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AIBU?

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Original poster

dd is not invited to DH brother's wedding

341 replies

argyll · 05/04/2014 23:32

DH brother is getting married in Dorset in Sept and we live over 500 miles away in Argyll. Although being initially told it would be ok to take dd they have changed their minds and now said it would not be fair on all their friends with children (who all live locally) to make an exception for us. dd with be 18 months at time of wedding and as all dh family will be at wedding and my mother is not physically able to look after her we have no-one to leave her with (not sure i would be happy to leave her that distance away anyway). Our only solution as i can see it is for dh to go himself, as it would cause to many problems if he didn't. Do you think im being unreasonable to be upset over this.

OP posts:
Only1scoop · 06/04/2014 19:05

Wedding videos are truly hideous.

Remember the 80s style ones like my brothers wedding with wiggly writing at the beginning of the crackling film and satin cushions with rings perched upon. "Going to the chapel" in the background....the huge BBC size video recorder equipped with foam mike strapped to video man shoulder.

Pure comedy gold.

Truth is everyone hates watching em....

SconeRhymesWithGone · 06/04/2014 19:10

We showed our wedding video at our 25th anniversary party a couple of years ago. It was a big hit.

Pure comedy gold. Grin

MrsKoala · 06/04/2014 20:07

Someone filmed my first wedding then gave us the disc as a gift. I never watched it once, or had any desire too. They kept asking if we'd seen it and we had to lie. There was a reason we purposely didn't have it filmed on request - because we couldn't bear the idea of watching it on film. The idea i would watch my own wedding again makes me shudder, let alone anyone elses.

And as another aside, we were almost excluded from our own wedding reception because we had 3mo DS with us. We had booked an area of a pub which was near the registry office. We had never been there (as not near where we lived and a rushed wedding) so just spoke to the manager over the phone, booked food, cake, champers etc. On arrival the guys face dropped and he said, 'i didn't realise you would have children here, we have a no children policy'. After a bit of 'discussion' he agreed DS and nieces could stay, but if somebody in the pub complained they would have to leave. Fortunately no one complained - probably because we shared our cake and drinks with them Grin . But honestly it hadn't occurred to me to ask if it was okay. Lesson learned for next wedding Wink .

LittleMissDisorganized · 06/04/2014 21:14

I really don't get the problem of 1/3 or 1/2 or whatever of the seats being for children... if you want you friends, they come as a package, surely? So you have less adults - are people really queuing up to attend, are these the mustn't miss weddings of the decade??

EverythingCounts · 06/04/2014 21:26

Have sat down a few times with old friends when we have a rare get together to watch mine and DH's wedding video. It's great fun to watch your younger thinner selves dancing stupidly and remembering what a good day it was. Wine accompanies, of course.

saintlyjimjams · 06/04/2014 21:36

Aww you are lovely nooka.
Ds1 loves weddings. I would hate him to be excluded just because he's a non-verbal noisy over excited 5' 8". I would hope people know me well enough to know I would take him out if the noise was becoming inappropriate.

nooka · 06/04/2014 22:04

I think it's much harder once they are bigger. My niece is 18 and has the developmental age of a toddler. My mother really struggles with her (wanted to exclude her from my father's funeral because of the noise) but I think that for us it's one day out of many, whereas for my sister it's every day, and she is a part of the family - we'd not exclude her non disabled brother (his adoring cousins would kill us if we did!) so it would be saying that she was lesser somehow. Her big brother is also learning disabled and absolutely loves family parties, he would be gutted not be included. dn is fairly oblivious unless there are bright lights and good food!

I think with all these things it's a balance, are you asking someone because you love them, because you feel obligated, or because you want an audience?

MaryWestmacott · 06/04/2014 22:14

Littlemiss - surely it makes sense if there's a lot of DCs that could cause you to have to make choices between which friends you'd invite? We didn't have any little DCs at our wedding, because actually only one friend had DCs at that point, and the family children were all older - but if we got married now with the same invitees (7 years later!), there would be another 28 guests if all the orginal guests still went and brought their DCs - and the room couldn't fit another 28 people - so at some point, some of those couples we invited orginally would have to be dropped off the invite list. Or we could have gone child-free and have all the people we are friends with there. (or more likely had a more expensive venue!).

I know it's an unpopular view, but I'm friends with my friends, not their DCs. I regularly meet up with friends without their or my DCs in tow, I honestly don't see me and the kids as a package and would think it was really odd if (childcare issues to one side) friends wouldn't go out without their DCs ever.

BoffinMum · 06/04/2014 22:19

I don't go to child free weddings. Marriage is a social institution, not just an excuse for a frock and a piss up, and children are part of society.

nooka · 06/04/2014 22:23

Mary I'd say that there is a difference between family invitations and friend invitations. When I got married I didn't invite friends' partners or children because I didn't know them (unlikely I'd ever met them), but family you tend to know as a group (eg until my cousins left home if I saw my aunts/uncles I'd see my cousins too, they came as a package).

OddFodd · 06/04/2014 23:05

I think every situation's different. I have two friends with young DDs who I'd have as flower girls were I ever to get married whereas my family is very small and the children (apart from my own) are grown up.

This line is spot on nooka: I think with all these things it's a balance, are you asking someone because you love them, because you feel obligated, or because you want an audience?

ilovechips · 06/04/2014 23:08

My sister had a child free wedding. 250miles from where I live. My daughters, one of whom was babe in arms, were excluded. It was her wedding, her choice, which I respect. However she won't forgive me for not going, and I can't forget the fact she made it impossible for me to do so. Shame really.

MistressDeeCee · 06/04/2014 23:17

Ive never been to a child free wedding. I know there must be many as there are so many threads on here. It seems odd to me to exclude children. & it does seem parents who want to bring their children are often berated and thought to be 'precious'. All that comes across is that 'children are a nuisance' and that attitude is a real shame. I can't imagine looking back on wedding pics and not seeing several generations there. & Ive never been to a wedding where there are hoards of screaming children, nor where children have ruined the wedding in any way

A wedding is not just an casual party for an evening. Its a day plus evening event, factoring in travel it can spill into the early hours. Its safe to assume quite a few parents may not be able to make childcare arrangements due to the length of the day/evening. Not everyone lives near family and close friends who are able to help all day & most of night. Still, just as the bride/groom have the choice to exclude children from their wedding, parents have the choice not to attend if it would be disruptive to them. I wouldnt travel to a wedding 500 miles away without DCs. Its too far, may as well be abroad. I would send an explanation and a nice gift, and leave it at that.

GoshAnneGorilla · 06/04/2014 23:23

BoffinMum you have summed up my antipathy towards childfree weddings perfectly.

Bunbaker · 06/04/2014 23:32

I agree with BoffinMum.

I think back in the day weddings tended to have mainly family as guests and maybe one or two friends. These days it seems to be more friends than family.

OddFodd · 06/04/2014 23:37

Yes actually I'm minded to agree with Boffin too. Every wedding needs kids. Otherwise it just feels like a corporate event (if posh) or a birthday party (if not posh)

EverythingCounts · 06/04/2014 23:41

And there is this notion that the day has to be like something out of a magazine and anything that might disturb that even slightly can be justifiably excluded, even if it's the child of a close family member.

ilovechips - that is terribly sad. I can't believe someone wouldn't see how harsh it is to exclude children in such circumstances.

2rebecca · 06/04/2014 23:58

I've been invited to friends' weddings without kids but family weddings have always included my kids. As a friend you usually live near the wedding location as most couples these days have the wedding near where they actually live. Also if invited as a friend you have relatives you can get to babysit. Getting to a childfree relative's wedding umpteen miles away with your babysitters also going is much more inconvenient.
It seems a sign of a not very close family to me as I'd rather have my nieces and nephews at my wedding than cousins and many friends. We didn't have a video, we weren't making a film just getting married and as long as we could hear the vows we made to each other we didn't care if people at the back couldn't hear because of toddler mutterings, our relatives are also well behaved enough to take kids out if they started creating.

SconeRhymesWithGone · 07/04/2014 00:06

At the last wedding I went to, there were special dances for the children, including parent-child dances. It was one of the best weddings I have ever attended.

Shelby2010 · 07/04/2014 00:27

We got married a bit later in life so most of our friends & siblings already had kids. Didn't even consider not inviting them even tho they did make up about 1/4 of places at the reception. So we chose a venue that could fit in the guests we wanted & chose catering such that we could afford to feed that many. Really can't understand why people choose expensive venues and then cut the guest list because there isn't room? Just seems backwards to me!

At the only 'child-free' wedding we have been to, the B&G relaxed this to accommodate those who had travelled from long distances away and had children too young to leave behind. Everyone else understood. If your BIL & his fiancé don't understand this, then I can only assume that they are not really bothered if you come or not, apart from how it will 'look' to other guests if you're absent.

LibraryMum8 · 07/04/2014 03:49

YANBU for how you are 'feeling', I would feel the same way, it would be lovely if dd was invited. Since she wasn't, and of course they are well within their rights, I think the only thing is to send dh to the wedding alone with a nice gift.

LibraryMum8 · 07/04/2014 04:05

Oh and this happened to us too with dh's cousin. My MIL was 'positive' ds was invited but he wasn't. She offered to not attend the wedding to watch ds (but knowing her what she really meant was i should come all that way, and miss out on the ceremony and reception)

We declined. MIL was unhappy ds wasn't there. Well take it up with cousin! Now that they have a child I hope the exact same thing happens to them ! (Evil grin)

LibraryMum8 · 07/04/2014 04:09

Ilovechips exactly!! They have a right to be angry over a situation they caused?! Bloody hell.

RudyMentary · 07/04/2014 04:10

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ceres · 07/04/2014 06:04

"Really can't understand why people choose expensive venues and then cut the guest list because there isn't room? Just seems backwards to me!"

I do not like children at weddings. I find absolutely nothing 'cute' about tripping over children on the dance floor. I think weddings are generally adult events - certainly the weddings I have been to, and my own, have been adult orientated with plenty of wine and a sit down meal.

in my experience it is unusual for children to be invited to weddings and no-one in my social circle expects them to be. when we got married we didn't have one query asking whether children were invited, it's just taken for granted that they are not.

irl I have never heard anyone whinge that their little darlings have not been invited to a wedding.

however having said all that I have never known children in the immediate family NOT be invited - at our wedding our siblings children were part of the wedding i.e flower girls and page boys. this was because they are family, not that I wanted children to look 'cute' in the photos (I have seriously seen people post that they think this before now!!). there were four in total and three were toddlers so were in bed early and the parents were very happy to use the babysitting service provided by the hotel.