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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

aibu or is he ... child support and benefits .

130 replies

mummywithsmiles · 11/04/2014 18:05

My daughter is 14 weeks old , just got discharged 3 days ago from hospital for the first time.

anyway her dad and i broke up, well he left when she was 2 weeks old in intensive care.

he is refusing to pay child support until i get a job. He earns toughly 2 k a month works full time .

he says he will not pay until im off benefits as its not fair he works his ass off whilst i get to sit on my ass whilst the government pays me too ..and then hr has to lose his wage to pay me too. I get just under 800 a month for daughter but i still think he should pay towards her whether i work or not.

OP posts:
Topseyt · 11/04/2014 18:31

If I had a sick 14 week old baby then I would NOT even be considering work.

Those who are saying otherwise need to read the thread a bit better.

Chunderella · 11/04/2014 18:32

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Topseyt · 11/04/2014 18:33

.... and from the last update the OP has a baby with very special medical needs. She cannot work at the moment, surely.

The baby's dad has also done a runner. He does not get to decide terms.

Custardo · 11/04/2014 18:33

do you think this is reasonable behaviour?

do you?

i hpe you do

yes get to work immediatley

nocheeseinhouse · 11/04/2014 18:34

I was responding to the 'near impossible before five', and that may need a rethink, but only if she's well. It sounds like you can't think beyond this month just now! At the moment, you need to ignore the arsehole, and concentrate on you and your daughter. Hope the link helps.

BlackeyedSusan · 11/04/2014 18:36

all that and you can't fit work in? well fancy that. [sarcastic]

he should pay.

how the heck would you find child care for those needs anyhow?

Original poster
mummywithsmiles · 11/04/2014 18:37

Thank you , its just everything has been so hectic and now shes home etc but i have him throwing court and stuff at me all the time.

OP posts:
Original poster
mummywithsmiles · 11/04/2014 18:39

Black eyed someone suggested the other day i was lucky coz i can get dla i was like erm would rather my daughter be well tbh

OP posts:
CustardLover · 11/04/2014 18:41

I think you need a good solicitor as someone said up thread. And you need to thank your lucky stars that your ex-partner isn't in your life anymore. But he still needs to pay.

Oh god it gives me the anger shakes.

Chunderella · 11/04/2014 18:41

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

BlackeyedSusan · 11/04/2014 18:50

perhaps they could have most of their lungs removed so they could get it too?

rainbowfeet · 11/04/2014 18:51

Dear OP my late daughter had many of the health problems your precious baby has & a return to work for you is probably not on the cards for a long time. Her needs & her care will be your focus. She will be entitled to DLA probably the highest rate & you will receive carers allowance too on top of other benefits.

I hope you are receiving lots of support in the community with your baby. Your community nurse or social worker can you help you get the benefits in place & any other help & respite you are entitled to.

Sending you love & best wishes for the future.

Original poster
mummywithsmiles · 11/04/2014 19:02

Basically , he turned up at the hospital when she was 2 weeks saying he was leaving, he visited ,I had to register and he wasn't there so i couldn't put him on but said i would put him on. His seen her twice since he left. One time the nurse had to ask him to leave due to him obviously not being in the right mind ( dropping her head ,feeding her too much ,falling asleep in the chair with her so deeply he didn't realise her head was hsnging over the chair, he hasn't bought so much as a nappy but bought himself a moped amongst other things. He has told people from where we lived before and where his gone back to that she is returning there as his getting full custody.

OP posts:
Original poster
mummywithsmiles · 11/04/2014 19:04

And when i told him i registered her and gave her my surname ...he rang social services making false allegations against me and my mum ( social services knew they were false ) .

OP posts:
ICanSeeTheSun · 11/04/2014 19:04

Tbh I think working May be out of the question for at least 10 years. She will have a lot of appointments and care.

This is the most lamest of excuses I have ever read to get out of child support.

fifi669 · 11/04/2014 19:08

Ha ha ha is he joking? Or just deluded? No one would order a sick baby away from the only parent it knows.

Where did you live?

He should pay though if the country he's in won't allow you to get it from him be prepared to go it alone.

stripedteatowel · 11/04/2014 19:09

Of course you couldn't consider working as a single parent with a child with needs like that. It would be extremely unlikely that any childcare would be able to support those needs.

I agree with the other poster about getting further benefits advice, you may be entitled to more than you're currently getting. I get DLA for my DS and also get Carer's Allowance, but you haven't mentioned that in your list. Also child tax credits will award a premium if you're getting DLA for a child, but you have to let them know. Also I hope you're getting housing/council tax support as they should be paid while you're on IS.

I can't see your ex getting custody, especially with that level of needs, but definitely seek legal advice. Perhaps Children's Legal Centre could help?

Barefootgirl · 11/04/2014 19:10

He's a pathetic disgusting excuse for a man. Get a feral solicitor and take him for every penny. He is scum, sorry. I hope your lovely daughter continues to improve and flourish.

MrsKoala · 11/04/2014 19:24

What an odious specimen he sounds. Of course you shouldn't consider working with what you have to deal with with your poorly baby. Does he genuinely think you will be 'sitting on your arse' at any time in the foreseeable future or is he just making any old lame excuse that pops in his head? If he thinks looking after your dd is going to be so easy he has got no idea about reality and definitely should not get custody or even unsupervised visits.

Poor poor you. I can imagine this is all you need at the moment.

Original poster
mummywithsmiles · 11/04/2014 19:31

Oh he doesn't understand how hard it is ... His coming down soon at the end of April to see her for one day and thinks in unreasonable for one asking him to tell me in advance what day and for not letting him have her over night at his uncles ..his an idiot her portable canister lasts 15 hrs and he doesn't know her meds or how to insert feed tube if she pulls it out .

OP posts:
MammaTJ · 11/04/2014 19:32

Quite frankly, you are one person I can say needs and deserves all the benefits you get. I know you would rather have a healthy baby though.

You should not consider working, getting tax credits to pay someone else to look after your poorly baby, while you go out to work. It would be madness and would break your heart to do, I'm sure.

I doubt you would be able to get any money out of him and it sounds like he is not particulary interested in taking care of your daughter in any other way either.

I would be very tempted to block him on all fronts and ignore in future.

fedupbutfine · 11/04/2014 19:33

Both parents should support the child they brought into this world. If you were working and he chose not to presumably you would be happy? I doubt it.

seriously? a baby ill enough not to be released from hospital care for 14 weeks and you're lecturing the OP on getting back to work? Have you ANY idea? Single parents should now have to explain exactly why they are single and be lectured on the benefits of paid work from day one of the child being born?

Yet another new partner with no clue of the real world, eh?

JsOtherHalf · 11/04/2014 19:52

Have you been assessed for continuing care health funding? Speak to your wellchild nurse if you haven't.

www.nhs.uk/CarersDirect/guide/practicalsupport/Pages/continuing-care-children.aspx

www.wellchild.org.uk

Original poster
mummywithsmiles · 11/04/2014 20:02

Mamma tj your right it would break my heart , they told me she had a 0 to 5 percent chance of surviving by the end of my pregnancy and offered me a termination 2 weeks before i had her.

shes had 2 open surgerys, was on full life support for 6 weeks and then cpap for 6 weeks , now on oxygen. She has had 3 infections , 4 fractured bones.
she is probably deaf ( need to go back to audiology )
but she is actually an extremely happy baby and dmhas done so well better than anyone thought she would do. I just want to be with her now as i never thought i would be bringing my Lil girl home or see her beautiful smile.

OP posts:
WilsonFrickett · 11/04/2014 20:13

I might be on the wrong track here, but you said 'coming down' to visit, which makes me think he's in Scotland? In which case, he can still be pursued for maintenance. Same rules apply and same CSA. So get on the phone to them on Monday op and find out what you need to do. Shit that you have to, of course, but he needs to support his child and you need to be able to focus on her care without worrying about money.