to ask whether anybody else has wasted all their potential?

[wastedpotential]

I'm 36 and career-wise, my life has gone nowhere. I don't see an immediate way of changing that, so it's not answers I'm after - but it would make me feel better if I knew I wasn't the only one because I don't know anybody in RL who has messed up like me.

I had a promising start. Passed the 11 plus, did very well at GCSE and A Level, went on to get a 2:1 in English from a Russell Group uni. And that's where it ended.

I've never had a graduate job or used my degree. A combination of immaturity, lack of direction but most of all a massive lack of self confidence meant that I never even attempted to apply for anything or pursue any kind of career. I fell into soul destroying call centre work which I did until I had my DD 3 years ago.

I'm now back at work part-time. It's not in a call centre - it's a far more pleasant job - but it is on minimum wage & I don't see a huge amount of progression in either salary nor responsibility. I do feel grateful to have the job, especially as it was the first one I applied for since having DD, but I can't help thinking that I'm worth more than minimum wage (I earnt significantly more previously but took time out to be a SAHM, and wouldn't have wanted to go back to a call centre anyway.)

Without wanting to blow my own trumpet, I look back on my life and think that in theory, I could have done anything. I am so full of regret. I'd love to retrain in something, but we can't afford fees & for me not to be working. Unless we come into some money or DH gets a significant payrise, I'm stuck. I've got a good 30 years of working left and it's a depressing prospect.

Thank you if you got to the end of this - can anybody relate to how I feel?

Dh did. He totally fucked up at Uni, despite being one of the most intelligent people I know. Worked at a stressful but non professional job for years, got made redundant. Worked at minimum wage job for a few years, now works caring for sn adults, which due to council cuts is precarious. I think he is happy, if worried, but I know he often regrets a lot.

OU costs a fortune but you can get student finance for OU courses (if you haven't already done a degree), or the new advanced learning loan may cover fees but I'm not 100% on what the criteria is. Unfortunately the course I want to do is practical so I can't do distance learning

Fantastic thread!...like so many other posters I totally relate to this. V.v bright at school, studied 7 years at uni for a top professional degree with PG Dip on top...hit the world of work and crumbled. Did various roles related to degree and am still friends with former boss despite going AWOL from work due to confidence crises.
Then had 4 DC and have never formally worked since. I do make some money, in a related sideline which is lucrative on occasion, but I don't seem to have the confidence / drive to take it further.
I wonder are a lot of us the people who study / work at a project obsessively, yet then drop it 99 ? of the way there in case of failure?
I'd love to do something intellectually stimulating, but worry that people would think , here we go again, another attempt which will bomb at the end.
Loving reading others experiences, ambitions, its all a wake up call

I gave up my PhD and a job in academia so I suppose I did. I don't know I often wish I had gone another route.

Yes me too.

I'm thinking of doing a CIPD but it's so expensive ad what if I'm crap?

Not yet, despite a disappointing last 10 years career wise which is completely redeemed by a great marriage and two gorgeous daughters. If I stay where I am working three days a week, I will have done. I am 40, retraining as a Chartered Secretary and massively excited about the next 25 years of my working life.

My dad has started a new career as a TA at the grand age of 69. He is now 72, comes across more like 52 and is a massive asset to his ofsted excellent school. Flexible as no childcare to fit around, provides cover, very practical, fits in, energy, his contract is renewed every year. He's probably unusual though, but it certainly keeps him young.

I however have never had the social confidence to match my academic ability, hence have stalled at semi middle management and no idea how to progress.

I feel I could definitely done more.

Did teacher training because, in my area, there wasn't a great choice for girls and any more outlandish suggestions for careers were totally poo-pooed by my mother.

Got married too young, twice had a chance to do other jobs but turned them down as I could imagine my mother banging on about how I'd wasted her money going to college etc etc

Too late to do anything about any of it now

I had a great career but have spent 12 years as a sahm, which I have loved. Am now in a position to work without childcare issues, but who would want me? I have definitely lost confidence and would be happy in a basic non stressful part time job, but I think I will be overqualified for that sort of thing, and out of the job market for too long for anything better.

Not too late, I have up to a level, I was too immature I have started my own business at 35

I've thought about this quite a lot recently, coincidentally enough.

There is one big thing that stick out for me. Firstly, I've always felt a bit "different". Could never put my finger on why exactly. I used to think I was actually from another planet and would be picked up in the future

We have a DS aged 6 who is like a mini-me He's on the "able and talented" thingy and has been identified by CAMHS as having "high learning potential and giftedness". I put those in inverted comma's as I'm not a massive fan of labels etc. But the older he gets, the more I realise that I was probably like that as a child, though it wasn't recognised. I had a shit. abusive childhood so no surprises that nothing was done. I wonder if DS has some Asperger's traits and also wonder if I have to. If I have it hasn't hindered me from having a fulfilling life now and whilst I don't have regrets as such, there is a part of me that asks "What if...."

Yes, when they are preschool you have a FT job, it's hard to find time for any retraining. But quite a few ppl say that once they are in school they can't earn more than the childcare would cost for those early years. So by doing your own childcare for the out of school hours until they hit secondary, you can create some time while they are in school to regroup, rethink, retrain.

Waves to she.

No, no, 12 years is not that long. Honestly. I had 7 years completely SAHM and another 5 only working PT. Get some careers advice, find your niche.

What a pp said- we all have a long time till retirement. Long enough for an adventure, too short for regrets.

Waves back to Beast

I am not ambitious. Can't be bothered to retrain. Only want to do a few hours.
I wish I could be more motivated but I quite like the easy life. Maybe one day...

You sound scarily like me

If I'd lived up to my "potential", I'd be a well published biochemist/lawyer, teaching as a visiting professor and shagging my way round the conference circuit. I'd also be an alcoholic depressive, living out of a suitcase in short term lets.

DW saved me from that, so I work for 22K a year at a job that's mostly fun, I have a dull car, I've been off ADs for a fair bit, I drink almost nothing and my friends and family say I'm good company.

And our daughter is the funniest and most cheerful person I know. God she makes me proud.

That's what my real potential was: being human.

I left school with only GCSE's as I met my now husband and wanted to get working, married and have kids. I fell into a civil service job which was ideal with the kids and after several promotions was at middle management level on a great wage. I was bored stiff though and aware that I was underqualified - everyone else had degrees, including those junior to me. I debated doing a business degree but eventually decided to be brave and retrain in the area that has been my dream career for a long time. I did the access course and am now at uni studying midwifery. I am 32. We saved up, I have a part time job and get a small bursary, so we are surviving. Good luck!

I haven't wasted my potential at all, OP.

However, I have reinvented myself several times and intend to continue to do so.

So I guess I'm saying, don't give up. There's always a chance to remodel. And keep an open mind. Often what we thought we'd do isn't what we end up being super successful at.

OP here

Wow, I honestly wasn't expecting so many people to post that they are in similar situations.

wordfactory that is a great way of looking at it, reinvention.

I hope everybody who feels the same as me manages to find a way to change things.

OP, you sound like a younger version of me! i'm in my mid 40's and have never had a graduate type job, despite having a First Class degree from a RG Uni. I feel horrified when I think of years I wasted by drifting around without direction or purpose.

This has resulted in ongoing depression and anxiety - I had a massive breakdown a few years ago, from which I'm not sure i'll ever fully recover. On the plus side, I've got 2 DC and a year ago was lucky enough to get a clerical job with a lovely local charity. The pay is low and p/t though and very insecure, due to funding cuts. I would love to earn more, to help my teenage children and to be able to move to a better area, but have no idea how to achieve this.

I'm wondering whether career counselling might help? It worries me that at my age I still have no idea what I really want to do, and what I'm capable of. I feel my time is running out.

Good post Disgrace. I think it is much simpler to fulfil your potential while still at school, university - even into first job - when you only have yourself to think about and fulfilling your potential is basically your top priority and measure of success. Much harder to stay focused and single-minded once husbands and children come on the scene. If I'd insisted on fulfilling my potential at work I'd probably be divorced - certainly wouldn't have travelled - and wouldn't have seen much of my kids. I probably haven't fulfilled my potential in terms of career, but I doubt I'd be happier if I had.

Thank you OP for starting this thread, it both saddens and reassures me in equal measures to know that I'm not the only one who has been feeling this way.
My story is pretty similar to most however I never got as far as Uni due to some bad choices/relationships/bereavement and I regret this as it has left me with limited choices and lack of motivation career wise.

Reading all of the responses has finally motivated me to do something about the situation. I have toyed with the idea of training for a career in counselling for a year or two but have put it off for one reason or another. Motivated by this thread I have found that a local college runs courses in counselling and have been accepted on an introductory course that begins at the end of this month - all in the space of 24 hours!

At 42 I'm hoping it's not too late to reinvent myself.

At 42 I'm hoping it's not too late to reinvent myself.

At 67 when you retire you will look back and say, god, was I only 42?

Courage, everyone. There are lots of things I never did. I didn't become an academic (no money for a doctorate back in the early 1980s) and I didn't become a partner in my big shiney professional services firm (two disabeld DC, couldn't keep up the hours and the commute). There are ppl in my year group at Uni who have made so much money, they have their own charitable foundation now.

Tant pis. I have a nice, fairly senior job, enough money, no debt, and a happy family life. I'll settle for that. We don't have to do everything. We just have to do enough to make ourselves happy- wherever that falls for us individually.

Disgrace that post actually brought a tear to my 35 year old eye.

I sometimes feel like the OP, I went to uni but didn't do a "useful" degree, fell into a job & stayed. I wish I'd gone down a research science route.
Sometimes I think "well, my parents were teachers & while I was growing up they earned less than I earn now between them, & I'm in an office job, not earning enough to start paying back my student loan! " Yet potential wise, I'd rather be using my brain than feeling as if I'm stagnating slowly.

Sometimes I think that to love and to be loved is all that we need, & that thought keeps me happy for a while, before I regret things again.
I have a little plan to do some nice art, doesn't matter I it's not a big earner, it's just for me, but I've not even started that yet (but I will!!!).

Haven't read all thread yet but for all those who are worried about finance have you considered the new "24+ loan"?

It's a loan for over 24s, doesn't matter about previous qualifications, that will cover fees for retraining and doesn't need to be repaid until 2016 and you are earning over £21,000 a year

info here: www.gov.uk/advanced-learning-loans/overview

Also you have the option of career development loans here: www.gov.uk/career-development-loans/overview

Worth a look!