Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

husband forgot my birthday and I just can't get over it

128 replies

pigwidgeon991 · 08/04/2014 12:02

Completely forgot my birthday and had to be reminded that morning. Absolutely no effort whatsoever to make it up to me in any way. Came home and said I was going to go out at lunch and buy you a new mop (sad) but I didn't have time. Cried about it last night and he was very very sorry but I just can't get my head round why he hasn't tried to make it up to me. I can think of ten thousand things he could have done. He could even have just sent me an email in the day saying I'm so sorry for forgetting I love you, you are marvellous let's go out for dinner together sometime soon or something.

I know he isn't going to try and make it up to me so I need to just try and forget about it but I feel just so so sad and can't shake it. I am desperate for him to just make a little effort to make me feel cared about. Feel like such a blob of a person just bearing children, cooking meals, going to work etc. Want to be made to feel a bit special, attractive, girly etc for once. While he is wonderful he never ever makes me feel special of attractive or does anything nice for me. He is a great DH though and I'm sure very helpful with life stuff compared to some husbands (still obviously isn't 50/50 though).

Normally I wouldn't expect much at all on my birthday, don't think it is a huge deal. Just wanted a cup of tea, card and a little something to open. Now I feel like every hour that goes by that he still hasn't made it up to me I want something more to make up for it.

So tell me, AIBU? As in is this just marriage and really in the scheme of things not so bad when your DH is a lovely person?

OP posts:
Fairenuff · 08/04/2014 15:38

Maybe he's like me and couldn't care less about birthdays?

Do you not buy anyone birthday cards or presents then Tea, or wish them a happy birthday? Not even members of your own family?

HolgerDanske · 08/04/2014 15:40

Even if he doesn't care about birthdays, he should care about his wife's feelings. He's supposed to love her, he's supposed to care if he's upset her.

Dilidali · 08/04/2014 15:40

OP, it is slightly beside the point, but why don't you celebrate your own birthday?
Take yourself in the garden with a cup of tea/glass of wine and buy yourself something you always wanted, browse the internet untill something pretty and meaningful catches your eyes, be it a small pile of books, a necklace or book a pedicure ready for the summer :)

Happy birthday!

thebody · 08/04/2014 15:48

A mop!! A fucking bastard mop! Bloody hell op I eoukd be shoving said mop up his tight arse if I were you

Right. Can you go out? Have you got a friend your can go out with?

If yes just go. No note. Go shopping/meal/whatever.

If he calls don't answer the phone. Be out all evening or one day at the weekend when he is in, so it leaves him on his own.

He needs to sweat on where you are! He needs to miss you.

Mop indeed.

Purplepoodle · 08/04/2014 15:52

My oh is rubbish with birthdays, I know he's rubbish. So about a month before my birthday, I ask him if he would ask his mum as I would really like to do x,y,z with him for my birthday. He happily wanders off and sorts it out. I know I'm going to get the 'he should do it by himself blah blah' but I know he isn't and this way stops fights and my feelings getting hurt.

HolgerDanske · 08/04/2014 16:01

If it were just a matter of being a bit crap at the whole thing then yes, the above is what I would do as well. I would have a wish list on amazon for him to pick something out that would still be a half-surprise, and I would make it clear that all I want is a little gift from that list and a meal out organised by him.

But I think there is a lot more to this than birthdays. No one should feel invisible to the person who is supposed to love and cherish them.

Pipbin · 08/04/2014 16:30

Today is my birthday. Now I'm not big on birthdays but as we are both off work we have had a cup of tea in bed, day out and going out for dinner tonight.

I'm not a birthday princess and would have been just as happy with a cup of tea and something to open.

I think this is symptomatic of the rest of your relationship. Part of the deal of a marriage is that you make each other feel special, loved and important.
Do you have children? Did they remember? My folks have been married for 41 years, each year I have to remind my dad when my mums birthday is.

MaryWestmacott · 08/04/2014 16:35

Thing is, if you are married to someone who doesn't 'do' birthdays, then fine, don't do them. You only get to decide you can't be bothered with your own birthday, beyond that, it's considered just basic manners to make a minimum effort for other people you claim to care about. And minimum effort here is a brew in bed, a card and saying happy birthday. Really not diamonds and fine dining!

Birthdays are celebrated in this culture, it's the normal thing to do to celebrate birthdays, albeit that different families do it to different levels. If you are going to do something that you know is different to the norm, you need to check that the other people you have chosen to spend your life with agree. Early on, actually say "I don't do birthdays and will not celebrate yours in anyway, not even wish you happy birthday, is that ok or not?" because having a relationship long enough to have a marriage and DCs then just decide you don't want to do birthdays anymore and expect to inflict that on the person you love is going to look like you've decided they don't matter anymore. Their feelings aren't important to you.

So can we all just drop the "I don't do birthdays so it's fine" argument, because it's not unless pre-agreed that the OP won't do birthdays either. If you want do be different to the bulk of society, the onus should be on you to say so and negotiate this within your relationship.

RedRoom · 08/04/2014 16:45

Do you have a joint account? Send yourself some flowers or buy yourself a little gift. That will show him what he could have bothered to do.

There is not really any excuse for his utter thoughtlessness when it has caused you such hurt and upset. The reminders and hints should have sufficed: why has he still done nothing? He has taken you for granted and not made you feel appreciated: you have every right to be upset. He needs to deal with this by using his brain to come up with some sort of belated surprise / treat. As you say, it doesn't need to be expensive- it just needs to show a modicum of effort has been made to make you feel nice.

A good lesson for him should this ever happen again might be no birthday or Christmas presents for him. Then he'll realise how crap it feels for his spouse to make absolutely zero effort.

Ps the mop is an absolute joke. Who the hell wants a sodding mop for their birthday? Were you supposed to celebrate all the non-existent excitement by washing the floor? For the love of God.

Happy birthday, btw x

SlimJiminy · 08/04/2014 16:54

Are you absolutely sure he hasn't got something special planned that you don't know about? A weekend away or something?!

If you're sure he hasn't made plans and is trying to throw you off the scent, then definitely go out and celebrate with friends instead. And definitely don't acknowledge his birthday.

I've been thinking about what I'd do in your situation and - like you - I'm not a birthday princess or anything, but a brew and a card would be nice. I'd probably go out and have a glass of wine with my friend too if DH was determined not to do anything to mark the occasion and any excuse to have a glass of wine, quite frankly

Laquitar · 08/04/2014 16:58

Very well said Mary!

Gen35 · 08/04/2014 16:58

Tell him you're unhappy and book yourself a proper treat right now, not a mop. Show your family that you are important, don't stand for it. Girls' weekend away? Night out? Visit to see old friend on your own somewhere? Session of facials while he looks after his dc? Don't wait, show him. You're not being entitled, he's just not making an effort...

Fairenuff · 08/04/2014 17:23

Absolutely Mary.

I'm not sure how anyone can fail to understand that very basic courtesy.

Just saying "I'm not fussed about birthdays, so no-one else should be either" is ignorant and insensitive imo.

Original poster
pigwidgeon991 · 08/04/2014 17:38

I think consideringadoption you are probably right on this. He did repeatedly say that it was 'too late' to do anything and sheepishly asked shall I go out and get something from the shops for us to have for dinner?

Wrote him a raging email today and then we spoke on the phone and he said please you aren't giving me a chance to make it up to you. So giving benefit of the doubt that he'll be home with dancing elephants etc. I'm thinking it needs to be after the crap day I had yesterday. There were lets of excuses about how busy he had been at work (I work full time as well but still manage to do everything for our DC, make his dinner etc etc!)

I would absolutely have stormed off out with friends if it weren't for having to be at home for DCs (I comeback from working In town to pick them up).

Am surprised at being called VU but I suppose I did ask AIBU and its good to go get a balanced view. I am probably overreacting a bit as am very preg and tired. Starting to just feel so put upon, like this is just the plight of being a woman!

OP posts:
Aeroflotgirl · 08/04/2014 17:44

I agree with lequitar, he knows it makes you unhappy ye tge still does it. It does not take much to put a little effort for your significant other. Sounds as though he does not care! Bragmatic what is wrong with wanting your loved to put in a little effort for your birthday, op is not asking the whole world to rejoice and a fanfare Hmm.

Aeroflotgirl · 08/04/2014 17:47

Tell him no it's nit too late, you would like to do so etching nice with him. I know you book a restaurant and find someone to look after the kids, make sure he has his credit card at the ready. Grin

HolgerDanske · 08/04/2014 18:01

Aw ww it sounds as if he is going to make it better, hopefully. Happy birthday and I hope he makes you smile tonight and more often In future. Please try to get him to understand what this is actually about, though. Sounds as if you two need some time to just be and reconnect as a couple. Is there anyone who can babysit every month or so to allow you a few hours with each other? I know a new little one is on the way and it'll be even more important for you both to be on the same page. Don't let yourself be taken for granted!

Topseyt · 08/04/2014 18:10

I am not a birthday princess either. A cup of tea and a card will do me and I expect little.

However, it seems he didn't even acknowledge your birthday at first, let alone try to make amends once he realised his mistake and that would rankle. He ought to have at least offered to buy your favourite takeaway for dinner that night with a bottle of wine thrown in so that you hardly had to worry about cooking except for the children.

Maybe he felt very sheepish about it, and hence his somewhat defensive reactions now.

Topseyt · 08/04/2014 18:13

Oh, and I should have said Happy Birthday by the way, even though it is probably a day or two belated by now. Wine

hamptoncourt · 08/04/2014 18:30

YANBU he sounds a total wanker. My last boyfriend forgot my birthday. I know he did it deliberately to "put me in my place."

I LTB cos I am like that. It was a symptom of what was wrong in our relationship.

The fact you have had to go nuclear to get him to do "anything at all, under extreme duress" would totally spoil it for me.

I would be expecting a weekend in Paris as a bare minimum and making it clear his "less than" treatment of me had repercussions and I was considering my future.

Happy Birthday OP. You deserve better than this.

MetellaEstMater · 08/04/2014 18:36

Happy birthday!

I'd be livid. Well actually my first assumption would be that it was all part of an elaborate surprise and that DH was whisking me off somewhere fantastic for the evening or weekend. But if that wasn't the case I would be mad as hell, then really upset. Birthdays are a big deal in my family - it's a chance to spoil the people you love, regardless of their age.

So YANBU and I really hope you have good news later!

LoveBeingCantThinkOfAName · 08/04/2014 18:46

Doesn't matter what anyone else thinks, if he's not doing what your family does then yes he crap. Hope you got your dancing elephants

thebody · 08/04/2014 18:48

And you are pregnant!! A mop!! Words fail me. Well not completely. He better pull something out if the bag here.

Original poster
pigwidgeon991 · 08/04/2014 19:03

Has just arrived home. No elephants that I can see but maybe they are waiting outside until DC in bed?

OP posts:
Fathertedfan · 08/04/2014 19:25

Happy birthday for yesterday. I am incandescent with rage on your behalf. There had better be some seriously good present to make up for this one. And next year I would advise that you go out together a month before your birthday and choose a present for you, so this doesn't happen again.