dd is not invited to DH brother's wedding

[argyll]

DH brother is getting married in Dorset in Sept and we live over 500 miles away in Argyll. Although being initially told it would be ok to take dd they have changed their minds and now said it would not be fair on all their friends with children (who all live locally) to make an exception for us. dd with be 18 months at time of wedding and as all dh family will be at wedding and my mother is not physically able to look after her we have no-one to leave her with (not sure i would be happy to leave her that distance away anyway). Our only solution as i can see it is for dh to go himself, as it would cause to many problems if he didn't. Do you think im being unreasonable to be upset over this.

ceres - those definitions

Actually Im still not quite grasping the reason for child-free weddings, I get that its the bride & grooms choice. But, reasons for said choices...? There must be some brides here who had a child-free wedding. Is it because

Children spoil the line of photos
Babies aren't trendy enough
Children ruin the image of a classy corporate wedding
Children are a noisy nuisance
Parents of young DCs are a bit naff
Party won't be lively enough if some guests have children to see to
Children spoil a wedding party atmosphere so, grown ups only
People like children around less & less these days

So....?

I do think that whether you prefer child free weddings or weddings with children the OP's situation is bloody awful. Ds1 was invited to a wedding where he was the only child because a) he was the only nephew b) we lived hundreds of miles away and he was still bf, c) my parents were invited as well. So the exact parallel. While I prefer kids at weddings, I'm not fussed if mine aren't invited but I would have been horrified if ds1 hadn't been able to go to the above wedding. And yes gothemoon - because we live so far away it was the first chance a lot of dh's family had to see him. Would have been odd without him.

I understand that they want a child-free wedding - that's fair enough. But I can also understand the difficult position that puts you in.

I think you just have to say to them that you understand they want no children there but that will mean you will have to stay home to look after your daughter and your husband go alone. Make it clear that you would rather go to their wedding than miss it but keep it friendly.

I think that will make them think about whether they want to make an exception for your daughter so that you can go as you are close family. Their friends would understand if she was the only child there as your daughter is their niece. I have been to lots of weddings where the only children invited are close family while friends have been asked to not bring children.

Op Gotthemoon had a great point....I

"The whole family would want to see him badly at this gorgeous stage." I doubt they would. That is what we as parents think about our precious little ones.

Few parents have the sense to leave an event if their children turn into the center of attention due to grizzly, whining, ear piercing noises and screams. Every time their kids quieten down for a moment and settle for a second they think "piuh, finally quiet, we can stay", and a minute later when the screaming/whining/grizzling start again, they think "if she/he does not quieten down in the next minute or so, I will leave" subjecting all around to frazzled mum bouncing, feeding, giving drinks, toys, other guests hair or mobile phone "just for a second" for child to slobber all over "just until child settles" and so subject other guests to an event where a childs presence is the center of attention as everybody attention is on "when will they manage to get the child to sleep/eat/drinnk/play quietly, rather than enjoying the event.

I would say that the reason most B&Gs opt for childfree weddings is because parents are just totally blinkered as to the effect their moaning/frazzles child has on the event, they think they are the only one struggling and nobody notices, but it does in fact ruin the event.

People just cant take the risk, so they rather not invite kids than having the most expensive party ever ruining by constant Squeeees and screams.

I needed yesterday to be reminded of this stage of a childs life.

(((Hugs))) these no kids wedding invites can be difficult when you have a young child and live a long way from the wedding venue.
I would ask if they will reconsider as you don't feel able to leave such a young child 500 miles away and she is after all their neice.
Alternatively, see if you can bring her to the wedding service and then you and she leave your husband to attend the reception on his own and you return to your hotel/accommodation with your young dd as a compromise.

I turned down a cousins wedding invite from which my 3 dc were excluded because I had no overnight babysitting facility to leave them at home (wedding venue 200 mile away - oh and youngest dc aged 1 and still breastfeeding and had never been left ever before).

Sadly my cousin didn't seem to understand. She now doesn't have much to do with me, though that is partly because I turned up to a family funeral nearby 3 days before with youngest dc - and older dc not left overnight either - due to funeral time I was able to go there and back within the day. However my cousin obviously didn't take into account this arrangement was different to her wedding arrangement and hence thought I was personally shunning her wedding which I dearly would have loved to attend actually.

I took my son, and my best friend to be a nanny for the day, to my cousins wedding overseas. Unluckily she got down with a stomach bug, so I had no option but to bring my son, 18 months. I sat at the back of the Church so I could leave in case he made noises. I took him to the wedding reception asleep in his buggy, and spent just an hour while he was quiet and then went back to our guest house, where my friend was still chucking it up. Everybody were really understanding when I explained the situation.

I am very close to my cousin. He was the only family at MY wedding. I could not have flown all the way and then not gone.

We had a child free wedding, mainly because at that time none of our friends or close family actually had any children to bring!

The one baby that was invited couldn't on the day come as he had a sickness bug

I also understand it's up to the couple whether they wish to have a child free wedding or not.

I just wish the couple would graciously understand if parents turn down invites because they cannot get childcare, and not take it personally as my cousin seems to have done.

Oh and I did enjoy seeing my cousins wedding photos long after the event and noticed there were quite a lot of friends children attending.

Quint,this is the family's child,though.Surely there will be discussion beforehand about who will help if he gets grizzly and family bucking up if you see what I mean.

Saying that ,I also hate it when overwrought children spoil things and parents ignore.Don't even talk about buffets where their parents do not supervise and sauces and food is spilled on the carpet.

Maybe this is why people rightly do not want children at functions.

(Caveat) I am from the dark ages where children were seen and not heard and parents quietly dished up for young children who would not have thought of touching serving spoons and putting hands into food.

Maybe we just have reasonable friends but at our wedding, the only children that were invited were those that were coming a significant distance: my best friend's (who was also my bridesmaid/matron of honour) older 2 kids and my "adopted" neice and nephew (4 in total, ranging in age from 8-11). My vest friend left her youngest at home (she was about 4), which was her choice.

My SIL, who lives locally but who at the time I didn't know that well, had young kids but was happy to get a baby sitter and gave a day out. If she'd raised it as an issue, we'd have accommodated her - but I've checked with her since, and she says it would've spoiled the wedding for her if she was chasing after a 2 year old and a 4 year old.

As far as I am aware, we didn't insult any of our other friends.....

If you're coming a distance, I'd have thought your BIL should be flexible (and if his friends-with-kids are not understanding re his own family member, then they're not really friends). If he still doesn't want your kids there, then he has to respect that you are not being insulting or disrespectful if you can't make it.

We are getting married in three weeks and are having close family only for the ceremony and meal (20 people including us and my 4 year old son, there are no other young children in the immediate families) and a child-free only (with the exception if ds) party in the evening. We would have had children but dp's extended family is huge with lots and lots if kids and would have taken up nearly 3/4 of guest list if all of them came. We didn't want to offend other people by picking and choosing which parents could bring kids so have done a blanket rule of no other kids. We certainly didn't want to offend anyone but if it meant that a lot of our friends couldn't come because we had to invite dc of the families that we don't see very often if would spoil our celebrations a bit that not all our friends could have a good old knees up with us. However, this decision has meant that our friend's children aren't invited either and i hope that we haven't upset anyone but tbh we felt like we didn't have much choice. I completely understand if people can't make the evening because of childcare, it's a shame but i've had to figure out that you csn't please everyone. Apologies for the long post btw!!

I would see this as a whoopee, I get to stay home while husband goes situation. No long dreary drive, no stress over childcare, no dressing up. Marvellous. I'd say the bride and groom have done you a favour.

Quint - the family who hadn't seen ds1 included great grandparents - believe me they wanted to see him. They were not well enough to travel to us, so it was a rare chance.

I'm sure various cousins weren't that interested - but great grandparents? Think it's safe to say they were delighted to meet their first great grandson.

I travel to Spain/Majorca quite a bit as DB lives there. Its very child friendly. Its usual to see children out as part of the family at evening restaurants/events, Ive been to 2 weddings out there another to attend in July..children are at weddings. Nothing descends into uproar and/or discomfort for parents and other guests. I guess its just not so relaxed and inclusive in that way over here. To be honest with this and similar threads it does sound as if these days its more about having lots of singles/child-frees there (more fun, maybe?) and excluding children. All a bit of a shame really. Of course some parents will be able to attend without their children but for those who simply can't get childcare for a full day and evening, its a shame when offence is taken at that. It has to work both ways and even if the bride and groom won't understand that then its best they try, especially if they've yet to have DCs themselves and could probably find themselves in the same boat of being unwelcome with young children or, unable to make childcare arrangements and inadvertently upsetting someone. Still, I can't imagine being at a wedding seeing or hearing children and thinking 'oh no'. Mainly why this all just seems very strange to me. Again, there's no way Id travel 500 miles away to a wedding having been told 'no DCs', in the same way I wouldn't have travelled abroad without them when they were very young. Too far. Saved that for when they were a little older. Good luck with resolving this one OP.

When I got married the only children I know were a couple of young cousins and my nephew on DH's side. So it was no problem to invite them. I suspect most people who want child free weddings are limited in budget/numbers and understandably prioritise friends/family over children they might barely see.

The weddings I have been to in the last year all specified that the only children that would be at the wedding were children of the family. Not a problem. I went to all them and enjoyed a 'day off' and the chance to spend some time with DH as a couple. DD enjoyed quality time with GP.

The one family wedding that DD was invited to (at 15 months) was pretty stressful for me as she was into everything and wanted to toddle off exploring and bursting into tears everytime I tried to keep her out of harms way! I also missed the entire evening reception after the first dance because I was so knackered and went to bed the same time DD did.

Personally I would look upon it as a blessing in disguise! Toddlers at weddings are hard work.

To the people who can't imagine having child free weddings, think about cost. Say you have 50 people and 30 of them have two children. That's quite a lot of space and food and soft drinks. And maybe you don't want a big event. I had 12 people. And that felt like a lot. If I did i again, I'd have fewer people. It's really not hard to imagine lots of reasons why it might not suit people to invite children. Each friend/family member then becomes a unit of three or four or even five.

"I find it odd in the extreme that people think children should be included in absolutely everything"

I don't think people think that in general and neither do I. I just think that child free weddings are odd, but that is simply because to me they are family occasions, rather than a good old booze up.

God, people are pompous. Don't have children to a wedding and you're some sort of Herod type figure. I think people can do what they like and we can refuse as much as we like. Most weddings are frankly awful occasions. Terrible food. Chilly stately home type hotels, rip off drinks, DJs. Oh, God, the disco in the evening. Seating arrangements etc. It's all dreadful. Why would any self respecting toddler want to attend?

At the end of the day, it's the bride and groom's wedding and surely it's up to them who they invite. If they want a child-free wedding, that's their choice. If they want their day ruined enhanced by having children there, that's also their choice.

I think you can invite whoever you want to your wedding. Your wedding your choice.

I think if you uninvite your only niece to a wedding the other side of the country which means one of her parents can't attend - that is totally up to you as well.

But we all reserve the right to think you're an antisocial and inconsiderate arsehole.

Agree Tondelayo!

nkf and expatinscotland when you are invited to weddings, I do hope you have the honesty to decline.

We have spent a lot of time and effort organising ours so that it has something for everyone- including a disco, which I personally could take or leave but which we are having because so many potential guests mentioned how much they loved a good dance at a wedding. I'd be devastated if we had guests who were putting on a brave face but secretly hated it all and bitched about us on the internet.

I usually do decline. Childfree is the perfect excuse. And don't be devastated if people aren't thrilled to the core. It's not worth the grief. Enjoy your day.

Not read the whole thread but -

We had a "child free" wedding. We had a fifteen month old at the time; I arranged a babysitter for her. Our baby was with us in the church and for the early part of the reception and then the babysitter took her next door where I checked on her every now and again. Worked perfectly.

At the time we had twenty nieces and nephews - had we included them all then 25% of guests would be under age 10!

I have a sil who created a song and dance about it. We didn't know if they would even be coming until a few days beforehand. I had said that people could bring kids to church and jokingly added that if they were crying to take them out to the foyer area. Her toddler cried right through the service but I hardly registered it as I was on cloud nine. Think it may have been annoying for others though. Why would anyone want to bring a toddler into a long church service?

Same sil went on to announce that she would be having her dinner in a local hotel as her child "wasn't welcome" in our venue - so empty place at that table (cost to us - about 50 pounds). She then returned after the dinner and I know that my aunts were tutting about the fact that I'd "made" her leave. Again, what toddler wants to sit quietly through speeches and a long dinner? And I think that with adults drinking and dancing as the night goes on it really isn't a suitable place for a young child.

The same sil works full time and leaves her child with her mother. Her mother was happy to take child for event but my sil was determined to make her point. I gave them a years notice that it was child free!