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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be disgruntled that I have effectively lost my inheritance?

117 replies

poppydan · 28/03/2014 17:53

My mother is selling her house, which she owns outright, to by a house with her long term partner, who is significantly younger than her. She will be using the money from her house sale for the deposit with the mortgage and all her living costs being funded by her partner who has a very well paid job (she doesn't work).

She has been with her partner for over 10 years but have never lived together before and do not really get on when they spend long periods of time together - on holiday for example, which makes me sceptical it is the best thing for her (although perhaps my own interests make my view biased)

This is all fair enough, she is entitled to do what she wants with her life etc etc. However, her dp has made it clear that if something were to happen to her he wouldn't want to be in a position where he has to sell the house to enable me/her grand children to inherit her proportion of the house. She had said that she was concerned about this as she didn't want her money going to him (he has very wealthy parents is an only child and is not short of a bob or two). As a solution she was planning on renting her house and funding the move this way but that has now been ruled out as for a variety of reasons is not feasible. What upsets me most is that she appeared ever so concerned about me not losing out but now she has found a property she likes she has put her house on the market and has abruptly informed me that this is the way it is.

Writing this I feel that perhaps I am being unreasonable but a small (quite large actually) part of me cant help but feel this is a little unfair and hurt by it.

OP posts:
phantomnamechanger · 28/03/2014 17:56

YABU - your "inheritance" is not a right - she can leave all her money to a charity or whoever she wants

she is focussed on living her life to the full how she wants to - you are focussed on getting the money when she pops her clogs. nice.

Sleepwhenidie · 28/03/2014 17:56

I understand you feeling hurt but you also sound a bit entitled. The solution is probably for DM and her DP to sign a deed of trust which gives whoever survives the other the stay living in the house until they either leave or die, at which point you will then be entitle to whatever portion of its value your DM states (agreed with her dp now) she wants you to have.

Sleepwhenidie · 28/03/2014 17:57

The right to stay living in the house

SwimmingMom · 28/03/2014 17:58

That's terribly unfair. Anyone would be upset and its only fair for you to feel bad.

Won't she consider giving you part of her sale money (now or later) so that you can have atleast part of your inheritance?

Alternatively she could make a will and leave you her share of the house. Her DP need not know. Afterwards it will be you and him who will have to sort it out but you'll atleast have what is rightfully yours.

CocktailQueen · 28/03/2014 17:58

Hmm, tricky. Should she want to leave you some money, she'd do well to make an appt with a solicitor for advice on how to word her will. Maybe putting money/a proportion of the house in trust for you would be the best thing.

It is her money, of course, but in your position I'd feel a bit sad too.

Suefla62 · 28/03/2014 17:59

It's a shame, but she can do what she wants with her money. Don't bank on an inheritance until you get it. If she becomes ill when she is older and has to fund her care you could be left with nothing anyway. No one has a "right " to an inheritance.

LaQueenOfTheSpring · 28/03/2014 18:00

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

wishingchair · 28/03/2014 18:01

Chances are it will be needed to fund her care in her old age, and therefore there will be no inheritance anyway. These days, you can't assume there will ever be anything to inherit.

ghostinthecanvas · 28/03/2014 18:02

A good solicitor will ensure that your mother can leave you her portion after her partner dies, should she die first.

Mintyy · 28/03/2014 18:04

Yanbu to be disgruntled, its quite understandable.

firesidechat · 28/03/2014 18:04

No one has a right to an inheritance or to expect one.

In any case your mum's home may have been needed to pay for care home fees, so you may not have inherited anyway.

Sleepwhenidie has suggested a solution which a lot of families use in these circumstances, but I can't imagine how you would start that conversation with your mum. Tricky.

MsMischief · 28/03/2014 18:04

I would be hurt. A similar thing happened to a relative of mine. Her Dad died - her mum got everything, then her mum died and stepdad got everything, then he died and his new wife got everything and it eventually went to her dcs. It wasn't just money either, it was all the personal stuff so they ended up with random stuff that had belonged to their late mum's late husband's first wife's first husband. iyswim.

DomesticDisgrace · 28/03/2014 18:04

YABU

Original poster
poppydan · 28/03/2014 18:05

Phamtom/sleep

I agree, I do sound rather 'entitled' but I think that this is largely due to her always telling me that I would inherit her house if something happened to her (which I dearly hope doesn't). I have never assumed anything but feel hurt by her sudden change of heart and abrupt way of dealing with it. She has a habit of making promises which she then breaks, so perhaps I have some bagage there too...

OP posts:
sheilafisher · 28/03/2014 18:05

My DF has had his will written in such a way that his DP has half the house, and can live in it for 10 years after his death. Thereafter, his half passes on to us.

Salmotrutta · 28/03/2014 18:05

DH and I are spending our money on fast cars and booze.

We're wasting the rest Wink

halfwildlingwoman · 28/03/2014 18:07

Sorry to ask, but did your parents divorce or did your dad pass away? While I agree with others that you are not entitled to anything and that your mum can do as she likes, if your dad put money into the property and intended for you to inherit one day then I would definitely be upset about this.

dannychampionoftheworld · 28/03/2014 18:08

She can make it so that she leaves the house to her partner for his lifetime and then to you when he dies. He can't dispose of it. My parents have both done this with their new spouses

Beamur · 28/03/2014 18:09

I can emphasise with you on the promise breaking, I have a Dad like that! Luckily he doesn't promise me much to start with Grin Sorry you're feeling a bit cheesed off, it's true to say it not 'yours' until it's in your hands, but the future prospect of more financial security for your children being taken away (having been promised) is an understandably bitter pill. YANB(completely)U

Nanny0gg · 28/03/2014 18:10

As others have said, she can will her half to you whilst her DP can live in it for a set number of years or his lifetime.
It may mean quite a long wait however... (15 years in my family's case)...

Are you concerned she has been 'persuaded'?

And it does hurt. My SM's family did very well out of what had been my family home for many years before SM and my father got together.

Starboo · 28/03/2014 18:10

She can sort this out by leaving her share of the house to you. So, if your Mum dies first out of the two of them, her partner can stay in the house until he dies or moves out, and you inherit your Mum's share of the house.
I think it can be written into her will.
Do you feel that you could suggest that to your Mum?

halfwildlingwoman · 28/03/2014 18:11

PS, this happened to a friend of DPs. His mum died, his dad married and moved the stepmother OW into the house pretty rapidly, went and died shortly after, leaving the business and the house to the OW, and cutting out DPs friend and his sister when they were in their late teens. Poor kids, within a year they lost both parents and the family home.

Roseandmabelshouse · 28/03/2014 18:11

She could put the house in trust to you and your siblings. This doesn't stop them living together while they are both alive.

aprilanne · 28/03/2014 18:11

my mum died recently .and left me her house .but on the provision that my step father .stay there until he died all seemed ok .we raised our mortgage to pay off house .then barely 4 months later he decided he wanted to leave .so the house was put on market and we got half .each .while done with the best intentions .life rent is not a good idea .i would just let him have it because it just causes more heartache . i honestly wished my mother had spent the lot and took herself on a world cruise .when the time comes and hopefully not for a lot of years .youll understand its only bricks and mortar

Original poster
poppydan · 28/03/2014 18:16

Halfwilding

My dad passed away some years ago but the house wasn't his so no that's not really the case.

I totally agree she can do what she wants with her money and yes, I have always thought she might need to sell to fund her old age as she has no pension/savings apart from her property but I think is the way she has dealt with it. Suddenly, now she has found the 'dream house' she has changed her tune.

I also think she needs to ensure she protects herself financially if is doesn't work out (which is quite possible) as she is putting all her eggs in one basket, so to speak. She can be quite naive in this respect (bit i suppose that is also her business)

OP posts: