to ask whether anybody else has wasted all their potential?

[wastedpotential]

I'm 36 and career-wise, my life has gone nowhere. I don't see an immediate way of changing that, so it's not answers I'm after - but it would make me feel better if I knew I wasn't the only one because I don't know anybody in RL who has messed up like me.

I had a promising start. Passed the 11 plus, did very well at GCSE and A Level, went on to get a 2:1 in English from a Russell Group uni. And that's where it ended.

I've never had a graduate job or used my degree. A combination of immaturity, lack of direction but most of all a massive lack of self confidence meant that I never even attempted to apply for anything or pursue any kind of career. I fell into soul destroying call centre work which I did until I had my DD 3 years ago.

I'm now back at work part-time. It's not in a call centre - it's a far more pleasant job - but it is on minimum wage & I don't see a huge amount of progression in either salary nor responsibility. I do feel grateful to have the job, especially as it was the first one I applied for since having DD, but I can't help thinking that I'm worth more than minimum wage (I earnt significantly more previously but took time out to be a SAHM, and wouldn't have wanted to go back to a call centre anyway.)

Without wanting to blow my own trumpet, I look back on my life and think that in theory, I could have done anything. I am so full of regret. I'd love to retrain in something, but we can't afford fees & for me not to be working. Unless we come into some money or DH gets a significant payrise, I'm stuck. I've got a good 30 years of working left and it's a depressing prospect.

Thank you if you got to the end of this - can anybody relate to how I feel?

Stinky bishop are you a clinical psychologist, that's an area I would like to go into. Yes I feel I wasted my potential, I wanted to be a comericial pilot, my mum would not let me, and did did a psychology degree instead, I wish I could go to flying school but it's too late now. I am 37 with 2 kids, so a bit passed my use by date. It would be impossible as dh is tge high earner so he would have to give up his job to care for the kids whilst I train, but we would have virtually no money as you don't get much in training.

Will look to go into clinical psychology in a few years time when kids are older I gave a ds 2 and dd7.

aeroflot yes. PM me if you want to chat. Is it defo too late to get your pilot's license? Maybe you could do sightseeing flights or something instead?

Like icepole I was derailed by a horrendous relationship in my 20s. I have done some interesting jobs but my confidence had been destroyed and I didn't push myself forward or even attempt certain things that I know I would have been capable of. I now live in a rural area where my old field of work would be impossible to pursue, so I am mulling over what to do now my dds are settled at school. I really hope my dds have more confidence and fulfil their potential.

I definitely understand where you are coming from. I got derailed for ages and stuffed about a bit.

But then I learnt to force myself back in to my own life as a priority. If that makes sense? I am a carer for my husband who has a mystery illness that has basically destroyed his lungs and two ASD teens so I've definitely had to be flexible but I'd rather flex than get nowhere.

I studied Social Science and worked with ASD families and children and had my own business but I can't do that anymore so I'm studying Graphic Design now instead because I love it and I can do it from home and the time lines are not as sensitive as other careers. I just had to choose a new road.

I'm older than you by a couple of years but it's never too late I say :) Pick your path and get walking!

Also, think about what you have learnt in your 'wasted time' I'd guarantee there is a lot there that would stand you in good stead in whatever career you choose now. Life experience definitely trumps educational institutions in many ways.

Hi op. I'm another one who could have written your post.

I turn 40 this year and could kick myself sometimes when I think of my wasted opportunities and wrong decisions. When I was younger it was lack of confidence that held me back.

Now it is lack of money. Dc2 starts school full time in September and I will be looking at going back to work full time then as we need to move house and my wage will be needed to secure a decent mortgage.

I have spent the last 6 years studying with the ou and did very well in my degree but I'm concerned I'm not going to be able to turn it into a decent job but as others have said, I know I still have a good 20+ years of work ahead of me and even if it means starting from the bottom and working my way up again I am determined to do it. I'm also quite excited to get back out there again.

It's funny, I was explaining how I felt to a friend of mine. She is 10 years younger than me with agreat job and excellent prospects. It turns out she is jealous of my lifestyle. I trained as a childminder whilst on mat leave so have been able to stay home for the last few years while dd was little. She said she would love nothing more than staying home with her dc every day, baking and doing the school run. Instead she quite often workstill 9pm at home after ddoing a full day at work and is getting ill with the stress. Kinda put things into perspective a bit

I feel exactly the same as this. I'm only 23 and desperate to get back in to education but simply can't afford it due to childcare. We are one of those families who don't earn a lot, but earn too much to qualify for any government help. If DP earned slightly less, I'd be able to apply for a discretionary learning fund to help with childcare costs, and I'd be able to go back to college and have a chance at a decent job. It's very frustrating. I think I'm just destined to do nothing with my life I'm another one who always had potential at school/college etc, but now I'm buggered.

My lack of "potential realising" has not necessarily affected me financially. I earn in the mid 60s with the potential to earn commission as well, and have earned at this rate or higher for the last 10 years. I don't think my career necessarily fully utilises my full potential however and I do wish I had paid more attention to what I actually wanted to do rather than just fall into the job I do (Sales). I don't feel that all my skills are used, I am bored a lot of the time, I think I could have used my writing ability to earn money if I had really set my mind to it and I do think a more creative occupation would have suited me better.

I guess without the financial impulse to motivate me though I won't do anything about it. I have considered OU English degree however and I would like to do that in the future, also a photography course. It's never too late!

Yep thats me. 11GCSEs A* to B, 4 ALevels As and Bs 2:1 at Uni but I work part time in a call centre surrounded by 16yr olds! I had so many plans then DS1 was born and it all became about what was best for him.

I agree it's never too late to retrain if you want to, tbh I'm really enjoying working as a TA and find it fulfilling but DH and my parents all look down on it as a dogsbody job with bad pay. Before I started training I felt useless, have actually been feeling better about myself and more worthwhile than in years till DH complained again last night. I guess lots of people's lives and prob particularly women's don't turn out as they hoped.

No one can have it all and I'd rather have time with my children than a highflying career but I also want to feel valued by those around me and it seems that only comes with having a career. And although we have managed fine on Dh's salary we had a lot more disposable income pre kids and I think he thought we'd return to it although ironically it's me who spends the money not him! But not if we can't afford it though.

I am still considering teacher training but am aware how much work it is and still feel DCs are too young to cope with me working that much if they don't have to. Both my parents worked full time and my mum was consumed by work and that has influenced the way I want to bring up my children. Which would all be absolutely fine if DH felt the same. He fully supported my decision to be a SAHP but thinks that now DCs are at school I should have walked straight back into full time career with attendent salary.

Good to read about others who have retrained later in life - I still hope that long term I will find a good career that suits me poss in education. I think returning to publishing would be impossible now.

ellie and caitlin I am with you. DS2 is almost 18 with a functioning age of 2 and needs ft care. When he is 20 I am going to get him to move out into 24/7 supported accommodation- not actually for me so much, but for him to have fun with ppl on his wavelength. And of course so that the day I die he doesn't really give a shit and carries on with his happy life.

You can get back into some form of intellectual or work world. Just not straightaway.

The number of ppl saying it's too late, and they are under 40 on this thread: and ladies, don't you believe it. There is no need to do everything before you are 40.

What is very important though is how do you retrain while still earning. We've heard from lots of ppl who find that they can see no way through that. It may be that using some of the time you do have as a SAHM to do PT retraining is a smart way to get ready for that later phase of your life.

I can sympathise as I felt the same at your age but without the degree, and decent A levels and O levels. I'd managed to get a fair distance without them but it's only over the past 10 years I can consider myself to have a career rather than a job. It's not too late. I would take the advice upthread though about reading the thread about being a solicitor - it's what I'm hearing in real life too so check job prospects first before committing to any retraining. Good luck. Don't give up otherwise you'll look back in 10 years time feeling worse.

My cousin retrained as an accountant when he was 40. They downsized houses, he did some SAHP whilst his wife upped her hours.

6 years on, he's in well paid employment and they have moved to a bigger house. It was tough for a few years but in their eyes worth it.

If you want to hear about wasted potential, then you need to hear about my Grandma. She was incredibly bright as a child - got a full scholarship to a grammar school, got high O-Levels (??) and was set to go to university until she met my Mum's Dad.

He was in the navy so she dropped out of school to get married, follow him around the country and have children. They moved every 18 months so she could never have a proper job and the children had to be sent to boarding school. After 15 years of marriage they were posted to California and the kids joined and to everyone else they had this blissful expat marriage. Except her husband didn't really like having his teenage daughters back and turned into an abusive alcoholic behind closed doors.

Long story short, aged 45 she left an abusive marriage and was forced to leave the USA and all her friends behind and return to Birmingham (which, as my Mum told me, was quite a shock). My grandma had had no proper job for over 25 years and started again cold calling selling advertising to local businesses.

By the time she'd retired 20 years later, she'd changed jobs a number of times, climbed the corporate ladder and finally been headhunted to be Company Secretary for a large national company.

Which means you've got a 10 year head start on my Grandma plus a 2:1 degree from a good university AND an actual CV.

I think the problem with using SAHP time for retraining is that lots of people here are SAHP until their youngest starts school which doesn't actually give any time for doing anything other than liming after children and as the financial configuring to the household is childcare, we can't afford to pay out money until the SAHP is earning.

My youngest is now being 15 hours of preschool but I've discovered that even voluntary work is difficult to get for into those 15 hours of term time activity. I have managed to get DP to agree to look after the children while I volunteer in an area related to the field I want to work in at weekends but I had to get knocked back quite a bit before I could convince him that the sort of volunteering that didn't require extra childcare was not really going to be much of an advantage in terms of high paying work in the future.

Mine is more the fact that I wasted my massive talent and potential, despite starting on the road to a promising career in the music industry. It had been my dream since I was a child but I quit singing and songwriting after becoming completely jaded and then bounced around in PR before moving into a legal secretarial role purely because it paid well!

This many years on (I'm 34 now), I live offshore and have pretty much reached the highest level I can get to as a executive legal secretary working for the Chairman and in a supervisory reporting role. After he retired I kept thinking "balls, there's nowhere left for me to go!" - so deciding that I'm smart and determined (and frankly far smarter than some of the idiot lawyers and accountants I have to work with!) I've decided to retrain as a Chartered Secretary. It's just a far more involved version of what I currently do. The only downside is that I have a toddler DS1 and 3 week old DS2 and work full time so it's infinately harder to find the time to study!

But then I reckon I'll be far prouder of my achievements at this stage in my life than I would have done if I'd found a pretty boring career earlier on.

So whilst I definitely feel that I wasted my potential in terms of the actual talent that I had and sometimes feel sad that I didn't get my head out of my ass and carry on singing and performing, the road I took has revealed other areas of interest that I can pursue.

And age has revealed a desperate need to prove to myself that I am on the same level as my peers.

Totally relate to this. A lack of confidence has utterly held me back, as well as a lack of clear direction, and a lack of advice, encouragement, role models. I wanted to do something, to make a difference, to make a better society but have ended up a cog in a bureaucratic machine and not doing a job hat lets me use my real talents and abilities. Depresses me o think about it too. I'm thinking of trying to find a way outside of work to make the contribution that I want to. Hope it makes you feel better not to be alone!

I'm the same age as you. I have achieved a lot career wise but definitely feel that I've 'failed' at getting into a good long term relationship and having children.

Realistically I only have a handful of years left to 'achieve' this. You have a long time left for your career to take off or take a different path.

I'm not being one of those 'you should be grateful for your DH and child' people at all; just saying that career isn't everything and nor is it the only way to 'fulfil your potential' in life.

I could have written OP's post. In early 40s, excellent degree, people I went to school with expected me to have a high-flying, high-earning career. Have had variety of not specially great jobs. Retrained as primary school teacher and hated the complete lack of work-life balance. Spent all my time doing stuff related to my job. Wondering what to do next but feel way too old to start again in a 'proper' career and haven't got a particular interest in anything. Have always had a lack of confidence and not much ambition despite being very successful academically a long time ago. Had major MH illness after university. Sometimes I feel down about it but this is my life and there's no going back in time so I can't complain really. However I feel I'm a poor example to my dc. Their father is probably a better one from the work aspect.

Oh yes. In my case I had a slow start due to major low confidence issues and no social support (not counting pushy hypercritical dad here). Had very good education thanks to that same dad though. Also cos I picked a partner who came from an even more deprived background and ended up supporting him up to my level.

My biggest problem though is that my profession, librarianship, has been effectively destroyed by austerity. So not entirely my fault. And having spent some time in unis to get qualified, do not feel I now have the time of money to retrain in something useful like pharmacy or occupational therapy, which would be my choice now. (I'm 40). Would need to do a levels too I expect.

Currently I'm a sahm, hoping to grab something in libraries but could, with 2 young kids to worry about, end up on a checkout or something.

In the public libraries, where I'd prefer to be, my older colleagues thought I had great potential and would be doing useful upper level things, but I did not, do not ( and tbh don't want ) to have the knack of brown nosing senior management, so bit limited there. Public librarians defunct now anyway.

Very bitter about it as librarianship is needed more than ever in Information Age: this is just about finding easy targets to help the rich get richer.

You are only 20 years into your working life, with another 30 say, to go. Its not too late surely?

Stinking can I ask a daft question, how do I pm

I heard of aviation psychology that's what I would like to do but first you have to do clinical

Open University. Do part time courses, part time work, use their fantastic tutors/career advisors for advice. Pick something you're interested in to start and see where it leads.

Idealist very slightly off-topic, but how completely shocking and depressing to read about what has happened to public librarianship. Keep being idealist though...

I couldn't tell people that I was retraining yet again. I just look like a serial loser...

And doesn't the OU cost a lot of money?