AIBU to feel sick at the idea of wedding dress shopping for my DN?

[monkeynuts123]

My niece is getting married and wants me to help her shop for her wedding dress. 10 years ago my sister, her mother, tried her very best to ruin my wedding day and the lead up to it, including wedding dress shopping. I just feel sick at the idea of sharing in my nieces joy when my joy was practically destroyed by her family and she also did a few cruel things to me over my wedding. My relationship with her mother, my sister is strained to say the least and practically no contact. AIBU to not want to suddenly put the past behind me with no apologies from either of them and start trotting about happily looking at wedding dresses?

[cheepsskram]

I think you've made the right decision. Your sister sounds toxic.


(Am I the only one who really, really wants to know what the sister actually did? Sorry, I am such a nosey caaaahhhh!

[TheRealAmandaClarke]

What whyisthishappening said.

[daphnehoneybutt]

I so wouldn't go.

Am I evil but I would also look for a little bit of revenge on the day, can you phone and cancel the cars / cake or something? You could ring the night before and say the wedding was cancelled. Say you are your sister when you call.... Sometimes its nice to give Karma a bit of helping hand

OK that is horrible but fantasising about a bit of revenge is sometimes healing in my limited experience of life.

[monkeynuts123]

Good advice thank you everyone for your support. I think I will see how things are nearer the time but I can't really imagine me going to celebrate with niece and family and that's really the only reason anyone should go to a wedding. There is some family on the other side in NZ we haven't seen for a few years and it might be a nice chance to fly to see them. Families eh!

[whyisthishappening]

Withdraw from the nastiness.

It's not worth the hassle.

Find out when it is and book a holiday at exactly the same time.

Send regrets and money - and enjoy your holiday. You will probably be slagged off anyway whether you go or don't so do it in style.

What is attending the wedding actually going to achieve?

It's supposed to be about the bride and groom's wedding not the past.

I think you are playing into your sister's hands more by attending/thinking of attending.

Don't waste any more mental energy on it.

[IceBeing]

hmm I have lurked since this appeared...but I wanted to say I think you have an overly romantic idea of what going to the wedding will be like. I think you imagine people will notice your dignity in the midst of strife....I don't think they will. I think other people will go to the wedding, get sucked into whatever new crap your sister pulls and all they will remember about you and your family is that you were there and hence they will assume the fences have been mended.

I wouldn't go. I think it will be a horrible day and other crap will kick off and I wouldn't put it past your sister to do something awful to YOU again. So I would just stay away and anyone who thinks you should have gotten over it can shove it.

[samandi]

Hmm, well you've yet to convince me OP! Sounds just like a storyline out of Eastenders to me.

[ThinkFirst]

Is it possible that your sister had your niece ask you to go dress shopping just so they could withdraw the invite and rub your nose in it? It seems like they have started game playing already.

I wouldn't go to the wedding. You'd have an awful time, and your niece's wedding could end up getting ruined also through the actions of her mother.

[Caitlin17]

OP what you describe about head held high and a sense of dignity sounds more appropriate to someone attending a criminal trial protesting their innocence or the way black Americans behaved in the time of segregation than a wedding.

Lotd knows I love a swanky dress for a wedding but I've never attended one with my head held anything other than its normal position.

[monkeynuts123]

I don't think there's many women that would want to go to a wedding with head stooped looking like crap, especially in these sort of circumstances. I am referring to maintaining dignity, if someone wants drama they do something dramatic.

[samandi]

I will be wearing the most beautiful outfit (better than sis, sorry but got to do it), children will look and behave immaculately and head will be firmly held high.

You're starting to sound like a bit of a drama queen yourself now. Are you one of these people that actually thrives on a bit of family tension?

[Caitlin17]

This thread and your replies are getting odder and odder. I can't imagine what she did but all this talk of head held high , people being aghast, people remembering what she did is beginning to sound like something from a Southern Gothic novel.

I can't really see what any of the 3 of you are getting out of this or how it is of any benefit to any of you in your going to the wedding.

[monkeynuts123]

Good advice diddl. There are a couple of close family members that think I ought to forgive and forget, basically because they want to be a 'happy' family. That's 2 people out of the 150 people at our wedding. I think I need to grow some balls....you know what I mean.

[diddl]

Obviously it's up to you.

But you are saying that whatever you do you will be a fault according to some?

So do what you want to do!

[monkeynuts123]

But diddl if I don't go to wedding then all the people that let her do what she wants will practically disown me, but there are also lots of people who saw what she did at my wedding who will be aghast that I am there. I think I'll have to decide nearer the time. What is clear though is that she is now trying to keep the bad feeling alive throughout her daughters wedding which just keeps on showing what a bully she is. I actually do hate my sister (at risk of sounding like charlie and lola).

[diddl]

"I will be wearing the most beautiful outfit"

I wouldn't be wasting my money tbh, I'd rather not go.

If they care that you're not there, it'll only be for appearances sake!

[Cerisier]

After everything that has happened there is no way you should be going shopping with them. I wouldn't go to the wedding either. Why should you be expected to forget and forgive atrocious behaviour from your sister that ruined your wedding day?

The stress of going will hang over you and you won't enjoy the day. Why put yourself and DH through all that? Just decline politely, vaguely citing a prior engagement.

[Aussiemum78]

I'd personally book a very exotic overseas trip for the date of the wedding if you get uninvited. Then if they reinvite you, you have an awesome excuse not to go, plus it's more fun than their wedding.

Decline to let your kids be flower girls. They just want to play apply families and your kids are probably cute!

[WhereYouLeftIt]

"I've always been under pressure to keep the peace which actually translates as letting her always take the piss."
Who is putting you under this pressure? Tell them to piss off.

[Kundry]

Well you don't have to make an announcement in the Times but you can just accidentally let it drift - cards only for Christmas, forget some birthdays, take ages to respond to texts, not be free for get togethers (and don't ask for them to be re-arranged)...

You will then be low contact potentially with no-one really having noticed that it happened.

[monkeynuts123]

Probably would have to go no contact with niece, that's about it and at the moment she doesn't bring anything positive to my life no, but nc always feels too final.

[Kundry]

If you went non contact with your sister, would you have to go non contact with any other relatives and would you miss them? Or do none of them actually enhance your life in any way?

[monkeynuts123]

I know. It would be so satisfying to say everything and then step out of all these relationships. I don't know what's stopping me to be honest. I've always been under pressure to keep the peace which actually translates as letting her always take the piss.

[expatinscotland]

The head held high approach, though, is causing you to lose sleep and means jack shit to them.

[monkeynuts123]

Yes expat, I go between that and head held high approach.