dd is not invited to DH brother's wedding

[argyll]

DH brother is getting married in Dorset in Sept and we live over 500 miles away in Argyll. Although being initially told it would be ok to take dd they have changed their minds and now said it would not be fair on all their friends with children (who all live locally) to make an exception for us. dd with be 18 months at time of wedding and as all dh family will be at wedding and my mother is not physically able to look after her we have no-one to leave her with (not sure i would be happy to leave her that distance away anyway). Our only solution as i can see it is for dh to go himself, as it would cause to many problems if he didn't. Do you think im being unreasonable to be upset over this.

I can understand them not wanting small children as I've been to quite a few weddings that were spoiled by them running up and down and making a noise. However I feel they could have made an exception as you live so far away and are such a close relative.

I'm with Morgause - running up and down the aisle is outside the bounds of acceptable behaviour. Some noise wouldn't bother me, but that's going too far, and the parents shouldn't allow it.

I think YABU..it's their wedding, not yours.

Yes, i had a child free wedding. I have a child of my own (baby at the time) who was there (but slept through all of it) but I really did not want to make an exception for some kids over others. In our mind, it was all or none. So DH's nephew wasn't invited. He was about the same age as your DD is. Honestly - we really did not want a toddler running around. It was fab having an adult only wedding. The parents were able to let their hair down and have adult conversations without worrying about their kids or being interrupted.

However, I do think THEY were unreasonable to change their minds initially. Either find childcare, or you don't go. Is it really that big a deal for you to attend? I personally wouldn't be bothered about attending DH's brother's wedding - would be a great excuse to get out of it!

I think it's out of order when people get shitty about who is and who isn't invited. You and your DH have had an invite. Either go graciously, or don't go, but don't have a paddy about it and complain that the bride and groom are out of order.

Oh and FWIW, my MIL threw a strop about her grandson not being invited. A massive strop. It's affected the way I view her now, given that she clearly felt in the right to dictate to a bride and groom about their wedding day. It's only one day!!! Just because you may feel wedding are all about family and children, doesn't mean everyone else does.

OP has the solution. DH is going on his own. The only solution if people have travel huge distances, stay overnight and have small children. It seems sensible to me.

TBH I've never been at a wedding where anyone has allowed their child to run up and down an aisle (not that it would bother me hugely if they did - but every wedding I have been to restless children have been taken out). I might have heard a short amount of crying, while someone escapes out the door, or a whispered conversation but have never seen a wedding 'ruined' by a child. I think even if a child is noisy for a bit of a the service you have to be a bit precious to proclaim a wedding 'ruined' by normal behaviour from young children.

Allowing a baby to scream for an entire service might come under that heading, but I can't imagine anyone not taking their child out in that situation.

I am all for people finding babysitters, but I used to have mine around in the day first, with me, so they got to know them and then it was all in their own home when they were asleep. There is no way I would leave a toddler with a stranger for a whole day 500 miles from their own home!! Mad idea.

We went to a family event yesterday with a religious element. There were children there - maybe 10% of the total headcount.

They varied widely in behaviour, from unnoticed to disruptive. It was charming to see them playing like children; less charming to hear some kind of electronic game beeping and whistling through the address and the prayers with parents looking on indulgently.

The hosts had done absolutely everything possible to make it child-friendly (toys, drawing, stickers, pick&mix table, uncomplicated food, etc) but they were not well repaid by all of their guests. They weren't asking for hours of silence, only maybe ten minutes of keeping it down. And some people didn't even try to enforce that.

We married young, with no close family babies, so we could choose a grownup party venue and exclude children - we didn't even know any of the children associated with more distant relatives, colleagues, etc. And I'm still glad that's what we did.

We're having an anniversary party this summer and now nearly everyone has children, so we are planning a totally child-friendly afternoon event so they can all come.

If people plan childless weddings, and expect people to travel hundreds of miles with an overnight stay when they have children, they just have to expect that key guests won't make it.

I do snort at the 'our child free wedding allowed the other adults to have much more fun'.

If you invite kids and the parents don't want to bring them they don't have to. Whatever the invitation says they have a choice of a wedding without their children in attendance. When we were sorting numbers for our wedding I rang my friends with kids to ask whether they wanted to bring them - we had different options for catering depending on numbers. Some said they would have to, some said they would like to, some said absolutely not they'd rather walk over hot coals. By having children at the wedding we didn't force those who didn't want to bring them to take them along for the day.

Oh, yeah, I did it so the adults could have a fun night, as if it's some kind of favour.

Nope. We had a child free wedding because i work with children every single day. (as do a lot of our guests) Love them to bits. Just one day in my life where children are not the centre and not dictating attention left, right and centre (as lovely children do!)

Having kids at our wedding to me was frankly, my idea of work!!!

So many posters have said, "it's only one day'.Well, I totally agree - one day for the bride and groom to spend as they like!

I have no objection to dh & I receiving a 'no children' invitation. As long as the person doing the inviting doesn't get snotty if either or both of us can't attend.

I would be if that excluded me from a siblings wedding though (anyone in our family knows we cannot get babysitters). I'd be perfectly polite but

Extended family - cousins, aunts, uncles/friends/neighbours. Whatever. If one of us can go & it isn't too much hassle we will, if we can't we'll decline politely and I wouldn't think any more of it. I'm quite happy to attend a wedding while my husband babysits at home for the weekend. Am delighted to get a childfree weekend. But not for a siblings wedding - I'd want to be able to attend a siblings wedding with my family.

Personally I prefer a wedding with at least some children present (preferably other people's and not my own).

Yabu. Their wedding, their choice. Go and book a babysitter and enjoy the wedding knowing your dd is cared for.

A babysitter? 500 miles away. Or met on the day for the whole day.

That really only works with some children (would have worked with one of mine, definitely not the other two).

It's very easy, b and g can invite or not invite who they choose. The guest can turn down an invitation depending on how they feel. In this case the OPs dd sounded like they had an invite initially but was withdrawn which is very different.

I am so glad I got married abroad and avoided all this type of angst

Oh and FWIW, my MIL threw a strop about her grandson not being invited. A massive strop. It's affected the way I view her now, given that she clearly felt in the right to dictate to a bride and groom about their wedding day. It's only one day!!!

I'm sure it affected the way she views you too to be fair. You could say if it's only one day what's the harm in having the child there considering you are marrying his uncle?

I don't know, it just seems a bit mean to me!

Morgause they are well behaved indeed

A couple of kids at my wedding were a bit annoying during DH's speech but it was OK. They were children of step-siblings.

Most children were fine though. It's nice seeing wee ones enjoy themselves and sometimes they meet cousins or relatives they haven't seen before

We were once invited to a wedding where some children were invited - just not ours. We had been told we were all welcome but when the invitation arrived it was exceptionally rude - made it very clear an an attached print out that all children not personally named on the invitation were NOT invited. DS was not named so we declined (ds was ebf and the wedding was other side of country so 2 nights away and a lot of travelling), i told dh i wouldn't mind him going but he said he didn't want to after the rudeness of the invitation. We declined nicely, but they still were upset, called dh, demanded to know why we weren't going. Totally didn't understand why we wouldn't want a '3 day break' from our ebf baby . We haven't heard from them since. And i must say i personally do think it's all or nothing when children are involved.

If you live so far apart OP, do they feel particularly close to their niece? They are possibly closer to their friends children - i know i have less affection for my nieces who i see once a year compared to friends i see all the time. It's hard to bond when you live so far away. So i don't think they are BU.

If you can't go and decline and they kick up a fuss then they are BU. They have made their choice and have to live with the consequences of that. But i think you should just decline politely and let them know why.

I wonder if people who ask for child-free weddings are so self absorbed that they want every second of their guests attention and don't want little Archie pulling at their guests with his annoying demands. Look at me look at me screaches the bride!!!! Really? They think people are having a better time without their children present? If they wanted to go to a wedding without their kids they're perfectly capable of organizing that themselves and don't need a bridezilla giving them the go-ahead. If I were at a child-free wedding I wouldn't be glad to be without my kids, I'd be pissed off that I'm spending even more money to attend their precious wedding and I'd be clock watching to get back. I would also delight in seeing said married couple falling apart at the seams when their babies turn up and change their lives. These are narcissistic weddings where the darling bride can't bear the competition of pretty, funny and cute children. Sad really.

piano Clearly there is a bigger story here! We don't even know DH's nephew - he's estranged from his sister. Not as though nephew was someone who DH is very close to and part of his daily life. (I've met nephew once, DH has met him twice)

Both of us would have bet good money too on him screaming his way through either the vows or the speeches afterwards! Not the happiest of kids, let's put it that way

To be honest monkeynuts if you were my friend and that was your attitude I would rather you didn't come to my wedding so I could invite friends that actually wanted to be there. You sound bloody miserable.

The children at our wedding behaved impeccably. I wouldn't have expected less because SIL would have dealt with bad behaviour straight away.

monkeynuts Here, have one of these

I suggest you don't attend any child free weddings with such a negative, nasty attitude as yours!

Monkeynuts - you'd be 'delighted' to see a marriage break up? Delighted to see a child/children end up with divorced parents? Wow - how lovely of you!

I don't see how a child running up and down can possibly spoil a wedding if you are getting married for the right reasons and having a wedding day for the right reasons, i.e. to celebrate marrying someone you love with people you love. Spoilt it for who? It is not the theatre.

Why do so many people seem to assume that if a couple decide on no children then it's automatically got to be because the bride wants all the attention?

That seems a very odd assumption to make to me. I have children, I work with children, I generally think they are great, but at the last two weddings I have been to where it's been family children only so mine haven't been there, I didn't pay the children even a tiny bit of attention. Unless they are making noise at a quiet time of the day, they are incredibly easy to ignore, I have never seen children being the centre of attention at any wedding.

There are lots of reasons for not wanting children at your wedding, wanting more attention is very likely to not even enter the minds of most brides.