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AIBU?

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Original poster

dd is not invited to DH brother's wedding

341 replies

argyll · 05/04/2014 23:32

DH brother is getting married in Dorset in Sept and we live over 500 miles away in Argyll. Although being initially told it would be ok to take dd they have changed their minds and now said it would not be fair on all their friends with children (who all live locally) to make an exception for us. dd with be 18 months at time of wedding and as all dh family will be at wedding and my mother is not physically able to look after her we have no-one to leave her with (not sure i would be happy to leave her that distance away anyway). Our only solution as i can see it is for dh to go himself, as it would cause to many problems if he didn't. Do you think im being unreasonable to be upset over this.

OP posts:
quietlysuggests · 06/04/2014 17:36

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Bunbaker · 06/04/2014 17:39

I think it depends on your family background. Both OH and I come from families that are quite scattered and getting together for something like a wedding is a family occasion - that includes children as well. As a result I think a child free request for a family wedding is odd.

Now, if I was invited to a friend's wedding I wouldn't expect the invitation to include DD, or even OH if it was someone at work for instance who didn't know my family.

Morgause · 06/04/2014 17:42

I don't see how a child running up and down can possibly spoil a wedding if you are getting married for the right reasons and having a wedding day for the right reasons, i.e. to celebrate marrying someone you love with people you love. Spoilt it for who? It is not the theatre.

The wedding was being recorded so that they could enjoy the day again and again. The most important moment - the moment when they made their vows in front of the alter was forever ruined for her by brattish behaviour. No one could hear them making their promises because some parents thought their child running up and down and making a noise was "cute". It wasn't cute it was embarrassing and awful, made all the worse by the parents not even attempting to restrain the child.

Bunbaker · 06/04/2014 17:46

The problem is the stupid parents really, not the children who don't know any better.

SauvignonBlanche · 06/04/2014 17:46

The wedding was being recorded so that they could enjoy the day again and again.

So children might spoil the video? Well that makes sense.Hmm

saintlyjimjams · 06/04/2014 17:51

It's not really brattish behaviour. It's normal behaviour for a toddler. My only toddler who would have sat still and quietly through the service was my severely autistic one (he saved running up and down for when he was bigger). So definitely not engaging in typical behaviour.

Up to the parents to decide whether the behaviour is so intrusive it's ruining the service. I tend to assume everyone around me is a miserable harridan sucking lemons so take them out before even the most wizened old bag could complain about their noise. But if someone makes the the wrong call with a toddler - the children are hardly being brattish or appallingly behaved they're just being kids.

If hearing every word was that important to me & I thought someone might sit through a howling child and not remove them I'd just have a word before the service. Or ask the guy filming to have a word before the bride arrives 'so sorry everyone, my microphone picks up every noise so I'm going to ask if your child makes a noise to please remove them, sorry to be such a pain, but I'm hoping to produce a really lovely memory of the day for b&g'. It's not that hard really.

SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius · 06/04/2014 18:00

If I'd chosen to have a video of my wedding, I would want to be able to hear the important bits, when we made our vows to each other - I don't think that would be dreadfully precious.

And the church part of the wedding mattered to me - the promises we were making were the central part of the day, and we'd invited people to be there to share and witness that bit of the wedding - so I don't think it is that unacceptable to want guests to be able to hear that bit without children running up and down making too much noise.

But Bunbaker is right - it's not the children's fault - the parents should either get their children to sit reasonably quietly, or should take them out. We once got complimented on how well ds1 (aged 20 months) had behaved during my friends' wedding ceremony - we had to own up to the fact that he'd been a mile away, in the car in Sainsburys car park with dh, having been whisked out when we felt he was causing a disturbance.

Raxacoricofallapatorius · 06/04/2014 18:04

We had almost the same problem only it was my brother's wedding and even though my dB and sil's DC would be there, my own bf dd was uninvited with a month to go. It caused so, so many arguments. I was desperately upset as I couldn't leave my ebf baby and my db and sil called me rude for saying I couldn't go. In the end they relented and said I could bring her and it turned out they'd invited all of their friends' DC anyway. They pointed out it wasn't child free, but invitation only. SIL ignored me all day, I'm in no photos and she says I ruined her day. She has never forgiven me.

Only1scoop · 06/04/2014 18:07

Awful that people actually fall out over weddings. Hmm

Abra1d · 06/04/2014 18:09

Our choice was this:

We could have 110 guests at our venue.

My husband's friends between them had 25 children. Not including our nephews and nieces (nine).

We said no non-family children except babes in arms. Otherwise we would have had over a third of the placed at the reception going to children.

Only1scoop · 06/04/2014 18:10

Makes sense Abra

SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius · 06/04/2014 18:12

That was why our friends said only the children of close relatives, Abra1d - and I thought that was perfectly reasonable.

TheCrackFox · 06/04/2014 18:20

"wedding was being recorded so that they could enjoy the day again and again...."

Does anyone actually watch those wedding videos? I can't imagine anything more boring.

shewhowines · 06/04/2014 18:20

Hopefully they will rethink when they realise you really can't go.

We made exceptions for those that really couldn't get a babysitter. People understood.

expatinscotland · 06/04/2014 18:23

We have been subjected to other people's wedding videos after dinner parties. Ugggh. What a waste of good wine.

monkeynuts123 · 06/04/2014 18:24

People who have child-free wedding cause their guests a lot of hassle and inconvenience to have everything their way, very entitled. Simple. I don't recall mentioning divorce.

ICanSeeTheSun · 06/04/2014 18:31

I have a total of 12 nieces and nephews, only 1 didn't come due to being born 18 months after the wedding.

I put a statues saying if anybody wanted to come PM me.

Cheap and cheerful and to this day people still comment on DH and I wedding.

Topseyt · 06/04/2014 18:31

Each to their own with regard to whether or not they want children at their wedding. There are even some reception venues where children are actively discouraged. I can see that.

However, many of us just don't have easy childcare options immediately on tap, so people really do just have to understand that if the children cannot go then maybe at least one of the parents may be unable to attend too.

It is a perfectly valid reason for declining the invitation. Half of me might like to go to the wedding and meet with the wider family, but the other half would be relieved to have the ideal excuse not to go.

Abra1d · 06/04/2014 18:32

we had to own up to the fact that he'd been a mile away, in the car in Sainsburys car park with dh, having been whisked out

Ha, SDT!

Mothergothel99 · 06/04/2014 18:33

Perfectly fine to not want children, perfectly fine to not want to leave your child.
I wouldn't go, neither would DH. Their loss.

SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius · 06/04/2014 18:33

You didn't use the word divorce, monkeynuts but you said you'd be delighted to see a couple (who'd had a child-free wedding) fall apart at the seams when children arrived - I took that to mean the relationship breaking up - but even if 'all' you meant was that you'd be delighted to see them having relationship problems once children arrived - it would still be pretty unkind to be 'delighted' by that, wouldn't it?

CountessOfRule · 06/04/2014 18:34

We're planning to show our wedding video at our anniversary party (in the background IYSWIM, not as an event itself). That'll be its, what, fourth outing? Two of the others were for frail elderly relatives who hadn't been able to go in person.

expatinscotland · 06/04/2014 18:38

Just don't show it without some other way for the guests to distract themselves. Weddings are boring.

CountessOfRule · 06/04/2014 18:50

It's going to be part of the "ten years of marriage" photo montage. And no sound.

Friends did similar at their wedding reception after a foreign beach wedding and it was lovely. If you were chatting you didn't notice; if you happened to look over you thought "nice frock".

Meanwhile, food and drink Wink

nooka · 06/04/2014 19:04

We didn't get much choice about babies/children or not at our wedding as my parents are very traditional so my mother decided who to invite (dh and I got a small allowance, his family got a slightly bigger one). I would have been very sad if my mother had decided to exclude children, but she didn't because being old school she also believed weddings are family occasions. We had a late afternoon wedding and an evening reception, so I am sure some people didn't come or used babysitters, but that was their choice, not some weird 'you don't know that you will enjoy yourself more without children so we've done you a favour by excluding them' type rationale.

My niece is severely autistic and although non verbal she is very noisy. I would never dream of excluding her from a party/event because it would be very very upsetting to my sister and also because she is my niece and I love her. I would however try and organise some help for her parents so that they didn't have to be on duty, and I would talk to them in advance and see what would work best for them. She was very little when we got married, and I seem to recall carrying her around a bit during the party. Some of the best photos from our wedding are of the smallest guests.