to be fucked off with ny 4yr olds behaviour?

[Polarn]

Ive had enough of him telling me and dh that he doesn't like us, he hates us, we smell, he doesnt want to be part of our family.... These outbursts mainly come out when we've asked him not to do something he shouldn't, or when we have to do something he doesn't want to do (like leave the park) Most of the time he's a nice boy and I've always just brushed the comments off as he's only 4 and doesn't understand what he means. But it's becoming increasingly harder to deal with this hatred as it's happening more and more often and lasting longer.

I've got to the point were I don't want much to do with him. I am not enjoying him that's for sure :(

Beanella, I'm sorry but it's a ridiculous assumption that these four year olds are going to become a menace to society after acting in what is obviously a completely normal (albeit highly annoying) manner to their parents.

Yes, you and your 7 month old do have this to come. But that's okay, as you've checked out the Sure Start centres who will solve everything.

My dsis found her DS tough going age 4, and it sure wasn't for lack of attention - he is king of the household even though he has a little sister. But she has found that he has grown out of it to a large extent now that he is 6. - well he has football, judo, swimming etc to keep him busy then tire him out these days. My dd is 3.5, and quiet bossy (the queen of our house!), so I will be on my guard. Sounds tough going for you right now, you could do with organising a break and some refreshment time away either by yourself or with a pal.. Seriously!

He's not incharge of my emotions but he does test them.... Alot more that usual atm!... He is a lovely boy when he's not in these moods.

He's definately not short of attention either. I hope it's just a phase which I need to deal with sensitively with no grumpy mummy making it worse!

Ds2 is 5 and wished he was dead last week because I'd bought finger rolls instead of round ones... It's water off a ducks back to me though, I just love bomb him and commiserate, it usually bewilders him and he gives up :)

I will be trying the love bombing.... Although I've heard that you shouldn't really do it as it mocks their very reasonable emotions.... But prob better than getting cross or walking away!

Oh God, DS is normal, thank God (sob!).

I've been uninvited to half a dozen imaginary parties this week alone.

Today he informed me he was "going to kill Grandma and Grandad and then they have to go to the graveyard".

Nice...

It is very normal - and of course he doesn't hate you - he uses words that sound hurtful to you because he's frustrated and he has no control so he is hitting back with the worse things he can think of - he has no concept of hate - so nasty as it sounds don't let yourself be upset by it because it's actually just the same as when he says 'you smell' - obviously you don't he's just saying nonsense to express his frustration at you.

I would do as someone else suggested and talk to him when he's not cross about leaving the park nicely, I would give him a warning ten minutes before you leave 'we're going home very soon - what are you going to choose to have one last play on?' or 'You've just got time to finish up your game before we go' etc. - so he know's it's coming.

What I always did with mine when they were stroppy 4yr olds was a sort of 'on to the next thing' technique - so I would finish up something by enthusing about what we were doing next and engage them in conversation about it whilst generally bundling them towards home. 'We're off home now, we've got to get back to make dinner haven;t we? - what shall we have would you like X or Y - would you like to help me chop the onions? what shall we have for pudding? etc etc' - overwhelm him with chit chat so he has no time for moaning.

Same technique with being told he shouldn't do something 'don;t do X because you might break the Y/it's unkind/you might hurt yourself ' whatever and then straight on to 'What would you like to play with - why don't you get out your cars and make a road, etc etc' distract and move on.

Part of the way he is reacting at the moment is habit - he's got into the routine of moaning in this way, so you can try to break that by stopping it in its tracks before it starts

Thanks kurri. It's definately a habit that needa breaking gently!

Oh dear Lord! I can totally relate to this thread,except mine is the furious fives.

Nooo csi, don't tell me that!.... Is there a shocking sixes and shithead sevens too!

Another one saying it's normal.

When 4 year old DS2 is happy, it's all "I love you mummy", "you're beautiful mummy"

When I've annoyed him, it's "I don't love you any more"

And when he's really cross, it's "I hate you mummy!"

Most of the time, I love bomb or laugh him out of it.

However, I do sometimes say 'I love you but I don't like your behaviour' and in the most serious naughty situations, I have also said "I'm not very keen on you right now"

He will usually go away and think about things at that point and come back to apologise

DS1, age 7, on the other hand...

Think it's normal for the age! Older dd and I get this a lot from 4yo, things like "you won't be my best friend now", "I don't like you any more" and "you're making my life so BORING!" (wondering whether this is premature teenage or just a side effect of watchin Tangled too often). Also bizarre threats like "if you don't let me have icecream, I'll never wear my shoes EVER AGAIN" kind of thing, but sometimes involving violence esp to sister (poor sister). Really wtf. Think it comes from them feeling powerless over world? Maybe? Or maybe just being little sods.

same here.. DS 4

I had gurgling ones, tickle-some twos, tickled pink threes and fabulous fours. But the furious fives with the school day tiredness is a bitch. I know DC1 doesn't mean it, but good God, she knows how to press the buttons and hit the spot :(

Aaahhhhnnnnd.... breath in deep and in with anger, out with love.

Same here with DS who is 3.6. He's been this way for a few months. Problem is he also directs it at my mum who gets very hurt, no matter how many ways I explain it to her.

This too shall pass! I hope!!!!

I would like to say little sods ponky pink, and I thought that unt I made this thread... Now I'm thinking it's them feeling powerless in this big world!

My dh regularly gets told that he is not ds best friend anymore, this upsets dh. I think dh is more hurt about his behavior than I am.

Sorry couldn't read past beanella post as too busy laughing at her naive attitude.

You DS is normal OP, totally normal.

justto I didnt say it wasnt normal! I said that if a parent lets it get to them too much and lets their buttons get pushed for too long they can stack up problems. Sorry but feeling got at and being 'fucked off' by a four year olds behavior says to me that the parent might need a bit of help. (which they are getting here) Nowt abnormal about the child.

I do seek support if I'm finding parenting a challenge. There is nothing wrong with that.

DD is also 4 and does this all the time. Quite inventive too, the last insult was Mamma you have fat legs.'' pause Very fat legs.''

Oh well just try to stay calm, they outgrow it after a while. Then relearn as teenagers I suppose!

After a horrendous school run I am here to say I know that feeling OP. I have a very stubborn 3 year old and nothing seems to work. Nothing. I too just try to keep calm and tell myself this too shall pass - however I also have an awful eight year old and a silly six year old to contend with today. It never rains but it pours.

Enjoy the last few hours before bedtime all. Then get yourself a tipple

We have this a fair amount from DD too. Particularly if she's tired or hungry. If I'm not letting her do something she wants to do or making her do something she doesn't want to do & she says it, then I will say something like "I can understand you must be cross/frustrated/angry that you can't do Y" or something equally naff which seems to take some of the sting out of her protests. If she's said it for no apparent reason, then it's the love bomb approach or, if I think she's in the mood for it, we talk about who we would swap with & the pros & cons eg "do you want to go & live with friend X's mummy and I'll have friend X. Of course, you'll have to share with her baby sister and I bet she breaks up all of her lego models. Oh, and I'll have to take X to the park with me later". It's tedious and annoying but it's just a phase isn't it?

I would accept this to a certaindegree, but saying I had fat legs etc, would result in a punishment. I fully believe children need to find a way to show frustration, but I will not be spoken to like I'm shit, and always reinforce the message 'you may be cross, but I simply won't be spoken to like that, so if you do it again the consequence will be xx' (usually a favourite toy being taken away).

Respect needs to be taught. I would be horrified if my DC spoke to anyone else like that, so need to teach them it's unacceptable both in and out of the home.

its tough.
ds1 when he was about the same age told me he hated me 10=20 times aday for about 6 months. (it started after having to leave a different county to come h ome. leaving his dad behind) every time i would respond with "thats ok, becasue i love you"

its hard, and it used to hurt alot. like he said he stopped after about 6 months.. i still get it.. but its rare now..again my respnce woudl all be i love you. than ignoring him if he continues.

iv alway belive and been told children who do this.. do it becasue they KNOW they are loved and feel safe enough with that person to let all the anger out to. they dont mean it.

I've read that cover that explaining that you understand their frustration is good when reprimanding them.

I do too willsing, but sometimes I just have to ignore... Pick my battles. Esp when it's happening a lot in one day!

Tbf, he's been lovely today. He's tokd me I smell a few times and I've replied "of flowers" :) That's made him laugh!