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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to 'take dsc away from their mum'?

103 replies

Sampanther · 13/04/2014 23:08

My dsc are aged 7 and 8. I have a 6 yr old and dp and I have a 2 yr old together plus we're expecting a baby in October. Dps career means he can currently only have one weekend of contact per month because he has to work most weekends. The dsc love it here and always ask to stay longer or come more often. They are close to me and the other children as well as dp. Their mum usually sends them to their grandparents or elsewhere for at least one or two of the other weekends and they have clearly said to us they'd rather be here.

Dp is out from 7-7 so realistically wouldn't see them much extra, but we really want them to feel this is their home and family too and so are considering asking for eow contact. My friend, however, said it's unfair to 'take them away from their mum' if their dad isn't here. Aibu to think that being able to feel they have a home they are welcome in and to have a close relationship withtheir ssiblings is a good enough reason to ask for eow contact?

OP posts:
Forgettable · 13/04/2014 23:14

Your OP seems reasonable but the subtext in your title is VERY telling indeed.

Original poster
Sampanther · 13/04/2014 23:24

The title quotes what my friend said Confused

It would also be what their mum thinks though, and strongly opposed.

OP posts:
RhondaJean · 13/04/2014 23:26

I'm not sure how you can have a subtext in something you didn't say.

I am not in your situation but I can only see positive in this for the children. I've seen some of my friends children go through hell with fathers who didn't want to see them or have them part of their new family. Op I take my hat off tbh.

NeedsAsockamnesty · 13/04/2014 23:27

I wouldn't but then again I think child contact should be about contact with the parent

ICanSeeTheSun · 13/04/2014 23:27

If the mum is happy, the DC are happy and you are happy. It could work.

wheresthelight · 13/04/2014 23:32

Op we have an eow weekend arrangement but 2 out of 3 weekends dp is at work so the kids are with me and our dd. They are happy and settled and they have routine and rules that suit them. Dp is about for a couple of hours in am afternoon when he gets up (works nights) If you are prepared to look after them they why not ask

Original poster
Sampanther · 13/04/2014 23:32

The mum wouldn't be happy. It'd be asked for in court. The dsc were the ones who asked if it could happen.

OP posts:
LEMmingaround · 13/04/2014 23:34

whilst I agree with you to a degree needsasockamnesty - it is also about them being able to spend time with thier siblings.

This is difficult though as i could imagine the grandparents may also have something to say about it? Its not something i would push, maybe just say that you are happy for the children to come whenever they choose - that the door is always open etc. Also to be fair, i wouldn't want my children to be spending time with the OW (sorry i know this isn't the case but i can't think of another word) if my ex partner wasn't there - i would feel pushed out etc so would be sensitive about it. I think alot of it depends on the reasons they are sent to the GPs

Sharaluck · 13/04/2014 23:40

Yabvu

I don't think that would be the right thing to do.

Original poster
Sampanther · 13/04/2014 23:41

They are sent to GPs etc as she goes out. She is anti-contact even with their dad so 'leaving the door open' wouldn't work as the children simply wouldn't be allowed to come. She refuses to communicate, it is all through court.

OP posts:
Original poster
Sampanther · 13/04/2014 23:42

They would see dp for around 6 hours over the weekend. Surely that's preferable to otherwise having a month between contact?

OP posts:
WilsonFrickett · 13/04/2014 23:46

You need to repost in legal I think. My impression of contact is that it is contact for the parent, not for the step siblings so I don't see why court would grant it.

It's also important for them to have a relationship with their gps too. And also ok for the xp to go out.

Ok, they were your friends words, but playing devil's advocate - why would you want to take them away from their mother?

WooWooOwl · 13/04/2014 23:49

If the dc are asking to spend more time in your home even knowing that their Dad won't be there, then their view is worth listening to.

I can see their mothers point, that she doesn't want her or her family to lose time with the children so that they can be with her ex's new wife and not their Dad, but if the relations are so strained that everything has to go through court then there are other things that probably need to be adressed first.

Sharaluck · 13/04/2014 23:52

Why can't they spend more time with him on a weeknight for example?

eightandthreequarters · 13/04/2014 23:54

Don't get in the middle of this one - it won't end well for you.

Until your DH can arrange his working life to spend more time with his DC, they should stay with their mum. Where she chooses to send them on weekends (such as grandma's house) is up to her. You can offer, of course, and tell her they are always welcome around your place. It's up to her to take you up on it.

Will your DH's hours change for the better in the nearish future?

Why is the mum opposed to more contact?

2468Motorway · 13/04/2014 23:55

How would you feel if your 6 yr old was in the same position? Contact weekends but not seeing his dad and spending time with his partner?

Also kids do have a tendency to say what you want to hear (well some do). So if push came to shove they may not make the same assertion to their mum or the court.

Original poster
Sampanther · 13/04/2014 23:55

The issue is that their mum would oppose eow contact even if their dad was here. She'd rather him not see them, ever. She told them that he picked me and my dd over them and could see them whenever he likes but chooses not to and so on. Having a regular arrangement where they come and can feel at home would be beneficial imo.

OP posts:
eightandthreequarters · 13/04/2014 23:58

Why would she oppose eow contact? On what grounds?

eightandthreequarters · 13/04/2014 23:58

I meant, why would she oppose eow if Dad was around? I see why she would oppose if it's just you at home for the most part.

NeedsAsockamnesty · 13/04/2014 23:59

If she's saying stuff like that then he needs to work on stuff with them to make sure they know that's not true

Original poster
Sampanther · 13/04/2014 23:59

2468 my 6 yr old is sort of in that position. Her dad has a hobby that takes up most of Saturdays. Yes, I'd rather she was with me but I am grateful that her dad's gf is kind enough to take good care of her where my exH is choosing not to.

Sharaluck we live 90 miles apart so weeknights are impossible.

His working hours will not change until the children are late teens. Their mum has admitted in the past that she worries they'll prefer it here so she restricts contact andplays dDisney mum.

OP posts:
Original poster
Sampanther · 14/04/2014 00:03

NeedsA it's difficult to do that with such infrequent contact, though he tries his best. We all see dsc as part of our family which, if roles were reversed, I'd like as it's best for the children. But their mum hates it.

OP posts:
eightandthreequarters · 14/04/2014 00:04

That's a shame about his work hours. I'm afraid that if his work has to come above time with his DC, that's a situation that won't improve. I'm not judging - sometimes that's just the way it is.

NeedsAsockamnesty · 14/04/2014 00:07

How will it be easier for him if he is not even there?

Not making a dig genuinely interested

Original poster
Sampanther · 14/04/2014 00:08

He couldn't afford to support them without his career. ExW has said she'd be even more obstructive (move further away) if he reduced maintenance.

OP posts: