to ask whether anybody else has wasted all their potential?

[wastedpotential]

I'm 36 and career-wise, my life has gone nowhere. I don't see an immediate way of changing that, so it's not answers I'm after - but it would make me feel better if I knew I wasn't the only one because I don't know anybody in RL who has messed up like me.

I had a promising start. Passed the 11 plus, did very well at GCSE and A Level, went on to get a 2:1 in English from a Russell Group uni. And that's where it ended.

I've never had a graduate job or used my degree. A combination of immaturity, lack of direction but most of all a massive lack of self confidence meant that I never even attempted to apply for anything or pursue any kind of career. I fell into soul destroying call centre work which I did until I had my DD 3 years ago.

I'm now back at work part-time. It's not in a call centre - it's a far more pleasant job - but it is on minimum wage & I don't see a huge amount of progression in either salary nor responsibility. I do feel grateful to have the job, especially as it was the first one I applied for since having DD, but I can't help thinking that I'm worth more than minimum wage (I earnt significantly more previously but took time out to be a SAHM, and wouldn't have wanted to go back to a call centre anyway.)

Without wanting to blow my own trumpet, I look back on my life and think that in theory, I could have done anything. I am so full of regret. I'd love to retrain in something, but we can't afford fees & for me not to be working. Unless we come into some money or DH gets a significant payrise, I'm stuck. I've got a good 30 years of working left and it's a depressing prospect.

Thank you if you got to the end of this - can anybody relate to how I feel?

I feel so similar to so many people here, and in fact it is good to know that I'm not alone. I'm 46, Cambridge PhD followed by minor academic roles which paid so badly I stopped when dc started arriving. Now I've been a SAHM to 4 dc for 15 years. I know I can't get back to academia, and don't know what else to do. But I need to do something, for my sanity and self esteem, as well as for my bank balance.

I guess I am kind of the opposite.
I wasted my potential at school and college. Was not motivated and invested my time and energy to my hobbies rather than school work.

I didn't achieve anywhere near the exam results I was capable of. I did 2 year Technical college course, and only got a pass.

But I got a lucky break, my first job required me to get an additional technical qualification, and i enjoyed my job and worked hard at it. The pay was really poor. I made several sideways moves, each time improving my pay a little. And then things took off for me. Those sidewise moves gave me the bigger picture, and I found I was motivated to work hard.

I ended up in a job way above my qualifications.

To those of you who feel stuck, I highly recommend RELEVANT sidewise moves as a great first step to moving up.
And I would add, it is never too late to make a change

mom that is also inspiring. It may be that we get too focussed on doing some more, different exams, when what's needed is to find a way forward through work experience. Which suggests that it's staying in the jobs where no progression is on offer that is so miserable.

That was sort of what I meant earlier when I said that someone's promotion was due to their legal training. I didn't mean, literally, they thought, "she has legal training that is not relevant but let's promote her anyway". More , she got transferable skills from her legal training, so she was seen as capable of more, and they gave her the chance.

The older I get, the more I come to the conclusion, that for me and a lot of people I know, it's about right place, right time, and crucially knowing the right people. Or knowing people that know people that know people. So the more networking, socialising etc you can do, the better.

I got DH his job through someone I know, a friend got me my job through someone she knows etc. Of course you have to be able to actually perform in the job, and have all kinds of other skills and experience, but a lot of people have that and the key "luck" bit to start with can be engineered, IME.

the key "luck" bit to start with can be engineered, IME.

that makes me very uneasy, though. We spend so much time where I am on fair recruitment, not only taking ppl you know, ppl who look or sound like you, etc. That kind of engineering can quickly shade into "jobs for my mates".

I think there is a middle way, which is making sure you are "out there" and you take up any opportunities that are around- but networking can have its dark side too.

I see your point but that wasn't the sort of thing I was talking about.

no- taff- I didn't think you were personally meaning that, or that you got any of your jobs in the wrong kid of way .

Just thinking,as we are talking about how hard it can be to get back, that's another problem for ppl who have got out of the swim a bit- not being part of the "in-crowd"

I am exactly the same age as you, OP. And I have had a very similar experience. I got amazing A-levels, a very high first class degree, an MA with distinction and a PhD by 24. And then I really struggled to find work. My schooling was at local comprehensives, and I lacked the confidence, and the ability to 'talk myself up' that my peers at uni just had naturally, perhaps as a result of different life experiences. My PhD was also in a field that was massively over-subscribed for jobs. Having no familial wealth to fall back on, I couldn't afford to take a year or two off to turn my thesis into a book. So I saw people whose work I knew to be far less good than my own getting jobs, while I temped as a secretary to pay the rent. The situation wasn't helped by the fact that I had to take some critical time out in my late 20s to be a full-time carer for a sick relation. My DP at the time had an affair right when I was at my lowest, and I ended up ending our 15 year relationship at the same time. It felt a lot like rock bottom.

I don't think it's just us, though. I think there has been a constriction in the jobs marketplace and in opportunities for young people, starting with our age group and getting worse as people get younger. The only other person I knew who was doing a PhD at the same ancient and venerable university from a similar background now works in a giftshop. My DH is five years older than me, and has a similar background. Yet he found work a lot more easily, and has always got 'breaks' at the right time and is now very high up in his field.

However, I refuse to give up. I met DH five years ago, fell in love, and got married. He's finally giving me a chance to write with him and even though I am terrified that I'll mess up again, I'm giving it a go. One thing is that I feel a lot more comfortable writing than speaking and I feel like I can be 'myself' more somehow on a page than in real life. So that, in itself, is a comfort.

You are 36. There is more of your working life ahead of you than behind you - and no reason why you can't start to turn things around now. What would you like to do in life - if you could do anything at all, what would it be? And how can you get closer to that? I think sometimes you just have to feel the fear and get on with it anyway (to paraphrase a great book by Susan Jeffers).

Also, I want to say a massive THANK YOU for having the bravery to make this thread. It has made me feel a lot less alone. I think we should start some kind of mutual encouragement club - how about a dedicated thread somewhere?

Just read this thread and many of the stories are so similar to mine. I was a bright child and my parents had high hopes for me. I got 10 good GCSEs but floundered badly in the sixth form and ended up with 2 E's at A-level. The situation wasn't helped by a chaotic home life - DM had severe mental health issues around that time and DP eventually divorced. I did a succession of low paid admin, catering and retail jobs until I was 37 when I decided to go to uni after completing an Access course. Three years later I graduated with a first class degree but I still know that I will never reach my potential. I was considering teaching and was in the middle of applying for a PGCE to start this year, but something inside me just didn't feel right.

So, despite the first class degree I am still stuck in my p/t retail job and hating every single second of it. I really wish I'd done my degree in something vocational now instead of academic as at least I'd have had some on the job training. I live in a part of the country where grad jobs are few and far between and not very well paid anyway.

My dream job would require a Masters and lots volunteering even to get a look in and I just cannot afford to fund the fees or give up lots of my time to volunteer.

I've actually got an interview next week for a admin clerk job with the local council and tbh I'm bricking it! I know I can do the job, I just have a crippling lack of confidence in my abilities and this shows at interviews.

Anyway, reading this thread has made me realise that I am not alone in under-achieving. However, I do have a lot to be thankful for. I have two lovely well-adjusted DC who hopefully will not make the same mistakes I have, we are all healthy and despite the low wages, we do live in a beautiful part of the country.

I can join this thread.

struggling a fulfill your dreams, reach for the stars support thread sounds like a good idea. I'd definitely be on there!

I have been inspired by this thread and everyone else's experiences and I'm putting a long term plan in place.

I still need to go back to work in September as we really need to move in the next year but once we have I am applying to train as a midwife. I'm hoping to be able to apply for next year but even if it's the after and providing I get a place I will be 45 when I qualify with agood 20 years of wwork still ahead of me.

I have even spoken to my mum who has agreed to help with childcare. So thanks again. I have even put it on my calendar to apply at the end of the year!

Yes an encouraging each other's thread is a great idea! I'm in. I have lots of great ideas but never act on them and somehow it's much easier to encourage others. I think we can be our own worst enemies, too critical and lacking objectivity about ourselves.

It's not too late! Don't live a life of regret. Raising children is one important aspect of your life, it doesn't have to be the only thing. Being productive and contributing to our society is very important and I'm unsurprised when intelligent educated women feel being a SAHM is not enough. Just like being a single career obsessed woman with no social life or relationships would not make for a great life either: a rich varied life sounds so much better than having just one or the other.

It'll be worth it, you've had great advice above. Do it!

It's all about stages. You can have it all: just not all at once.

broken hugs. The same does apply to you, too. It is not too late. You are only four years older than I was when I had my first child. I met and married within 12 months, as I was keen to get started. A guy at work has just done the same thing, as they are both in their 40s.

The equivalent advice for you might be to find a job where you are less exhausted, so you have time to concentrate on finding happiness in your personal life. Don't give up!

Write a novel

Just seen your second post. I'm a trainee solicitor OP and I'm almost 30, also with an english degree. PM me if you like. I got a fully funded training contract so got paid to study

The older I get, the more I come to the conclusion, that for me and a lot of people I know, it's about right place, right time, and crucially knowing the right people. Or knowing people that know people that know people. So the more networking, socialising etc you can do, the better.

I agree with this - there are loads and loads of people out there who deserve a better deal, but people don't mention to them that there's a vacancy that would suit them, or whatever, because they aren't aware of their background and that they'd be interested in a new challenge or anything.

All far easier said than done, and something I am only starting to get to grips with in my 40s (and, not uncoincidentally, since my mother has died.) I don't think it's ever going to be something I'm natural at, but I am learning that it's something I can make myself do for about 3 minutes, and often, that's all you need.

Most posts here sound familiar to me too! I aced GCSE's, scraped through A'levels without really trying or having any support and then fell flat. At the time I was casting about for something to get my teeth into but kept going back to being mediocre to fit in. I didn't have a stable home and feel that at the pivotal moments I was doing all of the wrong things because I had no guidance. I know I would have been fine at Uni, but needed a nudge to get on and pick a course. I didn't go in the end because I desperately wanted a family (doesn't take a genius to understand I wanted to make up for my lack of one) and ended up in a humdrum legal sec job getting engaged and buying a house at 19. Knowing I could have done more made me a bit resentful and restless and I never really settled into anything and still wouldn't say I've had a career, despite having worked FT since I was 19! Now luckily I don't have to work (due to family circs) but I still feel I never made it to my summit and hope to tap into something when DD is at school. I have also recently got the fear of failure however, so simple things like writing an essay have much more weight behind them, as if I fail then I have to admit I am not as skilled any more. Not sure if that is just my excuse not to try things or whether I have just become lazy