husband forgot my birthday and I just can't get over it

[pigwidgeon991]

Completely forgot my birthday and had to be reminded that morning. Absolutely no effort whatsoever to make it up to me in any way. Came home and said I was going to go out at lunch and buy you a new mop (sad) but I didn't have time. Cried about it last night and he was very very sorry but I just can't get my head round why he hasn't tried to make it up to me. I can think of ten thousand things he could have done. He could even have just sent me an email in the day saying I'm so sorry for forgetting I love you, you are marvellous let's go out for dinner together sometime soon or something.

I know he isn't going to try and make it up to me so I need to just try and forget about it but I feel just so so sad and can't shake it. I am desperate for him to just make a little effort to make me feel cared about. Feel like such a blob of a person just bearing children, cooking meals, going to work etc. Want to be made to feel a bit special, attractive, girly etc for once. While he is wonderful he never ever makes me feel special of attractive or does anything nice for me. He is a great DH though and I'm sure very helpful with life stuff compared to some husbands (still obviously isn't 50/50 though).

Normally I wouldn't expect much at all on my birthday, don't think it is a huge deal. Just wanted a cup of tea, card and a little something to open. Now I feel like every hour that goes by that he still hasn't made it up to me I want something more to make up for it.

So tell me, AIBU? As in is this just marriage and really in the scheme of things not so bad when your DH is a lovely person?

[pigwidgeon991]

Hecate are you saying you ignore your birthday completely? As in no one even says anything?

I do agree re anniversaries or Valentine's day. I don't know when my anniversary is either. I have just never heard of anyone who doesn't even want someone to say happy birthday to them

[Itsfab]

Part of being married if doing things for your husband or wife because it is important to them, even if it doesn't matter to you.

[HecatePropylaea]

yup. I ignore my birthday completely and considering I hit the big 40 last year, anyone who wishes to remain intact had better ignore the fucker too

Seriously though, I honestly don't care about it. I can tell that sounds really weird to you but it's true.

but that's not the point. I wasn't trying to justify your husband. I hope my posts have been recognised by you as supportive and the suggestions as intended as helpful. I was simply speculating as to possible reasons why your husband might not have really understood that the birthday was something that was important to you - but since you later said actually yes, you have told him how you feel - that's irrelevant too because he does know!

please don't beat me for not caring about my birthday have and

[clairealfie]

Ah Pigwidgeon, totally get why you'd be mighty annoyed with him. You're not after the moon on a stick just a cup of tea, a card and a little pressie. I would expect major grovelling and whisking you out for a meal (or nice takeaway) for forgetting.

Don't get me started on the mop insult!

[JeDeLo]

My husband forgot mine last year too, but I gave him a lifeline in the morning and by the evening he'd rustled up a nice bottle of perfume and a dinner reservation - and I was happy after that. It is very upsetting that he hasn't even bothered to rectify his mistake - he needs some kind of punishment. Can you get hold of his credit card and go and check yourself into a nice hotel for a night, have some treatments and a bottle of prosecco and leave him to think about what a selfish arsehole he is? Failing that, I'd mention his neglect to friends and family because his shame receptors don't seem to work properly and they need a little kick start.

[Clutterbugsmum]

I think the main issue here is he is listening and saying all the right things, he loves you, he appreciates you but his actions are shouting that he doesn't.

[Laquitar]

I agree with Hells.
He is not wonderful.

I know the term 'passive aggressive' is overused on mn but i think that's what he is. He knows it upsets you so much yet he still does it.
He knows what would make you very happy yet he refuses to do it.
You know what would piss him off? To see him happy without needing him to make you happy. Take this power away from him.Go and celebrate with your friiends and buy yourself some small presents and gifts.
And leave him home to do a trial test on the new mop.

[Fairenuff]

While he is wonderful he never ever makes me feel special of attractive or does anything nice for me. He is a great DH though and I'm sure very helpful with life stuff compared to some husbands (still obviously isn't 50/50 though).

No, he really isn't wonderful. He's not a great dh.

If the best you can say about him is 'very helpful with life stuff compared to some husbands' then you are settling for much less than you are worth.

[HumphreyCobbler]

has he ignored your birthday before? And what happens on his birthday?

I think he is being actively horrible actually, you have told him that you are upset and he does not care enough to make it up to you.

So sorry you had a shit birthday. I would care, massively.

[HolgerDanske]

Please do tell us, what is he like about his birthday? Is it an unspoken rule that everyone had better remember and make a fuss or does he genuinely not consider it a big deal? If the latter he might be forgiven for forgetting, but even if that is the case, he has been hugely dismissive in not making it up to you.

Being hugely apologetic isn't good enough - he needs to demonstrate it.

This is about much more than your birthday. I hope that something can be done to fix this for you.

[Nanny0gg]

No, he really isn't wonderful. He's not a great dh.

^^ This.

At best he is thoughtless and unkind.

At worst he is downright horrible.

Having seen you so upset, what did he actually say, other than a pathetic 'sorry'?

[YouTheCat]

Knowing that it's something important to you (and you aren't expecting the moon on a stick), should be enough to motivate him to action. It hasn't.

I don't care if he says he appreciates you. Actions speak louder than words and he needs to stop being a twat.

[Topaz25]

I would be upset too. It sounds like you do a lot for other people and you deserve a nice day for you. You've even spelled this out to him and made suggestions, so it's not that he doesn't know what to do. He knows you feel unappreciated, he knows what to do to make you feel better and he still doesn't do it. That speaks louder than words. There seems to be an underlying issue that needs to be resolved here, have you considered couples counselling?

[Gurnie]

Yanbu at all to be upset, I think most people would be and then the "gesture" of the mop that didn't even materialise.....well maybe it's for the best that it didn't!

I don't know if it helps to know this but I have 2 very dear friends and both of their DH's are like this. It is painful to observe especially as my wife (we are both women) is fantastic at presents, surprises and gestures. These guys rarely remember their wives birthdays and the presents offered are woeful. I don't mean they're not expensive, none of my friends are interested in only receiving expensive things, but it is literally now a situation where they say "you can get yourself something of Amazon if it's really important to you"

I'm not sure what to advise since both of these men are two of the most hardworking, kind, caring, supportive partners you can imagine. They just don't "get" gifts and gestures like that. I will say they have improved slightly over the years but only slightly!

[bragmatic]

He's not an arsehole, or horrible. Good god. How many birthdays have you had? Enough for them not to be so much of a big deal, I'd imagine.

[Aeroflotgirl]

Oh no pidge, happy birthday. I would second the heart to heart, lay down your expectations. A month before your birthday drop big fat hints to him, that's what I did with dh after a similar experience, and he's got it right ever since. Have a and

[realitygone]

Not read the whole thread.

last year my dh forgot valentines, my birthday, mothersday and our anniversary.

Didn't get a thing. We had a lot going on but it really hurt my feelings.

If your dh is usually a very lovely husband I would.forgive him x

[Aeroflotgirl]

Gosh even after the big fat hints you gave him, he did nothing , he does not sound like he respects or appreciates you, the birthday has been the icing on the cake. You need to have that big talk now!

[Comeatmefam]

Yes bragmatic, well done for knowing the Mumsnet rule of implying anyone who just wants a cup of tea and a 'happy birthday' is a foot stomping princess....

OP your husband has been thoughtless and unkind knowing that this has made you feel even more invisible and put upon than you are already feeling. I think there's nothing you can do except for talk to him again really .

[bragmatic]

…or that he is an 'arsehole'..Indeed.

[consideringadoption84]

I'm sorry, I would have been gutted too.

Maybe he feels that, now he's forgotten it, it's done and he can't fix it? So he's on a massive guilt trip, trying to ignore it and hope it goes away, meanwhile you're feeling worse and worse?

I can remember my Dad forgetting his wedding anniversary once. He apologised and was very shamefaced. My Mum was really upset and the conversation went something like this:
Mum: saying sorry doesn't fix it. You could at least have brought home some flowers and taken me out for dinner.
Dad: I'm really sorry. Shall I go and get some flowers and we can go out for dinner.
Mum: (scathing look) No! I don't want to do that now! You're only saying it because I suggested it!
Dad: (confused) But ... didn't you suggest it because you want to do it!
Mum: No! I wanted you to think of it. And you didn't. So now there's nothing you can do.
Dad: Oh.

I think I felt a bit sorry for both of them!

[TeaAndALemonTart]

Maybe he's like me and couldn't care less about birthdays?

I can't imagine being upset because I didn't get treated differently on my birthday.

I appreciate I'm in the minority but UABVU.

[Gruntfuttock]

I feel exactly the same as you, TeaAndALemonTart It's far too trivial to get upset about.

[YouTheCat]

I can't believe a 'cup of tea and a happy birthday' is considered having over the top expectations.

[HolgerDanske]

It isn't the birthday, really. It's about a fundamental lack of kindness and thoughtfulness. He doesn't appreciate her or is spectacularly bad at showing it (which means the same thing, when it comes right down to it) and never does anything kind for her. She is feeling unappreciated and undervalued.

It is fine to want a fuss, however small, made on one's birthday and that is not the issue here.

Pigwidgeon, the only thing I can think is that maybe he has planned something to make it up to you but just hasn't thought to email you about it from work, which might actually be fair enough. But the fact that you say you know he won't do anything speaks volumes as to his character and your general relationship dynamic and doesn't bode well for this sorting itself out.

You deserve to be happy and to be more than just a cook and housemaid in your husband's eyes. Tell him again and see if you can get to the bottom of it together.