aibu or is he ... child support and benefits .

[mummywithsmiles]

My daughter is 14 weeks old , just got discharged 3 days ago from hospital for the first time.

anyway her dad and i broke up, well he left when she was 2 weeks old in intensive care.

he is refusing to pay child support until i get a job. He earns toughly 2 k a month works full time .

he says he will not pay until im off benefits as its not fair he works his ass off whilst i get to sit on my ass whilst the government pays me too ..and then hr has to lose his wage to pay me too. I get just under 800 a month for daughter but i still think he should pay towards her whether i work or not.

If you read the op and her third post you wouldn't need to read minds

Yep happy. Neither is reading the thread one of your many talents neither.

Okay mummywithsmiles I weren't asking to be nosy by the way, I was asking because obviously different laws apply to different areas e.g England Scotland etc. so I didn't want to give you advice not relevant to your circumstances.

Happymummy is just the arsehole.

When I posted OP had made no mention of any problems with the child No she never mentioned any lengthy stays in Intensive Care or any mention of DLA. If you was working and he chose not to would you he happy? The OP has hardly chose to be a full time carer to a quite obviously poorly little girl now has she? let's not turn this into another Benefits thread eh? She's asking for practical advice not half baked opinions. If you can't do the former I suggest you wind your neck in.

I would never let her with on there own at the moment, what i mean is i never argue with him because he throws court threats etc at me and i cant handle it , so i have said he can come to mine although in living at my mums and she is saying she won't let him in the door. Im in the uk now yes. Its just he threatened me with social services etc and he actually done it so i know he will do anything he can to hurt me. The dla hasn't come through yet neither child tax credits , before he left last time he said he would buy some nappies and leave them up the hospital before he left with 60 quid ( this was for 3 months ) ... When i got to the hospital, there was no nappies and 10 pound. I just feel like my whole world has come crushing down i am 22, when i fell pregnant i had a full time job , flat , friends etc was really happy .. Then it all went wrong, they told me she was a blighted ovum at 6 weeks and i will miscarry a week later she had a heart beat , then i had hypermesis and spent 6 weeks in hospital on a drip then at 20 weeks inwas in London and had a scan they realised her heart was on the wrong side and had 2 holes , then at 23 weeks i went in to early labour they managed to stop then at 28 weeks they found that it was congenital diapramatic hernia and her liver had herniated in to her chest cavity meaning her lungs wouldn't grow gave me due to the severity of her case a 15 percwnt chance as her head lung ratio was so small. They told me her best chance was to reach 38 weeks , then she was diagnosed at 30 weeks as iugr baby ( poor growth ) was of the centile chart ) then at 33 weeks a heart coactation which if she had both would lean there was even little chance of surviving so offered me a termination. I was admitted until 36 weeks when they had no choice to induce me , her heart rat
e dropped during labour and they couldn't get me to surgery so had forceps.

after the 20 week scan in London i decided to stay here and left my job , home and etc

because my 20 week scan picked up just the wrong side heart indidnt think of termination as they said it would be fine.

it wasn't until 28 weeks i knew the extent.
then more issues raised with cathcing spesis when she was born etc ... I have had the worse year but I love my daughter and would do anything for her sorry im ranting think i just needed to write that down

mummywithsmiles if you can afford it. Get a Lawyer straight on this. Although there's been cuts to Legal Aid there's still allowances to be made if certain criteria are met. You might fall under the category. Lawyers have no emotional connections so is easy for them to be matter of facts about these things and they are also not easily bullied/manipulated by the likes of A* twat of the year who is clearly doing more harm than good. They should also be able to help find out where you legally stand about him sodding off out the country.

Poor typing there .. Touch screen was no made for my fingers lol

You rant away OP it is perfectly fine. What happened with SS? You know that little girl who's such a beautiful little fighter - she got it from her mummy. You put your best poker face on and you let him throw what he likes at you. It's the adult version of an entitled arse throwing his toys out the pram because he can't make everyone dance to his tune. Courts are used to dealing with people like this on an hourly daily basis. It won't wash with them.

Social services weren't interested really lol they spoke to my key worker who obviously had to make sure the allegations weren't true and they came around and said they could tell it was a spiteful call.

There you go then. Even if he does carry out these threads. You've already had proof as in the SS one that they almost always lead to nothing being done. He sounds like a total mental drain and the last thing that you or your baby need around you both at the minute. You mentioned your mum not wanting him there (I don't blame her). Remember, this is on YOUR terms not HIS. Can you arrange to meet him in a neautral place. He's less likely to play these tricks if he's in public.

www.childrenslegalcentre.com/

These people are free

Apply for carers allowance too, and make sure to call tax credits again when your DLA comes through to update them as ypoull then qualify for the disability and severe disability components.

Don't worry about SS, if he carries on making spiteful calls he'll end up the one in trouble. You'll be involved with SS disability team anyway, I'm assuming, due to your daughters condition and they'll be able to confirm that he is just being spiteful.

He should pay maintenance regardless of if you're working or not, the money is to support your daughter, you've had some great advice here, but I second the advice about speaking to a solicitor to see where you stand if he does live outside of the UK.

Speaking from experience, he'll find it really hard to go through courts with regards to custody/access as your daughter has such a severe disability. It isn't as straightforward compared to a neurotypical child custody case. Don't worry about his threats, he's probably just trying to scare you.

He is a twat.

He refuses to pay for his child but expects me a complete stranger to pay for her via taxes / benefits (which btw I am happy to do, benefits are there for a reason).

If he wants you to work then he should be paying for a full time special needs nanny - which would cost more than he earns.

He has a child, he has to pay. It is the law, it is what is right.

HappyMummy is the queen of prats when it comes to threads like this. You can bet your arse that if she fell from her ivory tower tomorrow she'd be first in the queue to claim what she was ENTITLED to (she likes that word).

OP, your DD is your first priority......£800 a month is not much to do everything. Get the courts involved asap....if it comes to it they will take the money from your ex's salary.

Happymummy is possibly the new girlfriend of arsehole father

OP you are doing a brilliant job. A really good family law solicitor will help you deal with the endless crap that this man is likely to hurl at you in the coming years.

Hi mummy congratulations on the birth of your DD. I'm so sorry it's not been an easy ride. It sounds like your twat ex is running away - maybe through fear or maybe because he's always been a twat. Whatever - his behaviour ATM is appalling.

Firstly with regards to DLA - as your Dd gets older if the care she needs is greater than her peers (ATM she's newborn so they'll consider she needs 24/7 care anyway) you'll get more support. This will help you financially care for her. Also have you informed child tax credits you get DLA? They can give extra CTC to help with the star costs a child with disability needs. Have you applied for housing and council tax benefit? Don't forget that you'll automatically get a 25% discount for being a sole adult in a house. (Council tax)

Secondly - which country is he in? You can get something called a REMO. It's quite difficult if you haven't already got an agreement and probably harder as he's not on the birth certificate. Something tells me he did this on purpose.

Thirdly - I'd post in legal with regards to where you stand re maintenance and birth certificate. Also join us over in MNSN. Within chat we have a pub where we all chat and laugh and cry together and there's loads of extremely knowledgable MNers there who have a wealth of advice.

Thank you, you have all made me feel so much better . What is MNSN.

The Mumsnet Special Needs board mummy

There is also a great lone parents section-lots of us dealing with crap Exs every day.

Sounds like HappyMummy didn't bother to read the op, just the thread title . Surprise surprise!

HappyMummy's repeated goadings on MN do not suggest she is a happy person, mummy or not.

Thank you i will check the other boards out , im sure happymummy just misunderstood.

Bloody hell. Wish I was surprised by some of the truly shitty posts but unfortunately it doesn't surprise me anymore or who has posted them.

OP You are doing an amazing job. Whilst the circumstances in your situation are obviously severe it shouldn't make a blind bit of difference. You ex should be financially supporting his child regardless of circumstance and health issues, end of story.

So happy for you that you have your baby at home now and I fully agree that SN board and the LP board would be a good place to post. In both sections you will have at least one person that at the bare minimum will understand part of what you are going through.