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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Would this annoy you, or am I being mean to think this way?

60 replies

giveadogabonio · 29/03/2014 20:55

Me and two of my friends regularly use a local cafe.

We probably go in a couple of times a week and I guess we're known as being a trio as we always go in together after school run drop off.

Anyway, the lady who runs the cafe is really lovely and so friendly and treats us very warmly as regular customers.

She told us that she was struggling with her end of year accounts - one friend has an accountancy background and I have a secretarial background so this one friend and I spent quite a good few hours helping her with filing her accounts, general admin and stuff. We were very happy to do this for free.

Anyway, last week she came over when were at the cafe and offered all of us to come in next week and choose a cake from the cafe to take home. To be fair, she did not link this offer to any of the work we had done, and she offered it to all three of us.

Anyway, I decided that although it was a lovely offer I didn't want to take advantage or put her out. I didn't really discuss it with the other two, friends, though found out later that my accountant friend felt the same way as I did and that she didn't want to take advantage.

Yesterday, the third friend (who hasn't helped this lady in any way, nor ever offered to) mentioned something about the lovely cake she had.

I don't know why, but I just feel it's a bit mercenary of her to take off somebody who it would be quite easy to take advantage of purely because she is so lovely.

But equally the cake was offered so it's not like she ripped her off, so is it wrong for me to feel like that?

How would you feel?

OP posts:

Coldlightofday · 29/03/2014 20:59

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster

giveadogabonio · 29/03/2014 21:00

It was a massive chocolatey number should have taken up the offer of free cake

OP posts:

AwfulMaureen · 29/03/2014 21:00

Perhaps the lady might have felt better in that she'd given a gift in return....and that it would be patronising of you not to take it.

Coldlightofday · 29/03/2014 21:01

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

shakinstevenslovechild · 29/03/2014 21:01

I don't think I would feel any way at all tbh she accepted a freely given offer.

It was very lovely of you and your friend to help the cafe owner out for free I would have taken the cake.

WooWooOwl · 29/03/2014 21:01

It's not wrong of you to feel miffed, but it's one of those situations where bringing it up would cause a problem where technically there isn't one at the moment.

I'd feel the same as you, and would have to put some serious mental effort into letting it go.

TheReluctantCountess · 29/03/2014 21:02

The cafe lady probably thinks of the three of you as one, iykwim, so I wouldn't worry about it. It was lovely of you to have helped her.

WhoAteAllTheCremeEggs · 29/03/2014 21:02

I think its beyond trivial. Its a piece of cake.

WorraLiberty · 29/03/2014 21:02

I couldn't care enough to type a few words about it if I were you, let alone a whole OP.

I think you and your friend should have taken the cakes though, just to make the cafe owner feel better.

Original poster

giveadogabonio · 29/03/2014 21:03

I'm not sure it's patronising of me not to take her stock just because it's offered, though?

If she'd brought it over and presented it to me I'm sure I'd have accepted. But I didn't feel comfortable with just popping in and choosing some of her stock to take away.

Anyway, we're not here to talk about whether I took the cake I can accept that I was wrong to not take it, if that's the view.

But it's more whether my friend should have taken it.

OP posts:

picnicbasketcase · 29/03/2014 21:04

Just give yourself a small pat on the back for doing a favour without accepting a reward, and move on. It's only cake.

KeatsiePie · 29/03/2014 21:04

I would be very at the friend who took a cake when she did not help at all, and knew it was only offered b/c you other two helped. Feels grabby.

But, by not taking cakes, you and the friend who did help have eased the financial blow of the undeserving friend's free cake, so that's nice for the owner.

Perhaps go over to undeserving friend's house and eat her cake.

Original poster

giveadogabonio · 29/03/2014 21:04

I don't think it had cream....more of a ganache type thing?

OP posts:

Coldlightofday · 29/03/2014 21:05

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Fortyisthenewthirty · 29/03/2014 21:05

I kind of agree with awfulmaureen. It probably would have made the cafe owner feel good, in the way it made you feel good to help her, if you'd have taken some cake.

The third friend was probably oblivious of any agenda and saw it as it was, a gift from someone who wanted to give it.

Only1scoop · 29/03/2014 21:06

I bet she had 3 cakes altogether....told the lady she would deliver yours

SaucyJack · 29/03/2014 21:06

I think it was a bit of a nerve of the one woman who hadn't helped to have taken a cake home.

But I wouldn't worry about the cafe owner too much. I should imagine hiring an accountant for an afternoon for the afternoon costs a fair bit more than a the ingredients for a sponge cake. I really can't see she's the one who was at risk of being ripped off

Original poster

giveadogabonio · 29/03/2014 21:06

Perhaps I should go and get me a cake next week, then, purely so as not to offend you understand.

And yes, it's trivial but it's annoying when third friend has had plenty of opportunities to help but never does (her perogative) but is front of the queue when the favours are being handed out, you know?

OP posts:

KeatsiePie · 29/03/2014 21:07

Well yes it's a fair point that the owner wanted to give back. I think the ideal thing would have been for you and helpful friend to each choose a small cake, or to split one accepting the gesture without allowing it to get too big and for undeserving friend to smile nicely in the background.

Optimist1 · 29/03/2014 21:08

Since Café Lady didn't specifically link cake to the assistance you two had given, perhaps Friend Who Didn't Help thought the offer was related to your loyalty as her customers?

GiveTwoSheets · 29/03/2014 21:09

I guess the shop lady feels better to have given something back but like you I would of not gone into collect if I can help I will, yet one of my siblings probably would of gone and collected all 3 cakes ate one and sold the other 2!

BertieBotts · 29/03/2014 21:09

I expect that if she bakes the cakes herself then they don't really cost her much in money to make, so it's more of a skill exchange.

I think your friend was fine to take it and you were fine to decide not to. It's not patronising but you wouldn't have been taking advantage if you had had a cake off her.

Original poster

giveadogabonio · 29/03/2014 21:09

Well she did say, if you don't take one next week then save it for another week...so I guess the other friend and I could still get one - keatsipie I like the idea of sharing one...it's the kind of thing I'd maybe take up in the future when I'm in need of a cake, you know? SO maybe I'll wait for a DC birthday or something.

OP posts:

BertieBotts · 29/03/2014 21:10

Oh I see I didn't see that friend who took cake didn't help. Hmm, in that case it's a bit cheeky. But I wouldn't worry about it.

andsmile · 29/03/2014 21:14

She was offered she accepted thats fine, she didn't talk her way in now.

Think the lady wold be miffed if she had made that cake to gift or provision to and you didnt accept.

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