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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think if you invite yourself to my house you should eat what you're given.

116 replies

13loki · 09/04/2014 11:03

In-laws have invited themselves to stay at our house for 2 weeks (we are abroad). We all get on famously when we are in different hemispheres, but MIL is fussy as fuck. She doesn't eat vegetables. Won't eat cooked tomatoes. Doesn't like rice, or pasta, or cheese. Has just dropped the bombshell that she only eats gluten-free bread (not on medical advice)

I've been through our usual meals, and out of 2 weeks worth of different dinners, she would eat one - beans, chips and schnitzel. I am of the opinion that I shouldn't have to change what my family eat to less healthy options because she won't eat normal food. I am happy to work around allergies etc, but not a grown woman who won't even try new food. DH says I should just let it go. So I told him I'm not cooking while they are here, he can deal with it. And if I cook a chocolate cake with the children for easter, she can fuck off if she thinks she's eating any, it will have gluten in it

Our kids get given what we are eating and must at least try it - it's OK to not like something, but you can't know unless you give it a proper taste. I think that rule should go for everyone staying in our house.

OP posts:

Tinkerball · 09/04/2014 14:54

And no I wouldn't feed my kids things they don't like, why would I, as long as overall their diet is balanced there isn't an issue.

Tinkerball · 09/04/2014 14:55

Shrunken, it's not rude to dislike something though, everyone has different tastes!!!

PatriciaKrenwinkel · 09/04/2014 14:59

I get very annoyed with guests not naming you at all SIL that insist they are gluten-free/diabetic/carb-free/vegan and couldn't possibly eat bread/meat/cake/cheese (delete as appropriate) and then stuff themselves full of the meat/dairy/gluten containing food that they couldn't possibly eat thus leaving me with the manky remains to eat. Out of choice, knowing what's in it.

Fussy eaters - can't eat red and white on the same plate naming you DS1 I totally get. But don't claim you are allergic/intolerant to something thus causing me to make a load of effort, then eat it. In front of me. Knowing what it is

PatriciaKrenwinkel · 09/04/2014 15:00

Shit, ignore that rant. I'm obviously very much looking forward to our Easter weekend guests

Xenadog · 09/04/2014 15:03

OP I would just make your ordinary food and then give her a baked potato. She doesn't like cooked tomatoes - does that count if they are in a bolognaise or chilli? If not then serve something like that but she gets it on top of a potato.

If you can buy gluten free bread pop a loaf in the freezer so she has some there and basically that's it. If she finds staying at yours too uncomfortable because you can't/won't cater to such fussiness then she doesn't have to stay does she? I am sure there are hotels nearby with restaurants.

For me, 2 weeks with MiL would drive me batty so I would be greeting her with vegie and tomato pasta slathered in melted cheese with some extra gluten added garlic bread - but then I am mean!

diddl · 09/04/2014 15:05

"diddl what's so hard about accepting people don't like rice or pasta, "

Well I don't find it hard to accept!

I suppose I find them bland (hence why with a sauce) so don't really see why anyone wouldn't like them.

Bit like (imo) saying you don't like water!

Of course I realise that people don't all like the same thing- I suppose I've always thought more about people disliking strong tastes.

chipshop · 09/04/2014 15:16

My FIL is like this, I know he can't help it but... arghhhh! Fish and chips (with NO condiments on at all) is one of the very few things he'll eat so it's a visit to the chippy every time they come round. Eating out with him is a nightmare. I feel mean writing this, he's the nicest man in the world.

And don't get me started on SIL & BIL who are vegetarians who don't eat vegetables. I remember being in a rather large Australian city and walking past a load of amazing restaurants, them scouring the menus and looking mournful, and us finally settling somewhere shite that did cheese and tomato pizza. DP and I were VERY grumpy!

BirdieWhirlie · 09/04/2014 15:16

I'm with diddl on the rice/pasta/potato thing. I can understand not liking bananas, or eggs, or chilis, or pickles... something with a flavour (but I like all of those!). Actually, I suppose I can understand that a person might not like pasta, but the extent that they would refuse to eat it as a dinner guest (as my relative does)? That's a serious dislike, and I really don't entirely get how plain pasta or potato could be that objectionable. I mean, I don't like green peppers, but I'd eat them and smile if someone had cooked for me.

My relative does hate potato enough to refuse them outright, though, so I suppose I should work on my empathy!

randomAXEofkindness · 09/04/2014 15:20

Why can't a grown adult eat something they don't like? Of course they can. If they choose not to and go hungry instead, that's on them.

Why should her minority preference override the preferences of the majority?

Just make what you usually make, if she doesn't like it she'll sort herself out.

AdoraBell · 09/04/2014 15:25

Can't find the post now but someone suggested telling DCs that grandparents can eat what they choose. I'd go with that.

"DCs, this what we are eating, but Grandma has earned the privilege of not eating certain things if she doesn't want to" or words to that effect. Gets around the potential for arguements over who has to eat/ is allowed to not eat X.

Then you can cook whatever you've decided on and MIL can have whatever simple meal she prefers. If you think DH will cook the kind of meals you want for the DCs then suggest splitting it between you, or he/MIL can sort her food.

Personally I can't cook with some one else cooking beside me but if you can then go for it.

PosyFossilsShoes · 09/04/2014 15:26

13Loki I would share some of my amazing gluten-free recipes with you (lots of gf friends) but I don't think your MIL would like them at all, too many veg and weird things like quinoa…

What does she eat? Presumably some meat and some starch, no veg - sausage & mash? Ham and mash, with salad for those who want it? Roast chicken & roast potato, with veg for those who want it? How about potato salad? She can have a slice of bread with hers and you can do other more exciting salads for everyone else. Hamburger & jacket potato?

My fussiest friend self-caters as it makes her feel awful if people try to find something she likes (inevitably, she won't). I tend to regard feeding people something they like as an integral part of caring for them, but I have learned to overcome this where she's concerned.

exexpat · 09/04/2014 15:27

How would you feel about her cooking her own meals while she's staying with you, and you carry on as normal? Is there any chance she'd agree to do that?

I'm vegetarian, as are my DCs (who were also very fussy eaters as small children, much better now), and at home we mostly eat Japanese/Chinese-influenced food (used to live there) with lots of tofu, beans, rice & vegetables; my MiL is very much an old-school meat-and-two-(overcooked, small portions of)-veg-with-no-spices-or-nasty-foreign-stuff sort of cook. Our diets probably overlap by less than 5%.

So when we go to stay there I tend to cook for me and the DCs because it is just easier all round. Where possible I do something that coordinates with what anyone else is eating, but with a vegetarian source of protein and if possible a bit more flavour and a lot more vegetables.

Obviously I wouldn't do this for a one-off stay with other people, but for close family I've known 25 years and stay with regularly we have discovered that it is the best solution.

Minifingers · 09/04/2014 15:30

Never mind dividing the world into dog and cat people.

I reckon you can divide it into 'eat what you're feckin given you ungrateful twat,' and 'what would you like me to cook you for dinner?' folk.

I'm of the former group. The rule in my family is 'if you don't like it you don't have to have seconds'.

shrunkenhead · 09/04/2014 15:33

Thank you, Random! It is rude if people refuse to eat food someone had cooked for them, it offends the cook and is embarrassing for the rest of the diners at the table. Ok so you might not like it, but if it's not going to kill you then just eat up and shut up! It's only one meal (ok so not in the op's case)!
As for not feeding kids food they decide they don't like"like", you just keep offering it and make sure they see you enjoying it.

PlumProf · 09/04/2014 15:34

She has invited herself to stay and she "doesn't eat vegetables"!!

I would welcome her with a first arrival meal that panders to her, and then say that she is most welcome to shop and cook for herself, and you are sure you will understand if you carry on with the normal family meals as you know she is very fussy discerning and would want to cook for herself to make sure it is just right, and you would hate to get it wrong.

Perhaps get in some gluten free cereal/bread for her for breakfast if you know what she likes.

PlumProf · 09/04/2014 15:35

d'oh you are sure she will understand etc

LtColGrinch · 09/04/2014 15:51

Bit like (imo) saying you don't like water

I don't like water...

It's bland and boring - that's why I put squash in it or drink juice, tea, coffee etc. - but water on it's own does nothing for me (aside from keeping me alive obviously).

WRT the Fussy MIL, I'd agree with taking her shopping on day 1 & letting her get things she'll eat. She can then cook them around your meals...

kentishgirl · 09/04/2014 15:52

'Why can't a grown adult eat something they don't like? Of course they can. If they choose not to and go hungry instead, that's on them.'

'Thank you, Random! It is rude if people refuse to eat food someone had cooked for them, it offends the cook and is embarrassing for the rest of the diners at the table. Ok so you might not like it, but if it's not going to kill you then just eat up and shut up! It's only one meal (ok so not in the op's case)! '

I'm an ex-fussy eater, and I still have a handful of strong food dislikes, although I happily tuck into most things these days. I agree, if I don't like something and I chose not to eat it, then that's my problem. In most cases, yes I can just quickly swallow something down trying not to chew it, let it touch my tongue or release its flavour/texture I find stomach churning. I don't enjoy the food, but hey ho.

However, there are some things that I simply cannot eat. I'm not being rude. I'm not being awkward. Never mind embarrassing for the cook/guests, it's bloody embarrassing for me and I wish I could just shut up and eat it. But if it's one of the few foods I have a strong aversion to, if I shut up and eat it, then it is quite likely to be followed by my vomiting at the table a few seconds later (seriously) or at the very least with my sitting there with my gorge rising and small amounts of vomit coming up into my mouth to be swallowed down again. That really is what happens. I'm not allergic, some things just turn my stomach. Now that would be unpleasant for everyone.

Why would you want a guest to have to go through that purely as you are too arrogant to believe that not everyone in the world likes what you like? What's actually wrong with a polite refusal? ~I'm not saying there's anything wrong with your food, I'm not saying you are a bad cook, I'm simply saying 'sorry, but I really don't like garlic-fried-elephant-testicles, can I skip on those'.

Why should anyone else care what I do, or do not, eat?

(Ps even at my fussiest I really really enjoyed the food I liked. Someone said fussy eaters just don't truly enjoy food in the way that most people do. I don't think that's true.)

diddl · 09/04/2014 15:54

"It's bland and boring - that's why I put squash in it or drink juice, tea, coffee"

And that's why you have sauce with pasta/rice

shrunkenhead · 09/04/2014 16:01

Yes water is bland and boring but you drink it with gusto knowing it's one good for you and you're the ultimate role model for your children.

LtColGrinch · 09/04/2014 16:05

Not at all - they have squash in it too!!

shrunkenhead · 09/04/2014 16:06

Kentish, with close friends I usually know their likes/dislikes and would obv strive to make them something they would enjoy. But with pita family members that are inviting themselves to overstay their welcome I would cook the normal healthy foods I feed my family!

OldVikingDudeHidMyTubeSocks · 09/04/2014 16:11

I have no advice but I do rather like the word schnitzel.

pianodoodle · 09/04/2014 16:12

She doesn't eat vegetables. Won't eat cooked tomatoes. Doesn't like rice, or pasta, or cheese. Has just dropped the bombshell that she only eats gluten-free bread

That would just about rule out every meal in our house.

Just buy 14 pot noodles

picasso87 · 09/04/2014 16:15

Buy a fortnights worth of rustler's burgers and make her that, minimum cooking effort to accommodate her and you can make a decent meal for everyone else as you normally would. If she objects to the bread tell her to just eat the meat.

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