To think if you invite yourself to my house you should eat what you're given.

[13loki]

In-laws have invited themselves to stay at our house for 2 weeks (we are abroad). We all get on famously when we are in different hemispheres, but MIL is fussy as fuck. She doesn't eat vegetables. Won't eat cooked tomatoes. Doesn't like rice, or pasta, or cheese. Has just dropped the bombshell that she only eats gluten-free bread (not on medical advice)

I've been through our usual meals, and out of 2 weeks worth of different dinners, she would eat one - beans, chips and schnitzel. I am of the opinion that I shouldn't have to change what my family eat to less healthy options because she won't eat normal food. I am happy to work around allergies etc, but not a grown woman who won't even try new food. DH says I should just let it go. So I told him I'm not cooking while they are here, he can deal with it. And if I cook a chocolate cake with the children for easter, she can fuck off if she thinks she's eating any, it will have gluten in it

Our kids get given what we are eating and must at least try it - it's OK to not like something, but you can't know unless you give it a proper taste. I think that rule should go for everyone staying in our house.

She has a very restricted diet, way beyond the normal likes/dislikes. Make it entirely up to her to cater for herself if she doesn't like what the rest of the family are having.

Am really at the posters telling you to make an effort to accommodate her! Ok, maybe that's reasonable for one or two meals, but for two fucking weeks?? No way. She can sort herself out.

I agree that fussy eaters are a pain but the gluten thing is presumably because it upsets her stomach or makes her feel unwell. Nobody would willingly cut out so many delicious foods without good reason!

Similarly the cheese, perhaps if she has lactose intolerance eating cheese will make her sick or give her diarrhoea and rather than telling you this, she just says she doesn't like it to save embarrassment.

I'd ask her for a list of meal ideas that she IS happy to eat and perhaps buy for the first few days. After that she can help you to shop for some other stuff and perhaps help you/DH cook.

I read this very much that the MiL chooses to be 'gluten free' when she feels like it (and to make maximum fuss) and then eats normal things when she wants... My MiL is verging on that - saying that she has to be 'dairy free' - she actually means 'cows milk free' and then goes and does things like having normal cheese on pizzas when out rather than goats cheese - and doesn't avoid cakes and similar make with butter etc.

I cannot understand people of the "guests should eat what they are given and be grateful for it" opinion. As a host, why would you honestly want people to put food in their mouths they feel nauseated by?

It is not at all rude to me or embarrassing for other guests if someone chooses not to eat some, most, or even all of the meal I have cooked them. I do not derive my self-worth from my guests' appreciation for my meals!

Of course, in this case, the MIL sounds rude and entitled and her son should definitely do all the cooking for the fortnight.

"I do as many pick and mix/smorgasbord type meals as possible, so that it's not as obvious to the kids that she doesn't have to follow the rules."

I don't think it should matter if the kids see an adult eating differently. "You must at least try something before you say you don't like it" is a rule for children, and for their parents to set a good example, but not for other adults such as guests, surely? They may have reasons they really don't want to go into for not wanting to eat something in particular.

I think the most courteous thing a host can do (and this is a good example to set to children) is make some non-fancy alternative foods available and respect a guest's decision to choose those things over what's being offered, without interrogating them, and regardless of whether or not it seems like the guest has a "good enough" reason for not wanting the main food. The alternative foods don't have to make up what the hosts would think of as a lovely meal - they could be the same simple options every day - just something simple and filling.

I am vegetarian and sometimes would honestly so much prefer to just eat the bread and salad and dips and so on at a barbecue than any kindly offered (and perhaps badly cooked right next to the meat) veggie sausage. It's not that I'm not grateful for the thought, but it seems such a waste of that person's effort to cook something I just won't want to eat when I would genuinely be happy without it. If they would just respect my "thanks but I'll be fine with the bread and cheese", instead of insisting I must really secretly mean the opposite and want something more, then it would really be much better.

At the end of the day it's simply not your job to require any other adult to convince you they're right not to want to eat something, before you'll let them avoid it without going hungry.

As the host it's your job simply to politely accept their request and take it at face value, while limiting the accommodations you make to what's needed to keep them comfortably well fed if not actually entertained by their food. Obviously if they're insisting on something very labour intensive then you can get into a conversation with them about it and insist that your dh do the labouring but if they're not, if they're happy with some plain and simple alternatives, then surely you just respect that wish?

You don't have to change everyone else's meals to match, you might even think privately that the guest is a stupid bint with ridiculous ideas about food, but surely as a host your public job is to politely respect another adult's decision about what they choose to eat?

If she is gluten free you need to respect that. Most people don't need a consultnt diagnosis to know that gluten upsets their stomachs.

I would in your shoes cook one normal family meal for everyone and do something seperate for her.

Mistlethrush my kids can't have cows milk but seem to manage ok with yogurt and cheese. I think it's something to do with the proteins? Not sure. If we touch cows milk all of my boys get bad eczema.

Is your mil just low gluten rather then gluten free? I think it's quite sensible to have a low gluten diet.

But Nancy she seems to do ok with cake... I'm thinking she's just a pita

I'd be making loud comments about the amount of gluten in the cake. I'd probably be asking her to sort her own meals out, but then I work and would expect any guest staying with me for 2 weeks to be cooking for me, that doesn't seem unreasonable, I'd do the same if on holiday visiting a working friend or relative.

As you said, it's the 'just let it go' bit that's irritating, so tell him how glad you are that you can let go of cooking for MIL and can just leave it all to him to sort out for her. You will cook for the others...

I really don't see it as that big of a deal. Cook what you normally cook, and offer to throw a sausage/whatever extra on for MIL. You don't have to cook her a whole separate meal, just make sure there's at least one thing on the table she can eat. And buy the bread. I really don't think that buying the loaf of bread that a guest prefers is that much of a hardship.

She certainly is quite odd with regards to food choices.

Sounds like she is basically a fast food junkie.

I think anyone that says 'I don't like vegetables' is very childish and a fussy eater. All vegetables taste
differently, how can you possibly not like every single vegetable on the planet?!
This is the one that would get on my nerves, as this is the one that sets a bad example to your kids.
No real advice above that in the thread except to say next time she tries to invite herself to stay for 2 weeks, just tell her no and say its because you find her too difficult to cater for.

Nancyand - I can't have milk, but can have cheese and yoghurt - milk gives me a very distinctive cough and DH can tell if I've eaten a scone made with milk, I'm that sensitive (I sometimes forget as its not life threatening and don't notice I'm coughing and he'll then ask me what I've eaten). Mine is a recognised form of lactose intolerance - the process of changing into cheese or yoghurt results in the lactose being changed enough for me to tolerate it. I can't have goat or sheep's milk either, but can have those as cheese.

MiL seems to think that she can't have cow based dairy and calls it lactose intolerance but it clearly isn't as she can have goats milk - which still has lactose in - but can't have cows milk cheese or yoghurt or butter. So we make things with goats milk in for her - and then we go out and she eats a piece of cake that will have been made with butter in it and I wonder why we've gone to all the trouble we had done!

I am very happy catering for allergies and intolerances and preferences, as long as they are also maintained the rest of the time and not just for when they come to visit to cause maximum difficulty!