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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

sick of feel poor when we are not, give me a slap

148 replies

Blackmouse · 10/04/2014 10:21

thought id come on here for a good pasting as im annoying myself

we live in a wealthy area, and everyone surrounding us is basically way better off financally

we have a nice three bedroom house witth a lovely garden
dh works ft im a sahm with a baby and older child
which i feel v lucky to be able to do
we have enough to be able to afford holidays and days out and meals out etc
dont really need to worry about what we spend in supermarket

most people i know round here have much bigger houses
and more money to spend
most of them are older i guess
so think thats the main difference is,and im guessing here, they probably bought houses before we did, we bought our first house 2001, so before prices went crazy, but for a lot more than it would have cost if we had bought even three years earlier
age 21 and 22
so if most of them are older say a good five to ten years older
they probably bought their first homes for a real steal

yet i'm always feeling poor
its totally pathetic i know
im even annoying myself

i guess this is one of the downsides of living in an area like this

perhaps i should actually think of moving

OP posts:
NearTheWindymill · 10/04/2014 16:19

If you want more than you have already then I think you should go to work.

murphys · 10/04/2014 16:25

Black - don't wish your time away. This is your life and you are living it. In 20 years time when dc have left home what will you think back to. Wishing you life was other than it is now?

You seem quite negative. Are you bored being a sahm?

Dahlen · 10/04/2014 16:26

I read a psychology study that you are an embodiment of OP. It said that we measure our success by comparing what we have to those around us. Therefore, if we are richer than 90% of the country but living in an area populated by the top 5% while we're in the say 8% bracket, we will feel dissatisfied. It appears to be human nature, so don't feel too bad about yourself.

What I will tell you, based on personal experience, is that if you are fulfilled material wealth stops becoming the main way in which you compare. You instead start looking at what people do and how they live their lives, and measure yourself up against that instead. It's a much nicer place to be and makes you a much nicer person to be around.

I think I would be looking at what you can do to increase your sense of fulfilment. IT doesn't have to be an exciting, professional and highly paid job. It could be anything - volunteering, charity work, a new hobby.

Gen35 · 10/04/2014 16:26

Agree if it really is just a better lifestyle, you have to find yourself a well paying job and make the corresponding sacrifices for time with your dc. Comparing downwards can be healthy if it changes your mindset away from feeling hard done by.

Wuxiapian · 10/04/2014 16:26

You need to grow up.

You sound like a spoilt child: never appreciative of what you already have!

Feminine · 10/04/2014 16:27

I thought you were 21-22.

feeling the way you do now is unusual...

Creamycoolerwithcream · 10/04/2014 16:30

I don't really understand this 'if we'd brought earlier thing', it's a bit like if I'd been born earlier. It sounds as if you've outgrown your house, if you go for a bigger house you may feel as if you are where you want to be in life and making the most of your DH's salary. Deffo a case of house envy I think.

antimatter · 10/04/2014 16:34

you were 24 in 2001, so I guess now you are around 37

instead of worrying about lack of finances spend your energy looking after yourself - go and train for a triathlon

that would give you something to concentrate on and if you achieve it - pride too!

don't force your OH to work more or go to work just to get more money - make sure that in 10 years time you are still healthy and fit

MinesAPintOfTea · 10/04/2014 16:37

Do you need a bigger house or can you talk yourself out of wanting it by thinking about the extra cleaning etc?

We also bought pretty young (as DS was on the way) and know people with much bigger/naicer houses and with a lower mortgage. But most of them did their time living in cheap areas or tiny boxes and traded up. Its just a game.

As for being born earlier: maybe you would have graduated into a slump or anything else that would have made you worse off.

If a larger house is worth it to you, you can always go out and get a job to increase the amount of mortgage you can get. That's what I'm doing because there's no point whining about what you can and can't afford.

NivinsMcTwisp · 10/04/2014 16:39

Is this a wind up?

Original poster
Blackmouse · 10/04/2014 16:43

no i really love being a sahm, i admit i do have house envy, and its pathetic and horrible and i want to stop it
but even if i lived in a mansion, if i wasnt able to choose to be a sahm i would be much much more envious about that

i know i just ned to snap out of it
going ot try and start tomorrow as a new day with a new attitude

OP posts:
foslady · 10/04/2014 16:52

I was going to comment in this. About compared to those I mix with I'm poor. Compared to many I come in contact with I'm rich.
My life could be a lot better.
It sure as hell could be a lot worse.
You have a husband who loves and cares about you. You have healthy kids. You can give them an amazing quality of life.
But no matter what we say I bet you'll still kook outyour window and say I'm poor.
I hope to God you never really are

Creamycoolerwithcream · 10/04/2014 16:52

Could you move and cut down on some of the extras? The holidays perhaps? You are in your house all year whereas holidays are just for a few weeks a year and can cost thousands. I think you need a plan, there is nothing wrong in wanting more if it's a possibility. Do you moan to your DH as that would really piss me of if I was working full-time and providing a lovely lifestyle for my family.

NearTheWindymill · 10/04/2014 16:54

I just think you need to snap out of it. You have want you have and be glad of it. It's called glass half empty syndrome. Be glad of what you have. You could be infertile, childless, unemployed, hungry, disabled, have a disabled child. Then you would have something to complain about.

Some people have more than you. Perhaps they were luckier, perhaps they worked harder, had children later, couldn't have children, had a bit of a win. Tough - get on with it.

Jealousy is the horridest emotion.

Applefallingfromthetree2 · 10/04/2014 16:54

As so many people are saying it is comparisons that are the problem. Feeling wealthy or poor is relative and too much based on money. We should all try and look at other aspects of our lives and not just the
material side. I find that once I start doing this I start to appreciate things more and look less towards what others have.

ormirian · 10/04/2014 16:59

Hey, I sympathise.

H got downgraded at work this year. Approx 700 a month pay cut. Just about coping with that but assumed I'd get a bonus this year as I've done some pretty amazing stuff. Found out that I wasn't because they company has merged with another and they've got all hardcore and mean.....so we are going to struggle to pay for our holiday cottage in Wales. DH and I had booked a room in a nice hotel next week - we've NEVER done that before (always B&Bs or a tent). Had to cancel it Sad

I know it's all realtive - we have a house I LOVE, no-one is starving or short of anything they need. Still I came home and had a bit of a weep. Over it now.

YouAreMyFavouriteWasteOfTime · 10/04/2014 16:59

OP, do you know what you like to spend money on and what doesnt give you any personal pleasure?

e.g. i like big house, cleaner & gardener. i dont like cars or designer clothes. you seem to like everythihng but there must be thuings that are more important to you and things that are less so.

Original poster
Blackmouse · 10/04/2014 17:00

"But no matter what we say I bet you'll still kook outyour window and say I'm poor"

er how can you say that
you don't know me

i just said im starting tomorrow a fresh with anew attitude

OP posts:
ormirian · 10/04/2014 17:00

BTW we bought in 1988 - at the worst possible time! We lost a third of the value of our first home. Which was a bit shit. But we made it up over the years. I am sure you will too.

BeCool · 10/04/2014 17:02

It's simple - Stop comparing yourself to others.
Tt is the road to misery and there will ALWAYS be people better off financially than you.

foslady · 10/04/2014 17:08

Fine OP - do it then! (btw look at timings of the posts, I was still tapping on my phone....)
I genuinely do hope you change your outlook - the way how you feel will only get worse otherwise - everytime someones car is chaged, furnituredeliveted....and you'll end up so unhappy when ypu should be seeing what a hreat life you actually have

Original poster
Blackmouse · 10/04/2014 17:09

OP, do you know what you like to spend money on and what doesnt give you any personal pleasure

i like houses having a lovely time with my family and friends so days outs weekends away
holidays meals out

im not interested in flashy cars, designer clothes or bags
i actually think these are a waste of money
im not bothered about nights out on the town or parties

OP posts:
MrsLoada · 10/04/2014 17:10

Don't judge a book by it's cover. I'm sure some of my friends at thinking we are well off as kids do music lessons, tennis lessons we are members at the tennis club. Our dd went to France last year with school. But what they don't see is that we only eat out for someone's birthday. Take always only happen 2/3 times a year. We don't have holidays as such just weeks away staying with family. Kids are 11 and 12 and a few years ago we sat them down and said we can either have 1-2 weeks in Spain or somewhere as a holiday or do your music/ tennis lessons each week as over a year it would cost the same. France was a joint family effort as it was near her birthday. Family gave her spending money, some of the clothes needed, suitcase, travel smellies.
It's all about spending the money on what you enjoy and making the most of that. Not trying to do everything everyone else is doing.

NearTheWindymill · 10/04/2014 17:11

Some quotes from my MIL

"people like us don't go on cruises"
"ha, ha, my hairdresser goes to Benidorm, how common"
"people like us don't do x y and z"

Everything was stinged and meaned up. She still goes on about how at school her family was poor - half the class was poorer and in the late 50s she was the first person in her family to go to college and became a teacher and she still resents that she couldn't go to drama school. She still resents not having a 99 when she was a little girl and the fact she had only one doll.

She had a life with someone as mean and as resentful as her (although very kind). When he died we found out they had over a million pounds in the bank - yet still she spent her life moaning and whining and at 71 had still not had a flipping 99 (I bought her one just so she couldn't say she'd never had one ever again and she pursed her lips) Grin.

Her neighbour doesn't have a pot to pee in; 15 years younger than her, four children in a 3 bed semi (grown up now) but they have fun, they have barbecues, they enjoy themselves, they see their grandchildren every weekend. MIL's two daughters went to live on other continents as soon as they were old enough.

This is a woman who constantly thought other people had more and were better than her and yet who constantly laughs at those she thinks are less well educated than her Hmm.

I'm not comparing you directly to her OP - you can't possibly be that screwed up but please sit up and take stock and stop being jealous and envious else you run the risk of ending up like her - having more than most but never enjoying it or finding joy in what you do have.

consideringadoption84 · 10/04/2014 17:16

Wow. I can't feel sorry for you. At least you know you're being ridiculous and are asking for slaps not sympathy.

I am 30. I am single and earn a decent salary but I am nowhere near having a deposit.

It would be so easy for me to be jealous of people who have partners, children, own houses or live in London (my dream location) but the reality is I am incredibly lucky compared to many many people.

Look at how I can phrase my life in two different ways:

  1. I am desperate for children, I can't afford to live where I want to live and I can't afford a house. I have to houseshare and I'm 30 and alone. Or
  2. I live in a nice house in a lovely village, I have a good, stable job which I love, I am healthy, have lots of friends and enough money to socialise, actively pursue lots of hobbies, shop and go on holiday.

Both statements are true. I choose to focus on the second or I would end up bitter and resentful of my child rearing, London dwelling, house owning friends who I love to pieces and don't want to resent!

Find your more positive version of your life, it is certainly there!