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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to 'take dsc away from their mum'?

103 replies

Sampanther · 13/04/2014 23:08

My dsc are aged 7 and 8. I have a 6 yr old and dp and I have a 2 yr old together plus we're expecting a baby in October. Dps career means he can currently only have one weekend of contact per month because he has to work most weekends. The dsc love it here and always ask to stay longer or come more often. They are close to me and the other children as well as dp. Their mum usually sends them to their grandparents or elsewhere for at least one or two of the other weekends and they have clearly said to us they'd rather be here.

Dp is out from 7-7 so realistically wouldn't see them much extra, but we really want them to feel this is their home and family too and so are considering asking for eow contact. My friend, however, said it's unfair to 'take them away from their mum' if their dad isn't here. Aibu to think that being able to feel they have a home they are welcome in and to have a close relationship withtheir ssiblings is a good enough reason to ask for eow contact?

OP posts:

candycoatedwaterdrops · 14/04/2014 09:49

YABU. I agree with others, you need to back off. It's between your DH and his ex. Also, perhaps the children enjoy the time with their grandparents; it's positive for them to spend time with their extended family.

wheresthelight · 14/04/2014 10:04

The op has said the kids have asked for it and they are at an age where the court will take their wishes into account.

I agree it will be difficult and it's clear the op has left out. Some key information about why Dm won't communicate except via court and who moved but I don't see why the court wouldn't agree it if the kids say it's what they want.

Our set up is similar and exw wanted less onus on her to have the kids but then refused eow because I would be caring for the kids some of the time with dp's shifts but solicitor. Told her that they thought she was being unreasonable and would recommend the courts ruled she was out or order and granted eow

swissfamily · 14/04/2014 10:10

I'm pretty sure the kids are not of an age that the courts would take their wishes into account. They're 8 and 7. Unless things have recently changed, I think the youngest age at which a court considers a child's wishes is 10. My DH was told 11 / 12 is more usual.

Amytheflag · 14/04/2014 10:38

If the ex only communicates by court, where are you getting all the things she supposedly said from? I doubt she went to court and told them she would move away if maintenance stopped etc. There's obviously a backstory here too.

Peacesword · 14/04/2014 10:45

Surely it won't work logistically. How can you collect them from school 90 mins away if you are also having to collect your own.

wheresthelight · 14/04/2014 11:00

My dsd is 8 and we were told her wishes would be taken into account! It depends on the maturity of the children.

swissfamily · 14/04/2014 11:00

Surely it won't work logistically. How can you collect them from school 90 mins away if you are also having to collect your own

This is a very good point OP. Are you going to prioritise your SC over your DC? Will your own children be OK with that?

ikeaismylocal · 14/04/2014 11:10

Are you the poster who's partner can't be bothered with any of his kids and your worried about the same thing happening with the next baby? Apologies if your not.

Ludways · 14/04/2014 11:30

I have my stepdd when dh is at work some of the time. We have a "as and when" agreement so get her either infrequently or for days on end depending what the exw wants. It's a pain but we have a lovely relationship with each other. She has no siblings on her mums side so spending time with us means she has a wonderful relationship with her 2 half siblings. When she's with us she simply slots into the family and we carry on as normal iyswim.

I love her to bits and she loves me too but we both know I'm not her mother and I'll never ever try to take that place, her mum has nothimg to worry about. I'm more of a loving aunt.

I think some birth mums worry needlessly (not a criticism as I'm sure I'd be the same at first), thinking that the stepm is taking their place when in actual fact that rarely happens.

Amytheflag · 14/04/2014 11:35

Oh don't start the birth mum rubbish in aibu. A child's mum is not a "birth" mum just because they have a stepmum. It's mum and stepmum.

Ludways · 14/04/2014 11:39

So involved with my own story, I forgot you, lol!

I think you're lovely to offer to have them more, you're not saying every week, so mum and gps would still have them, how about 1 in 3?

I think sibling relationship is very important and shouldn't be belittled.

Ludways · 14/04/2014 11:43

Amy, was that directed at me? That was a bit dramatic wasn't it? It was just a passing phrase to distinguish her from me as I'm a mother to my own dc's. Didn't you read the part where I said I'm definitely not her mother and don't want to be or did you chose to ignore it on your strop?

Ludways · 14/04/2014 11:44

I don't even call myself a stepmum, I'm just her dad's wife.

Amytheflag · 14/04/2014 11:47

I'm not stropping. It's just a distinction a few women seem to make that isn't necessary for anyone who can follow a simple conversation. Your points would have been exactly the same had you said "some mums". It's a term that should stay in the step parenting or adoption sections really.

Philoslothy · 14/04/2014 11:51

I have been involved in my stepsons life for almost 20 years, he has stayed with me when my husband has not been present and is very much part of our family. I would never ever call his mother a birth mother, it implies that the difference between us I semantic and that we are if equal importance. I am his father's wife.

Philoslothy · 14/04/2014 11:54

I think some birth mums worry needlessly (not a criticism as I'm sure I'd be the same at first), thinking that the stepm is taking their place when in actual fact that rarely happens.

But being aware of this, stepmothers should be really careful not to overstep the boundaries between being the wife of the child's father and being a mother. I have never had this issue with my stepson's mother because she is the archetypal earth mother, a far more natural parent than I, but nonetheless I have been very careful not to do anything that could be seen as trying to step into her territory.

needaholidaynow · 14/04/2014 12:02

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Ludways · 14/04/2014 12:06

I've never referred to her as a birth mum other than on this thread, I never knew it was such a touch point, I've heard the term birth mother and birth father so often I thought it was a commonly used term, a simple term with no other connotations. Genuinely sorry if I've caused offence.

In fact my stepdds mum and I, although never speak to each other, have a mutual respect. I always speak of her highly, I think she's a lovely mum and it shows in her dd, who is a dd to be proud of. Stepdd is comfortable talking about her mum and little things have happened along the way which makes me think her mum is the same with me.

SaskiaRembrandtWasFramed · 14/04/2014 12:08

I have a stepmother, she's lovely, but when she came into my life I did not start thinking of my mum as my 'birth' mother. And if anyone had suggested I should I'd have thought they were quite peculiar.

Normalisavariantofcrazy · 14/04/2014 12:09

YABVU my kids love going to their dads, they love going to their grandparents, he'll, they'd move into my parents tomorrow if I let them, but this is their home and this is where they're settled.

I'm not a fan of the spite you seem to have put in your op about their mum 'sending them' to spend time with their grandparents.

Philoslothy · 14/04/2014 12:15

My husband and I are married, should be we judged for "sending" our children to stay with relatives or is that saved just for single mothers?

Normalisavariantofcrazy · 14/04/2014 12:17

I think most people 'send their kids away' given the chance don't they? I know mine love their weekly visits with my parents, they still do eow with their dad too. Just means they have a large loving family. What we do with our time when they're away is our business.

JumpingJackSprat · 14/04/2014 12:32

Anyone up for stepmum bingo? We've had the OW shit (despite the fact we haven't been told op was the OW) don't overstep the boundaries, you should be doing less, it's not your place blah blah blah.

Op if you go to step parenting forum you will get less of the frothing about how dare a stepmum have an opinion and not bow down to the ex wife as obviously the ex is the most important person in this equation. About my point about the ex being a nasty piece of work. I'm sure there are two sides to every story but if it was a lone parent moaning about her ex would you all day "there's two sides to every story" or would you say "there there, clearly he is a twat. Poor you".

Just because the controlling one in this situation is a woman doesn't mean she isn't a nasty person more into point scoring than facilitating a good relationship with her children's dad and his family.

TerribleMother · 14/04/2014 12:42

I wrote this on your other thread op:

I have been in a fairly similar situation for about 9 years, and yes, it did work very well for dsd who thoroughly enjoyed spending time with dh and my children, and also with me. There were some weekends that dh couldn't help working away and she didn't see him at all. On others, we had days out/playing etc during the day, then a lovely family meal and DVD/board game etc evening when dh got home from work. It was considered very beneficial for dsd to bond with her siblings. We didn't have such a long trip, but would just have to have managed if we did. We very often split the journey with dsd's mum which also helped. Dh's ex wasn't too keen to begin with but stuck to the stipulated, and when dsd got old enough to tell her how much she enjoyed it, and if I'm being honest when exw's social life picked up and it suited her, she actively encouraged more contact, without even asking whether it would be me, dh or both who would be home for the majority/all of the time.

Freeyourmind · 14/04/2014 12:43

My ExH works most weekends so he has our DC's for extra time during the school holidays as he has more free time during the week. Could that work in your situation?

I must admit I wouldn't feel unreasonable by saying no to my children spending time with my ex's partner instead of time with me, or their grandparents if their father was working.

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