Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

dd is not invited to DH brother's wedding

341 replies

argyll · 05/04/2014 23:32

DH brother is getting married in Dorset in Sept and we live over 500 miles away in Argyll. Although being initially told it would be ok to take dd they have changed their minds and now said it would not be fair on all their friends with children (who all live locally) to make an exception for us. dd with be 18 months at time of wedding and as all dh family will be at wedding and my mother is not physically able to look after her we have no-one to leave her with (not sure i would be happy to leave her that distance away anyway). Our only solution as i can see it is for dh to go himself, as it would cause to many problems if he didn't. Do you think im being unreasonable to be upset over this.

OP posts:
whatever5 · 06/04/2014 11:57

YANBU to be upset. Their excuse that it would be unfair on their friends is ridiculous as it is not at all unusual for people to only invite nephews and nieces but no other children to a wedding.

Has your DH told them that you won't be able to come if they don't invite their niece. If they realise this but don't change their minds I would decide that they aren't worth bothering with in the future.

expatinscotland · 06/04/2014 11:58

No one owns a day. It's their wedding, fair enough, they can have what they want and you can decline going.

diddl · 06/04/2014 12:00

Bit rude to say that someone can go & then say that they can't though?

Cobain · 06/04/2014 12:00

I have been to some crap weddings both with children and child free. Always smile and let the couple know what I wonderful day it was. I have friends and family who talk of their wonderful day in blissful ignorance that for the guest it was not all that. When a couple decide to not include close family children there will be upset and depending on your family you may or may not never know. I would never like to feel that my special day caused heartache to those I loved, not just OP DH's brother but also the parents, grandparents. That our relationship whilst may still be good will never be the same be the same.

SauvignonBlanche · 06/04/2014 12:03

it is their day Hmm
Just the attitude BalloonSlayer was talking about.

mustbetimefortea · 06/04/2014 12:33

YY Cobain. Which guest is going to say to the B&G that they've missed sharing the occasion with their dcs? That would be terribly rude. As it's their day and you don't want to upset them you will tell them that you enjoyed being childfree - doesn't mean it's fully or partially the case.

Bunbaker · 06/04/2014 12:43

Hooray for BalloonSlayer

Expat Flowers

I got married in 1981. We took our guests into account. It was OH's and my day, but it was meant to be an enjoyable occasion for our guests as well.

We had a small wedding as we don't have large families or millions of friends. Also, in those days, it was traditional for the father of the bride to pay for the wedding and generally weddings were mainly family occasions. I did have a handful of friends there, but that's all. If we had had to pay for our wedding we would have just sneaked off to Gretna Green as we had no money. If we had asked for a child free wedding none of OH's family would have attended, or mine for that matter. We both come from families that value family as a concept and don't regard children as a nuisance. My niece was just short of two years old and wasn't at all disruptive.

I agree that so many brides have got out of hand and are so narcissistic these days. It is only one day. Getting married is about marriage after all, not just the wedding.

IsChippyMintonExDirectory · 06/04/2014 12:46

YANBU to be upset but it's their wedding, if they want to have no children there then it's just tough luck, I wouldn't fight it. But if there's no one to look after her then don't go, and tell them why you're not going.

Morgause · 06/04/2014 12:47

I've always enjoyed child free weddings far more than those where children run riot.

My DCs, although normally well behaved, would have been bored sick after an hour or so and my enjoyment would have been spoiled by having to make sure they were behaving properly.

I certainly wouldn't have sat back and let them misbehave which seems the norm for weddings I've been to with children there.

truelymadlysleepy · 06/04/2014 12:56

I love a child free wedding, especially with old mates. I've left my DSs with both sets of GPs on occasion. I've also declined if no childcare available and not been the slightest offended.
But if it was my brother I'd be very sad that he didn't want his only niece there.
Just decline & let DH go on his own if he wants to.

SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius · 06/04/2014 13:16

Dh and I went to a friend's wedding, and were told that they were sorry, but they couldn't invite our three dses (even thoughntheynare god parent to one of them) because of issued with capacity at the reception venue. They told us that relatives' children would be there, and they hoped we wouldn't be offended that these children could attend, but ours couldn't.

We were totally fine with this! We saw nothing unreasonable about them inviting the children of relatives, but not having enough space for the children of friends - and even if we hadn't felt that way, there is no way we would have said anything to them about it! because we wouldn't have wanted to make our friends feel bad.

Children of close relatives should come higher up the list for inclusion in the wedding guest list than children of friends - and if these people are real friends! they won't make the bride and groom feel bad for inviting their niece/niece-to-be, and not inviting the friends' children.

Bunbaker · 06/04/2014 14:14

SDTG That is fair enough. Your friends dealt with is sensibly and I can't see why anyone would have a problem with that.

I get the impression that some bridezillas just hate children (until they have their own), or have absolutely no idea that some parents just don't have backup childcare or don't feel happy about leaving their children.

dietcokeandwine · 06/04/2014 14:28

What truly said. I'm a fan of child free weddings generally, I genuinely don't understand people who take massive umbrage when their DC are not invited to friends' weddings. But it's a bit different with close family. I'd have felt sad too in your shoes OP.

We had a 'no children apart from close family and godchildren' rule at our wedding, so had two or three little ones and a few older (9-12 type age range) there. And all our friends who had children basically went 'hooray, we can enjoy ourselves properly!' and had no issue at all with their DC not being there, even though family children attended.

LittleMissDisorganized · 06/04/2014 14:35

I agree that children are persons! and I don't get any of these removing bits of family and causing so much pressure for the wedding day.

We got married with two witnesses.
What I need from my friends and family is their love and support in my marriage for the years that follow. Either making them spend a fortune on coming for one day, or offending them by dictating about their attendance.

If you use your wedding day to upset the people you are going to need for the next 10, 20, 30 years, then your marriage is rocky before it's started.

Morgause · 06/04/2014 14:50

Conversely if people try to dictate who you should have to your wedding they aren't likely to be that supportive in years to come.

OddFodd · 06/04/2014 14:55

The only thing to ever say about child-free weddings is this: it's absolutely your prerogative as B&G to have a child-free wedding but by the same token, its your guests' prerogative not to attend.

Having said that, I actually LOLed at the bridezilla who thought she was doing her guests a massive favour by excluding children :o

Aeroflotgirl · 06/04/2014 15:05

Fair enough tgey want a child free wedding, but have to accept you won't be able to come due to childcare issues.

pianodoodle · 06/04/2014 15:15

Some people are just dicks. Either that or not a very close family. My sister loves her neice and nephew, wouldn't dream of not having them at her wedding - she would want to see them!

LittleMissDisorganized · 06/04/2014 15:19

I guess that's true Morgause - but I wouldn't call this "trying to dictate" , that's a much stronger way of putting the OP's situation with her DD.

Morgause · 06/04/2014 15:32

I'm guessing your sisters niece and nephew know how to behave, Piano, and won't spoil the beautiful ceremony with bad behaviour.

ivanapoo · 06/04/2014 15:46

YANBU - mainly as they changed their mind but also because they are being a little thoughtless.

Also no way would I leave my child with a stranger for hours. We left our fairly chilled out DS with a sitter while we went to a funeral service (he was in the hall next door) - it was about 45 minutes but he whined & cried continuously and when I went in he was eating a boiled sweet! (He was 1 at the time). I wouldn't do it again unless absolutely necessary.

Could your DH explain the situation to them fully one more time before accepting/declining?

We had a nearly child free wedding, bar our 3 nieces/nephews, plus a newborn and one friend's toddler whose partner was away and had no family etc nearby.

We were happy to make reasonable exceptions like the above and spoke to guests we knew had young babies etc to discuss options with them.

Our reasoning for child free though was mainly space and seating... not because I wanted all the attention Hmm .

2rebecca · 06/04/2014 15:58

Sensible for you to decline, up to your husband whether he declines as well if he decides he doesn't fancy going alone but that's up to him. Dorset is a pain to get to so maybe a lucky escape it's child free. Visit them and spend a week in the area after the wedding and take the present down then.

saintlyjimjams · 06/04/2014 16:01

I'm interested in your definition of 'spoiling the beautiful ceremony' Morgause.

Nearly 20 years later I remember my (then) tiny cousin who was a page boy telling everyone to 'shh' 'shh' really loudly (no-one was talking, he'd just been told by his mum he had to be quiet during the ceremony. And he kept picking up and dropping my gown which made some people laugh. Someone particularly uptight might have seen that as 'spoiling' the ceremony whereas I saw it as making it! A funny part of the day. ld

If my children start to make too much noise during a ceremony they are taken out. Or if they look as if they might make too much noise I have whizzed them out at a handy place in a service. I also took ds1 out of one wedding because he did the most enormous poo and it reeked and made him fidgety. We left during the next hymn so it didn't disturb anyone.

I always choose seats that are handy for a quick exit.

Morgause · 06/04/2014 16:22

I've seen toddlers running up and down the aisle laughing with no attempt by parents to restrain them while the bride and groom were taking their vows.

I know it ruined it for the bride because she hasn't spoken to the parents since. Not everyone is considerate enough to withdraw or restrain children misbehaving.

saintlyjimjams · 06/04/2014 16:29

A toddler running up and down laughing wouldn't bother me tbh _ I quite like that sound (although I would have taken mine out if they wouldn't sit still as I know it bothers some). One of my (then childless) friends was annoyed by a child crying during a bit of the best man's speech at our wedding but it didn't bother me - his mum took him out anyway - it wasn't going on for very long. He was a toddler, it's what toddlers do.

Running up and down an aisle laughing isn't really what I would call appalling behaviour or even bad behaviour. Just a young child who hasn't learned to sit still when bored yet.