sick of feel poor when we are not, give me a slap

[Blackmouse]

thought id come on here for a good pasting as im annoying myself

we live in a wealthy area, and everyone surrounding us is basically way better off financally

we have a nice three bedroom house witth a lovely garden
dh works ft im a sahm with a baby and older child
which i feel v lucky to be able to do
we have enough to be able to afford holidays and days out and meals out etc
dont really need to worry about what we spend in supermarket

most people i know round here have much bigger houses
and more money to spend
most of them are older i guess
so think thats the main difference is,and im guessing here, they probably bought houses before we did, we bought our first house 2001, so before prices went crazy, but for a lot more than it would have cost if we had bought even three years earlier
age 21 and 22
so if most of them are older say a good five to ten years older
they probably bought their first homes for a real steal

yet i'm always feeling poor
its totally pathetic i know
im even annoying myself

i guess this is one of the downsides of living in an area like this

perhaps i should actually think of moving

Christ on a bike!

You can afford to be a SAHM
You have a nice house
You can afford days out & holidays
You don't need to worry about weekly shop.

...and the problem is?

Breathtaking ingratitude.

It's hard to not feel jealous when you are surrounded by people with more.
I live in a village and part from the fact that we rent and my friends all own, we are all pretty much normal, and the same as each other. But our kids all go to a school in the next village over which is a very rich village, million pound houses (and we are in Wales not the south east) holidays to the Bahamas and Disney Florida, skiing in the winter, brand new cars every couple of years, shopping in boden and kath kidston, etc etc and when we mix with people at school we all come away feeling like the poor relations.

OP, I empathise with you.

I am a SAHM. Two young children. DH on a very high salary, sig in excess of £100k. Whilst we obviously don't feel poor per se, we definitely feel the 'poor' ones out of our group of friends. It's ridiculous, and also an odd position to be . Because you know on paper that you are just fine, especially relatively speaking. However, when it comes to chatting with your friends, you know you are many hundred of thousands of pounds (in a couple of cases, millions) worse off then them. Not that they boast, but more you have an insight in to what money gets you, the cars, the holidays etc. everything you have, but better and more.

It is all to do with what is going on in the mind and not reality.

It might help if you wandered into some poorer areas near you from time to time. And take your kids with you.
A few times doing that should be enough of a wake up call for you all.

I can kind of understand where you're coming from OP.

I live offshore (think Caribbean tax haven) and the salaries here are stupid. DH and I both work full time and earn a great salary each, however we're probably only in the mid-level range of earning capacity here.

When you're friends are millionaires it is sometimes easy to get blinkered by what they have instead of what you have. I'm the first to admit that I like pretty things, I like buying expensive handbags and getting my hair and nails done any time I want but by God I know how lucky we are. There but for the grace of God we all go.

I lost my younger brother to cancer in 2012 and had to watch him fight against it with every breath. I would have given everything to have him with us.

And if I ever have days where I think "oh I wish I had x,y,z" I remind myself of the feeling I had when I was in Bali at the end of my solitary years' travel, when I was spending £1 a night on accommodation and had about 3 pairs of knickers and some fisherman pants to my name. I would take them to the lovely lady cleaner on my way to the beach, and come back that afternoon to my 6 items of clothing cleaned, pressed and sealed in a plastic bag. Opening that bag and smelling clean clothing was amazing and would make my heart soar. Simple, simple pleasures. It was when I had nothing that I was light. I wasn't bogged down with "must haves" and watching people live their lives happy even though they were earning a pittance was a real eye opener. Stuff doesn't make you happy. It's totally superficial.

But it is human condition to strive for more I'm afraid, but I would definitely recommend taking some time out to get some perspective - charity work, volunteering might help.

Stealth boasting is so passé.

You are not trying to fill a hole in your life are you?

Whenever I feel like this, I compare downwards instead. Everyone wants to be footballers' wives rich but things could be so much worse. Also, I feel like this when something is wrong in my own life. You need to think about what's behind the dissatisfaction - are you a bit under fulfilled? do you need to work on your relationship? I don't think happy people spend a lot of time worrying about what they don't have.

I agree stroke, I really would give everything I own to bring back people I've lost, I wish I could. stuff really is just stuff...

Yes OP YABU but you clearly know this already.

You are in a very privileged position to be a SAHM and spend time with your children every day.

It's the worst thing, making comparisons with yourself and others and how their situation is 'better' based in them being wealthier with bigger houses & better lifestyles, in this situation.

I would strongly suggest that you consider getting a paid job so you can work towards affording all these things that will, possibly, make you happier.

If you prefer to remain a SAHM, then can your DH earn more money or get a pay rise somehow...?
Or move to a poorer area so you then feel richer?
That is the stark reality. Your household needs more income to fund the lifestyle you crave.

Or alternatively maybe do some volunteering and get involved in your local community?

Bring some more meaning into your life that purely more in the financial sense.

ive listened to all your comments
and you are so right
i just need to stop doing this and i need to train myself to think more positively
maybe i should google for ideas on how to do this maybe even cbt might be an idea

"Comparison is the thief of joy"

My MIL lives in a million pound house and enjoys a lovely lifestyle and has never worked. She benefited financially in her divorce from her ex husbands business success. This success cost them their marriage and has left her heartbroken still over 20 years later. If you are comfortable, happy and healthy then stop looking at others who appear to have it all. Things are not always what they seem.

i know its basically greed as ideally i would like this lifestyle in a big house

and i suppose its just a bit of pissed offness, as i know alot of the people we know, dont have a higher income they just bought houses a few years before we did, but as we bought young 21 and 22 we couldnt have really bought three years or so earlier as we didnt even know each other then
so guess its just knowing if we where that tiny bit older, even by say three years we would be considerably better off
however if we where older we wouldnt be us would we!

i've just got a bit of a mental head really

perhaps i should consider moving to a bigger house and cutting back more lifestyle wise

Can you count your blessings?

Every night think of 3 of them and 3 nice things which happened to you that day.

"Comparison is the thief of joy"
perhaps i should put this up in my house

i dont like doing the downwards comparision either though as it doesnt feel very nich to look at others to make yourself feel better
that doesnt seem liek a healthy thing to do either

i don't mind being flamed, been flamed many times and tbh i want to flame myself really for thinking feeling this way

Every night think of 3 of them and 3 nice things which happened to you that day.
yeah good idea

i think i might even write them down in a journal type thing if thats not too wanky

oh i wasn't poor growing up, well we went well off at all, but we where all in the same boat.
lived in a house smaller thna mine with a larger family
but never thought of ourseleves as hard done by at all
because noone had things like holidays abroad
it just wasnt expected
and the village we lived in 95% of the housign was all 3 bed semis
so it was a very level playing field

blackmouse - but the later you are born, the better medicien is.

DM benefited from buying houses when they were cheap.
her DB died aged 5 from an illness which would now been seen as fairly trivial.

you need to see the pros and the cons of when you were born.

Blackmouse but it is the very same now. If you were younger and had only met your dh now and then bought a house in 3 years time, the price will be higher then than for what you bought your house for. So in reality, you should think yourself fortunate that you have a house already at what you paid for it.

So, no more 'woe is me' and get on with it....

A house is a material thing. I understand that some people are more materialist that others, I am not materialistic at all, so I don't understand your comment perhaps I should consider moving to a bigger house and cutting back more lifestyle wise

OP, I totally understand where you are coming from with this - we live in a society which is constantly telling us we must have more stuff to make us happy, more exotic holidays, more exciting experiences ... you get the picture. I wonder if you have too much time on your hands to think about these types of things?

I wonder, rather than train yourself to think more positively or gratefully, why not actually go and do some voluntary work maybe at a food bank, a homeless shelter or for an organisation like Help the Aged. This might give you a totally new perspective and might provide you with an insight which makes you feel appreciation for what you do have.

murphys i totally get that, we where v lucky to buy in 2001
before the prices went even higher
and if we where starting out now, we would be totally skint
and compared to friends we have grown up with, our own age, we are much better off because they bought houses later and therefore paid alot more
so i do feel v lucky that we bought a house when we did

i just wished house prices never went insane in the first place and everyone could have say got a decent three bed house for a reasonable amount[which i would say is two and a half times your annual income]

"A house is a material thing. I understand that some people are more materialist that others, I am not materialistic at all, so I don't understand your comment perhaps I should consider moving to a bigger house and cutting back more lifestyle wisE"

what i mean is one thing we could do is
buy a bigger house and have less money for holidays days out meals out

perhaps im at a bit of a crossroads knowing i can't have it all[big house great lifestyle]
and deciding what it is i do actually want the most as it can't really be both, certainly not in this are too

you need to focus on things can you change. you keep wishing this and wanting that. its pointless.

you need to look at where you are. work out where you want to be. and work out how to take one step in that direction.