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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DS's best friend's mum has said she doesn't want her to play with DS any more.

61 replies

CruCru · 05/04/2014 17:20

This is probably a bit more of a WWYD than an AIBU. DS (2.5) plays with a little girl who he met at a playgroup. Her nanny and my nanny hit it off and they have been meeting for playmates etc for about a year. I have met her parents once, at his birthday party, and have exchanged texts with the mum but don't know them well.

I invited this girl and his nanny round next week and the nanny has said that she is really sorry but the mum doesn't want her to organise playmates with DS. She said that DS is a bad influence and the girl misbehaves after seeing him. She said that she is going to try to change the mum's mind.

I am so, so sad about this. DS and this girl really like each other. I would understand if he was hitting / pushing / biting / being unkind but he isn't doing any of those things.

My understanding is that the mum is fairly extreme in some of her views (so her daughter is not allowed to do quite a few things) but I don't want to go too much into that here.

What (if anything) should I do?

OP posts:
YouStayClassySanDiego · 05/04/2014 17:25

I would leave it in all honesty, she thinks a 2.5 year old is a bad influence, doesn't paint her in a good light does it? Hmm

If the Mum feels that way, let her get on with it and find other friends for your ds.

WitchWay · 05/04/2014 17:27

They are two FFS!! She sounds bonkers!

Original poster
CruCru · 05/04/2014 17:28

I think partly I am so sad about it because some other friends have moved away / started nursery full time so he is going to see much less of them. He is a sociable little boy and gets glum if he doesn't see other children.

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miramar · 05/04/2014 17:29

Either contact the mother directly or accept what you've been told. I would feel uncomfortable with the nannies passing messages beyond what's been said already. You could ask the mother if you've heard the story properly, ask if there's anything you can do etc etc, but she might give excuses rather than the real reason. So that's hard to deal with.

At that age the girl could be just having normal toddler behaviour irrespective of who she's playing with, but ultimately the mum can do what she wants.

Maybe best to try new activities and widen his circle of friends.

Original poster
CruCru · 05/04/2014 17:29

Perhaps I should try to arrange some play dates with some friends from his preschool.

OP posts:
Original poster
CruCru · 05/04/2014 17:31

I don't much want to contact the mum directly because I think the nanny will get into trouble.

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Mrswellyboot · 05/04/2014 17:33

I would stay away from the mother, very sad that she thinks this way

WorraLiberty · 05/04/2014 17:33

She's being ridiculous.

I wonder if it's more to do with the fact she might not want her nanny spending so much time for yours for some reason?

WorraLiberty · 05/04/2014 17:34

*with

pianodoodle · 05/04/2014 17:34

It's a shame that's how the other mum sees things. My DD (2) goes nuts after she has had a friend round but it's just that she gets all excited and then really tired! Nothing to do with the other child being a bad influence.

Maybe the Nanny will say something similar to the mum and she'll change her mind.

ThePost · 05/04/2014 17:35

What does the mum consider to be misbehaving? What does her nanny make of it all?

SirChenjin · 05/04/2014 17:36

I'd leave this well alone and let her foist her bonkerness on someone else. Is she a bit hysterical when it comes to boys and their uncouth ways?

LtColGrinch · 05/04/2014 17:36

Is you approaching her likely to make her change her mind or convince her she's right?

I'd leave it TBH...

Original poster
CruCru · 05/04/2014 17:42

My understanding is that there may be some struggles between the mum and the nanny but I don't know much else.

OP posts:
WorraLiberty · 05/04/2014 17:45

I'm just wondering if she feels her nanny is doing too much socialising with yours during working hours?

If not then, god knows what's up with her.

She sounds like a twat.

Fortysomethingwinelover · 05/04/2014 17:51

You're hearing everything via the nanny. Give the mum a call. I never believe anything until I hear it from the horses mouth. You don't actually know this mum is extreme apart from what the nanny says. For all you know everything could be a complete fabrication and it's the nannys that have fallen out.

Original poster
CruCru · 05/04/2014 17:54

Well, there is some socialising but it's with the kids, at play groups, parks etc so it isn't as though they're off drinking champagne. To be honest, I think it's nice for the nannies to meet up and good for the kids too.

I'm not sure whether she is anti boy. It all seems a bit weird.

OP posts:
Original poster
CruCru · 05/04/2014 17:55

That's a point, fortysomething. I'll ask my nanny first though.

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redcatblackcat · 05/04/2014 17:55

Don't give it another thought.

Minnieisthedevilmouse · 05/04/2014 17:56

Why fight it? He won't remember. I get why your sad but you are probably best off out of that friendship.

Clobbered · 05/04/2014 17:58

It does seem a bit strange, but for the sake of a friendship that is conducted when you aren't even there, I don't think I'd bother making waves about it. No doubt the issue with the nanny is compounding the problem and your DS will soon forget about this if you can find him some new playmates.

rookiemater · 05/04/2014 17:58

The mum sounds like a loon, desperately trying to control everything that the mother does. I'd leave it tbh - what's the mum going to say? Oh yes, nanny got it totally wrong, we love our DD playing with your DS - I doubt it somehow.

rookiemater · 05/04/2014 17:58

Sorry trying to control what the nanny does

VenusDeWillendorf · 05/04/2014 17:58

Try and get your little DS involved in more activities.

Ask your nanny to take him to local parks and playgrounds, and to help him make friends.

At 2and a half he's too young to have special friends, he needs to knock around with lots of different children.

I've observed that nannies like to hang out together, and maybe the other mum has noticed that her nanny isn't paying attention to her dd when her nanny is busy chatting to your nanny. It's nice your nanny likes this other nanny, but maybe her nanny isn't watching her charge when she's nattering with your nanny. Maybe she's noticed her dd has a lot of bruises and isn't happy about that?

I can see the other mothers perspective here, I wouldn't have been happy to know that my nanny was getting lazy and just letting my dd meet up with the same boy and his chatty nanny everyday, and not taking my dd to new places, so she could interact with more children.
It's so important for their development to have many playmates, especially at 2 and a half.
Nannies can meet up and chat away to their hearts' content in their own time if they want to!

I wouldn't take it personally anyway.
I definitely wouldn't get all het up about it and I certainly wouldn't contact the little girls mum. You know what she thinks about the situation already. She's made her decision, and it's nothing to do with you, or your little boy.

Move on! and get your nanny to bring your little boy to places where lots of children play!

Original poster
CruCru · 05/04/2014 18:05

Well, they do go to lots of different places. I've been out with them and wouldn't ever say that the nanny wasn't paying enough attention (I think she's excellent). I think I'll have to move on and leave things as they are.

OP posts: