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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think if you invite yourself to my house you should eat what you're given.

116 replies

13loki · 09/04/2014 11:03

In-laws have invited themselves to stay at our house for 2 weeks (we are abroad). We all get on famously when we are in different hemispheres, but MIL is fussy as fuck. She doesn't eat vegetables. Won't eat cooked tomatoes. Doesn't like rice, or pasta, or cheese. Has just dropped the bombshell that she only eats gluten-free bread (not on medical advice)

I've been through our usual meals, and out of 2 weeks worth of different dinners, she would eat one - beans, chips and schnitzel. I am of the opinion that I shouldn't have to change what my family eat to less healthy options because she won't eat normal food. I am happy to work around allergies etc, but not a grown woman who won't even try new food. DH says I should just let it go. So I told him I'm not cooking while they are here, he can deal with it. And if I cook a chocolate cake with the children for easter, she can fuck off if she thinks she's eating any, it will have gluten in it

Our kids get given what we are eating and must at least try it - it's OK to not like something, but you can't know unless you give it a proper taste. I think that rule should go for everyone staying in our house.

OP posts:

Tinkerball · 09/04/2014 11:48

I don't like rice and pasta, wish I did but I wouldn't class myself as "fussy", I hate that in relation to adults as there's no way I could eat anything I didn't like, why should grown adults be forced to amytheflag And yes I've tried many times to like them, along with other stuff I don't eat - but I just don't. However I wouldn't change the meals you normally make for your family either OP, why should you. If I was your MIL I would ask to make my own meals, I'm the kind of person that would eat a baked potato every night!

PrimalLass · 09/04/2014 12:10

I've given up gluten. As an adult you don't need medical advice to know that something makes you feel unwell. It would be a waste of a GP appointment.

Don't like cheesy things either, and couldn't 'just try it' as by age 40 I know that I won't like it.

Theas18 · 09/04/2014 12:11

I'm with the buy 14 baking potatoes and be done!

Serve normal food to everyone else and she can have a picky bit of that if she wants!

Goblinchild · 09/04/2014 12:14

Well, I'm a vegetarian, but when I visit other people I'm there to have fun and hope that they enjoy my visit. Not to nit-pick and make silly comments about other people's choices, or to make them cry.
I don't break my rules about not eating specific foods, but that's fine and why I travel with a few bits and bobs to make everyone's life easier.

Viviennemary · 09/04/2014 12:17

I agree with make your own meals. Ask MIL for a list of ingredients she needs. Get them in and leave her to prepare her own.

Atbeckandcall · 09/04/2014 12:17

I agree with you completely. Allergies can't be helped, so it's acceptable to have to offer them alternatives. Being just a fussy PITA warrants no sympathy, especially if they're invading on their own invite. I will of course suggest you maybe do a couple of meals with her 'needs' in mind and tell let DH do the rest if he's so worried about it.

CaptChaos · 09/04/2014 12:21

I only eat GF bread, if I eat bread at all, because normal bread makes me bloat like a zeppelin, I'm not so bad with small amounts of it, but bread seems to set me off. I'm also not keen on cooked tomatoes, aubergine and courgettes. I suspect that might make me a fussy eater in some people's eyes.

If I was going to invite myself to stay at someone's house, I'd probably insist on helping out cooking and buying food anyway, does that redeem me?

possiblyprecious · 09/04/2014 12:22

I think I'd be tempted just to cook the usual family meals with enough for two extra, serve it up and pretty much ignore her "fussiness". She can eat the bits that she wants to, and if she's not happy with that she can go out and buy some food that she likes and cook her own!

FryOneFatManic · 09/04/2014 12:30

as by age 40 I know that I won't like it.

I don't agree with this statement.

I am now 45. I was brought up by a mum with really weird food issues, so that became my "normal" for things I would/would not eat.

It's only been in the last 5 years or so that I have shaken this off, and will now try all sorts of things that previously I thought I wouldn't like. I am amazed at the amount of stuff I now eat that I know there's no way my mum will eat.

LoonvanBoon · 09/04/2014 12:32

Can't get over people who say they don't eat vegetables, as if all vegetables are even remotely similar. This sounds difficult & there's no way you could make all your family meals conform to her limited diet for 2 weeks.

You could do one or two meals that everyone can eat, I suppose - some kind of very plain casserole (cooked in wine / stock, no tomatoes) with mash; or a roast with potatoes & other veg. for everyone else.

I agree that you need to get in loads of baking potatoes / oven chips & some kind of protein that can be shoved in the oven with a bit of seasoning on - packs of salmon fillets, say, or chicken breasts/ thighs? Frozen would be cheaper. Obviously you don't need to worry about the veg. Then you /she / DH could shove them in alongside your normal food. If there are any complaints she will then need to cater for herself.

Get her some gluten free bread & some sliced meat in for lunchtime sandwiches. I guess she won't eat soup because of the vegetables?

It does sound like a PITA. I'm presuming someone so fussy doesn't really take much pleasure in food generally, so I guess she will be okay with boring & repetitive meals! What does she eat normally? Intrigued by the total vegetable refusal. Does she eat fruit?

FryOneFatManic · 09/04/2014 12:37

One of my mum's food issues is veg refusal, and pretty much most fruit.

Meanwhile, I suspect the root of the OP's problem is not that the MIL is a fussy eater but more that the MIL has dropped the problem in the OP's lap without any attempt to help, unlike the posters on here who have various dislikes/food requirements

longtallsally2 · 09/04/2014 12:43

Keep it simple. Yy to getting her to come shopping with you to find out what she likes to eat. When you have found a couple of dishes she likes - shepherds pie? you can cook a giant one, and freeze in portions. Each day you can then say "We are having X tonight. Would you like to join us or shall we defrost a portion of shepherds pie/make an omelette/bake a potato?"

Then smile and let the rest go over your head.

diddl · 09/04/2014 12:44

"Can't get over people who say they don't eat vegetables,"

I suppose if as a kid ypu were forced to eat over boiled veg I get it.

I don't really get people not liking rice/pasta tbh.

mistlethrush · 09/04/2014 12:49

I would cook one of www.notquitenigella.com/2009/10/02/kitchen-garden-cake/these cakes too (but with finer grating).

mistlethrush · 09/04/2014 12:49

try again

HavantGuard · 09/04/2014 12:51

You could tell the DC that granny is so old now it doesn't matter what she eats.

schoolclosed · 09/04/2014 13:09

I emphathise. My FIL is similar. We do what HavantGuard suggested, oddly! And with his collusion. He says it's a shame, but he's very set in his ways. If he starts one of his "it's poison" routines, he gets asked to stop being so silly, just like the kids would. He doesn't seem to mind - I think part of him likes being treated like one of the kids' friends!

It is INCREDIBLY hard to let it go. We don't get on with him, and his ridiculous diet is often the final straw. We cook plain food, sometimes with a sauce on the side to stop our palettes atrophying, and put it in the middle of the table. The kids get a bit of everything as usual, and FIL just takes meat and potatoes. I hate that it changes our regular diet, and that he won't eat any of our easy midweek meals (chilli, curry, stirfry etc). It makes cooking much harder.

Having said all that, DH might end up leaving home if his dad came to stay for a whole fortnight... And I wouldn't be far behind! Good luck. If you can leave it to your DH, I would. I do that as much as possible when FIL is here and it does make me little bit less ranty.

Mutley77 · 09/04/2014 13:46

I really feel for you - my MIL is similar. She is also on a "no-carb" diet which makes her starving and grumpy, then she thinks she is an oracle on weight loss / healthy diet so comes out with ridiculous comments. I did lose it a few years ago when she started feeding my 2 y o DD "healthy carb-free icecream", which I think was full of apartasme IIRC.

DH doesn't like it but I do say to the DC before/after visits that grandma doesn't eat normally as she is fussy - and then just let her get on with it but am clear that my children eat a healthy diet, managed by DH and I.

She will also say she doesn't like things I cook - when she could easily just avoid eating them. EG I made a really nice healthy dip with corn chips and she went on about how she didn't like it - she could have just eaten corn chips (or nothing and waited for dinner!).

Oh and just to keep ranting... on one of their visits one night we went out for dinner and I had told the DC they could choose from x or x (but not fish and chips as they had eaten it a couple of times that week already.... was a trying week!) Anyway they totally understood and ordered an alternative, but MIL was all upset that they couldn't choose what they wanted and was being all PA about feeling guilty that she wanted fish and chips herself - I just told her to order what she wanted and it wasn't an issue for the children - which it wasn't when she ate chips for the tenth time that week (on her carb free diet!)

Just keep remembering it is only 2 weeks and try not to worry about the impact on your children as the reality is that they will realise it is not the norm - and you can reinforce that message after the visit! Just keep feeding them what they normally eat and sort MIL out separately.

Nataleejah · 09/04/2014 13:46

Don't bother cooking. Do a "swedish table" -- put out a variety of items and let the guests help themselves. If your MIL has special dietary requirements, medical or not, she can go shopping herself, can't she?

BirdieWhirlie · 09/04/2014 13:59

I have a relative like this. Eats a very limited diet - only specific carbs and certain processed meats - no fruit that looks like fruit (so it's okay in a crumble!), no veg at all, no wholegrains.

When she arrives, I take her to the supermarket and she picks out what she wants. I then proceed to make exactly what I normally would for the family, and she can come for a chat in the kitchen and cook what she likes.

The DC are (just) old enough to understand that Aunt X has a strange diet that we do not comment upon and that should not be copied. We talk about all that is missing in her diet. But we never say it to her. We must never criticise what someone chooses to eat in front of them. Use your MIL as a 'teachable moment' about where food fussiness gets you. :)

shrunkenhead · 09/04/2014 14:28

I just don't get all this pandering, especially to grown adults! You wouldn't not feed a child certain foods just because they didn't like them. And when children visit friends' houses for meals you expect them to eat up because it's polite. If we don't accept this rudeness from children why do we tolerate it from adults, and what sort of message does it send out to children if adult are allowed to when sat with a plate full of home cooked food say "I don't like it, I'm not eating it!"???gies

goodasitgets · 09/04/2014 14:32

I can't help really - I'm of the "if it's cooked for me, I eat it"
When I met one of my friends she used to ask "butter or mayo? Brown or white bread? Do you like this?"
Now she just plonks food in front of me

PrimalLass · 09/04/2014 14:42

I don't agree with this statement.

You can't disagree with the fact that I know I won't like cheesy things. Unless you are actually me.

PrimalLass · 09/04/2014 14:49

You wouldn't not feed a child certain foods just because they didn't like them.

I don't feed my kids things they don't like. Why would I? I wouldn't waste food by making something they don't enjoy.

Tinkerball · 09/04/2014 14:52

diddl what's so hard about accepting people don't like rice or pasta, can't you see people like different things? I'm not being fussy, I genuinely don't like them!

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