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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to be upset, I got nothing for Mothers day?

142 replies

whiteblossom · 30/03/2014 15:31

We have an eight yr old and Im 17 weeks pregnant. (so this could well be hormones!)

My ds made me a card at school and put together some lego for me- very sweet but my issue is with DH.

This is the first time he has got me nothing, he knows its mothers day. dh made a comment about getting me breakfast in bed about an hour and a half after I had gotten up (he slept in). No card/flowers/chocs.

I feel like he doesn't care about the effort I make as a mother or a wife as if he has no respect?

AIBU? He's asking whats wrong and I don't want to start an argument.

OP posts:

Bowlersarm · 30/03/2014 18:24

I don't know quite know how to answer that Worra yes she got a card and some Lego put together from her DS. Lovely. But she normally gets a present organised by her DH. This year he couldn't be bothered. I think it's fair enough she's upset. Has she been a less worthy mother this year? She probably thinks so. Although it's probably more than he couldn't just couldn't be bothered.

WorraLiberty · 30/03/2014 18:30

I'm guessing it's because the child is now old enough not to need any help?

I don't know but my advice to the OP is the same.

Both of them should probably back away from Mother's/Father's Day and leave it to the child.

Parents have Valentine's Day...and every day actually to make a fuss of each other.

OwlCapone · 30/03/2014 18:31

OP, have you stopped sulking and actually explained to your DH why you are upset and how you feel unappreciated? Because otherwise it's just going to fester and he will have no idea what on earth he's done wrong, given your DS has taken the trouble to make you something personal.

Bowlersarm · 30/03/2014 18:46

Agree with the stop sulking, Owl Blimey with all the unhappy Mother's Day threads today, some households are not having a happy day at all. Forgive, revenge on Father's Day, move on.

worra I think people not making a fuss is absolutely fine. I bought my own present today, very happy! But I just think the OP is pregnant with another child, hormonal, shes blessed with a thoughtful DS, but nothing from her dh this year as in previous years, with no discussion.

Maybe now is the time to have the discussion - yes, to making a fuss, no, things need to be simple and understated. It needs to be agreed.

daisychain01 · 30/03/2014 18:59

whiteblossom - IMO, YANBU - especially as you enjoyed your DH celebrating MD in previous years, but this year he couldn't be bothered/didn't make the time whatever the excuse.

No shadow of a doubt, being appreciated and made a fuss of on Mother's Day isn't difficult to do. What excuse can any man have for not taking the time/effort to appreciate their partner/wife/lover - a cuppa in bed, a lie-in, or a small bunch of flowers.

Without the woman in their life, the man would not have their DCs. Thats a big reason to make a fuss of her on MD - I can't fathom the argument "you aren't your DH/OH's Mother" - that's letting them off the hook, big-time!

firstchoice · 30/03/2014 19:02

And from another perspective...

I sent my (narcotic) mother a pack of lily bulbs, chocolate, card and scarf. Also included a pack of sweeties from Grandchildren. Modest, but we are broke, and she knows that, and postage cost to be factored in.

Got email this am.

"Parcel arrived. Pls thank Grandchild A and B for me."

doubtless I shall be told not to catsbum and that I should be grateful to have a mother at all (although you wouldn't if you knew the whole history).

Smilesandpiles · 30/03/2014 19:06

Please thank Grandchild A and B for me?

She said that? Really? OMG, that would be the last thing she ever got from any of us if that was the reply I got.

daisychain01 · 30/03/2014 19:07

The reason AIBU board is full of these threads is maybe a sign of how many women need to have somewhere 'safe' to express disappointment and be able to off-load about stuff like this - 24/7/364 pressure and just one day a year when they'd love to be fussed over and a bit of escap-ism to feel special

Not a 'big ask' really.

If it comes across as 'sulking' talkiing about it on here, then that's why people can't face talking about it in RL, because it will get mis-understood.

It isn't the flowers or the card, it really isn't!

daisychain01 · 30/03/2014 19:09

Your mum should be grateful to have you firstchoice!

Smilesandpiles · 30/03/2014 19:11

Then they really need to sort that issue out with their families. The problem and sulking will only get worse each year otherwise as they are continually let down and disappointed.

If they don't feel special, then that needs to be addressed. NO ONE needs a specific day in order to feel special.

firstchoice · 30/03/2014 19:14

well, not 'A and B' - she did use their names!

Daisy - I am FAR from perfect, believe me, but a gracious 'thank you' wouldn't have gone amiss. They are 6 and 9 so they didn't shop for it and post it themselves.

Just wanted to show the various manifestations of misery of Mothering Sunday. It's all got too hyped up for words and can be upsetting all round.

Time to lower expectations, I guess, if that is possible

firstchoice · 30/03/2014 19:16

And Smiles IS right, it's about being appreciated all year, not just for one day (but some of us only get it for 1 day, in real life).

(goes off to bath rabbits smelly bum as more productive use of time than wittering on endlessly)

daisychain01 · 30/03/2014 19:24

I agree firstchoice, MS has become ridiculously hyped, but taken at its most basic level it can be a positive day, but it ends up being far from it in so many cases. Unfortunately examples like your's and whiteblossom's are not uncommon. btw, I know it isn't about you being perfect, it is about the fact that you made an effort, did something really thoughtful for your DM (the value has nothing to do with it) - it would have only taken the right words of gratitude.

I guess you have hinted in your post that your relationship with her is far from ideal - so I guess that carries over to MS - those issues don't just disappear, do they? It's awful to lower expectations, but it's about survival. 'Protecting' yourself emotionally is the most healthy way to deal with it (been there, done that, got the T-Shirt!).

bbcessex · 30/03/2014 19:31

I don't agree with all the 'you're not his mother' nonsense.

He's your husband / partner. It's a 'special gesture' day. HE doesn't/shouldn't have to buy you somefrom from HIM, but he should care enough to do something for you WITH your child / ren... facilitate coffee & toast in bed, or help the children make a cake / lunch.

It's a Mum and Dad's job to teach your children to celebrate / commemorate special days / events / achievements... this - for mums who want it - is one of them.

I think it points to a crap, selfish (or at the very least, self-centred) person who doesn't bother.

And if you're one of those mums / previous posters who say "why should he bother, he's not my mum", then you've probably missed out on that special activity in your own upbringing. Shame.

GreenShadow · 30/03/2014 19:34

Now our SC are older, DH doesn't go and buy things on their behalf any more. Therefore I received 1 card from DS2 (He and DS1 are away at University) and that was that. No doubt DS1 will have sent a card on Saturday which may arrive tomorrow. DS3 hasn't had the chance to go and buy anything, so like someone up thread, made a greeting on Mindcraft. Personally, I would have loved some chocolates, but heyho, not to be.

I think it's seeing other mothers piles of flowers and gifts on Facebook which perhaps rubs it in a bit......

firstchoice · 30/03/2014 19:34

Yes, Daisy.
I haven't always sent her a gift (sporadic periods of no contact on both sides. She didn't even know she had a grandson until he was about 4m old). I suppose having children underlined to me that she DID do the basic feed, wipe, burp grind when I was small - (mostly) so I now send a modest gift to acknowledge that - its as much as I can do, really.

Aked · 30/03/2014 19:36

All I ever hope for is a card on Mothers day. This year my eldest (6) made me three, all his own work, all his own words. That's enough for me.

starlight1234 · 30/03/2014 19:47

I think yanbu....He has previously done it and this year not bothered...

at 8 he isn't old enough to sort it out..Does he have his own many, say mum I am just popping to the shop...

As a single parent my sister sent my DS some money , obviously I had to take him to the shop to buy it...He loved it..I made sure my sister knew how much a appreciated what she did and Ds knew how much I appreciated his gifts both the shop bought ones and hand bought ones..

At 17 weeks special it is a time partners should make them feel special as a mum...

I do hope your day improved

mrspremise · 30/03/2014 19:54

DH has helped my DC make the day special for me. I may well not be his mother, but I am the mother of his children, ffs!

WestieMamma · 30/03/2014 19:57

OP perhaps take a leaf out of my book. I just had a lovely dinner cooked by my daughter. I sent her a FB message telling her to get her lazy arse downstairs otherwise mother was going on strike and she'd be taking her furniture on the train when she moves out next month.

OooOooTheMonkey · 30/03/2014 20:08

YANBU. I am a bit fucked off about my FIRST MD today. I got a card from dd (4.5 months) a bunch of flowers and a plant with a pink teddy. Also got taken for lunch. Lovely! What more could I want! Well, I was up at 6.10am doing first feed whilst OH slept. He was 'tired'. Awww. I then took care of dd whilst HE had a lie in. We got back from lunch, he fell asleep for about 2 hours. AIBU to expect a little more on Mother's Day!?! Where was my lie in and afternoon nap?! It's one frigging day! And whilst I don't begrudge looking after my gorgeous girl, quite the opposite, I love it, I think he should have made more effort. I had to practically beg for a cup of fucking tea!!!!! I have confronted him with this now there is awkward silence!!!!