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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be disgruntled that I have effectively lost my inheritance?

117 replies

poppydan · 28/03/2014 17:53

My mother is selling her house, which she owns outright, to by a house with her long term partner, who is significantly younger than her. She will be using the money from her house sale for the deposit with the mortgage and all her living costs being funded by her partner who has a very well paid job (she doesn't work).

She has been with her partner for over 10 years but have never lived together before and do not really get on when they spend long periods of time together - on holiday for example, which makes me sceptical it is the best thing for her (although perhaps my own interests make my view biased)

This is all fair enough, she is entitled to do what she wants with her life etc etc. However, her dp has made it clear that if something were to happen to her he wouldn't want to be in a position where he has to sell the house to enable me/her grand children to inherit her proportion of the house. She had said that she was concerned about this as she didn't want her money going to him (he has very wealthy parents is an only child and is not short of a bob or two). As a solution she was planning on renting her house and funding the move this way but that has now been ruled out as for a variety of reasons is not feasible. What upsets me most is that she appeared ever so concerned about me not losing out but now she has found a property she likes she has put her house on the market and has abruptly informed me that this is the way it is.

Writing this I feel that perhaps I am being unreasonable but a small (quite large actually) part of me cant help but feel this is a little unfair and hurt by it.

OP posts:
mercibucket · 28/03/2014 20:20

mumsnet parallel universe again

in my family we are very open about wills and it is a given that it will be fairly distributed. as i will do with my kids.

just ask her to put it in trust

Giddyuphorsey · 28/03/2014 20:29

Haven't read it all (sorry) but saw a comment about her house being used to pay for care. If her partner is living in the house the house is not taken into consideration, it would just be her savings above 23ish K.
She should make a will, stating what she would like to happen to her share when her partner passes away if it is after she does.

CrispyFB · 28/03/2014 20:30

This happened to me with my dad.. he remarried, then died suddenly shortly after, apparently not leaving a will despite telling us he had one and would leave everything to his DC. It was even a condition of his divorce from our mother, something he took zero issue with at the time and was fine with. We were a bit concerned as we had suspicions his new wife was after his money, but never really mentioned the issue or his will - we trusted him after he had told us on several occasions that his inheritance wouldn't go to his wife. And we didn't want to appear grabby.

How we regret not having a proper conversation with him now. His new wife got the lot as he apparently left no will as it turned out. He didn't have a lot of money, but it was a house for his wife to live in mortgage-free after all. I'd always been really nice to her but she wouldn't even let me come round to choose a memento of him so I have nothing, nor has she sorted out a gravestone nearly six years later (we're not allowed to as she owns the plot).

Wouldn't have minded not inheriting anything (whether he spent it or the proverbial cats home) but wow, do we hurt that this woman, who was a real bitchy and manipulative piece of work too, got it all. Still bitter even though I try not to be. It's not what dad wanted for his money I am sure, and that rankles as well.

Definitely try and encourage your mother to protect her financial interests and wishes, and amongst other things, write a will and leave it with a solicitor. It's so easy to procrastinate over these things, as I guess my dad did (unless his DW hid it!) And don't forget a will is invalidated by a new marriage.

thornrose · 28/03/2014 20:33

My dad died many years ago. My mum bought a house and later met a man who she has been married to for 14 years (he's a much younger man.) As much as I'm not keen can't stand her husband he can't just be out on his ear if/when something happens to my mum. He will be entitled to his share.

Mum recently wanted to borrow some money and she took out a special type of loan. When she dies the loan will be paid out of the sale of her house. She was really worried about how it would affect our "inheritance" and I was genuinely surprised that she would feel this way about her money.

My mum and dad worked bloody hard for their entire life my mum could live for another 20 years and if she wants to spend every penny of her hard earned cash then bloody good for her!

Apatite1 · 28/03/2014 20:37

I recently had a conversation where he revealed that he planned to leave me something of an inheritance. I was genuinely surprised as he's never mentioned anything before. I wouldn't bank on it, and it's a "nice to have" but not an expectation. I don't feel entitled to any more from my parents.

SilkStalkings · 28/03/2014 20:55

I would prioritise her future care/quality of life and who has responsibility over that over my inheritance. Is this to be a 'forever house'? Is there room for them to live separately if they do find it hard on the relationship. Does she have a will and what are her plans for covering any future infirmity? These are the important questions.

JanePurdy · 28/03/2014 20:58

Blimey OP I totally get where you are coming from! My dad is buying a house with his girlfriend of a year - he is putting literally all the money into & they won't have a mortgage but are both on the deeds - of course it has crossed my mind that I am highly unlikely to inherit anything from there now as she is 20 years younger than him & very hostile to us (his children & grandchildren). But I tell myself inheritance is not something to expect etc Smile

Preciousbane · 28/03/2014 21:09

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Sharaluck · 28/03/2014 21:17

Well if they don't get on well, as you say, then they will likely separate and split the house.

I think it is a little premature to rely on inheritances. Speak to her about getting legal advice for her will if she still wants to leave something to you and then forget about it.

Caitlin17 · 28/03/2014 21:26

I'd be very worried about this but not from the point of view of losing my inheritance. I'd be very worried about my mother selling a house which I assume has no mortgage to put towards the price of a house which will have a mortgage but mother doesn't have any income of her own.

Original poster
poppydan · 28/03/2014 21:28

Precious

I didn't realise the significance of the sole name on mortgage, and i can't be sure that is the case but it is likely as he met the mortgage broker on his own. I will certainly drop that into conversation tactfully.

Some replies have been a bit harsh but that is fine - I wouldn't post on aibu if I had expected otherwise. I'd like to think I am open to challenging myself - hence the thread.

OP posts:
Lorelilee · 28/03/2014 21:30

OP I'm glad that is your priority, not yourself. It really is one of my bugbears and I can assure you Merci, that I do not live in a 'parallel universe', I just don't live life expecting/hoping to benefit from others' demise.

mercibucket · 28/03/2014 21:38

why not though, lorelilee, as most people do indeed, in rl, leave money to their kids, so much is it an established convention that in many countries, including some of our nearest neighbours, you cannot disinherit your children

yet on mn noone expects their parents to give them anything, and is is quite normal for it all to be left to the cats home

BornFreeButinChains · 28/03/2014 21:39

crispy we have had similar situations here.

Its very very painful, we also do not have a proper gravestone.

You just have to accept this is what your Father wanted. HE KNEW he had not made a will he must have wanted this to go to his new wife. It did, and he made a mistake but it was his money and his choice.

Look at Peter sellers children and John Lennons first son.

Don't let the bitterness win, let it go....

Its very good point to ask your mother MsMischief said about her money going to strangers down the line.

BlueSkySunnyDay · 28/03/2014 21:44

I think its safe to assume that most of us who dont have "rich" parents are unlikely to have any inheritance at all. People are living so much longer that on the whole any proceeds from house sales are going to be eaten up by care home fees.

So I dont think assuming you are likely to get an inheritance is a healthy way to live - I think a large proportion of us are going to be sorely disappointed if we do that.

mercibucket · 28/03/2014 21:49

i dont know, bluesky. maybe. but average age of low wage people here is 66, so if they cash in their pension (thanks gideon) they will have quite a sizeable amount of cash to leave, and no nursing home fees. ok, they might not have a pension i suppose

then isnt their a new scheme about paying x amount capped towards nursing home fees (vague)?

mercibucket · 28/03/2014 21:53

just googled
it is capped at 72000
most residents live only 2 years in care homes apparently Shock

BornFreeButinChains · 28/03/2014 22:20

whatever op wants or thinks, its worthwhile putting it to her mother would she be happy for the proceeds of any of her cash not going to her family in the future., maybe she doesn't care? maybe it hasnt occured to her...

Caitlin17 · 28/03/2014 22:56

If it were my mother my main concern would be that she gets advice from her own solicitor without the partner, or indeed you, being present and that she does not rely on anything which she is told by the partner or the mortgage broker.

I'm qualified in Scot's Law not English and there are differences between the 2 jurisdictions in relation to property, trust and inheritance law bit I do know enough to know some of the posts on here are not correct.

There are a number of ways in Scotland that title could be taken for the new house, including each of them having ownership of their own half(or other proportion) and each can leave their share to whoever they want.

Let's say she gets £100,000 for her house and the partner borrowers £200,000 to buy a house at £300,000. She she should be on the title to at least 1/3 or indeed even a half. The mortgage will run in both names as the charge must be granted by all owners. The lender won't care that she has no money to pay the mortgage as long as he can.

But be aware if he defaults she is equally liable for the mortgage and if neither can pay the lender will call up and sell the house.

LessMissAbs · 29/03/2014 01:18

Omg you want your mother to restrict her life so your inheritance isn't affected when she dies? What does it matter, as opposed to how much she enjoys her own life? I assume we are mainly talking about a house here, not hundreds of thousands of pounds of cash on top but a sensible living arrangement? And that you are capable of supporting yourself?

i feel so sorry for you, that you are living your life waiting for an inheritance.

LessMissAbs · 29/03/2014 01:22

Want to add why can't you just be pleased that your mother has found someone to share her life with and the financial burden, and forget about the money? I wonder what her partner's views are of you
.

l12ngo · 29/03/2014 01:40

Forget about the money, worry more about the time left with your mum would be my advice. Forget about the money (obviously easy to say but dependant on circumstances) and just enjoy your time together.

fuckwitteryhasform · 29/03/2014 01:51

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

NigellasDealer · 29/03/2014 01:54

yes what fuckwittery said, that was the arrangement with my mum and stepfather. when he got married again he had to buy me and my brother out, if he had not done that then we would have got nothing until he died.

Caitlin17 · 29/03/2014 02:09

Please tell your mother to see her solicitor.Please also tell her if she is putting money into buying the house the title must be in joint names.

She cannot protect her money if she does not own a share of the house. This is far more important than your fretting about your inheritance.