and then try and find out what their admission criteria is.

I think the whole discussion about actual school admission criteria is beside the point, you are willing to stand in a church of a religion that you don't believe in and vow to a god that you don't believe in that you will bring your child up in that religion!

I respect the right of anybody to believe what they want, even if I think it is all bollocks, but no way would I pretend to share their beliefs and lie just because my child might then get to go to a school. I do not think it fair to those who do believe to use their religion in that way.

You do realise if your son goes to the school they will tell him the stuff you don't believe in is true and he will be expected to pray to the god you don't believe in?

Yes that is directly off the school website. As far as I'm aware the admission don't need to get past catholic children who regularly attend a local parish church as signed off by the preist.

I'm a bit "Meh" about pretending to beleive in order to get into a school myself. I wouldn;t do it but that because I'm devoutly humanistic and I can;t imagine the point at which I would have to explain to DS that I was lying all along. But if the faith schools are going to put in these rules then you have to expect that people are going to jump through whatever hoops they need to.

Interestingly congregations in our areas are predominantly those with young children or old ladies. Funny that.

I don't personally beleive that tax payers should fund schools which don't have inclusive admissions. Paretns should be responsible for the spritual needs of their childrne in conjunction with the church. IF there were ctaholic only state funded hosptials or Muslim ones there's be uproar.

But as long as the state rubber stamps such a bizarre idea then I have no problem with people getting in however they can if they choose such an education.

Wow - I can't believe the fuss people go to over this when they don't believe.

I am an atheist, as is my DH. His nephew was born in 2006, and when SiL asked DH to be godfather, he refused. The fuss by his dad, who doesn't go to church, was unreal.

He said it was a rejection of DNephew by DH. No, it was a rejection of the church by someone who doesn't believe in it.

And why did SiL want DNephew christened? Because before he was born, SiL lived in Lanzarote, where she returned to once DNephew was 5 months old. She felt that her son would be disadvantaged by not being christened. How the hell would anyone know, for goodness' sake.

I have no idea if I was christened or not, and quite frankly, I couldn't care less. It has absolutely no impact in modern life for most people.

buskersdog - I absolutely don't want to go through with it, as I said repeatedly in my OP. I also said I have looked into me not even going to the Ceremony because I don't believe in religion. I completely agree with everything you say and I'd hoped you would have realised that from my OP therefore I don't understand your attacking tone towards me.

The sad fact is that in general, faith schools are considered better, academically and the behaviour of pupils (although I suspect this is based in myth and people's opinions as opposed to actual fact) and that is why my DH would want DS to attend one. As kewcumber said, some people are willing to go to certain lengths in order to get their child into such a school.