aibu or is he ... child support and benefits .

[mummywithsmiles]

My daughter is 14 weeks old , just got discharged 3 days ago from hospital for the first time.

anyway her dad and i broke up, well he left when she was 2 weeks old in intensive care.

he is refusing to pay child support until i get a job. He earns toughly 2 k a month works full time .

he says he will not pay until im off benefits as its not fair he works his ass off whilst i get to sit on my ass whilst the government pays me too ..and then hr has to lose his wage to pay me too. I get just under 800 a month for daughter but i still think he should pay towards her whether i work or not.

Dont really want to say where i was living but its not classed as the uk i will defiantly mention it to my advisor .

www.gov.uk/child-maintenance-if-one-parent-lives-abroad/reciprocal-enforcement-of-maintenance-orders-remos

This might help. It gives the list of countries with reciprocal arrangements.

I remember you posting about your little girl before. I wish her all the best. The benefits system is for people like you caring for a very sick child. Don't let people on here who will bash you regardless grind you down. I agree with previous posters, he's an absolute arse. Of course he should pay for HIS child.

Jeez, mummywithsmiles I have absolutely no practical advice (hope others do) but YANBU and I hope you get all the benefits/child support you'll ever need to be able to look after your little girl and not go back to work until you have peace of mind.
He is scum and I am so angry for you but am glad your little girl is home.

Don't under any circumstances leave him alone with her. Get all the help you can from social and legal services.
You shouldn't have to contend with someone like this while you are caring for a sick baby.
Forget about going to work and concentrate on your little girl.

Anyone else willing to bet that if Op did get a job then he would say "you already have plenty of money - you don't need maintenance"?

I just feel like i have failed her. I couldn't keep her safe in pregnancy ..only thing i had control of was being induced at 38 weeks and having a natural birth then that went wrong she came at 36 with forceps ! ... Then i wasn't well and collapsed on the day of her surgery ..then i couldn't breast feed and then her dad left !!! I just feel like shes 14 weeks old and all i have done is failed her

It is a horrendous situation and I am so sorry for you original poster. You are of course entitled to have the father of your child support HIS child.

I see so many of these threads on this site. Why do women have children / allow themselves to get pregnant with such sorry specimens of men?

Because we were actually quite happy before i fell pregnant.

sometimes you do not know what they will be like until you are pregnant. lots of cases of domestic violence start in pregnancy. some men/people do a good impression of being nice and caring until it gets difficult when baby arrives.

Didn't want to read and run as unfortunately I have been in a somewhat similar situation.

If your exp is planning to remain abroad what you need is a REMO. Call your local family court. It is free but takes time and forms are an arse but worth it longrun. You'll find everyone really helpful.

Under European law the father has a right to access whether he is named on the birth certificate or not BUT within reason. I can not see that a one off visit with a very small and sick child will benefit the child....because it is about the child, not him. He chose to leave you both when you were vulnerable so he can basically jog on if he thinks he can come and take her overnight. You have been through a lot so make sure you and baby are settled and feel happy before you even let him through the door.

Most family lawyers will give you half an hour free consultation to set your mind at rest. My exp from another European country left me pregnant so I have looked into all this. Oh and if the baby was born in the UK she is protected by British law so he's got no chance of whisking her away unless he wants to go to prison for child abduction!

Pm me if you like. My ex ended up playing ball so I never had to bring out the big guns but he pretty much had no rights which is all a fucker who leaves a sick 2 week old baby deserves.

Keep calm and carry on. You will be fine. Focus on your baby and ignore him right now but get the REMO forms sent asap as it can take a while.

Aw bless you, I had a tiny taste of what you are going through with my DD2. She had persistant pulmonary hypertension of the newborn. It lasted days and was hellish! I have no idea about the long term that you have to deal with but can truly empathise.

Thank you giggles.
i will defo look in to it.
i don't want her to not hve a dad so i give in to him all the time.

YNBU. What OldLadyKnowsNothing said. He doesn't get to dictate here.

I understand that, OP, but I think it's this that is making some posters feel you should never leave him alone with your daughter:

her portable canister lasts 15 hrs and he doesn't know her meds or how to insert feed tube if she pulls it out

She won't be safe with him. Please don't do it.

OP sorry if I've missed it. Are you in the UK? And you have NOT failed her okay? You're the one by her bedside. That's not failure

Sweetheart, you haven't failed her. Keep plodding on.

Retrorobot, what a stupid thing to say, no woman goes "oh, yes, I predict this man will become an abusive twat, and so I'll have a baby."

Mummy...she will still have a dad whether you allow access or not right now. Tbh if you saying no at the moment due to her I'll health and vulnerability makes him disappear then he's not much of a dad anyway (of course we already know that).

I did exactly what you are saying and tried to do everything to get exp to form a bond with dd and two years later all it has given me is stress and heartache. From now on things happen on your terms with baby's best interest in mind. He made his choice to abandon her so he now dances to your pipe. Got it!!

Please do not leave your baby alone with him.
Sending you a hug.

OP the link that cheese put up. Does Dds Dad apply to any of those scenarios?

Suburbanrhonda you beat me to it. I think the biggest issue is the baby's safety. You need to get a lawyer ASAP & get some advice - and (when you find time!) CSa/cma. Given his behaviour in hospital are you really bothered about him being around? Take care honey. Your dd has a fab mummy xx

OP with the greatest respect. You've had a hell of a lot on with Dd and probably not thinking straight (bear with me here). He sounds like the A* version top class twat who knows this and plays on it. So you give in so he can still see her. Even if it is killing you inside you never let on that and you never allow him to have that hold over you neither. You are important too. You need to look after / take care of yourself (don't let people like class a twat manipulate you into doing things you feel uncomfortable with. Your baby is of course of paramount importance to and I would not be letting him have her until he's had the appropriate training on how to deal with her Canister etc. Now is the time to stand up for yourself and your baby :)

Happymummy is probably the arsehole father.

@ Chunder

You have NOT failed your DD OP. You are the parent who is sticking around and doing your best for her.

happymummy

That post on a thread like this is IMO truly beyond the pale,did it not occur to you that 14 weeks in hospital DLA and a under 3yo means serious disability?

You should be ashamed of yourself

Not ashamed, when I posted OP made no mention of any problems with her child. I have many talents but mind reading is not one if them sadly.