AIBU to feel sick at the idea of wedding dress shopping for my DN?

[monkeynuts123]

My niece is getting married and wants me to help her shop for her wedding dress. 10 years ago my sister, her mother, tried her very best to ruin my wedding day and the lead up to it, including wedding dress shopping. I just feel sick at the idea of sharing in my nieces joy when my joy was practically destroyed by her family and she also did a few cruel things to me over my wedding. My relationship with her mother, my sister is strained to say the least and practically no contact. AIBU to not want to suddenly put the past behind me with no apologies from either of them and start trotting about happily looking at wedding dresses?

[HowContraryMary]

You don't have to talk to these people you know. You can cut them out of your life. You certainly don't have to go wedding shopping - and I'm with the poster up the thread would wouldn't be wedding shopping with anyone. I think I'd be booking a weekend away, the week of the wedding. I don't think I'd be going to that either.

But you have piqued our interest now - what did your sister do at the wedding that reduced guests to tears?

[TheRealAmandaClarke]

This is a very simple aibu.
YANBU. Don't go dress shopping ( unless your DSis has spent the last two years in therapy). Why would you do that to yourself?
Just tell DN that sorry, you can't make it. Keep some distance.
Then decide later if you want to attend the wedding itself.
Make all your decisions based on what makes you feel most omfortable. If you make decisions based on keeping the peace or appeasing others you will likely become complicit in your own bullying.
Do not go dress shopping.

[monkeynuts123]

AmandaClarke, you are spot on! Thank you

[samandi]

I don't understand why you'd even consider it

[BackforGood]

The simple answer is to just say - no thank you, I don't want to.


However, it's difficult for us to give any further advice around the wider situation as I can't begin to imagine what it is that anyone could have done (or why?) to "try their bast to ruin your wedding day" or to "do a few cruel things to you over your wedding day".
I understand you don't want to go into detail here, but it's difficult for us to then judge what we would do now.

[MomOfTwoGirls2]

Of course don't go. And don't allow your children to be involved either. Very simple reason - you don't want to.
If put under pressure by family go NC again.

Good luck, and stay strong.

[longtallsally2]

Well I'm up in the middle of the night stewing on it. I feel so compromised by even being asked to be honest.

If your neice is old enough to be married then she is old enough to be told, gently, that you are still so upset about what happened. You can reassure her that you wish her well and that you wouldn't want to do anything to spoil the day, but that you are still hurting a lot about what went on, so it is probably better if you didn't get involved at this stage.

Wedding dress shopping can be done by the bride and her mum or her best friend or bridesmaid or whatever.

[monkeynuts123]

I think I will have to decline the wedding dress shopping and all other prep invites. I just know some people will say I should let the past go and move on but that is impossible without an apology and if there is any apology now at this point I know it will just be strategic to get what they want. I'm currently fantasising that if I go to the wedding I will wear the same outfit as my sister, but better! Miaow. I won't but the thought is making me feel better.

[TheRealAmandaClarke]

Ah poor monkey
Personally I wouldn't even bother with much of a detailed explanation.
I would just say that sorry, you can't go dress shopping/ flower choosing/ wine tasting .....whatever.
If you tell her why and "rake up" past events it might just give them another opportunity to hurt you.
Maybe there'll be a time to address it with them but you need to be ready.
Stay cool, stay distant, keep yourself safe.

Is it awful that I am darkly curious about what she actually did?

[OnTheBottomWithAWomansWeekly]

if you want to be reeeeaaalllly evil, suss out your sister's wedding outfit, and wear the same one to an event JUST BEFORE the wedding with all the same attendees....

[diddl]

Even if you let the past go you don't have to go wedding dress shopping with your niece & sister!

I had no idea it was a thing-only in films!

If you go to the wedding, wear something that you feel comfortable & good in.

[monkeynuts123]

Oh bottom womans weekly that is a fabulous idea!! Wouldn't do it, but pure evil

[Viviennemary]

If you don't want to for whatever reason then it's probaby better you make some excuse and don't go. But if it's nothing to do with the DN it's a shame. I woudn't drag up the fact that you were hurt about your own wedding. What is the point of dragging up these family feuds. Either go and keep quiet or don't have anything to do with the wedding at all.

[FairPhyllis]

Why are you even considering going shopping at all, given the circs? Going wedding shopping is a favour you do for people you like and are close to, not some special honour/obligation/royal summons.

[CloverHeart]

Not going to say anything anyone else hasn't already, apart from do what's best for you and your emotional well-being

[FrancesNiadova]

Just remember that you don´t have to justify yourself to them. A simple, "No thank you," is enough. Any more can be twisted & used against you. Don't do anything that you're not comfortable with

[Callani]

YANBU - people who say you should "just get over" things usually either want to brush things under the carpet or they just don't realise how bad something was.

Ask those people who were shocked at your wedding whether it was something you should "just get over" and I'm sure you'll hear a resounding no.

Don't let a misplaced sense of duty guilt you into doing something you'd hate and don't feel bad about saying no.

[DonkeysDontRideBicycles]

Your sister has feuded with you and plays mind-games so I shall echo what has already been said - do not let her trample on you. Attend DN's wedding if you have a supportive companion for the day but find a good excuse to back out of the wedding dress shopping which can only be more goading.

[monkeynuts123]

Well latest development is sister has told niece that she thinks I will still be upset over what happened at my wedding so that will make bad atmospheres so I have been uninvited. Astonishing really.

[DonkeysDontRideBicycles]

Your sister must be loving all this. What a cheap shot using her own DD's wedding to make a point.

[LesserOfTwoWeevils]

At least that saves you the agony of deciding. They sound toxic and you should stay away from them and take care of yourself

[phantomnamechanger]

presumably, she's read this thread OP!

Oi, OPs sister bog off you nasty old cah!

[IDontDoIroning]

From the dress shopping bit or the wedding full stop?