to 'take dsc away from their mum'?

[Sampanther]

My dsc are aged 7 and 8. I have a 6 yr old and dp and I have a 2 yr old together plus we're expecting a baby in October. Dps career means he can currently only have one weekend of contact per month because he has to work most weekends. The dsc love it here and always ask to stay longer or come more often. They are close to me and the other children as well as dp. Their mum usually sends them to their grandparents or elsewhere for at least one or two of the other weekends and they have clearly said to us they'd rather be here.

Dp is out from 7-7 so realistically wouldn't see them much extra, but we really want them to feel this is their home and family too and so are considering asking for eow contact. My friend, however, said it's unfair to 'take them away from their mum' if their dad isn't here. Aibu to think that being able to feel they have a home they are welcome in and to have a close relationship withtheir ssiblings is a good enough reason to ask for eow contact?

I'm not suggesting that he give up his career. I understand that he might not have a choice. It's a shame, but it is what it is. He is being a responsible parent and providing for them, and doing the best he can.

No Contact means contact with their parent not a bunch of non-related people.They are better spending the weekend with their gps >also remember step children are very adept at trying to please everybody, saying what they think you want to hear.

Do you have go away on holidays with them? (Block of time spent together?)

They aren't a bunch of non-related people, ffs. The two-year-old and new baby are the DSC's siblings. I agree that eow is unlikely to happen here, but I don't think the OP is unreasonable to think it would be good for the DSC, for her two youngest, and for their Dad, who would see them a bit more than he does now.

YANBU. Ideally children should have a mother and a father so why not have equal residence, especially as they have siblings they are not getting to see very often.

Why do people always assume it is 'right' for the mother to have pretty much full residence and only permit the father to have a few weeks in the holidays, EO weekend or whatever?

Plus although they are young I still think the fact that they are asking for more contact is a significant factor that should be taken into account.

Sampanther "She'd rather him not see them, ever."
Assuming there isn't some nasty back story here? If not she sounds controlling and is clearly not concerned with DC best interest.

It should surely be as much about making them feel part of the family and allowing them to develop the best relationship possible with their siblings? I think adding in an extra weekend a month sounds a good idea.

Ask. In court. Will either be granted or refused. That's easily explainable to kids. And you both will feel you did what could. And yes I feel they should have decent access to both families as they are a blended family.

He can ask for any access he likes. Court can refuse. I'm not altogether sure what the other parent has to do with it really. I mean broadly yes, but specifically?

Maybe the gPs enjoy the time with their grandchildren?

why do you live 90 miles apart? who moved?

I am not sure you will get what you want with this and I am personally of the conviction that whilst it is always desireable children are welcomed into both parent's homes on a regular basis, it just isn't always possible. I also think you are probably being a bit naive that you won't eventually tire of the responsibiity of caring for children that aren't yours for hours at a time, no matter how well behaved they may be and particularly given that you are going to have to manage so many children (5?). What happens if you can't manage or one (or more) become difficult (as they inevitably do) for a period?

I would be careful linking mum's negativity towards money/child support and the fact that your partner needs to work. I am pretty sure that you also have a level of dependence on him working and an expectation that he supports the children you have together whilst you are caring for them? why should his ex think differently?

And isn't mum entitled to go out sometimes? if she is leaving the children with their grandparents, why wouldn't that be an acceptable form of care? It is pretty typical that the ex shouts 'but she goes out' at the courts when he too has a life and a partner that supports that and family who provide care or other sources of support should he want to go out and do something without the children. Presumably you would seek out a suitable babysitter to care for the children on 'your' time if you wanted to do something else or would you be giving over your life to the children 100% of the time?

Ask the courts - but build a child-centred argument that doesn't attempt to blame mum or compare your situation to mum's situation. You also need to be careful suggesting that relationships with half-siblings are more important than extended family relationships. You also need to consider the impact on the children in the long-term should the courts grant the access you require - if mum is so hostile, will it actually cause more problems than it solves which put the children in a difficult situation?

why not have equal residence, especially as they have siblings they are not getting to see very often

because 90 miles between households does not make for equal residence?

Seems a bit of a waste going to court over it tbh. His children won't get to see any more of him.Personally I would make sure they know they are welcome any time, as they get older I am certain that they will chose to spend more time with you all but involving them in a court battle does seem a bit extreme.

Agree with fedupbutfine and 'Disney mum'?
Sorry, but if she's parenting on her own, she's not Disney mum

The ex sounds like a right nasty piece of work. Why the fuck do some women get off on acting like this? Hopefully once the kids are old enough they will vote with their feet and will be able to come see their family whenever they like.

I personally wouldn't have my partners kids here if he wasn't here himself. I get on with them fine but it makes sense that if they're not going to be seeing their dad then they should see their mum (or a relative that's she's assigned to look after them ).
Sometimes they'll be round when their dad isn't here but that's because usually they've come straight from school (school is only 5 mins away from us and half hour away from their mums ) and waiting for their dad. The same ASIC they get dropped off early and partner isn't here.
But then I've always been in the "officially I am ,but I'm not your stepmum ". We have 2 kids together and they absolutely love their half siblings and my kids play with their mums ,partners ex's ,children that she's had since splitting with him. So we're all fairly close but just find it off the kids staying with me when they could be with their mum.

Not off ,odd I meant

fedupbutfine "I am not sure you will get what you want with this and I am personally of the conviction that whilst it is always desireable children are welcomed into both parent's homes on a regular basis, it just isn't always possible."

Perhaps they should go and live permanently with the father and their siblings then. The mother can see them every other weekend.

" if mum is so hostile, will it actually cause more problems than it solves which put the children in a difficult situation?"

OP has already said the mother is hostile to ANY contact. Are you suggesting because the mother is so hostile the OP's DP and the siblings should give up on having more time together as a family?

The mother needs to grow up.

Longtime,

The op's DP will not even be there so they won't be having more time

Because the ex wont allow contact when the children's father isn't around, and will only communicate through court she is a nasty peice of work? There must be a reason for this - she told the DD the the DH chose the OP over them (she shouldn't have done that) but is that what happened? Because i can tell you now that if my DP left me and DD for another woman, didn't arrange his working life so that he could spend time them? I'd be fucked if i'd allow my children to be looked after by that person if my DH wasn't even there!

Too be honest, it sounds to me like the children are being used as pawns, on both side of a bitter battle :(

How many times have women on here been advised only to contact exes via court? We don't know the backstory and i don't mean to be harsh but the adults in this don't really matter - its the children who matter. Of course they will want to spend more time with their father (especially if he is disney dad) while the mum is the one left doing the nagging over homework, discipline, struggling to make ends meet etc. Yep - i'd want to be with the parent who took my to McDonalds, cinema and did all the weekened stuff as well.

The ex sounds like a right nasty piece of work. Why the fuck do some women get off on acting like this? Hopefully once the kids are old enough they will vote with their feet and will be able to come see their family whenever they like.

Just to point out that their mum may have a very different view of the situation here...

It may be a good thing to have all communication via court - there's no room for misunderstanding that way.

I wouldn't allow my dc to be looked after by a step mum if I was in the ex wife's position. I'd prefer my dc to be with their gps. Your dh needs to sort out his working life so he can spend more time with his kids and push for more access legally. He can't really do that if he won't even be home to look after them.

I don't think it's entirely relevant that the kids like being at your house - a visit once a month where everthing is geared towards ensuring they have a good time is not the same as looking after them frequently when the experience will becone more routine.

I would leave well alone. If your dh wants to see more if them it's up to him to facilitate that.

I think you are out of order.
This type of thing should be instigated by parents or children if there is a problem, or they are unhappy and old enough to understand.
You cannot decide if their mother is doing enough especially when as you have said, there is no contact.
I wonder if you feel pleased somehow to believe what you have written is justified. She is their mother not you. The contact arrangement are for their father and his children.

YABU I agree with above, this is for the father to facilitate not you.
I have been in the position where exdp has asked for extra, then I found he was working at the weekend, so he wasn't there and dcs were in fact with sm all day, I was not a happy bunny tbh.

Furthermore, I am a sm myself to 3 lovely dc (for over 12 years) and it's very unwise to piss their mother off especially when you not able to rely on good will, but the courts, for contact.
Things maybe be acrimonious now but no one knows what will be happening in the future.

Dc are not stupid. They are often wise beyond their years and as others have said, they won't want to upset anyone. As for them asking for more time with you, dc do that with me when leaving their friends houses, doesn't mean they want to live there.
Good luck with your pregnanxy but IMHO as a sm you should go along with the actual parents arrangements. It's frustrating sometimes, but it's not your decision.

I think we just have to be very careful judging the mother who is not here to defend herself, she may have a very different view. I also agree that the nature of lone parenthood does not make her a "Disney Mum". Maybe by only having the kids once a month it is much easier for the OP and Dad to be the "Disney Parents". Those terms are just offensive anyway, the vast majority of parents love their kids and are doing the best they can in the circumstances.