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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to be fucked off with ny 4yr olds behaviour?

53 replies

Polarn · 03/04/2014 20:44

Ive had enough of him telling me and dh that he doesn't like us, he hates us, we smell, he doesnt want to be part of our family.... These outbursts mainly come out when we've asked him not to do something he shouldn't, or when we have to do something he doesn't want to do (like leave the park) Most of the time he's a nice boy and I've always just brushed the comments off as he's only 4 and doesn't understand what he means. But it's becoming increasingly harder to deal with this hatred as it's happening more and more often and lasting longer.

I've got to the point were I don't want much to do with him. I am not enjoying him that's for sure :(

OP posts:
FitzgeraldProtagonist · 03/04/2014 20:46

No advice - but sympathy, same here Thanks

formerbabe · 03/04/2014 20:47

My ds says stuff like this. I have switched it round on him, so

Ds...I hate you mum
Me...That's a shame because I love you so much.
Ds...You stink
Me...You smell lovely, just like flowers

You get the point...it makes him laugh as well!

Suzyjane1 · 03/04/2014 20:51

Yep. My ds called me "fatty" whilst storming up the stairs the other day! :O

Rexandralpf · 03/04/2014 20:55

I think he wants your attention. He's just trying to get a reaction. Can you try going the other way and playing with him and chatting to him about stuff

Original poster
Polarn · 03/04/2014 20:56

Okay, so it's normal!?... I can cope with it to a.certain extent but I just feel completely beaten up emotionally by him atm!... Most of my reactions are either to explain that what he says is hurtful and why, or I just walk away and ignore as I can't be arsed with his hurtful/bratish behavior :/

OP posts:
missymayhemsmum · 03/04/2014 20:57

Oh poor you. Sounds horrible.
Have you tried "tough! you're stuck with me, I'm stuck with you. Lets make the best of it. Now get down off that swing, we're going home because I said so and it's teatime".
It's one thing to let him express his angry feelings, but it's better to be the wall he can bounce his anger against than to let him know he's upset you

Original poster
Polarn · 03/04/2014 20:58

I don't think it is for attention, atleast not all the time as it seems like an automatic/knee jerk reaction from him

OP posts:
ginmakesitallok · 03/04/2014 20:58

Our discussions go along these lines

Dd. I hate you
Me. That's a shame, but I love you very much
Dd. I still hate you
Me. Well there's not much I can do about that just now. How's about we go to the new mummy shop tomorrow and you can choose a new one?
Dd. But I don't want another one?
Me. Good, now get to sleep!

Rexandralpf · 03/04/2014 20:58

Can you set a timer to go off and tell him beforehand 'you have 4 mins then we have to go'

Also can you tell him about the next exiting thing 'we have to leave the park because we need to bake some buns for aunt agatha. Can you help me decorate'

Prep talk before going to the park and rewards after for leaving well. Use a star chart with specific targets

Fink · 03/04/2014 20:59

Yeah, it's normal.

I do like formerbabe. If dd says she hates me, I answer really calmly with 'I still love you.' It winds her up something chronic!

Original poster
Polarn · 03/04/2014 21:00

Yeah I think I need to be tougher in my reaction to it sometimes, but then I worry he'll hate me more!

OP posts:
MrsAmaretto · 03/04/2014 21:00

I'm so relieved I'm not the only one going through this! I'm explaining why it's not nice to say this thing, but it's not working. I think I'll change it to "every time you say something nasty or hurtful I'll give you a slobbery kiss". I wonder if it will work....

He normally says these horrible things when he's frustrated that he can't do something correctly/how he wants to or if I'm telling him no.

Rexandralpf · 03/04/2014 21:00

Or just stop going to the park for a bit and explain that you can't take him because he struggles to leave in a nice way. Then after a few weeks suggest a trial park play and explain that you will take him again if he manages to leave nicely.

missymayhemsmum · 03/04/2014 21:03

Yes, it's normal. Being 4 is all about the challenge of being a small powerless person in a world of grown ups whilst knowing you're the centre of the universe. Saying the most hurtful things he can think of is a way to cope with that. It's a phase.

Yama · 03/04/2014 21:03

We all knew about the Terrible Twos but nobody warns you of the Fucking Fours.

Original poster
Polarn · 03/04/2014 21:04

S Yeah, we do that relax :)... It works sometimes. But when it doesn't we both get cross and it nakes things worse. He ends up hating me and I end up defeated with a brat on my hands!

I will try the reverse reply thing. Anything that causes humour has got to work right? Although he can be a right grumpy buggar!

OP posts:
Famzilla · 03/04/2014 21:04

Can you try love bombing? So every time he says something like "I hate you", reply with "well that's a shame because I love you" etc, basically the opposite of whatever he's saying. It defuses a potential "situation" quite quickly. It does sound to me like he's just testing your boundaries. All children do it at one time or another.

Famzilla · 03/04/2014 21:05

Oops sorry x post

Original poster
Polarn · 03/04/2014 21:07

Haha yama!

I do that toi mrsamaretto... Esp as he has now started saying it to a little girl in his class, purely because she's a girl!... It upsets her, and me to see my son doing that!

Nice idea rex... I need to be tough!

Thanks missymayhem x

OP posts:
BlackeyedSusan · 03/04/2014 21:11

have you had "you're not coming to my party" yet?

ds was most put out when I said good, means I do not have to do the shopping or getting the food ready.

oh and apparently I am a naughty poo-poo head.

sometimes if I am fed up of it I say good, I don't have to cook your tea then...

it is a phase. This too shall pass.

eosmum · 03/04/2014 21:13

I was told once that only a child who is happy and secure in the knowledge he is loved would say these things. It helped me get through even if it's not true.:)

Judyandherdreamofhorses · 03/04/2014 21:16

Today I've had lots of 'well, you're not coming to my party then' (that party that I'll be organising...that isn't happening till July...if it happens at all!), and 'well if you won't for me, then I won't do what you want next time you ask me...

She sounds horrendous! But is really a lovely little girl, most of the time. I never speak to her like that!

Imagine what it's like teaching a whole class of them!

Original poster
Polarn · 03/04/2014 21:17

Not yet blqckeyed!... Although I've told him that he won't be invited to other children's parties if he's mean to them :)

I'll try to remember that eosmum when I'm being told to go live outside! :)

OP posts:
Original poster
Polarn · 03/04/2014 21:19

Oh gid judy!... My ds is bossy too. I never do anything until he asks nicely, then I get grumpy ds who hates me!

OP posts:
beanella · 03/04/2014 21:19

We cannot afford to let our tiny children be in charge of our emotions in this way. They will not be tiny children forever and will become teenagers who WILL really 'fuck you off', and school, and society and the local community. You are letting him push your buttons. It's normal for children to push buttons. They need to test how the world responds to them. You are effectively your little boys world at the moment so it is you he's going to test.

If you are finding behaviour a struggle, speak to your local sure start, they do some great courses like 1-2-3 magic.

Youll be fine if you nip it in the bud now. Its not easy i'm sure. My DS is only 7 minths so i've got all this to come.