AIBU to feel sick at the idea of wedding dress shopping for my DN?

[monkeynuts123]

My niece is getting married and wants me to help her shop for her wedding dress. 10 years ago my sister, her mother, tried her very best to ruin my wedding day and the lead up to it, including wedding dress shopping. I just feel sick at the idea of sharing in my nieces joy when my joy was practically destroyed by her family and she also did a few cruel things to me over my wedding. My relationship with her mother, my sister is strained to say the least and practically no contact. AIBU to not want to suddenly put the past behind me with no apologies from either of them and start trotting about happily looking at wedding dresses?

[monkeynuts123]

Dress shopping, I'd imagine the wedding full stop bit will follow although I won't giver her any reason to do that, let her tie herself up in knots.

[Nomama]

Did you say to your DN "Oh dear, and I was so looking forward to shopping for your dress"?

Your sister sound vile. Your DH is quite right. Maybe you should just let it all go and do what makes you feel happy.

Familys ay. Who'd have'em?

[monkeynuts123]

Sister is a controlling bully in a narcissistic rage which has lasted 10 years. Chilling really.

[diddl]

But she only thought about it after asking?

[zipzap]

Treat the wedding as an opportunity to catch up with friend's and relatives you haven't seen for a while at their expense.
Treat the wedding bit proper as a boring incidental bit to endure in order to meet up with the nice people from your family.
And work out a pithy one liner to use if anybody mention's your sister's appalling previous behaviour, plus practise saying it in your head so you can turn any mention of the nastiness into something that bounces off you but reflects really badly on your sis.

[TheRealAmandaClarke]

Oh how annoying.
I wouldn't go to the wedding. How tiresome. Too much stress.

[monkeynuts123]

I will be wearing the most beautiful outfit (better than sis, sorry but got to do it), children will look and behave immaculately and head will be firmly held high.

[Kundry]

If you get disinvited from the wedding make sure everyone knows how devastated you are about this and can't think what you've done to upset DN as you love her so much.

[expatinscotland]

Wouldn't go dress shopping, wouldn't go to the wedding and if she asked ,y kids to be bridesmaids I would say NO. And fuck what people thought. And I'd tell them why.

Bullies can only behave how they do when enabled.

[monkeynuts123]

Yes expat, I go between that and head held high approach.

[expatinscotland]

The head held high approach, though, is causing you to lose sleep and means jack shit to them.

[monkeynuts123]

I know. It would be so satisfying to say everything and then step out of all these relationships. I don't know what's stopping me to be honest. I've always been under pressure to keep the peace which actually translates as letting her always take the piss.

[Kundry]

If you went non contact with your sister, would you have to go non contact with any other relatives and would you miss them? Or do none of them actually enhance your life in any way?

[monkeynuts123]

Probably would have to go no contact with niece, that's about it and at the moment she doesn't bring anything positive to my life no, but nc always feels too final.

[Kundry]

Well you don't have to make an announcement in the Times but you can just accidentally let it drift - cards only for Christmas, forget some birthdays, take ages to respond to texts, not be free for get togethers (and don't ask for them to be re-arranged)...

You will then be low contact potentially with no-one really having noticed that it happened.

[WhereYouLeftIt]

"I've always been under pressure to keep the peace which actually translates as letting her always take the piss."
Who is putting you under this pressure? Tell them to piss off.

[Aussiemum78]

I'd personally book a very exotic overseas trip for the date of the wedding if you get uninvited. Then if they reinvite you, you have an awesome excuse not to go, plus it's more fun than their wedding.

Decline to let your kids be flower girls. They just want to play apply families and your kids are probably cute!

[Cerisier]

After everything that has happened there is no way you should be going shopping with them. I wouldn't go to the wedding either. Why should you be expected to forget and forgive atrocious behaviour from your sister that ruined your wedding day?

The stress of going will hang over you and you won't enjoy the day. Why put yourself and DH through all that? Just decline politely, vaguely citing a prior engagement.

[diddl]

"I will be wearing the most beautiful outfit"

I wouldn't be wasting my money tbh, I'd rather not go.

If they care that you're not there, it'll only be for appearances sake!

[monkeynuts123]

But diddl if I don't go to wedding then all the people that let her do what she wants will practically disown me, but there are also lots of people who saw what she did at my wedding who will be aghast that I am there. I think I'll have to decide nearer the time. What is clear though is that she is now trying to keep the bad feeling alive throughout her daughters wedding which just keeps on showing what a bully she is. I actually do hate my sister (at risk of sounding like charlie and lola).

[diddl]

Obviously it's up to you.

But you are saying that whatever you do you will be a fault according to some?

So do what you want to do!

[monkeynuts123]

Good advice diddl. There are a couple of close family members that think I ought to forgive and forget, basically because they want to be a 'happy' family. That's 2 people out of the 150 people at our wedding. I think I need to grow some balls....you know what I mean.

[Caitlin17]

This thread and your replies are getting odder and odder. I can't imagine what she did but all this talk of head held high , people being aghast, people remembering what she did is beginning to sound like something from a Southern Gothic novel.

I can't really see what any of the 3 of you are getting out of this or how it is of any benefit to any of you in your going to the wedding.

[samandi]

I will be wearing the most beautiful outfit (better than sis, sorry but got to do it), children will look and behave immaculately and head will be firmly held high.

You're starting to sound like a bit of a drama queen yourself now. Are you one of these people that actually thrives on a bit of family tension?

[monkeynuts123]

I don't think there's many women that would want to go to a wedding with head stooped looking like crap, especially in these sort of circumstances. I am referring to maintaining dignity, if someone wants drama they do something dramatic.