AIBU to feel sick at the idea of wedding dress shopping for my DN?

[monkeynuts123]

My niece is getting married and wants me to help her shop for her wedding dress. 10 years ago my sister, her mother, tried her very best to ruin my wedding day and the lead up to it, including wedding dress shopping. I just feel sick at the idea of sharing in my nieces joy when my joy was practically destroyed by her family and she also did a few cruel things to me over my wedding. My relationship with her mother, my sister is strained to say the least and practically no contact. AIBU to not want to suddenly put the past behind me with no apologies from either of them and start trotting about happily looking at wedding dresses?

[monkeynuts123]

We have discussed what my sister did but not what my niece did. It was stuff that was done on the actual day, and in the lead up. Following my wedding we had no contact for 2 years, I didn't want to ever see them again and then my mum died so contact sort of just resumed but without apologies and a few rather pathetic excuses blaming all sorts of people who weren't involved. I can't give details of what they did because it will out me.

[monkeynuts123]

Oh phantom, it was no small thing, it was mouth open, shock horror by absolutely everyones standards and left some relatives in tears on my wedding day on my behalf. It was a total disgrace.

[phantomnamechanger]

OK, without going into details - what do you think was her motivation for doing whatever she did? jealousy of your happiness and/or the wedding you wanted to have? out to embarrass you? wanting to be in charge (is she younger or older than you?) disapproving of your choices/being snobby/sneering? wanting attention on the day? disapproving of your DHtobe? depression or anxiety due to own marital probs? behaving badly because drunk?

Do they KNOW you still feel so hurt by it all?

[phantomnamechanger]

cross posts, OK in that case as it was public and everyone/many people were shocked and angry on your behalf, she obviously did something bad. I guess she is too proud/embarrassed to bring herself to apologise, and this offering from the neice may be the best chance of repairing the relationship, if you want to.

[monkeynuts123]

Sister is a vicious bully and wanted to destroy all things that brought me happiness. Niece was (is) weak and terrified of her mother so went along with things.

[phantomnamechanger]

what does your DH think?

[phantomnamechanger]

I've just seen your earlier post about maybe they want your kids to be bridesmaids. I would definitely say no to that, I would not risk my DC being exposed to any controlling nasty bullying behaviour.

[monkeynuts123]

He thinks I'm a frigging saint for having anything to do with them. He thinks we'll go to wedding but no way be involved. If it were my sisters wedding there is no way I would even go.

[Nanny0gg]

Niece was (is) weak and terrified of her mother so went along with things.

Does this not excuse her behaviour at all?

[Tryingtobetidy]

Sorry I don't understand how someone can ruin your wedding day

[Ohwhatfuckeryisthis]

Say it's a mother and daughter thing and you don't want to be part of it intrude. Wish her well and retire to the high moral ground.

[thebody]

well think your dh has it really.

don't go shopping or participate in anything.

go to the wedding and listen to the comments of the people who were at your wedding and were shocked at your dsis behaviour.

your neice sounds a bit if a twat too. 25 is far too old to be under mummies thumb.

[Kundry]

I'd just say that you think it's more a mother daughter thing and you're very busy right now so wouldn't be able to give it the time she wants. That way you get out v easily without her being any the wiser. If she asks about your girls being bridesmaids then they are tomboys really/wouldn't enjoy it/have already been several times/are incredibly badly behaved or whatever seems a good excuse.

Plus I can't think of anything more dull than seeing loads of identical white dresses. It was bad enough having to buy my own without doing someone else's shopping. I don't see why dress shopping has to be a massive shared experience.

[PansOnFire]

At 25 she was certainly old enough to have known better, but you've acknowledged that she is a weak person and unfortunately this has been her downfall. It's a lesson she needs to learn from otherwise being 'weak' will always be an excuse for behaving in ways which hurt others because she's not strong enough to do the right thing. This sounds very harsh but it's a lesson I've learnt myself and it's one I'm very thankful for. I didn't do anything as awful as ruining anyone's day but my loyalty to friends and family were questionable because of the way I tried to fit in with certain groups of people.

Saying that, if you approach this with her before her wedding then you will look spiteful and as if you are trying to get revenge. Your DN sounds like she's making a misguided attempt to apologise but I think that unless you are willing to forgive and forget you need to stay as far away from her wedding preparations as possible. Refuse all offers and just don't elaborate on why. Maybe afterwards, if she hasn't got the message already, you should sit down and discuss things with her. If she has any intelligence she'll put the pieces together and stop pushing the matter.

Your sister sounds poisonous, don't give her the satisfaction of making you feel bad.

[Caitlin17]

Your niece sounds slightly odd. I don't know as I didn't do the whole big wedding shopping for meringues thing so maybe this is normal but from your first post I assumed your niece was only now in her late teens /early twenties. A 35 year old woman making a big thing of going wedding dress shopping with her aunt seems a bit childish/playing pretend happy families.

[fatlazymummy]

Yeah, I don't get the whole wedding dress shopping trip thing either.
I would just decline and make some excuse up. No need to let your sister see that her bad behaviour still upsets you. Go to the wedding, be polite, and leave it at that.

[MusicalEndorphins]

Just say no thanks. I wouldn't attend the wedding, based on what you said, it sounds like the bucket of blood from Carrie or something! Not sure why you are even going to it.

[WhereYouLeftIt]

"Niece was (is) weak and terrified of her mother so went along with things."
I suspect she's still going along with things. She's still weak, even at 35; why would she not? monkeynuts123, I fear your sister may be behind this. She ruined the shopping for your wedding dress? I think she may use shopping for her daughter's wedding dress to twist the knife. You said yourself "my sister is a passive aggressive and I know she will be grinning from ear to ear with the satisfaction of me having my nose rubbed in it." Sadly, I think that is what this is all about, nothing to do with your niece wanting you all to move on.

[MiscellaneousAssortment]

Oh dont do it to yourself

[MistressDeeCee]

Based on what you've said OP, just don't get involved. Your DH has the right idea and attitude to all this.

Tbh I cannot be bothered with toxic people. Family or not. Life's too short. Your sis has probably inviegled DN into asking you for help in choosing her wedding dress and its probably to rub your nose in it/bring back unpleasant memories of what they did in the run up to your special day. How about appeasing yourself, instead of other people? I wouldnt even go to the wedding. A lovely day out with DH would be preferable. After all the event isn't going to be nice for him, is it? Its his wedding that was tarnished too.

[Jenny70]

Is your sister going shopping with niece too? If so, I'd refuse - saying that wedding dress shopping with her mother is not going to end well, and for her sake you'd be best to stay away.

If she's worried her mother is going to behave badly (again), then it's up to her to tell her mum to not come. Then you and she could perhaps go together (and swallow your emotions for the day).... if she feels bullied by her mother then I would support her, but not with the mother present acting as a buffer, I would step in to be a substitute, but not play happy families at the shop.

If she wants to take her mum wedding dress shopping, then step away and attend the day with your head held high. If she wants to shop with you, make it clear her mother can't be there.

[LibraryMum8]

I'm with MrsAsprey. Go to the wedding but distance yourself from the preparations. I've been married almost 14 years and my mother was diagnosed with brain cancer the week of our wedding.

That week was a total nightmare. It was no ones fault, my own sweet mum felt awful that such am awful thing happened so close to what should have been one of the happiest of my life. I lost my best friend (mentally) the night she was diagnosed...she was never the same, she didn't even remember the ceremony after it was over. It's obvious it's Still raw for me, and it's been so many years. I don't think I could go and try to share someone's joy by doing dresses, I feel our wedding was more like a funeral and obviously no ones fault. My mum died 6 months after we wed and all the preps forgotten that week.

It would be hard for me to share joy helping with preps when I guiltily feel we missed out on the joy of our wedding.

[monkeynuts123]

Well I'm up in the middle of the night stewing on it. I feel so compromised by even being asked to be honest. At this point in time I don't even know how I will go to the wedding, head held high, certainly not take part in any happy preps. As for the hen do, well.

[Innogen]

Fuck them. Don't go.