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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to 'take dsc away from their mum'?

103 replies

Sampanther · 13/04/2014 23:08

My dsc are aged 7 and 8. I have a 6 yr old and dp and I have a 2 yr old together plus we're expecting a baby in October. Dps career means he can currently only have one weekend of contact per month because he has to work most weekends. The dsc love it here and always ask to stay longer or come more often. They are close to me and the other children as well as dp. Their mum usually sends them to their grandparents or elsewhere for at least one or two of the other weekends and they have clearly said to us they'd rather be here.

Dp is out from 7-7 so realistically wouldn't see them much extra, but we really want them to feel this is their home and family too and so are considering asking for eow contact. My friend, however, said it's unfair to 'take them away from their mum' if their dad isn't here. Aibu to think that being able to feel they have a home they are welcome in and to have a close relationship withtheir ssiblings is a good enough reason to ask for eow contact?

OP posts:
TerribleMother · 14/04/2014 12:44

*stipulated terms

Philoslothy · 14/04/2014 12:55

I am a stepmother, I think not overstepping boundaries is good advice.

coppertop · 14/04/2014 12:56

Even if a court allowed it, how would you get them home on the Sunday? Their dad doesn't finish work until 7pm, and presumably will then need time to get home before making a round trip of 180 miles. Would that even be safe after a 12hr working day?

And that's without even considering the fact that the children will need to be in bed at a reasonable time, ready for school the next day.

The other option wouldn't be great either. The OP leaving earlier and traveling 180 miles with her own 3 children (when the new baby arrives) as well as the 2 step-children.

It sounds like a lot of effort considering those children will barely see their father anyway. Confused

Ludways · 14/04/2014 13:07

I do think logistically will be hard to have them regularly. I've always told my step dd (granted she's 15 now so able to make plans) that just coz her dad isn't here doesn't mean she can't come if she needs to or wants to. It's irregular but they have taken me up on it at times.

I do think sibling relationships need to be considered even though dad isn't there. My stepdd made me promise that if dh and I get divorced that she can still come to me and see her stepsibs. I laughed as I have no plans for divorce but she insisted and I agreed.

ThisFenceIsComfy · 14/04/2014 13:11

I think the motto should be with everything considered, what would benefit the kids here? Not the mum, not the dad, not you but the kids. If you don't do that then the children will only resent one of you when they grow up.

Put the grown ups feelings aside for a second, look at the situation practically and with the kids viewpoint. Only you can do that OP with the mum and dad, no one on here knows anything about your situation.

Philoslothy · 14/04/2014 13:17

I agree, This Fenceiscomfy, however most children want the adults in their lives to get along and therefore keeping relationships harmonious is an important consideration.

Bonkerz · 14/04/2014 13:18

My DSD is here this week with me. Her dad is working so she will only see him tomorrow afternoon from 4 ish and Thursday from 5 ish. She's here to spend time with her siblings and me! I've been her SM now for 11 years so am as big if not bigger part of her life than her dad is! I'm the main carer here.

Ludways · 14/04/2014 13:20

Oops, meant halfsibs, same dad. We generally just use brother and sister so I get muddled. As I've proved already, lol

NobodyLivesHere · 14/04/2014 13:22

I used to go on holiday with my dads wife and my step and half siblings as a kid. My dad was often working so would drive to the campsite after work. I loved it, I'm glad my mum wasnt so petty as to put her feelings before my relationship with my sisters.

ThisFenceIsComfy · 14/04/2014 13:23

Philoslothy, yep so the adults should make huge efforts to get along so the kids benefit, being the adults in this situation. Blended families (I don't really like that term but hey ho) are stuck with each other so need to get on with it.

atos35 · 14/04/2014 17:39

Am I being daft or does the thread read 'can I take them away from their Mum?' Or are you just wanting more contact? Obviously you shouldn't 'take them away' from their Mum, that would not benefit any of you. However if it is about childcare on weekends when their Mum is working or doing something else then really it's up to the kids. If the children are saying they would rather be with you then make sure that is really the case, in my experience kids will just say what they think the parent wants to hear to avoid hurting feelings or causing conflict, particularly in broken families.

Cupid5tunt · 14/04/2014 17:47

Personally I wouldn't and I would do what I could to stop it if it was my daughter.

TerribleMother · 14/04/2014 21:21

Even if your daughter enjoyed it, and actually asked for it to happen?

Original poster
Sampanther · 14/04/2014 22:15

I was not the OW. Dps ex left him for someone else. I met him when his dc were 1 and 2 years old at which point we had them (often I had them alone as dp worked) up to 80% of the time as she prioritised her new relationship. Then when the eldest reached school age she moved, thus Making contact very difficult. Those early years of having them so much means they are exceptionally close to my dd and they all miss one another desperately and ask constantly to spend more time here.

I have nothing against parents, lone or otherwise, going out. What I do object to is the children being told we don't want them or have refused to have them, then being sent to their GPs whom according to them they spend at least three nights per week with as their mum's new boyfriend lives 100 miles away and she travels to see him.

OP posts:
Original poster
Sampanther · 14/04/2014 22:16

Dps parents live in the middle so would help with transporting them.

OP posts:
springydaffs · 15/04/2014 00:11

I wouldn't piss the mum off iiwy. The kids won't die not seeing eachother more often, it's not the end of the world, especially with technology.

I think she does have something to worry about if you call her a 'disney mum' and say she 'sends them' to the GPs - strongly suggests you have judged her and found her wanting.

Cupid5tunt · 15/04/2014 07:27

No, I think at that age they are too young to make longterm decisions about contact. This is going through a court not just a short term plan.

Until she was a bit older I'm afraid I would decide what I thought was best for my child and I'd fight for that. If it was every now and again and plans made informally I would consider it if that what my child wanted.

43percentburnt · 15/04/2014 07:49

Hmm. Do you have the kids every time he has a holiday? Does he attend every parents evening, sports day, school meeting etc? Does he get a day off in the week when he works weekends? Does he go and see them on this day?

Why did the ex move 90 miles away? To work, be near mum and dad, for a good school?

I guess it depends if he spends his weekend with the kids doing homework, enhancing their study, etc. or going somewhere nice, eating out, having treats all weekend then returning them to mum tired with clothes to wash and no homework done.

It's hard to decide if Yabu without knowing everything.

candycoatedwaterdrops · 15/04/2014 09:23

I think she does have something to worry about if you call her a 'disney mum' and say she 'sends them' to the GPs - strongly suggests you have judged her and found her wanting.

Agreed and the kids may be saying to you that they want to see you more but may be telling their mum that they are happy with the arrangement. Some children are people pleasers even at a young age.

Cupid5tunt · 15/04/2014 09:27

Some children are people pleasers even at a young age

I agree with this too. I also think that young children are unable to process what the reality of the situation would be. If I asked my DD if she wanted to go and live with Granny she would probably say yes. But come day 2 she would be wanting to come home.

Damnautocorrect · 15/04/2014 09:49

How many times on here have I read along the lines of 'if he's working (on contact) he'll have to sort childcare like you do when you work'
Presumably eow is 'normal' for courts to grant so why is the op getting grief for wanting that?

ElsieMc · 15/04/2014 09:52

Sometimes children tell you what they want you to hear and you cannot underestimate their love for their mother. You are not their mum and once a month is really very little contact and would in reality seem to the DC's like a short break/holiday.

You also need to think through the fact that you will have five children to contend with when your new baby is born. Have you spoken to the childrens' mother about this at all?

My GS who resides with me has to see his dad EOW. As he has grown older he is becoming very bitter about this. The reason is that his dad is not available - either working long hours or when he is there, spends his time on his mobile phone. I am sure he would like a good relationship with him but he has effectively checked out as my GS has grown older and more difficult. I am not making a criticism of you, just putting to you the situation through the child's eyes.

Sadly he doesn't get on with his other GP's and this is making the situation worse. Enforced court ordered contact rarely works well (statistically) because even when a party (like us) complies there is no flexibility for the child.

Having said this, once a month is incredibly little contact for the children and I am very surprised at this and assume you have no court order. They do need to see their DF more but it is he who needs to make himself available.

Cupid5tunt · 15/04/2014 10:07

How many times on here have I read along the lines of 'if he's working (on contact) he'll have to sort childcare like you do when you work' Presumably eow is 'normal' for courts to grant so why is the op getting grief for wanting that?

Yes you are right, this is often said but this is usually when a shift comes up out the blue. Not on a regular basis. Whilst I agree that it is in the best interest of the children to aid and maintain sibling relationships contact is primarily for the parent to spend time with their child.

Cupid5tunt · 15/04/2014 10:13

And as a further point it isn't normal practice for a court to order contact over a prolonged period when the parent is not going to be around.

They tend to order parental visitation when the parent is actually going to be around for the visit.

Cupid5tunt · 15/04/2014 10:16

Sorry that should have read parental/child visitation.