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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

aibu or is he ... child support and benefits .

130 replies

mummywithsmiles · 11/04/2014 18:05

My daughter is 14 weeks old , just got discharged 3 days ago from hospital for the first time.

anyway her dad and i broke up, well he left when she was 2 weeks old in intensive care.

he is refusing to pay child support until i get a job. He earns toughly 2 k a month works full time .

he says he will not pay until im off benefits as its not fair he works his ass off whilst i get to sit on my ass whilst the government pays me too ..and then hr has to lose his wage to pay me too. I get just under 800 a month for daughter but i still think he should pay towards her whether i work or not.

OP posts:

Cupid5tunt · 13/04/2014 20:55

And also OP you have not failed your daughter in any way shape or form and don't ever think you have.

If it wasn't for you she wouldn't be here and if it wasn't for you she wouldn't be getting the care and love she needs.

You sound like an amazing strong woman and Mum and don't ever let anybody tell you different.

Original poster

mummywithsmiles · 13/04/2014 21:03

Thank you ,think im just tired she is feeding hourly doesn't leave time for sleep lol

thankyou for your kind words

OP posts:

Cupid5tunt · 13/04/2014 21:13

No wonder your tired. The hourly feeding plus stress will be stringing you out. Are you BF or FF?

Original poster

mummywithsmiles · 13/04/2014 21:26

Shes formula fed .. But takes 20mls hourly by feeding tube. This is because of severe reflux due to the congenital diaphramtic hernia it also meant because her live had herniated through the hole in the diaphram to the chest cavity her lungs couldn't grow so she begins trying to hard to breath.

OP posts:

Cupid5tunt · 13/04/2014 21:36

Ah, the only reason I asked was because I FF my DD and it meant getting up to make formula etc etc. Was hoping you might have been BFing and then at least you would have been able to take nappies etc through to bed and cosy her in for a feed so it was less disruptive to your nights sleep too.

Stick with it, it will get easier. You've clearly got a strong little girl there. You'll get there. She is a lucky little lady to have you. And just to reiterate what other posters have said, find out everything you can to get advice on obtaining maintenance from her father. His comments are disgusting and the absolute last thing you need to be concerned about is working. Never fails to amaze me how callous some people can be.

MomOfTwoGirls2 · 13/04/2014 23:28

OP, just wanted to congratulate you on your DD. She sounds a little fighter.

Don't worry about her dad. He is being prize arsehole. SS, courts, etc will see right through him. Don't bend over backwards for him. You need to save your strength and your energy for your DD.

And really, it is up to him to keep the communication open. You have enough on your plate. Worst case, it doesn't sound like your DD will miss out on much if he is not in her life. Don't let him mess with your head. Everything comes down to what is best for your DD. Whatever rubbish he comes up with, just throw back at him 'how is that best for DD'.

Your place is with your daughter. Who better to support her? And he definitely needs to pay maintenance.

Wishing yourself and your DD the very best of luck.

fideline · 13/04/2014 23:32

Crikey, you are doing a wonderful job to be sounding so together, dealing with exes BS AND feeding hourly by tube. Your daughter is very lucky

Original poster

mummywithsmiles · 13/04/2014 23:35

Its tough as in still settling in she has only been at home since Tuesday ... There's 4 meds with every feed too and its all just exhausting infeel like im running on nothing

OP posts:

NotSuchASmugMarriedNow · 13/04/2014 23:42

Can you lie and say you are working?

fideline · 13/04/2014 23:43

Well don't be wasting any of your energy on the Ex. Can you get any back-up? Homestart or paediatric nursing students?

Original poster

mummywithsmiles · 13/04/2014 23:45

I have community nurses who come and take her readings of the sats monitor and drop equipment off etc.

OP posts:

fideline · 13/04/2014 23:49

I wonder if that could be extended a bit? Might be worth asking your HV if your DD's needs can be assessed by the relevant 'Children's with disabilities' team? I don't suppose you've seen her yet if you've only been home since Tues.

Topseyt · 13/04/2014 23:49

You are doing a wonderful job, and are to be admired greatly. Most posters on here have said this.

Make sure you are getting all the help and support you are entitled to. Others have better advice than I do there.

I wonder why Happymummy is still allowed on these boards, why she hasn't been banned. This isn't the first thread I have seen her post spiteful comments on.

fideline · 13/04/2014 23:51

I wonder why Happymummy is still allowed on these boards, why she hasn't been banned

It is one of the enduring mysteries of MN.

Hopefully mummywithsmiles now knows it is best to ignore Happy and not take it to heart.

Topseyt · 13/04/2014 23:55

Happy clearly isn't very happy as far as I can see.

Original poster

mummywithsmiles · 13/04/2014 23:56

My health visitor came Wednesday ..i will ask her and the nurses tomorrow ..i love my daughter but this wasn't what i was expecting when it came to parenthood .

OP posts:

fideline · 13/04/2014 23:58

Of course it wasn't. You need some support and some sleep!!

You sound like you're doing a fab job but you're not a machine.

HansieLove · 13/04/2014 23:58

Your daughter needs full time care. One person cannot work 24/7. You need help! Like four other people!

fideline · 14/04/2014 00:01

You should get a Carer's Assessment too when they assess your DD link here. I'm not sure if there are special rules for babies but ask (and take any help you can get)

That is a link to the Carers' Trust website, BTW; might be worth a mooch.

TheDoctrineOfSnatch · 14/04/2014 00:02

OP you are amazing.

Topseyt · 14/04/2014 00:07

It might be worth inquiring about whether or not you will be able to get respite care for your daughter, just to give yourself and your mum a break.

I know you will not want to be away from her, or to have her away from you, but if you are getting no sleep and feeding hourly then sleep deprivation may become too much of an issue. You cannot continue to function at that level forever. It will make you ill, and that will not be in the best interests of either you or your daughter.

I have no idea what form such help might take, but you need to have something in your back pocket for when it all gets too much.

Original poster

mummywithsmiles · 14/04/2014 00:08

IM learning to multitask lol im currently holding her feeding tube in one hand and typing with the other =D although shes asleep which makes it easier. I have got a routine i have learned how to prepare to go out etc , i also take time in the day to have solid play mate time ( trying to avoid as much development delay as possible ) so far so good physiotherapists is really impressed with her.

OP posts:

Clarabum · 14/04/2014 00:09

Bloody well done OP. You are doing amazing and your daughter is so lucky to have you.
I echo the posts that you are not a machine however and you will need some help with her care.
But god, I'm in awe of your strength. xx

Original poster

mummywithsmiles · 14/04/2014 00:13

I see the dietician on Tuesday and were in talk of getting a night feeding pump which will give her feed continuously through the night which will be a massive help .. Supringsly my daughter is a v calm and happy laid back Lil girl which makes it easier , you wouldn't even realise how much shes been through and what she has going on now.

i will defo see what everywhere has to offer ... My mum works full time 12.30 to 10pm so its mainly us two.

OP posts:

fideline · 14/04/2014 00:14

Supringsly my daughter is a v calm and happy laid back Lil girl which makes it easier

That's because she is loved and well looked after.

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