to ask whether anybody else has wasted all their potential?

[wastedpotential]

I'm 36 and career-wise, my life has gone nowhere. I don't see an immediate way of changing that, so it's not answers I'm after - but it would make me feel better if I knew I wasn't the only one because I don't know anybody in RL who has messed up like me.

I had a promising start. Passed the 11 plus, did very well at GCSE and A Level, went on to get a 2:1 in English from a Russell Group uni. And that's where it ended.

I've never had a graduate job or used my degree. A combination of immaturity, lack of direction but most of all a massive lack of self confidence meant that I never even attempted to apply for anything or pursue any kind of career. I fell into soul destroying call centre work which I did until I had my DD 3 years ago.

I'm now back at work part-time. It's not in a call centre - it's a far more pleasant job - but it is on minimum wage & I don't see a huge amount of progression in either salary nor responsibility. I do feel grateful to have the job, especially as it was the first one I applied for since having DD, but I can't help thinking that I'm worth more than minimum wage (I earnt significantly more previously but took time out to be a SAHM, and wouldn't have wanted to go back to a call centre anyway.)

Without wanting to blow my own trumpet, I look back on my life and think that in theory, I could have done anything. I am so full of regret. I'd love to retrain in something, but we can't afford fees & for me not to be working. Unless we come into some money or DH gets a significant payrise, I'm stuck. I've got a good 30 years of working left and it's a depressing prospect.

Thank you if you got to the end of this - can anybody relate to how I feel?

So...you could do the law conversion because you've got a good first degree.

Where are you? I've just looked at Manchester which is obviously a v good one - it does the course part time over 2 years for 3k. There are lots of scholarships and bursaries and then competitions for placements.

Have a look at this too re funding (copied from Chester Uni postgrad, have applied for all these, see the family funds at the end; another MNer also advised me to look at the Directory of Grant Awarding Bodies in my local library, so that is on the things to do list):

FindAMasters have a Funding Awards Scheme for students intending to study at an institution within the EU in Autumn 2013. The bursaries, which total £5,000, are available to students of any nationality and across a range of subject areas. There are nine awards on offer including one general prize and a further eight that are subject-specific. Further information is available from: www.findamasters.com/fundingawards/

TARGET courses are also giving away five bursaries of £2,000 each, to help pay course fees. The competition is open to students interested in taking a postgraduate course in 2013. Entries must be received no later than 30 June 2013. Further information is available from: targetcourses.co.uk/bursarycompetition

Postgrad Solutions are also offering 13 bursaries worth £500 each, across a number of subject areas. Further information is available from: www.postgrad.com/editorial/bursaries/

We would also advise visiting the following websites for further guidance regarding funding postgraduate study:

www.hotcourses.com, www.scholarship-search.org.uk/, www.prospects.ac.uk, www.postgraduatestudentships.co.uk, www.turn2us.org.uk, www.family-action.org

I was an A student, top 5% easily! always got excellent reports! but a running theme was that I had huge potential but was just shy of actually achieving it.

I went to uni after a false start, studied a pointless subject because I thought I'd enjoy it, then had a succession of jobs, no career plan, before meeting XH and having 3 DCs.

Along the way I've never really had a 'proper' job, never worked in an office, never used a PC (I have a Mac, so am semi-computer-literate, so I can build a website and create a 100 page catalogue but I can't even open a PC file and I struggle with basic office programs like word and excel!)

As such I've always considered myself unemployable and when I became a single parent I really panicked about how I would support myself. As it happens I've been quite resourceful, I've surprised myself by running a business on my own, learning to do my own accounts and registering as a childminder so that I can earn my own money.

It's not exactly the glittering career of which I know I am capable (many think I'd have made a good doctor!) but it is family friendly and flexible and I feel good about myself, so I'm not going to beat myself up about not being a higher rate tax payer working 60 hours a week. I have a nice standard of living for me and my DCs, plenty of time for MN hobbies, my XH contributes for the DCs and I have a lovely DP who is also very supportive, so all in all, not bad for someone who has failed to reach their potential!

Sorry, random !!!s appearing there

Wasted. If money is right, see if you can train cheaply as legal secretary or legal executive. Once you are working in that area you can do distance learning qualifications to qualify as a solicitor. With your day job in a supporting job in law, many firms will see you as a really good potential employee.

I think I have too, I'm an EA, but I realised this is as good as I get career wise without working v long hours - and increasingly the 'rising stars' at work are people who aren't much more able or qualified or hard working or connected, but just made better choices at 20/21.

That said, I really am not all that fussed, because what I want to do is be a SAHM. I'm currently wressling with the internal debate about if I go back to work after mat leave (currently on mat leave with DC2, have to make the decision in the next couple of weeks!), i really would prefer not to, but long term, its unfair on DH to not work and put extra pressure on him and his career, but I'm certain if I did something interesting that challenged me, it would be a different issue.

OTOH, DH loves his job, he's a real techie geek and loves the mental challenges his job gives him, I've never found a job like that, it's not about the money or status for him, but a mental challenge. He recently turned down a promotion that would have taken him away from doing techie stuff to just managing people, it would have been higher status and a lot more money, and I suppose it could look like he's not fulfilling his potential in his current role, but he enjoys his work. Perhaps thats what you should be aiming for - not something that will give you a higher status or something that will give you lots of money, but something that challenges you?

Tight, not right.

I used to feel like that. But two things have changed - I got rid of the people who were responsible for battering my self esteem, and I found something to retrain in that will lead to a solid job. It won't be a glittering career, but that's fine.

Whose expectations are you trying to live up to? Take a look at your life now, are you happy? A family, a pleasant job? If you want to make changes, think about where you can go from here, not where you could have gone if things had been different.

I could have written your OP. All those retraining, how have you funded it? My only obstacle to retraining has been paying the fees. We can't afford thousands of pounds in tuition fees and whenever I've looked it has always said there is no funding available for those who already have a degree.

Minifingers!!!!

"I'm quite relieved to be too old (47) to be worrying about a career now."
Certainly not! After practicing as a solicitor for 20 years a career change into lecturing went wrong when cuts brought about the demise of the department I was going to run. I requalified as a Health and Social Care Manager, got a Masters equivalent and now have a well-paid job with older persons services and am on the board of our county care providers association and the chair of a national charity for older people.

I was 48 when I started this process, 10 years ago and I still think I have another job change in me before I retire.

My own experience is that if you get a reasonable sort of job with an organisation you are interested in you will eventually get the opportunity to move to a higher level post.

I suppose my story is similar but a little different.

Went to college, got good A-levels and then went off to uni to do a primary teacher degree with English. That was all I'd ever wanted to be. A term in and I hated it. I ended up in a reception class for my training and it was hard bloody work. I remember standing there, trying to convince them that five 1p's were the same as a 5 pence piece and just thinking 'this is not what I want.' Going to my head of faculty was the hardest and bravest thing I've ever done. I dropped the primary school part and carried on with the English. Left with a good degree three years later.

Then decided I would take a cover supervisor job in a secondary school. Loved it and it gave me some great experience but the wage (£12000 a year) made me feel like my degree was a waste. The lovely head at the secondary school gave me some unqualified teaching (3 hours of Y7 English a week) and I felt great. My own group and my own responsibility. But the marking, assessments, planning and parents evenings were relentless. That was with 3 hours a week.

My teaching friends would say don't do it! It really isn't just about standing there and teaching. Undeterred, I applied for a school direct teaching place for September 2013. Whilst waiting to hear about that (as there are no guarantees) I started looking for other jobs. I really love the pastoral side of schools and mentored students in my previous job. A non teaching head of year job came up at a local secondary and I applied. Sod's law, I was offered both the job and the school direct place.

So where am I now? I'm at the secondary school. When I weighed it up, I didn't want the stress of teaching right now. My jobs stressful but I only work term time and have nothing to take home. I get paid about £4000 a year less than an NQT and I absolutely love it!

I can't imagine a time now (even at only 26) where I will leave to do teaching. The only downside is that whilst my other half is supportive my family see it as such a waste and only when I'm a teacher will I have 'made it.'

Oh OP in a way I'm glad you started this thread because I feel so much like you and there are so many similarities between our situations, but I always feel like a right moaning Minnie if I say any of this. Personally, I feel as if I've "missed the boat" - spectacularly - and I'm a lot older than you (though don't feel old). So thank you for letting me get this off my chest.

I was more or less a straight A O Level student but received little or no encouragement from parents (or school for that matter) about going to university - which I could weep at now when I think back then I'd have had fees paid and a full grant. I was more or less told that university "wasn't for the likes of us". This was pre internet so it wasn't that easy to find out all the facts about uni and in any case, I'd been brought up not to question my parents, to obey them etc., so I just foolishly accepted that I couldn't go ... which seems extraordinary to me now as an adult but there you go. Consequently I left school halfway through A Levels as back in the day, having them didn't really give you much of an advantage for most jobs and therefore I didn't see the "point". I started work as a lowly office junior though I was promoted reasonably quickly and stayed there until having my first child.

When they were a toddler I decided, with the support of my then DP, to go back into education and did an access course. On that basis (plus O Levels and life experience) I was offered places at UCL, King's College London and what is now UEA. Started at UCL but had to give up when my relationship broke down and could no longer afford to travel into London. Transferred to more local uni following year - got a First ..... but by then my finances literally couldn't stand any more of a bashing and there was no way I could do the post-grad study I'd hoped to do which would have hopefully led into one of two specific careers, and which, by now, should have seen me with a reasonable salary and at least some job satisfaction.

Therefore went into another boring office job - yes, call centre work too initially, albeit quite specialised and not scripted. Hated it. Was promoted there too to a better position but left for second child. Intended to go back but whole raft of family circumstances arising in meantime meant I couldn't have earnt as much as we needed so had no choice but to look for work closer to or at home to minimise childcare costs. Ended up working from home ..... still do, technically self employed though have worked for same people for years, so pay not great, no sick pay, no pension, no holiday pay ..... yet all other jobs I look into mean I'd earn less and we simply couldn't manage on any less so feel totally trapped.

I would LOVE to retrain - and have long thought about law (had been offered law place but went different route). However - I just cannot afford to convert, no way no how. Can't afford fees, can't afford childcare and can't afford to lose what I earn now. Feel even more trapped. Neither can I "speculate to accumulate" e.g. by taking a loan - our finances just couldn't service that. In any case, given how hard it is for everyone to find work ATM I think I'd be taking a huge gamble at my age as it's well known a late 40s/50s "trainee" wouldn't be most law firm's first choice.

The same considerations apply to every other sort of retraining which I've looked into. We just can't afford for me to stop working, let alone all the other costs on top.

I know people mean well and they say stuff like "you've got xxx years ahead of you" (ever rising due to retirement age increasing) but the reality is that it costs to retrain and if you are already right up against the wall financially there's nowhere else for you to go and nothing else to cut back on.

My situation is completely soul destroying and I confess that as I get older I feel increasingly resentful. Yes - my (non) "career" has been hampered by bad luck and, sometimes, my own lack of self esteem, but more than anything I think back to my early promise and how my parents never encouraged me or supported me to make the most of that. I just can't ever imagine not doing my damnednest for my own kids if they'd shown they had every chance of doing very well academically - with all the potential rewards that might bring. I don't understand why, if my parents didn't understand the uni system, they weren't asking questions and researching the issue .... and I don't understand why I was effectively warned off from doing the same. In those days, I would have had to speak to teachers and use the school library, and would have then been able to reassure them that it wouldn't cost them anything and that I could manage on my own but though it might be hard to believe now, I was utterly ignorant of things like grants, and also scared of researching something - to see if there was any way I could go - that my parents were against. I really was a pretty timid and obedient child, and what they said, went, right up until I left home. Maybe things wouldn't have been much different if I had gone to uni at 18 - appreciate it's not a guarantee - but at least I would have tried, and all the people I know who went to uni straight from school have actually done fairly well and are now happy and secure with "good" careers.

I am at a loss to know what to do. This isn't a sudden realisation but something which has been bugging me for many years and I honestly believe I've explored every avenue. Sometimes it does come down to money - or lack of - and "at least" I have a job (which stresses me out appallingly) which I appreciate many people don't. I'm not made of stone though and it's incredibly hard to think back to lost opportunities - which in the main were either "lost" because I was too young to take control of the situation myself, as with my parents, or because of what might be called bad luck. Thinking about this too much can make me feel very low indeed ... I've always tried to work very hard and do the best I can (am a perfectionist) but feel I have nothing to show for it. Makes me laugh (not) when the old "I've worked hard all my life" line is rolled out by people in a position of relative comfort to justify what they have because I feel I've worked hard too and am living proof that it's not always "enough".

I'm doing my degree with the OU whilst still working full time, is that an option?

I won't finish it until I am 39. But the way I look at it, I'm going to be 39 anyway. So id rather be 39 with a degree and options rather than 39 and working for the same company with a job I don't actually love

Molly For a lot of health related courses, fees are paid and bursaries are available. If your household income is low there are grants for childcare and for full time you can get student loans.

OP have you thought about graduate jobs where there isn't a length of time imposed about how recently you did your degree?

Not sure how many of them there are about, but a few years ago I got on the NHS Graduate Management scheme. It starts well above minimum wage, you get loads of training and development and there was probably about 20% of people on it who had done their degrees 10-15 years ago, although there were also some who'd come straight out of university.

I'm sure there would be other grad schemes like that?

Thanks for all the replies.

I'm so glad I started this thread as it is comforting to know I'm not the only one in this position. Every single one of my friends and family members seem to have made better decisions than me.

I've decided that I will look into retraining. Legal executive is a good idea and maybe the OU. Right now it isn't a possibility financially, but perhaps I can get a plan together for the future. Once DD starts school I will be able to work more hours and perhaps that could fund it.

cats I can feel how sad and frustrated you are. I am probably much the same age as you and it can feel as if everything is set in stone.

What would you do, if you could afford it?

Exactly, wasted. You can't afford to do it now, but having a plan will help you tolerate the years until you can.

What a sad OP. Not because you have "failed", but because you think you have. Academic success does not equal rewarding high powered well thought of career. Sure, certain quals may help in certain industries but I think it's so sad that high achievers at school/Uni think they have somehow failed to reach their potential if they don't have a rewarding, high earning or otherwise "valuable" career.

Opportunity, hard work, can do attitude, people skills, planning and organisation, networking, circumstance all play as equal a part as formal education in many careers.

Please don't think you have failed. Yes, you had a great start academically. You are still only young and there is plenty of time for a fulfilling career still.

This is the thought I had ever since I had my 1st DC - but I think that our society doesn't value enough the efforts that mothers make for their children! Intelligent mothers who educate their children well, take time to explain things, read to their DC, help with homework, play sports/music with them, take them to museums etc. contribute A LOT to society!
And still I have this nagging feeling that I haven't realised my potential...
I was a brilliant student, have 2 degrees from 2 top unis, started my career well. Then had 3 children, always went back to work after 1 year of maternity leave, but due to several years of part time work my career stagnated. So I was frustrated with the situation and my then manager told me that there will be no progress for me as long as I work part time. I resigned from my job and started my own business. It works well for me - I can work around the family and earn a salary comparable to an experiences teacher's wage, without a comparable stress and commute. Still I don't find my job very stimulating intellectually, and I could earn much more. At the same time, I get a huge satisfaction from the fact that my children are thriving. Well, I still hope to achieve more professionally when my children are older..
Chin up, OP, you are not alone in your situation and I'm sure you'll find a solution!

I think that when DC are little it is absolutely enough for us to be there for them full-time, as long as it also makes us happy. It isn't a waste of potential to be doing that job.

It's more about what happens next. Even if you wait until they leave home, there is then a new life phase before retirement. Not every form of achievement has to be based around work - but I think we all want to feel that we have done something a little bit significant in those years between say 50 and 70.

I did really well at school up until 6th form and got offers from 5 Russell Group Unis and one not so good one. As I'm hugely lazy I chose the not so good one as it meant I didn't need to get very good A Levels

I got a 2.1 and then meandered into a call centre job, worked my way up and became a project manager earning a good salary and with a lot of responsibilities. But I felt like I hadn't reached my potential because I was miserable and stressed all the time and it was something I fell into rather than something I actually wanted to do. So I gave that up last year to set up my own business. At the moment I earn half what I was earning before but am so much happier.

So many of my old colleagues told me they envied me being able to leave and do what I wanted but were trapped in a miserable situation because of not feeling like they could afford to do anything different.

My situation was different to yours I didn't have children to worry about and my salary meant that I had spare cash to put into my business but it was very hard. In the year before I left my job I was working 50 hours a week doing my job and then having to work on my business. I had to cut down all my expenses so I could put all my spare cash into the business. I'm not saying this is feasible for you but the thing that made it possible for me was having a goal to aim for and a plan for achieving it. I think it's the first time in my working life that I was in that situation.

Even if your plan is a 10 year plan, it's worth seeing if you can put something together to take away the sense of helplessness. And you might not believe it now but things can change when I was in my miserable job, I really didn't think there was any way out. But there was (eventually!)